Monthly Archives: October 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 14 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


He wasn’t exactly lying, it’s just that he knew the truth and chose not to share it. Bart O’Kavanaugh’s going to make such an upstanding Supreme Court justice.

Starting Five

Tuesday night (actually Wednesday morning)

1. Successive Celebration Rule

Let’s raise a lukewarm Hamm’s to ol’ Rule No. 7: Last night, actually earlier this morning, the Colorado Rockies became the second visiting team in as many days to celebrate on the infield at Wrigley Field. As our friend Cecil Hurt tweeted, “Wrigley Field’s infield is now available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.”

Monday afternoon: The Brewers win the NL Yeast

What a bad October for the Cubs: two homes games in which they score one run each game. And now they’re out. You can talk about The Hug, or Gore’s swinging errantly at ball 4, or how the Rockies scored the winning run on a trio of consecutive two-out singles, or how this was, in terms of innings (13), the longest elimination game in Major League history.

Arenado, Baez: Theres’ NO HUGGING in baseball

Us? We just doubt you’ll ever see two different visiting clubs celebrating on the same team’s infield on consecutive days.

2. Human Filth


You had to expect this, right? Donald Trump, at a rally in Mississippi, demeans the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. This is vintage “Grab ‘Em By The P*ssy” Trump. The real Trump. This is how he feels about any woman who would dare to disrupt a man’s power game.

We will give him this: he’s an excellent performer when he’s focused. Ted Cruz couldn’t deliver that oration. Little Marco couldn’t. Jeb? Child, please. Obama could’ve, he just wouldn’t focus his energy on calling a woman who comes forward with a sexual assault allegation “really evil people.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuAUI_0knfk

Our friend and weekly MH contributor, Chris Corbellini, posted this video from Talladega Nights last week. Even though the movie is 12 years old, watching it we realized this is who we are as a country: Half of us are Chip, and the MAGA crowd is Ricky Bobby, Cal, his wife and sons, Walker and Texas Ranger. Watch and tell us different.

3. Feeling Queasy on Sulawesi*

*The judges won’t even consider accepting “It’s Not Easy Being Sulawesi”

Last week, a magnitude 7.5 earthquake struck off the Indonesian island of Sulawesi, inciting a tsunami that killed more than 1,400 people. Think about that number. Then, a day or two ago, a volcano erupted. No wonder people create gods.

And here I am on the East coast bemoaning humidity or subway delays. It’s all relative, yo.

4. The Ballad of Fred and Donald

So yesterday The New York Times came out with the latest “This Will Blow The Doors Off The Trump Presidency/Campaign” story (what are we up to now, 413?), alleging massive tax fraud that began with Donny’s dad, Fred Trump, and continues to this (yawn) day.

For your sake, we read the piece. Items:

— Starting when he was a toddler and continuing to this day, DonaldTrump received the equivalent today of at least $413 million from his father’s real estate empire, much of it through tax dodges. As Stephen Colbert wondered aloud, ” “So, let me get this straight: At one point, Donald Trump was an extraordinarily wealthy toddler. And today? He is still that.”

—Trump’s parents, Fred and Mary, were able to transfer more than $1 billion to their children and avoided paying the 55% tax rate. Their rate was closer to 5%. You got a problem with a 55% tax rate? So do we. But the law’s the law. Of course MAGA will just proclaim that the Trumps are smart on one hand while insisting that a first-time drug offender be cuffed and imprisoned (now, if the Trumps had tattoos…).

We love this. Because the Times realizes that most people won’t take the time to read their exhaustive special investigation, they’ve gone Reddit on themselves and added a story titled “11 Takeaways from The Times’ Investigation of Trump.” It’s like, here, read this Cliff’s Notes version of our own story.

5. What Is Gwen Jorgensen Thinking?

You remember Gwen Jorgensen, the certified public accountant-cum-triathlete who won gold in the triathlon in Rio? Now Jorgensen, 32, has transitioned to the marathon with aspirations of a gold medal in Tokyo. Seriously.

There’s just one problem: She’s never run a marathon.

That changes this weekend as Jorgensen, a Wisconsin alum who lives in America’s Dairyland, ventures south to race in the Chicago Marathon. It’s a flat, fast course.

Music 101

I’m Amazed

My Morning Jacket, 2008. Rolling Stone and the rock critics couldn’t have loved this song any more if Radiohead had released it. The Kentucky band’s signature tune.

Remote Patrol

A.L. Wildcard

Athletics at Yankees

8 p.m. TBS

The Yanks and A’s knew they’d meet in this game since late August; it just became a matter of where. After stumbling much of July and August and for half of September, the Yanks finally look solid again, having won the last four season series they played. The A’s are red-hot and have been for months. The venue tonight may make all the difference.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

A Star Is Born

Those of us who follow the college football knew about Pat Mahomes II, the son of a Major League Baseball player (and what was his name?). At Texas Tech he was the reason Baker Mayfield had to transfer and only two years ago he threw for an astounding 734 yards against Oklahoma (Mahomes rushed for 85 in that loss, giving him an FBS single-game record 819 yards of total offense).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdnUr9eaH0k

Last night was Mahomes’ national coming-out-party, as he led the Kansas City Chiefs to a victory in Denver on MNF that included a sweet eluding-Von Miller toss using his left hand late in the fourth quarter. Mahomes has guided K.C. to a 4-0 start (only the Rams are also undefeated) and has the league’s top QBR rating, having thrown 14 TD passes and not a single pick. No NFL city has better fans than Kansas City. None. This will be fun to watch.

2. Chugging Along*

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian called Yelich “the best player in baseball” yesterday. Mike Trout’s out there like, “Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love, the love, the love?”

*The judges will also accept “NL Yeast” and “New Milwaukee”

The Milwaukee Brewers are going to be our feel-good team of October, aren’t they? One foresees Marquette alum/scribe supreme Steve Rushin heading out to Milwaukee for an epic profile on Wiscy native Craig Counsell, the team’s manager and a good Catholic lad from Notre Dame, and the rest of the gang, from Christian Yelich (the second coming of Ted Williams, right down to his southern California roots) to Lo Cain (“He don’t lie, he don’t lie, he don’t lie”) to the octogenarian mascot, Bob Uecker.

The Brew Crew, five games back on September 2, beat the Cubs in Game 163 at Wrigley to win the NL East yesterday, 3-1. Then it was back up I-94, past the Mars Cheese Palace, back home to await a Thursday Game 1 in which they may very well find themselves facing…the Chicago Cubs. That would be epic. Not good for a sportswriter’s frequent flyer miles, but epic.

3. Y’all >>>>> Yale

You know, maybe Yale isn’t all that prestigious or worthy after all. I mean, double-Yalie Brett Kavanaugh more and more comes off like a tool. Rory Gilmore graduated from there and ten years later she was unemployed and basically homeless. Law school grads Bill and Hillary are unemployed and, according to our current president, she is a loser.

Meanwhile, have you been to New Haven??? It’s a city located along the Long Island Sound that didn’t have the foresight to build up the area right along the water into an attractive commercial/tourist spot. Instead, it’s simply the intersection of interstates 95 and 91. Sure, the pizza’s fantastic and Toad’s is a good place to see an up-and-coming musical act, but after that? Ew.

As we like to say here at MH, New Haven is No Haven.

Go to a southern state school. Have fun. Eat better food. Cheer for a real football team. Meet people who’ve heard of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. It’s better down south.

4. You Can’t Buy Class

Maybe the Seattle Seahawks should just never vist University of Phoenix Stadium or whatever they’re calling it (currently State Farm Stadium….can’t they just name it Tillman Arena and be done with it?). First it was Darren Bevell’s boneheaded call in Super Bowl XLIX. Now another form of bird at a Cardinals game from safety Earl Thomas after he broke his leg in his first game back this season.

None of us know what happened in the locker room or front offices, but this much is known: Thomas, 29, has earned $55 million in his nine NFL seasons, six of which were Pro Bowl campaigns. A few years ago the Seahawks and Thomas agreed to a four-year deal worth $40 million in which more than $25 million was guaranteed. He was reportedly the best-compensated player at his position in the NFL.

Then, in 2016, Thomas broke his leg. In the preseason he was holding out, looking for a contract extension. The Hawks refused to give him one because, let’s face it, he’s 29 and damaged goods. He was not traded. He held out but each week he did he was forfeiting a $500,000 game check.

We’re sure Thomas, a vaunted member of the Legion of Boom, did a ton for the franchise during their Super Bowl era. And we’re just as sure that the Seahawks did plenty for him. Thomas should check how many millennials who don’t work at nearby Microsoft or Amazon earn what he does. He is a gifted athlete who was paid a sum commensurate with his gifts.

But then when he got hurt he was looking for a way to extend that payday into his mid-thirties. Sorry, not gonna happen. Thomas said, and this is worth repeating, “I’m investing in myself.”

And that’s fine. But so are the Seahawks. And why would they throw more money at a piece that is past its prime? We get that Thomas is pissed off, but at the end of the day he may as well have been flipping that bird at a mirror, or no one at all.

5. Man Behaving Badly

Here’s your president at the White House Rose Garden yesterday. At least he didn’t say, “Get back in the kitchen, dearie.”

If Cecilia Vega had been on her toes, the appropriate comeback would have been, “Like you with your tweets?”

And here’s Trump going after CNN’s Kaitlan Collins, who also doesn’t know her place…


Watch that second clip and take note: Trump demeans, unapologetically, two female reporters within two minutes, but when he coughs he says, “Excuse me.” Because that’s what needed to be excused.

Oh, and this is as close as Deborah Ramirez was willing to get to Brett Kavanaugh after college…

Music 101

Shallow

Before the movie (A Star Is Born) blows up, before the song blows up, here it is. True fact: A good friend and former roommate of ours used to teach high school English and direct the school plays here in Gotham City. One year his female lead was a girl from Sacred Heart named Stephanie Germanotta: Lady Ga Ga. We read one critical review of this film where they referred to it as Ga Ga Land. That’s good. Wish we’d have thought of it.

If this song doesn’t win the Oscar, we’ll eat Kanye West’s MAGA hat…

Remote Patrol

NL Wildcard Game: Rockies at Cubs

8 p.m. ESPN (AND ESPN2)

The Cubs will trot out the Lester of two evils….

For the analytics junkies, ESPN2 will air a “Statcast Edition” which will include a constantly evolving percentage odds of your ever getting la*d if you’re the type of person who watches Statcast Editions. Meanwhile, how enjoyable would it be to watch the Cubs lose at home two days in a row to two different teams to be eliminated from the postseason after having a five-game lead on Labor Day weekend? Let’s go, Continental Divides!

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

In the midst of a particularly hectic shift at the Cookoutateria Sunday (gorgeous weather) in which your author had to cover an ungodly three sections (18 tables) for a few hours, crankiness may have set in. We came across a table of two couples, and one of the men in the group had the book Too Big To Fail in front of him. “I know how that book ends and it isn’t good,” I said. “We all lose our jobs and have to work in restaurants.”

Starting Five

Live From New Bork

We all figured that Saturday Night Live would lead with Brett Kavanaugh as its cold open for its season premiere, but did anyone guess that Matt Damon would play the less-than-purest jurist? That Harvard-Yale rivalry never really ends, does it?

“I’m usually an optimist; I’m usually a ‘keg is half-full’ kind of guy…”

The cold open went roughly 13 minutes, which has to be near-record length in the show’s history.

Of course, the Weekend Update duo got involved as well. Colin Jost and Michael Che teed off on the SCOTUS confirmation hearings, with Jost getting off the most memorable line, as it pertained to Rachel Mitchell: “If you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a Senator.”

Che: “I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of sexual assault of if he actually has a drinking problem, but I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the People’s Court if you might.”

As we watched Damon spew out a credible Kavanaugh having had less than 48 hours to prepare, we couldn’t help but think of Good Will Hunting and the motley crew with whom our title character ran in that film (two of whom, besides Damon, have gone on to win Oscars). Will Hunting’s P.J. and Tobin and Squi were also delinquents to a degree, but here’s the funny thing about those adolescents: given access to a female, all of them were respectful.

2. Kavanaugh Karnival Kontinues

Okay, now what?

Both CNN and NBC News are reporting that the White House is limiting the scope of the one-week FBI investigation into the Kavanaugh allegations, which the White House and President Trump vehemently deny (does this sound familiar, or meta?). Anyway, given the track record with truth of both sides, I know which way I’m leaning.

We get it: This isn’t supposed to be a deep-sea fishing expedition. On the other hand, why the urgent need for alacrity? Could it be that the Repubs are frightened they won’t get a confirmation before the November 6 midterms, after which they might lose the Senate, after which they might not get the judge they want, after which they might not have a 5-4 conservative majority on the bench, after which certain influential judgments about presidential pardoning power may not go the way that President Trump wants?

Could that be it?

 


Meanwhile, this exchange between Scott Pelley of 60 Minutes and Senator Jeff Flake needs to be brought up again before the Kavanugh vote, if there is a Kavanaugh vote:

Pelley: “If Judge Kavanaugh is shown to have lied to the committee, nomination’s over?”

Flake: “Oh yes. I would think so.”

Devil’s Triangle is a lie. Renate Alumnius (sic) is a lie. Those are just two.

Here’s what we see happening, if indeed the FBI is being handcuffed by the White House: the Washington Post, The New York Times, The New Yorker and who knows who else out-investigates them. The evidence is too outrageous and too credible to ignore: remember, Christine Blasey Ford went from a WaPo story to testifying in front of 21 U.S. Senators.

At some point either Kavanaugh will withdraw himself, Trump will withdraw the nomination (if Flake and another GOP Senator let him know they won’t vote “Yes) to save face, or, and this is where it gets sad, the GOP will just ram him through, anyway.

3. Brain-Eating Amoeba Week?

The Texas surf ranch where Stabile likely met his fatal nemesis

A New Jersey surfer visited a water park in Waco, Texas, where he apparently contracted a brain-eating amoeba that eventually led to his death. Fabrizio Stabile, 29, of Ventnor, N.J.,  began suffering from crippling headaches upon his return from the Lone Star State. The extra cruel part of his death—and this not only feels like an episode of House, but as a New Jersey resident, he might’ve been sent to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital….if TV and real-life overlapped—is that diagnosticians at last figured out the cause of Stabile’s symptoms…one day before he died.

How crazy is that? One American surfer killed by a shark in the month of September, one American surfer killed by a one-celled organism in the same month.

4. Shades of ’88

Coney celebrates after his fourth-quarter interception

Stanford-Notre Dame was still a one-score game five minutes into the fourth quarter, but the final score of 38-17 is more indicative of how much better the Fighting Irish played. Five weeks into the season, the Irish are peaking (and yes, we know they lost their best player from the NFL’s perspective, right guard Alex Bars, for the season due to a torn ACL and MCL) and are 5-0.

The switch to Ian Book has been an unqualified success (we do remember suggesting Brian Kelly do this nearly three weeks earlier). He’s simply a better all-around quarterback than Brandon Wimbush: far more accurate of a passer, and far less prone to making negative plays. The rest of the offense has no first-rounders, but it’s deep and full of reliable players (even Alize Mack has become semi-reliable). The punter and kicker are both seniors, four-year starters, and again, reliable.

In Tony Rice, the ’88 Irish had a QB whose play was more redolent of Brandon Wimbush

And then there’s the defense. Much like the last Irish national championship squad, it has no one superstar but playmakers all over the field (Julian Love, Alohi Gilman, Jerry Tillery, Julian Okwara, Te’Von Coney, Drue Tranquill, Khalid Kareem, etc.). It’s funny, Notre Dame’s highest-rated defensive recruit of teh past three years, defensive end Daelin Hayes, is a solid starter but we doubt he’d make anyone’s Top 5 on this defense.

Kelly appears to have a cohesive team. Winning does that.

Does it mean the Irish can win the national championship? No, but we very much like their chances to make the playoff. We like the hungry attitude that has emerged the past two weeks. The attention to detail. The sure tackling. The improved rushing attack. All of it.

Just a note to keep in the back of your mind: Before the season opener against Michigan, the Irish invited the 1988 national championship team to take the field and form a tunnel for this year’s team to run through as they took the field. More than 60 players from that team showed up.

5. Indonesia

More than 800 perish in Southeast Asia after an earthquake creates another tsunami. The video is both awe-inspiring and disturbing, no? Nature is so powerful and had no sense of being sinister, and yet it can unleash such deadly fury.

Music 101

Hemorrhage

All those late 1990s bands—were they all the same band? Fuel, Tonic, Candlebox, Nickleback, Third Eye Blind, Goo Goo Dolls, Creed, etc? This 2000 song reached No. 30 on the Billboard chart, and was the band’s highest-charting song.

Remote Patrol

Tiebreaker Doubleheader

Brewers at Cubs

1 p.m. ESPN

Rockies at Dodgers

4 p.m. ESPN

The Rockies have been baseball’s hottest team the past two weeks while Milwaukee’s Christian Yelich, the presumptive NL MVP, the game’s hottest hitter. We like both visiting teams to take down the establishment powers today. It’s a double day of Doubleday’s game  to launch your October, the year’s best sports month. And here’s the weird part: All four of these teams will still make the playoffs. The losers meet in the NL wildcard win-or-go-home game on Tuesday.

Also, for what it’s worth, on an afternoon that will feel like you’re playing hookey, one game will take place at Wrigley Field and the other will have a pitcher named Buehler (close enough).