Monthly Archives: February 2018

Snowffel Tower

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Flooding last week, snow this week. Il neige en Paris! They even had to close the Eiffel Tower today. Cool.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Falcon Quest*

*The judges will also accept “Deep Space > Deep State”

Ralph Kramden: “To the moon, Alice!”

Buzz Lightyear: “To infinity and beyond!”

Elon Musk: “To Mars and then the sun.”

I don’t understand everything that makes yesterday’s  Falcon Heavy rocket launch revolutionary, but I do know that there is now a red Tesla convertible cruising through  space with a mannequin astronaut, David Bowie‘s “Space Oddity” playing (eternal royalties!) and a sign that reads “Don’t Panic,” which is an ode to Douglas Adams’ A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (nerds, rejoice!).

Also, two of the three rocket boosters were able to land again with pinpoint precision.

Pretty, pretty good, Elon Musk. And now that’s going to be the bar set by The Worst Wing in terms of its merit-based immigration standard.

2. He Was Just Josh’in

Remember when Josh McDaniels was headed out of Foxborough to become the new coach of the Indianapolis Colts? Turns out he had a change of heart. I mean, this is not as bad as the Colts leaving Baltimore under the cover of darkness for fans of the franchise, but it is a little odd. Look for Josh to succeed Bill Belichick in New England when B.B. eventually melts when someone pours water on him.

 

Below: A Patriot joining the Union or the Rebels? Apparently, not.

 

3. Torn

Turns out unicorns have ligaments, too. Knick savior Kristaps Porzingis tears the ACL in his left knee and is lost for the season and beyond. The 22 year-old, 7’3″ Latvian leads the lead in blocked shots per game (2.4) and is 17th in scoring.

4. Cadet Bone Spurs Demands a Parade

Not long after Iraq War veteran, double-amputee and Illinois senator (all the same person) Tammy Duckworth referred to five-time Vietnam deferment recipient Donald Trump as “Cadet Bone Spurs,” his staff hustles across the Potomac to the Pentagon demanding a military parade. UPDATE: We may have that order reversed, but the point is the same: he’s an insecure little man.

On Monday he claims that failing to stand and clap for him at the SOTU is “treason” and on Tuesday he announces he wants a military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue. The biggest coward ever to serve in the Oval Office is demanding a military parade. We’d say this is shocking, but of course it isn’t. Just another vignette for The Worst Wing doc.

It’s kind of funny that Trump, aspirationally, is Kim Jong-Un. Someone referred to Trump as “a Napoleon in the making,” but that’s an insult to the French general. He actually participated in battles. How about, “Even Napoleon Had His Watergate?”

This parade will only work if someone gives Trump one of those silly military uniforms with medals and shiny things, none of which he had earned.

5. An Amazing Race

We went to the Millrose Games on Saturday, one of the best relatively hidden secrets in New York City these days. The annual indoor track meet used to be held at Madison Square Garden, but in the past seven or so years has taken place at the intimate but wonderfully outfitted Armory on 168th and Broadway in Harlem.

In the girls’ high school mile, Katelyn Tuohy, whom we had gushed about here last week after she broke Mary Cain‘s national high school 5,000-meter record by 8 seconds, was favored in the mile. Katelyn went out in record-pace, leaving the field behind after 150 meters, and for a few laps she kept augmenting the distance.

Tuohy led for 3/4 of the race….

Then, at around Lap 6 (of 8), they began reeling her in. By midway through the last lap Gabrielle Wilkinson of suburban Philadelphia had caught her and passed her. On the final turn two other girls would do the same. Wilkinson won in 4:42, while Tuohy ran a 4:47.

Despondent, Tuohy left the track and the meet almost immediately. She’s 15. Give her a pass.

Also worth noting: Tuohy, a sophomore, has a 102% average at her high school. Wilkinson, a senior headed to the University of Florida, has a 4.0 average.

 

In the women’s professional one-mile race, Olympian Colleen Quigley barely broke the team ahead of fellow Olympian Kate Grace. In another era, both of these women would be household names.

Quigley, a former model, finished 8th in the 3,000-meter steeplechase at the 2016 Olympics in Rio. Grace, a Yale alum whose mother was ’80s fitness icon Kathy Smith, finished 8th in the 800 in Rio. On Saturday, Quigley edged Grace by 3/100ths of a second, 4:30:05 to 4:30:08. Grace nearly stole the victory when Quigley raised her arms in triumph, unaware that Grace was closing on her so quickly.

Music 101

When The Night Comes

Joe Cocker was past his Woodstock prime when he recorded this tune in 1989, but he introduced himself to an entirely new generation of fans. And it’s a solid song that accentuates his vocal talents.

Remote Patrol

Animals With Cameras

8 p.m. PBS

Kitties!!!!

I love it, but how will the Teamsters feel about this? In my fantasy, a camera is affixed to the head of the lead of a pack of hyenas as they chase down a certain unarmed Minnesota dentist.

Duckworth Disses Donald

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Meet Senator Tammy Duckworth…

–A Democrat from Illinois

–Born in Bangkok, Thailand

So far, the MAGA crowd despises her. But she is also…

–a retired U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel

–an Iraq War veteran

–a U.S. Army helicopter pilot

–a casualty, losing both her legs due to severe combat wounds…although she received a medical waiver after incurring those wounds and continued to serve in the National Guard

Now what does the MAGA crowd think of her (don’t worry, we all know what they think, right?)

Anyway, in the wake of Donald’s Monday suggestion that Democrats who did not clap for him during last weeks’ SOTU may have been “treasonous,” Senator Duckworth had a worthy rebuke:

 

To paraphrase former Colonel Nathan Jesup, “Donald, I think you f*cked with the wrong Marine!”*

*Even if she’s Army.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 11 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. meltDOWn

Simple terms: the Dow Jones Industrial Average had its greatest single-day point loss (1,175 points) in history (and it never punted once, but still lost!). However, because the Dow was already in record-high territory, it was less than a 5% drop and not among the bottom-20 worst days in Dow history.

There are a slew of pics on the web of traders rubbing their eyes yesterday

Why did it happen? Andrew Ross Sorkin of CNBC and The New York Times explains that it may be “too much of a good thing,” which is puzzling. Let him explain it to you.

So what do we do now, O Champion of NVDA and Bitcoin, you ask? In short, nothing. To heed the words of Warren Buffett, “Widespread fear is your best friend. Personal fear is your worst enemy.”

2. UnPresidented (Cont.)

One of the more surreal things about yesterday’s Dow drop was that it took place as Donald Trump was giving a campaign rally-type speech in Ohio touting the success of the economy. First, the cable nets were airing Trump’s stump, then it went to split screen and finally they focused solely on the stock market free fall and resuscitated market analysts from the previous century (Hello, Ron Insana!) to appear on camera and spew explanations.

All this as the cosmically unaware prez said, “You know, you can work hard, but if you don’t have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness — I’m not even saying. I am non-braggadocious.”

I’m fine with him bragging about his impact on the economy as the Dow plummets more than 1,000 points, but I truly hope he doesn’t boast on his impact on the domestic commercial flying safety record while I’m on a flight.

Irv! (he passed away in 2009, which explains his absence)

Personally, I was a little disappointed not to spot Irving R. Levine.

Meanwhile back at the rally, Trump escalated it to maleficent dictator mode, noting that many Democrats refused to stand and clap for him during last week’s SOTU and asking, “Can we call that treason? Why not? I mean, they certainly didn’t seem to love our country very much.”

 

 I mean, it hadn’t even been a week since the kumbaya SOTU, but that’s what happens when one week you’re reading a speech off a teleprompter someone else wrote and the next you’re working the MAGA shift.

 

Of course, as Jake Tapper explains above, treason has nothing to do with not liking the Commander in Chief, and certainly less to do with not clapping for him. Besides, Trump claps enough for himself to compensate for the failure of others to do so.

Also, Trump actually said this yesterday: ”

3. Hero Takes A Fall

The maiden issue

Yesterday Newsweek, a magazine that has been in circulation since February 17, 1933 (it stopped briefly in 2013, fired its top two editors and two reporters. The publication has been in the news frequently of late, mostly for scandalous reasons, and this cadre of journalists were investigating the magazine as they would any other story worth pursuing.

Someone at the top did not like that.

All we’ll say for now is, Can you imagine such a thing: an investigative team investigating a powerful institution, to which it is connected, and then the person at the top reacting to the investigation by dismissing anyone who approaches learning the facts? I mean, imagine that.

4. Robbed Gronkowski

 

Gronk thought he’d scored the game-winning touchdown Sunday night

Foxborough police report on Monday night that someone broke into All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski’s home and burgled multiple safes and guns. In the big picture, this isn’t the worst news we’ve heard coming out of a Patriot tight end’s home in the past decade, but it still must be upsetting for Gronk. If this were Fast Times at Ridgemont High, he’d be taking it out on whomever the Pats are playing next.

This needs to become a new cottage industry: house-sitting for superstar athletes when they are out of town. I’m up for this gig.

5. Messouri

This photo was shot by a drone. It’s a shot of a massive pileup on I-44 in Missouri yesterday, and what isn’t clear is whether the ball crossed the plane of the goal line before the runner’s forward progress was stopped.

Is it us or is that just a light dusting of snow? What the hell? Two people died in this crash.

Reserves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ9drv78dCQ

Jimmy Fallon is an incredible performer, even if his conversational skills leave much room for improvement. Not only does he nail Dylan’s voice while playing the guitar here, but he’s almost certainly memorized the lyrics for this brilliant “The Times, They Are A Changin'” parody. And yes, he’s actually being political, which is also a departure for the Tonight Show host.

Everything about this video is fantastic, from the lyrics to the way they shoot Fallon walking on stage (I didn’t quite get the Mel Gibson reference, though; little help?).

****

RIP, John Mahoney. If Frasier’s not in your Top 10 sitcoms list, we shouldn’t be speaking…

Music 101

Mystery Of Love

This song by Michigan-born and raised musician Sufjan Stevens is our pick to win the Best Song Oscar next month. Stevens did a few songs for the film Call Me By Your Name, which very well could win Best Picture (the best song in this film, though, is an oldie: Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs). Stevens’ tunes evoke a similar feeling to the Simon & Garfunkel songs in The Graduate. Worthy trivia: Armie Hammer is the great grandson of famed oil tycoon/philanthropist Armand Hammer.

Remote Patrol

Wizards at Sixers

8 p.m. TNT

If Philadelphia is still standing, this game will take place. Try the Beal!