Monthly Archives: December 2017

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Tax Man

Lower taxes for everybody? Yay!

Seriously lower taxes for corporations, billionaires, private-jet owners and inheritors of large estates? Woo-hoo!!!

The MH staff, not unlike the Democrats who actually had to vote on it, hasn’t had time to read over the tax bill (as if we’d understand it, anyway). We did find it funny when Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kent.) said, “If we can’t sell this to the American people, we need to get in another line of work” followed by a Monmouth University poll that said 47% of Americans disapprove of tax reform and only 26% support it.

Your move, Mitch.

2. Errin’ Judge

Missed this from last week, but you have to wonder why Matthew Petersen was ever nominated by The Worst Wing for a federal judgeship. Watch this. At a certain point I was hoping Senator John Kennedy to turn his line of questioning to, “Have you ever even read a John Grisham novel? Seen My Cousin Vinny? Can you tell me who Aaron Judge is? Anything?

Kennedy, who is a Republican, actually later told a TV station, “Just because you’ve seen My Cousin Vinny doesn’t qualify you to be a federal judge.”  Not even if you’re a ute.

3. Bravo, Geno!

Using only six players most of the game, Geno Auriemma secured his 1,00th career victory (all of them at UConn) last night with an 88-64 defeat of Oklahoma. The Huskies play all their most interesting games before Christmas because they now belong to a suck-ass hoops conference, but that’s just me quibbling.

Also last night, North Carolina’s Sylvia Hatchell, in her 43rd season, secured her 1,000th career win (most of them at North Caolina, where she has coached for 32 years.

How do Geno’s 1,000 wins stack up against the other four college coaches from major programs who’ve passed this milestone?

Pat Summitt (Tennessee): 1,098-208 (.841) EIGHT national championships

Mike Krzyzewski (Army, Duke): 1,082-331 (.766) FIVE national championships

Jim Boeheim (Syracuse): 1,014-358 (.739) ONE national championship

Not the hair! Not the hair! Kia and Katie Lou have a little fun with their coach

Tara VanDerveer (Stanford): 1,018-235 (.812) TWO national championships

Geno Auriemma (UConn): 1,000-135 (.881) ELEVEN national championships

Sylvia Hatchell (Frances Marion, UNC): 1,000-376 (.727) ONE national championship

Highest win percentage, most national championships. Not bad. Someone should write a book about him.

By the way, you had to scroll down pretty far on ESPN’s home page to read news of Geno’s feat. Perhaps if UConn were located closer to the WWL headquarters, or if more UConn alums worked there, or maybe if Geno were good with the media and the sound bytes, occasionally. I dunno…

4. Every Vote Counts

In Virginia, Democratic state senate candidate Shelly Simonds defeats Republican incumbent David Yancey by a count of 11,608-11,607. That win gives the Dems a 50-50 tie in the state Senate house. I’m just wondering if the election official pulled out an index card to see whether Simonds had made it or not.

5. Notre Dame’s Early Signing Day Haul (a.k.a. “Houston, Hello!”)

Jack Lamb—the “ert” is invisible— is from Temecula, so you know he knows how to fight

We like the idea of the Early Signing Day for two reasons: 1) it allows schools and high school seniors who don’t believe in shenanigans (“FARVA!”) to save themselves six weeks of such and 2) because Nick Saban doesn’t like it.

A third reason? For those who don’t sign, they can take a good look at who has signed where and get a better idea of where they’ll fit in or what they want to be a part of. Makes total sense.

Trevor Lawrence, the nation’s No. 1 rated player and a QB, is headed to Clemson….as soon as he goes to buy Aerosmith tickets with Wooderson

For a school like Notre Dame, which doesn’t go full-Harbaugh at recruits but hopes the academics, the facilities and the gridiron tradition sell themselves, early signing day is a boon. That may be why the Fighting Irish are killing it today. As we write this 10 of Notre Dame’s 20 slotted commitments have signed and the other 10 are expected to do so. Experts are calling this the school’s best defensive signing class since 1990 (keep your eyes on safeties Houston Griffith and Derrik Allen and linebackers Bo Bauer, Shayne Simon and Jack Lamb). Also, wide receiver Kevin Austin, who is very good at catching El Pasos.

Also, Bonzie Colson scored a career-high 37 points last night as the Irish (9-3) outlasted Dartmouth, 97-87. I still haven’t forgiven him for missing the bunny with the Irish up high last Saturday and the other thing is that it’s worrisome that Bonzie needed to go for 37 versus a middling Ivy team. Don’t fall in love with this team. Right now, at least, it’s a two-man squad.

 

Reserves

Dutch Treat

It doesn’t actually snow in Amsterdam all that much, so last weekend’s white out was welcome in the lovely city in the Netherlands. If you’ve never been, you should visit.

****

 

Excuse us, Jay, but don’t you earn a comfortable living by speaking into a microphone at live collegiate sporting events?

Music 101

The Christmas Song (a.k.a. “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire” a.k.a. “Merry Christmas To You”)

Is there a better Christmas caroler than jolly old Nat King Cole? We don’t think so. He was born for the gig. The most played Christmas song of all was written in the midst of a “blistering hot summer” in 1945 by Bob Wells and Mel Torme, a.k.a. “The Velvet Fog.” Wells had written down a few phrases as cool thoughts (e.g. “folks dressed up like Eskimos”) and within an hour the pair had an unforgettable holiday song.

Remote Patrol

Pitch Perfect

8 p.m. NBC

Stop. We’re done. No need to scroll down any further on the TV Guide machine. If you’ve never seen this flick, you’re in for a tremendous treat. Time for a riff-off! (Look closely: Ben Platt, the Tony Award-winning star of Dear Evan Hansen has a minor role; they hid him from us for most of the film).

McAFEE METER

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Days remaining until New Year’s, 2021: 1,109

Yesterday’s Bitcoin Price: $18,722

Current Price of Bitcoin: $17,874

Yesterday’s magic number: $884.03 per day.

That is, the price of Bitcoin must rise this much on average every day to reach $1 million by January 1, 2021. The price of the cryptocurrency dropped yesterday so we’re headed in the wrong direction, Mr. McAfee.

Today’s magic number: $885,60

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Off Trak

Three people die as the Amtrak Cascades 501 passenger train in western Washington takes a turn at 80 mph when it was supposed to be traveling 30 mph for a turn on an overhead pass. Of the 14 cars, 13 slid off the track and a few onto Interstate 5 below. It was the train’s maiden voyage on this route between Seattle and Portland.

2. Skipper Resigns

“I come to this public disclosure with embarrassment, trepidation and a feeling of having let others I care about down,” wrote ESPN president John Skipper, who announced his resignation yesterday, citing a “substance addiction” of “many years.” Exactly what substance that is or why Skipper, who turns 62 today, chose to resign as opposed to taking a sabbatical, is not known.

The resignation took ESPN employees by surprise, many of whom, such as Tony Reali on Around The Horn, or Rece Davis, Jemele Hill or Dan LeBatard on Twitter, publicly praised him for being such a fine steward and wonderful boss. We only interviewed him face to face once, and he came across as a fine and thoughtful man.

3. Last In Space

 

 I love the idea of aliens visiting the United States, but is outer space sending us their best or are they sending us their rapists and murderers? And are these aliens even legal, or are they illegal?

Also, I just have to wonder if this isn’t the most brazen promo for The Last Jedi I have yet seen.

4. The Panther Who’s A Cougar*

*The judges will also accept “I Can Tina” or “She’s The Boss”

Now that owner Jerry Richardson has stepped down in the wake of SI’s report on what a cretin he is, Tina Becker, a former Panther cheerleader, has been named Chief Operating Officer. She will run day-to-day operations, which means we may be only weeks away from Cam Newton putting his foot into his mouth with his own boss. “I think it’s funny to hear women discussing…multi-year contract extensions,” he might say.

“Tina is the right person to lead this organization,” sad Hugh McColl, the former chairman and CEO of Bank of America, which basically is the engine behind the city of Charlotte. “I know she is committed to the Panthers, to the city of Charlotte and to ensuring this organization is run in a professional and progressive manner.”

5. JoJo? ScarJost? CoScar? 

Laugh, but original Weekend Update co-anchor Dan Aykroyd married Donna Dixon

Internationally famous actress Scarlett Johansson, who made a cameo appearance on Saturday Night Live last weekend, is reportedly hot ‘n heavy with comic/writer Colin Jost, who makes a cameo appearance on SNL every weekend.

She’s just a kid from Long Island. He’s just a kid from Staten Island. We wish them well.

Meanwhile, recall that original Weekend Update co-host Dan Aykroyd, who was nowhere near as handsome as Jost, wound up marrying actress/starlet Donna Dixon. Is it the desk? By the way, Colin’s co-host Michael Che may have had his strongest show yet last weekend. See below:

Music 101

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHVIVNoIPVM

This song originated in the 1944 MGM musical Meet Me In St. Louis and was originally sung by Judy Garland, the queen of melancholy classics. The original version was even more grim. The song began “Have yourself a merry little Christmas/It may be your last…” No, seriously. I chose Frank’s version here because who has a richer voice than Ol’ Blue Eyes. This is one of our staff’s all-time favorite Christmas tunes because you can’t help but feel the sadness seeping into your bones. When he sings, “From now on your troubles will be out of sight…” we all know that even he knows that’s a con.

Remote Patrol

The Year 2017

9 p.m. ABC

President Trump: America Thirst

For the masochists in our crowd (besides those who write daily blogs pro bono), ABC is spending 2 hours looking back at the past year. All I have to say to 2017 is what Robin Roberts said to Omarosa: “Bye, Felicia.”

McAFEE METER

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Days remaining until New Year’s, 2021: 1,110

Friday’s Bitcoin Price: $17,744

Current Price of Bitcoin: $18,722

Friday’s magic number: $882.53 per day.

That is, the price of Bitcoin must rise this much on average every day to reach $1 million by January 1, 2021. Between Friday and today Bitcoin rose an average of $329 per day, which is a great rate per day, but below what it needs to do for Mr. McAfee to retain his member on New Year’s Day, 2021. Our new magic number, i.e., the rate per day of increase Bitcoin must maintain, is…

Today’s magic number: $884.03

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Did Jesse James get robbed?

1. Catch And Release

A wild finish in Pittsburgh last night in what was likely a prelude to the AFC Championship game. The Pats led 27-24 when Ben Roethlisberger threw what looked to most of us like the go-ahead touchdown pass to tight end Jesse James (nice pick play, Steelers).

It looks good here, though

Except that the zebras overturned the call, saying “the ball did not survive the ground.” I hate to say the referees were correct, or to give the team that benefited from Tuck Rule another mulligan, but given the rules that the NFL has, the refs were right. James did lose …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-An2as6Em8

…control of the football as he went to the ground, and maybe the lesson here is that he (and other receivers) should have worried more about securing the football toward his body than extending it past pay dirt. One more thing: I’m not sure that even when James lost control of the football that it even touched the turf, but I’m also not sure if that matters (it should, though, no?).

Anyway, it seems that, as written, the rule backs up the zebras on this play. Even though James had the ball until he…didn’t.

Two plays later, with the Steelers down 27-24 and :05 on the clock, Big Ben faked a spike, tried for the game-winning TD pass from five yards out, and threw a pick. Pats survive again.

Both teams are now 11-3 but the Pats won the head-to-head, so these two could meet for the second year in a row in the AFC title game in the borough of Fox.

2. Jerry Man-Dering

Do the sexual harassment and cover-up accusations against Carolina Panther owner Jerry Richardson have any merit? Well, one day after the story came up, Richardson announced that he’s selling the team. And another white power figure NFL owner named Jerry (Jones), commented that this made him “sad.”

Props to SI’s L. Jon Wertheim and Viv Bernstein for uncovering that the Panthers ”

“Have Made Multiple Confidential Payouts for Workplace Misconduct, Including Sexual Harassment and Use of a Racial Slur”

It’s all right there in the headline of the piece. I mean, sure, go ahead and read the details, but they dropped the hammer right in the headline.

3. La La Land*

*The judges will also accept “Harshing His Melo”

In his only appearance at the Garden this season, Carmelo Anthony scored 12 points and received one death stare from his estranged wife, La La. The Thunder lost 111-96, and it’s the Knicks who have a winning record (16-13) and OKC that has a losing record (14-15). That’s known as The Carmelo Effect.

La La looks good, though, no?

4. Where The Streeps Have No Name

 

 

Is this really the three-time Oscar winner? Could be. My cousin, who was the same age and at the same show, is a little chapped that the CBS cameras failed to locate her. She’s actually more telegenic.

5. The Seven Words You Can’t Say on CDC

Over the weekend the Center for Disease Control (CDC) affirmed that the White(st) House has forbidden official budgetary request documents to use the following seven words: “diversity,” “evidence-based,” “entitlement,” “fetus,” “science-based,” “transgender,” and “vulnerable.”

This is terrible, of course, but it does remind us of one of the greatest comic riffs of all time. Here’s George Carlin (use headphones if at work):

Music 101

Sausalito Summer Nights

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiZPzQN6cgw

In 1981 the Dutch band Diesel wrote the greatest Huey Lewis and the News song that Huey himself didn’t record. It’s  a song about a road trip to San Francisco and it peaked at No. 25 in the U.S. but went all the way to No. 1 in Canada. Imagine if they’d penned Shaughnessy Heights Summer Nights (that’s for you Vancouverians…Vancouverites?)

Remote Patrol

The Crown, Season 2

Netflix

In its maiden season, this was the best dramatic series on television in 2016. Season 2 dropped earlier this month and we finally caught the first two episodes. Lizzy sends Phillip on a five-month tour of the South Pacific and it turns out that when the cat’s away, the cat will play. Oh, and never write bawdy letters to your pals at the Thursday Club about your misadventures in Borneo (that should be, like, Rule No. 17).