by John Walters

Starting Five

A four-Martinez night left the Dodgers shaken

10-0 

How often do a pair of Major League teams put together 10-game win streaks the way Cleveland and Arizona currently have. The Tribe beat the ChiSox 5-3 yesterday for their 10th in a row and are now 10 up on Minnesota. The Diamondbacks, with help from J.D. Martinez’s four-homer night, crushed the Dodgers, 13-4. L.A. has now lost 9 of 10 and are “only” 12.5 up on Arizona, where as recently as two weeks ago they were 20 games up.

Only 18 players have had four-homer games in MLB history (six this century), making it a rarer feat than a perfect game.

2. Monday Night Football

Props to college football. The FBS saved its two most exciting opening weekend contests for Sunday and Monday nights in prime time. Tennessee, down 28-14 to Georgia Tech in the fourth quarter, rallied to tie and then won 42-41 in the second overtime when the Rambling Wreck, playing a stone’s throw south of campus, failed to convert a two-point try.

Oh, and Rece Davis was an energetic and passionate voice for the game.

By the way, someone get the ice tub ready for Ga. Tech’s TaQuon Marshall. He’s now the nation’s leading rusher with 244 yards, but he’s also the nation’s leading rusher with 44 carries per game.

Meanwhile, before we forget, Texas A&M broke out the scepter in the first half after going up on UCLA 38-10. Oops.

Trayveon Williams is strutting around the Rose Bowl sideline with a scepter. This is amazing.

— dgxiii (@danny_g13) September 4, 2017

3. Has Kim Jong-Un Gone Ballistic?

Kim is 33, 5’7″ and seems to have a bit of a weight problem. His best U.S. friend is Dennis Rodman. Why are you shaking?

On Sunday it was learned that North Korea tested a bomb underground that is thought to have been three times the size of the Hiroshima bomb. Meanwhile, its leader keeps making threats about launching more missiles (why are they called “missiles” instead of “hitiles?” Thank God for small favors). Anyway, what makes Kim so fascinating is that most countries have a reason and/or purpose for going to war. Kim is like that dude in The Warriors who shot Cyrus just to stir shit up. He’s batsh*t crazy. May you live in interesting times…

On Sunday U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. told the Security Council that our “patience is not unlimited.” She was then scolded for using a double negative.

Meanwhile, what are the odds of the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyongyang, South Korea, actually taking place?

4. Here Comes Irma

Why worry about North Korea when you can be concerned with the Category5 hurricane, Irma, currently churning toward Puerto Rico. If Irma’s path remains true, it could smack into the Florida Keys by Friday or Saturday. It is packing winds of 175 m.p.h. and the Yankees want to sign it as their closer.

You have to wonder if Jay Cutler will lead the philanthropic hurricane relief drive…nah, probably not.

5. Brock To The Future

Quarterback Brock Osweiler couldn’t make the Cleveland Browns, where a rookie will start, and then his two teams-ago franchise, the Denver Broncos, pick him up? Somewhere Colin Kaepernick read that news and began applying for grad school, no? Help me out here, people.

Music 101

And Your Bird Can Sing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g527j5J0NiA

Over the weekend on Sirius/XM’s The Beatles Channel, host Peter Asher counted down the Top 100 songs by The Fab Four (as voted by listeners). We cannot truck with any Beatles list that places “The Fool on The Hill” all the way down at 62 and “Hello, Goodbye” at 56. The problem is, of course, that there are just a surfeit of incredible Beatles songs. This one from Revolver came in at No. 39.

A Word, Please

hirsute (adj)

hairy

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Rosen Bowl*

*The judges will also accept, “The Aggie-ny and the Ecstasy”

Did that really happen?!?!??! UCLA trailed 44-10 IN PASADENA to Texas A&M and it was the worst scorched earth scene any local had witnessed since the La Tuna fire (which was still happening). Then Josh RosenRosen led the Bruins ALL THE WAY BACK….35 unanswered points in 17 minutes against an “S-E-C! S-E-C!” school that had physically dominated the Bruins to that point.

In the last game played in the Rose Bowl, Sam Darnold led USC back rom 14 down in the 4th quarter and everyone anointed him the Heisman favorite. RosenRosen, who finished 35-59 for four touchdowns, no interceptions, and 491 yards, led his team back from 34 down—the second-largest comeback in FBS history. Just before throwing the game-winning TD pass, RosenRosen motioned to his offense (and to the Aggies) that he would be spiking the ball. He didn’t.

Chip Kelly, who was measuring Jim Mora’s office for new drapes at halftime, will have to stand down a bit.

It’s pretty cool, though. The best college football venue there is has hosted arguably the two most thrilling games of 2017. And Josh RosenRosen reminded everyone that there are TWO quarterbacks in Los Angeles.

2. A Deluge Of Runs

August 25-31: Harvey Pounds Houston

Sept. 2: Houston Pounds Harvey

The New York Mess, having no appreciation of irony, decided to bring former ace Matt HARVEY  back on the same day the Houston Astros were returning to play at home for the first time since Hurricane Harvey dumped a record amount of rainfall on the city and surrounding areas.

How did that work out, Terry Collins? Harvey, in his first start since going on the disabled list in June, allowed seven earned runs and left after two innings. It was the shortest outing of the onetime can’t-miss-kid’s career. But, really, Mess, you should’ve known better than to tweak the gods.

3. Reelin’ In The Years

Becker, lett, has left

Walter Becker was the half of the Steely Dan duo who just stood there playing guitar, but partner Donald Fagen appreciated him. Becker passed at 67 this weekend and Fagen pens this warm tribute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea3Bofkmwlc

We’ve run this video before, but here’s the band playing The Midnight Special in the early Seventies and Bill Cosby is your host….

4. Dear Donald

The contents of the letter that Barack Obama wrote to Donald Trump and left on the desk in the Oval Office are at last revealed. We were kinda hoping for a “P.S., Good luck lasting eight years” but no such luck.

5. Medium Happy’s Domin-Eight

(The Top 8 Teams, Loosely, In The FBS)

MH pollster Debbie Harry exclaims, “The Tide is high/But I’m holdin’ on/They’re going to be my number one, numberrrrr one, number one”

1. Alabama 2. We’re Leaving This Spot Blank To Demonstrate How Much Distance There Is Between The Crimson Tide And Everyone Else 3. Clemson 4. Penn State 5. Oklahoma 6. Michigan’s Defense (it’s our list, we can do what we like) 7. The Service Academies (Air Force, Army, Navy), Who Went 3-0 By A Combined 168-25 Score (Is it 1917 or 2017?) 8. Stanford

Music 101

My Old School

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDAFsFeskKE

sDonald Fagen and Walter Becker, the latter of whom passed yesterday at the age of 67, were Steely Dan. No one will ever put “William & Mary,” “Annandale,” and “Guadalajara” in the same song again. You’ll find Steely Dan’s music in the “Pearls Before Swine”

A Word, Please

apoplectic (adj.)

overcome with anger; extremely indignant

by John Walters

Starting Five

Justin Time

The Los Angeles Angels acquire Justin Upton.

The Houston Astros acquire Justin, Upton.*

*Do we really need to expound upon this?

2. WAAAA-zniacki

Moments after losing to Ekaterina Macarena (“Heyyyyyy, Macarena!”) Makarova in the Round of 64 at the U.S. Open, No. 5 seed Caroline Wozniacki slammed (Grand Slammed?) officials for the preferential treatment Maria Sharapova has received in her return to the court.

“Putting out a schedule where the No5 in the world is on court five, fifth match on, that’s unacceptable,” Wozniacki told a Danish website, Ekstrabladet. “When you look on centre court [Ashe], I understand completely the business side of things but someone who comes back from a drugs sentence and performance-enhancing drugs, and all of a sudden gets to play every single match on centre court, I believe is a questionable thing to do. I think it doesn’t set a good example.”

We’d call Sharapova a tennis ambassador, but it’s not been a good year for Russian ambassadors

It’s the second round, Caroline, and let’s face it, in a tournament without Serena Williams and Andy Murray, the U.S. Open is going to do everything it can to fill Arthur Ashe—and Sharapova is a huge draw. Then again, so are you. Just win and everything else takes care of itself.

As for Maria, she won her Round of 64 match and meets American Sofia Henin tonight at 9 p.m….inside Arthur Ashe Stadium.

So odd…a Russian who gamed the system finding success and favor in New York.

3. Game of Delay

This is from a Texans-Chiefs NFL game, but you get the picture

On college football’s opening night, both No. 2 Ohio State and No. 10 Oklahoma State won big as television viewers lost. The Cowboy game lasted 3 hours and 23 minutes, a brisk stroll compared to the 3 hour, 45 minute slog that was Buckeyes-Hoosiers.

In Tempe, Arizona, Pac-12 officials shortened halftime by five minutes (from 20 to 15; this should be universal in college football tomorrow) as well as the time between quarters, but the game still took 3:28 to play.

That’s just too long. Part of it is the modern era of football includes more passing (INCs mean a stopped clock) and I’m sure part of it is commercials, too. Games should never last above 3 hours. Wake Forest, which plays in a Power 5 conference, rolled Presbyterian 51-7 last night in a game that lasted just 2:52. Then again, ESPN did not televise it and both schools combined for just 36 pass attempts.

4. DACA Fella Center

DACA, the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, was instituted by the 44th president six years ago. The plan grants amnesty to illegals who entered the U.S. before their 16th birthday, are in school and have not run afoul of the law. DACA is also something the 45th president pledged to eliminate his first day in office on the campaign trail.

Well, we’re about 200 days into the job and he has yet to do so. A deadline of sorts arrives on Tuesday. If DACA were eliminated, and if the USA actually went about deporting the 800,000 or so people who registered with DACA (and now you understand why so many more did not), it is estimated that it would cost $8 billion to do so. That could fund the National Endowment for the Arts for 56 years. It would pay for 40% of the proposed border wall.

Rock, meet hard place.

5. Surpass Rusher

Watt’s fundraising efforts cannot be stopped

Every time J.J. Watt sets a fund-raising goal for assistance to flood victims in Houston, generous patrons help him to topple it. The All-Pro defensive end, the face of the league on defense, began last Sunday with an online campaign and a goal of raising $200,000. He has since raised more than $13.5 million (or $3 million more than his annual salary) with a new goal of $15 million (the guess here is he reaches $20 million).

Watt is an all-time NFL great and an all-time human great. Of course he is; he’s from the Midwest.

It’s sort of heartwarming, no, that just as Jerry Lewis, the man who owned Labor Day philanthropy for decades, passes from this earth, that another man steps in and demonstrates what leadership and compassion can accomplish.

Reserves

But seriously, the original Wicker Man was a fantastic movie

Irony Alert

A lightning strike created a massive wild fire (and not the kind that is a pony she was riding down from Yellow Mountain) that has closed the main road to the annual Burning Man festival north of Reno. In case you still don’t believe in acts of God.

Oh, Deer

Looking back on the week. This was fake news…

…and Jesse Watters of Fox News fell for it.

This was not…

This morning our officers stopped a doe for toll evasion, on the Bay Bridge. She said she usually pays it, but today she was a buck short. pic.twitter.com/KkkDJpn5Ck

— CHP Oakland (@CHPoakland) August 29, 2017

Music 101

Let Me Be There

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB2cY-8xFdI

Aussie ingenue Olivia Newton-John sang, “Let me be there in your morning/Let me be there in your night” in 1973 and adolescent boys on either side of the equator returned, “Um, okay.” The song peaked at No. 6. Your peaking may have varied.*

*And what exactly is ONJ doing there as she sings, “Let me take you to that wonderland that only two can share”? It’s 1973, you’re not supposed to be doing that on TV!

A Word, Please

lissome (adj.)

thin, supple and graceful