by John Walters

Starting Five

Best. Team. Ever? Worst. Team. Ever?

We notice that millennials, when they put down their avocado toast long enough to type, are fond of delineating items with “ever” and “of all time.” Thus a favorite blogger of ours identified Lamar Jackson as the “least respected, least talked-about Heisman Trophy winner ever” (Joe Bellino‘s family would like a word) and a college football writer pal identified Chris Finke—we believe he was joking—as the “grittiest” Notre Dame football player “ever.”

Which brings us to last month’s SI cover, which is fast becoming the greatest example of the SI jinx…dare we say it…OF ALL TIME! The Los Angeles Dodgers have lost 11 straight and are 1-16 over their past 17 games (3-16 since the issue hit newsstands).

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Indians have won 19 in a row and are one game away from tying the 2002 Oakland A’s and just two away from tying the greatest MLB win streak EVER, 21 games, by the 1935 Chicago Cubs (the 1916 NY Giants won 26 in a row, but a tie was part of the streak). Corey Kluber, the Tribe’s ace, takes the mound for them tonight versus Detroit. We smell 20 straight.

2. Mas Sergio Dipp, Por Favor!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjPmybdjdH8

We can only imagine what Lisa Guerrero was thinking…

3. The Southernmost Inhabited Spot On Earth

This is Estancia Harberton, a ranch in the Tierra del Fuego region of Argentina. Founded in 1886 by a British missionary as a working sheep ranch, it is now mostly a tourist spot where visitors come to see penguins. It is located at 54.87 degrees South (and the MH editorial staff once sailed past it).

4. RIP, Don Ohlmeyer

Most American sports fans will remember Don Ohlmeyer, who passed away on Monday at the age of 72, as one of the giants of the golden age of sports television (along with ABC’s Roone Arledge and Chet Forte, and NBC’s Dick Ebersol). We’ll remember his as the most infamous pool-hustler/Notre Dame undergrad since George Gipp. Read here. 

5. Please, Not Another Orange-Haired Clown

This is Pennywise, the central figure in Stephen King’s novel-turned-movie It, which is now officially “box office boffo!” The film raked in $123 million in its opening weekend, crushing the existing record for a September box office opening by more than double. Isn’t it rich? Don’t you agree?

Music 101

The Boys Are Back In Town

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGZqDzb__bw

And when I tell you that she was cool/She was red hot/I mean that chick was steamin’…

U2 is a rock band from Dublin, but perhaps the original ROCK band from Dublin was Thin Lizzy, whose 1976 hit belongs on any soundtrack of the Seventies. That guitar instrumental is turn-it-up-while-driving-your-Camaro essential. Lead singer Phil Lynott, a true black Irishman, died of heroin-related causes at the age of 37 in 1986.

A Word, Please

propinquity (noun)

An inclination

by John Walters

Starting Five

Godwin, God Loses

Georgia 20, Notre Dame 19. Put it up on the participation trophy shelf with Florida State 2014, Clemson 2015 and Stanford 2015. All games that the Irish were one play away from winning.

Another thrilling one-possession loss for the Close-But-No-Cigar Irish, which may wind up being Brian Kelly’s legacy. No. 15 Georgia and at least 30,000 Dawg fans descended on South Bend on Saturday night and came away with a 20-19 victory. Justin Yoon, who kicks four field goals on the second Saturday of September in a home night game, alas does not become Reggie Ho (will he still go to medical school?).

Two second-half strip sacks doomed the Irish

Georgia’s two gifted backs did not exactly own the Irish defense, which played about as well as it can, but the Dawgs’ defensive front seven, particularly Lorenzo Carter, were far too much for the Notre Dame. If the Irish are not 5-1 heading into USC weekend (at B.C., at Michigan State, Miami of Ohio, at North Carolina), this season is a disappointment and the Brian Kelly Hotseat will be smoking.

Brian Kelly wasn’t happy at the end of his press conference when asked by @LakenLitman if tonight’s loss was similar to those from 2016. pic.twitter.com/JzYWcv9Cmt

— Angelo Di Carlo (@angdicarlowndu) September 10, 2017

Meanwhile, we know it was his second start, but Brandon Wimbush is in his third fall on campus. He needs to play better (and we know his O-line was putrid).

2. Wait—Watt—WUT!

A good week for the Watt brothers. Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt announced that his fundraising campaign for victims of hurricane Harvey had reached $30 million, while rookie Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker T.J. Watt recorded two sacks and an interception in his debut. No rookie outside of a pair of replacement players in 1987 had ever done that in the NFL, at least since sacks became an official stat.

3. Baby Bombers’ Bombast

For the first time in their burgeoning legendary careers, both Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez went deep twice in the same contest. The Yankees beat the Texas Rangers 16-7, as Judge hit his 40th and 41st home runs and Sanchez his 29th and 30th. All four home runs were solo shots.

Judge joins four other Yankees who have hit 40 homers in a season by the age of 25. Those four men: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle. So, uh, whoa.

Judge was also walked for the 107th time this season, an MLB rookie record. Who was it, The Ringer I think, who wrote just last week  that his post-All-Star Game drop-off was as dramatic as his pre-All-Star Game peaks? Not quite.

Sanchez has now hit 50 home runs in 161 Major League games, dating back to last summer. Not bad.

4. Beast Mode Is Back

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EfyjIkhrSg

East Bay native Marshawn Lynch, who always belonged in the Silver and Black, returned from his one-year hiatus and trucked Jurrell Casey of the Texans yesterday. Beast Mode had 76 yards in 18 carries and apparently has had enough of eating weird animals with Bear Grylls. Dig it: you can’t end your career on a Super Bowl play that should have gone to you but was instead an INT. All aboard for the Beast Mode scorched earth tour!

5. Irmageddon

Hurricane Irma was downgraded to a tropical storm as it travels up the west coast of Florida, and it appears its most destructive effects will be rendered unto the Caribbean.

Below, this is Paraquita Bay on the island of Tortola, just east of Puerto Rico.

This is Florida…

And Biscayne Bay in Miami…

STAY SAFE!
Biscayne Bay, Miami#HurricaneIrma pic.twitter.com/PA5wbbqO9v

— Ryan Fournier (@RyanAFournier) September 10, 2017

Reserves

Sloane Ranger

Sloane Stephens’ reaction upon seeing her check after winning the U.S. Open is priceless.

Music 101

Take It To The Limit

You can spend all your time making money/You can spend all your love making time…If you’ve seen the fantastic doc on The Eagles, you know (at least as Glenn Frey tells the story) that they kicked Randy Meisner out of the band when he refused to sing this song live. No one could hit those high notes like Meisner, who apparently partied a little too hard (which is saying something for the Seventies) and might have had some performance anxiety. One of this band’s best. Few bands outside Liverpool wrote better lyrics.

Remote Patrol

obsequious (adj.)

overly fawning; obedient or attentive to a servile degree

by John Walters

Starting Five

Kansas City Kareems New England

Yesterday at the NFL headquarters on Park Ave. and 51st, the cafeteria, The Huddle, served both New England clam chowder and barbecue ribs. Commissioner Roger Goodell had a salad (he’s not a lunch expert, either?). Then he flew up to Foxboro.

Last night he saw the next famous Hunt in the Kansas City Chief line. Lamar Hunt was a patriot who owned the Chiefs. Kareem Hunt is a Chief who owned the Patriots. The rookie out of Toledo fumbled on his first NFL carry, a turnover (Hunt NEVER lost a fumble in his collegiate career). Duly woke, Hunt then ran for 148 yards, gained 98 more receiving, and scored three touchdowns, one of them on a 78-yard reception. Hunt’s 246 total yards are the most ever for a running back in his NFL debut.

K.C. wins 42-27. You can stop debating, FS1 bloviators, whether the Pats going 16-0 is a good thing or not.

Tom Brady, who was 16 of 36, was sacked three times in the fourth quarter

p.s. New England’s defense is porous, they lost Donta Hightower and they also lost WR Danny Amendola (as Al Michaels said, “With a head”). Oh, and their right tackle is a revolving door. It’s one game, but I’d say 15-1 is a reach as well.

2. Stephens’ Points

In three sets last night, Sloane Stephens, 24, upended No. 9 seed Venus Williams, 37, in the U.S. Open semis: 6-1, 0-6, 7-5. It was arguably Venus’ last great chance to win a grand slam, as her sis was sitting this one out and the other other half of the draw produced 16-seed Madison Keys, from which no one is evacuating.

3. Left Behind

The Coast Guard is evacuating south Florida. What does that tell you? Hurricane Irma is crashing between the Bahamas and Cuba right now, but then it plans to take a serious right turn and head straight up the spine of the Florida peninsula (it’s almost as if a higher power has put Florida in Its/His/Her sights). The highest point on the Florida peninsula is 312 feet above sea level.

Before Irma even hits, the storm has Florida resembling the final scenes in Deep Impact. If you’re only deciding to evacuate north now, expect I-95 and the Florida Turnpike to be jammed and gasoline stations to be experiencing both long lines and absences of fuel. What are residents to do?

Best wishes (beyond thoughts and prayers) to all of those who remain and who may be unable to depart.

4. Tribe!

I understand that we’re all too busy worrying whether the Patriots will go 16-0, if Brian Kelly is on the hot seat, or why LeBron will be leaving for Los Angeles a year from now, but  the Cleveland Indians just completed a road trip with an 11-0 record. The last time anyone did that was 60 years ago (Cincinnati Reds, 12-0 in 1957), which if you work at ESPN or FS1, predates “of all time.” The first-place Indians beat the White Sox 11-2 last night to move their win streak to 15 straight, the longest win streak in the majors since the 2002 Moneyball A’s.

Who will play Terry Francona in Moneyball 2? And weren’t the Indians the franchise in the film from whom Beane whisked away the Jonah Hill character? Time is a flat circle.

5. America, 21st Century, In One Tweet

No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing pic.twitter.com/eWFVita7Dx

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 7, 2017

Music 101

Stormy Weather

This American classic was first sung in 1933 by Ethel Waters at The Cotton Club in Harlem. It was located on the corner of 142nd and Lenox Ave., if you’re looking for it. Yeah, we have no idea why we chose this tune, either. Dig it: It’s going to take a lot more than a Category 4/5 hurricane to get us to play the Scorpions in this space.

A Word, Please

quotidian (adj.)

of or occurring every day; daily

by John Walters

Starting Five

Precipitation Trophy

1492: The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

2017: Irma, Katia and Jose.

It’s been 525 years since a trio of landscape changers this YUUUGE hit the Caribbean. Irma has maintained a wind intensity of above 180 m.p.h. longer than any Atlantic storm in history, and at this point you have to wonder if either (both) she or Giancarlo Stanton are juicing (the Marlins are scheduled to play in Atlanta this weekend, when the storm should strike south Florida).

Earlier this morning CBS showed am image in which the state of Texas was superimposed over Irma, and the hurricane’s diameter is about the same size. Whoa.

Barbuda, when it’s not hurricaning

One thing we’ve learned following Irma: there’s a Caribbean island named Barbuda. Does anyone ever go there?

2. Charles In Charge?

Just a couple of guys from Queens arguing over who makes the best pizza slice. The photo was shot by Getty Images staff photographer Alex Wong from the South Lawn of the White House using a long telephoto lens. That’s Senate MajorityLeader Chuck Schumer and 45 at the end of a meeting in which DT agreed to raise the debt ceiling for three months (I really don’t know what that means, but it sounds like we’re doubling down on owing China money?) to accommodate a Harvey relief package (more of those in the offing).

3. What Happens In Vegas No Longer Stays In Vegas

Seattle Seahawk defensive end Michael Bennett fired the first figurative shot, alleging in a Facebook post that he was handcuffed following a shooting incident in Vegas post-Mayweather-McGregor and that an officer threatened to “blow your f*cking head off” if he tried to escape. Hours later, LVPD asserted that they’d spotted Bennett crouching down, hiding behind a gaming machine, and that when they called out to him, he ran, which is why he detained them.

There may be as many as 126 videos from body and security cameras that recorded the incident. Chances are, and this is just an assumption, that Bennett was not entirely forthcoming in his initial post (never explained why he hid or ran) and that also that Vegas cop (who is Hispanic) did threaten him. We’ll see.

4. Cleveland Rocks (As Does Arizona)

Carrasco, right, pitched a complete-game three-hitter last night in Chicago

The Indians silenced the ChiSox last night, bringing their winning streak to 14 games. The Diamondbacks are keeping pace, winning their 13 straight . This is just plain nutty. Cleveland tied its franchise record for consecutive wins (a record it also tied last season) and it should be noted, so we will, that the last time any MLB team won more than 14 games in a row, Aaron Sorkin wrote a screenplay (Moneyball) about it. That was in 2002.

Most impressive? Cleveland’s last 10 wins have come away from Progressive Field. Tonight they end their 11-game road trip in Chicago.

Posed as a question, and the answer is “No.”

Just as, if not more nutty, is that the Los Angeles Dodgers were just swept in a 3-game series by the D-Backs for the second time in the past 10 days. L.A. has lost nine of 10 since appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated a week and a half ago. The S.I. Jinx lives.

5. Shocked Jock

As hard as it may be to fathom that a New York City sports radio sidekick may not be a pillar of integrity, well, it’s true. Meet Craig Carton, 48, co-host of WFAN’s popular “Boomer (Esiason) and Carton” morning show. Carton earns $250,000 per year, but that wasn’t enough to sate someone of his, er, talent.

Carton gambled prolifically and lost even worse. He was apparently $3 million in the hole to various casinos and less reputable types when he and a friend launched a fraudulent ticket scalping business (they lured investors and treated it like a Ponzi scheme). The Feds arrested him at his home yesterday at 3:45 a.m.

That ain’t right, Dawg.

Reserves

That’s Catalina Island! We’ve been there.

–This wonderful piece  by Mike Piellucci on SI.com about Equinameous St. Brown and his family, Orange County’s gridiron version of the Balls without all the nausea.

–This tremendous piece in USA Today that used golfer handicaps to show which 1%-ers belong to Trump golf clubs and how they pay memberships for access (we happen to know someone who dates one of them; she has more access to what is happening in the Trump White House than most NYT reporters)

(We have to admit, we feel a little like Richard Deitsch right now; by the way, we worked at SI in the ’90s when there was both a Richard Deitsch and a Richard Deutsch in the reporters bullpen; the latter, a great guy with an incredibly dry sense of humor, left and became a lawyer)

—Randy Rainbow returns with “DACA-Shame”. Personally, we would have gone with a more contemporary song: “DACA-Con.”

Music 101

Livin’ On A Prayer

Say what you want about Jon Bon Jovi—say nothing if you want—but the Jersey rocker produced an outstanding debut album in 1986, with a pair of No. 1 hits. This was the second, after “You Give Love A Bad Name.” A third single, “Wanted Dead Or Alive,” reached No. 7. Bon Jovi never equaled this creative peak, but few artists have.

A Word, Please

obtuse (adj.)*

*”What did you call me?”

Annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand*

Not to be confused with abstruse (adj.), which means “difficult to understand or obscure,”so that one could find a way to say, “I’m not being obtuse, it’s just that the subject matter is abstruse.”

by John Walters

Starting Five

Look closely and notice that Irma’s diameter is about equal to the length of Florida

A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall

Musing out loud: “Irma” is an anagram of “Mira,” which is one of the more famous surnames in the Miami Hurricane football family: George Mira, Miami’s QB in the early Sixties, and George, Jr., the team’s All-American middle linebacker in the heart of The U era.

Mira, Jr., one of the last of the neck roll wearers

Anyway, Irma, with her 185 m.p.h. winds and Category 5, is about to pack a far stronger hit than George, Jr., ever did. By the way, George, Sr., grew up in Key West, which is going to take the brunt of the storm this weekend.

2. A.L. East in the A.M.

Because of a two-hour rain delay in Baltimore and a 19-inning endurance test in marathon (nay, a Boston marathon), four of the five A.L. East teams found themselves playing after midnight this morning. In the city of Stringer Bell, the Yankees squandered a five-run lead and lost to the Orioles, 7-6. Manny Machado ended it with a two-out, two-run homer in the bottom of the ninth at about 1 a.m. Ouch, babe.*

(*The MH staff is even more glad that it chose to go to sleep in the sixth inning)

Up in Beantown and facing the Blue Jays, the Red Sox won at about 1:15 a.m. when Hanley Ramirez’s bloop single scored Mookie Betts, who had led off with a double, ending a three-game slide.

3. Wasted In Wyoming

So it sounds as if ESPN radio host Ryen Russillo did the ol’ Extremely Intoxicated-and-Extremely Belligerent two-fer when he was out in Wyoming, even though he intended no harm to anyone else. He simply got so blackout drunk that he entered the wrong condo and when the cops asked him to leave, he behaved like a jerk.

That earned him an arrest, a mugshot, and a two-week suspension from ESPN. To Russillo’s credit, he owned up to his mistakes when he returned to air yesterday and, let’s face it, he didn’t miss a day of the NFL season, so that suspension was quite timely. I mean, who doesn’t love two weeks off in August even if they are unpaid (and were they even?).

To Russell’s credit, he completely, as he said, owned the blame. “I know, for years, I’m gonna have to own this and wear it because if I say, ‘[Joe] Flacco’s having a hard time finding his receivers,’ you’re gonna say three years from now, ‘Just like you in hotel rooms,’” Russillo said. “So, that’s the price that I pay as a public figure. I understand it. But again, I’m sorry.

4. DACA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWFydl-nFsw

Another Day of Trump: “I have a great heart for these people,” the president said of the hundreds of thousands who will be affected by his rescinding of the DACA executive order signed by his predecessor. Then he kicked the can over to Congress.

This is a total Trump move: he strikes out something Obama did (a YUUUUUGE win with his base), then he tells Congress to clean up the mess (allowing him the plausible deniability with the center as if to say, “Hey, don’t look at me”), all the while failing to have an actual position or show even a modicum of leadership.

The feeling here is that he’s a little more concerned about how Mar-A-Lago will weather the storm than he is about anyone whose parents brought them here illegally.

5. The Experts Get It Right (And Wrong)

Finally, an “Experts’ Poll” with which we can agree. ESPN’s Heisman pickers have Josh RosenRosen way out in front in the Heisman race (after that glut of Sam Darnold preseason features, making it all the sweeter). It’s not just that RosenRosen threw for 491 yards against a legitimate “S-E-C!” defense, it’s that he engineered the second-greatest comeback (34 points) in FBS history. Context should mean something, and these media types got that. Good for them.

(The largest comeback in FBS history? 35 points, Michigan State versus Northwestern in 2006; the Wildcats had led 38-3).

LSU silenced a quality BYU squad and failed to move up a spot in the polls

On the flip side, both the AP poll and Coaches poll kept USC in the Top 6, even though they were tied with Western Michigan at home midway through the fourth quarter, Sure, the Broncos are a very good team (went 13-1 last season, but did not Oklahoma State, Michigan, LSU, Stanford and Georgia not all have more impressive debuts? LSU, as Jacob/Jason Anstey points out, did not even allow BYU to cross midfield last Saturday night. So the question as always remains: Why do AP/Coaches Poll voters adhere to the preseason polls as the template for how they vote following Week 1? It’s intellectually lazy, and we realize we’re making that accusation against sportswriters and SIDs. Forgive us.

Music 101

Jet Airliner

“And I don’t want to get caught up in all that/Funky sh*t going down in the city…”

When The Steve Miller Band released Fly Like An Eagle in 1976, it packed the biggest hit of his career: the title track reached No. 2 on the Billboard chart and seemed to be ubiquitous on radio. The following year, however, TSMB released Book of Dreams, an album that has three songs which, though none were as big of a hit, all seem to have aged better: “Swingtown,” “Jungle Love” and this classic, which shot up to No. 8 on the charts.

A Word, Please

hoary (adj.)

grayish white; old*

This is a word better written than spoken, just so as not to offend