by John Walters

Starting Five

I Knew You Were Trouble

North Korea? Russian meddling in the election with The Worst Wing’s collusion? The Bachelorette was boring? Who cares about about any of that? Taylor Swift was allegedly groped and she just can’t shake it off, so the case has gone to trial.

In 2013 David Mueller (now 55), a DJ in Denver, allegedly grabbed T-Swizzle’s bum under the skirt (some people think of it as a “meat-and-greet,” apparently). Oh, that’s Mueller’s girlfriend on the left. Anyway, T-Swizzle told her mom, “A guy just grabbed my ass at the meet-and-greet.”

Watch the hands, girls.

Swift’s security team informed Mueller he’d no longer be welcome at her concerts. Then Mueller lost his job at country-music station KYGO. Then he sued Swift. So now she is countersuing him. “It was not an accident, it was completely intentional, and I have never been so sure of anything in my life,” Swift, 27, said in a deposition.

This is all going to make a great song on her next album.

2. Guam Gonna Get You, Sucker!*

**

The judges will also accept the submission of @auburnelvis , which deserves its own bold italics Heading 2 font:

Going, Going, Guam?

*a.k.a., “NoKo, Oh, No (Cont.)”

Are these North Korean missile threats taking atoll on Gaumians? Where is Guam, anyway? There it is, that Red A in the middle of the Pacific. That certainly makes it a more convenient target for Kim Jong-Un, having a giant Red A (“Atomic?”) on your back.

Two Lovers Point. Assuming Three Lovers Point is on some kinkier Pacific island.

You probably knew that Guam (pop. 167,000) is a U.S. territory, but did you also know that they are all American citizens by birth? Or that Ferdinand Magellan was the first European to set foot there? Or that its indigenous people are known as Chamorros? Or that the Japanese captured Guam on December 7, 1941, and held it for more than 2 years, subjecting citizens to rape, torture and beheadings (sounds like an HBO doc waiting to happen)?

3. Meet Your New Premier League Teams

The Terriers are movin’ on up….

The Premier League season begins this weekend (summer’s over already?), so let’s meet the three teams that, due to relegation, have been promoted (you have to love a league that turns over 15% of its membership annually to reward teams that played well at the next division down and punish those who play poorly at the highest level; I know I do. Americans can learn from this: the game doesn’t always have to be rigged).

First up, Newcastle United, who spent only one season down in the Championship League (English soccer’s AAA ball). The Magpies, who have spent 82 of the past 85 seasons at the highest level of English soccer, are also the Premier League’s northernmost club, and it isn’t close. The next northernmost squad, Burnley, is 122 miles south.

Brighton & Hove. Yes, the Seagulls’ kits look much like Huddersfield’s.

Next, meet Brighton & Hove Albion. The Seagulls play along the English Channel on the southeastern coast. They last played in the top tier of English football (before it was named Premier League) in 1983. Their stadium, Falmer Stadium, seats 30,700.

Finally, there is Huddersfield Town, located just north of Manchester (and just south of the aforementioned Burnley). This is the Terriers’ first season back in the top flight of English football since 1972. They play at John Smith’s Stadium (24,500).

Huddersfield visits Crystal Palace on Saturday and Brighton & Hove entertains Manchester City. On Sunday Newcastle hosts Tottenham.

4. Where’s Hunter Renfrow?

Renfrew’s first TD catch versus Alabama, in 2016, was his best.

SI.com released its “Top 100 Players” in college football yesterday (No. 1, Derwin James, FSU), and the list is probably still downloading on your laptop (all the pop-ups and videos, guys, sheesh) (yes, I wrote sheesh). Maybe Clemson’s former walk-on wideout, Hunter Renfrow, does not belong in this august group (assembled in August), but he did catch two touchdown passes against a bunch of future NFLers in 2016 and then caught the championship-game winning touchdown pass versus that same Alabama team last January with :01 remaining.

Oh, and Renfrow led all receivers in receptions in that 2016 Alabama-Clemson contest with 7, then followed that effort up in the sequel by leading all receivers with 10 grabs. That’s 17 receptions, three TD catches, one championship-winning catch with :01 left in the last two years. But NOT one of the country’s top 100 players? Got it.

5. Migrant Mass Murder

About half the 120 men, mostly teens, tossed off the boat drowned. Here are some of the survivors.

You know your life is fraught with hardship when you are fleeing your homeland to be in Yemen, but that’s what dozens of migrants from Ethiopia and Somalia paid a smuggler to do. But, as the ship was crossing the Arabian Sea, the smuggler thought he saw officials off the Yemen coast and tossed his human cargo into the sea. At least 50 migrants drowned. Today’s “be thankful for where you live” message.

Music 101

Roll With The Changes

So if you’re tired of that same old story/Oh, turn some pages. Before Hi Infidelity (nice pun, there, guys) changed everything for REO Speedwagon, Kevin Cronin and the guys wrote some Doobie Brothers-level classic rock tunes. This is one of them, from 1978.

Remote Patrol

Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update

9 p.m. NBC

How will Colin Jost and Michael Che do with an entire half hour in prime time? Okay, if they are able to get Kate McKinnon to join them.

A Word, Please

vestigial (adj.)

forming a very small remnant of something that was once much larger or more noticeable.

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. NoKo, Oh, No!

a.k.a.

“They Will Be Hit With Fire And Fury Like The World Has Never Seen”*  **

*Unless you saw Game of Thrones last Sunday

**The judges will accept “Nuclear Winter is Coming”

Yesterday, while on vacation in Bedminster, N.J., and surrounded by his cabinet, President Donald Trump warned North Korea that it “best not” continue making idle threats about nuclear weaponry or else…the quote above.

So that’s a red line. And to make that threat between the anniversary dates of Hiroshima (Aug. 6, 1945) and Nagasaki (Aug. 9, 1945) is verrrrrrry interesting.

And then North Korea‘s state-run TV threatened a missile strike on the U.S. territory of Guam in the Pacific. It’s starting to sound real, although MH’s editorial board can’t exactly understand why either country is hostile toward one another except for the fact that both are led by maniacal, mentally unbalanced tyrants.

Allow us to be Jon Snow here and note that while the Lannisters (Trump) and the North (Korea) are rattling sabers, the REAL enemy (Climate Change) is coming for us all. A recently released draft report from 13 federal agencies concludes that temperatures have risen “rapidly and drastically since 1980” and that the past three-plus decades have been the warmest in 1,500 years.

2. Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

One of 12 children of an Arkansas sharecropper, Glen Campbell learned to play the guitar well before puberty (though he never learned to read music) and never looked back. With his good looks, folksy charm and genuine sense of humor, Campbell became a session musician for the  likes of Frank Sinatra, toured with the Beach Boys as Brian Wilson’s replacement in 1964-65, appeared in the 1969 film True Grit (alongside John Wayne) and went on to a string of country-and-pop hits, such as “Wichita Lineman” and “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

Campbell, who had been suffering from Alzheimer’s since 2011 and was quite public about his fight with the disease, died yesterday at the age of 81.

3. I’m Sorry, Sir, Your Name Does Not Appear To Be On The List

Jack Johnson pummeled opponents and dated white women. He was an O.G.

So ESPN’s BLM website (Clay Travis would likely refer to it as “their more overt BLM website”), The Undefeated, published a list of “The 50 Greatest Black Athletes,” the results of a survey of more than 10,000 people.

Note: It’s a very, very strong list. I mean your top six, counting down, are Serena Williams, Jesse Owens, Willie Mays, Muhammad Ali (“I am the Third Greatest!”), Jackie Robinson and Michael Jordan. Wilt Chamberlain, arguably the most dominant athlete in a team sport in the past 50 years (i.e, in the history of big-time team sports), is 26th.

Tiger has won 14 majors. Not only should he be on the list, he should be in the top 10.

The three biggest names not on the list (and there’s no excuse for this): Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant and Jack Johnson, the boxer who was the original black athlete that scared the hell out of White America.

Names I’d have taken off or lowered: Do Gabby Douglas and Simone Biles really both need to be Top 10, or even on the list? I love Larry Fitzgerald, too, but are you really trying to tell me he’s greater than Tiger? Child, please. Isaiah Thomas? Over Kobe??? C’mon.

It’s still a better list than Rolling Stone‘s “100 Greatest Movies of the Nineties,” which excluded Saving Private Ryan and Good Will Hunting. Blech!

4. Netflix’s Newsworthy Day

Few wealthier men wear the “homeless guy about to ask you for ‘spare change'” look better

Early yesterday Netflix announced that it was bringing back David Letterman to host six one-hour shows next year. In each show Dave will interview one guest (but will Paul be there???). “Here’s what I have learned,” Dave said in a statement. “If you retire to spend more time with your family, check with your family first. Thanks for watching, drive safely.”

Who will be Dave’s guests? I’d guess a wish list would include Barack Obama, Sean Spicer, Tom Hanks, Elon Musk, Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger. Your suggestions?

Later yesterday, after Disney announced earnings (and failed to beat estimates), the Mickey Mouse Club announced that after next year its properties will no longer be seen on Netflix. Disney will begin its own streaming services, which will just create more of a headache for consumers.

The streaming service’s stock (NFLX, that is) dropped more than 3% after hours. Is this smart strategy by Disney, an act of desperation to stave off a rising leviathan, or a little bit of both? And will other content-producing companies follow Disney’s lead in an attempt to starve Netflix, which now has $20 billion set aside to create original content?

5. Star, 80

“Is it safe?” Hoffman and Olivier in the same scene (you need to watch this film as a double feature with “Three Days of the Condor,” starring Hoffman’s co-star in “All The President’s Men,” Robert Redford

We missed it, but Dustin Hoffman turned 80 years old yesterday (also, Jerry Garcia, who died 22 years ago when he looked 75, would have turned 75 today). He’s one of America’s essential actors, on a one-handed list, for the past 50 years. Here are the five Hoffman films you absolutely must see, from the MH editorial board.

1. The Graduate
2. Marathon Man
3. Rain Man
4. All The President’s Men
5. Tootsie 

Also receiving votes: Midnight Cowboy and Wag The Dog (and he’s fantastic in Dick Tracy in a limited role).

Music 101

Deceiver’s Chamber

Ah, the vicissitudes of the food service industry. Occasionally you walk into work to bartend a party for 1,400 and learn that your new co-worker is a 6’10 Aussie who plays lead guitar in a heavy metal band. So please enjoy the musical stylings of Hellbringer performing at the Maryland Deathfest.

Remote Patrol

vicissitude (noun)

alternation between contrasting things; a change of fortunes

by John Walters

Starting Five

Have they not yet invented cargo shorts in Russia?

Leaders On Holiday*

*The judges will reluctantly accept “Topless Tsar”

Vladimir Putin is spending his time off shirtless, outdoors and in Siberia. Donald Trump is spending his (thus far) on Twitter, indoors and in New Jersey.

Never in U.S.history has anyone lied or defrauded voters like Senator Richard Blumenthal. He told stories about his Vietnam battles and….

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 7, 2017

Siberia. New Jersey. Siberia. New Jersey.

2. Snakes Alive!

This python perished after it attempted to eat an alligator and burst. It was like a scene out of a Monty…wait for it…Python film

Don’t know if you know this, but south Florida is now brimming with Burmese pythons. The serpents are not indigenous to the area, but the latitude is nearly the same as their home base in Asia and, to the dismay of many other local species, including your pet terrier, the vipers are thriving.

Yes, this is Florida. If you tee shot lands in the tall grass, we advise taking a drop.

Snake hunts are now a common thing in the Florida Keys and Everglades, with the python posse bagging $8.10 an hour and as much as $300 per snake. It almost makes you wonder if these snake searchers would be induced to raise their own pythons to keep the gig going longer.

3. Colin > Christian, No?

At least his hair is not controversial

Yesterday the New York Jets! Jets! Jets! 2016 second-round pick, quarterback Christian Hackenberg, was booted from the field after twice failing to break the huddle correctly during seven-on-seven drills. Hey, it’s not as if he was punched in the face by a teammate, but it’s still not a good look for a guy whose only job it is to play quarterback (it’s not as if he’s fitting this in after classes, etc.).

There is simply no validity to the argument that Kaep is not in the league based purely on skills/talent, as the play of Hackenberg and Sunday’s signing of Jay Cutler demonstrate.

Hackenberg seems like a decent dude, but seeing as he plays for the Jets, and as he completes too many passes to reporters based on the sidelines, he’s become a target (perhaps one he could actually hit) for media types who wonder how badly a QB has to play before some owner gives Colin Kaepernick, a dude who actually led a team to a Super Bowl five years ago, a chance.

I’m 100% all-in on Christian Hackenberg. Big arm. Has good receivers. As soon as Geno throws 1st pick in Q1 of W1, gimmie the Penn St kid

— Jason McIntyre (@jasonrmcintyre) April 30, 2016

Besides, it’s always fun to remind Jason McIntyre of The Big Lead how high he was on Hack.

4. Sam-demonium

Look, Sam Darnold is a very, very good quarterback. He may even win the Heisman Trophy this season. Then again, the USC redshirt sophomore may not.

“Sam Darnold is boring.” —Jeff Pearlman, Bleacher Report (that’s the lede to his profile)

Last January Darnold threw for 453 yards, five touchdown passes and led the Trojans back from a 14-point fourth quarter deficit against Penn State for a 52-49 win in the sexiest Rose Bowl since January 2, 2006 (Texas-USC). And sure, it was nice to see a team that opened the year with a 52-6 loss against defending national champion Alabama and started out 1-3 right the ship. The Trojans have now won nine in a row and Darnold is the face of the renaissance.

Remember this dude? He actually won the Heisman last season.

USC is on a very, very short list (Michigan, Notre Dame, Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Ohio  State, Alabama) that fans nationwide will always care about. Love or hate. And so it’s not that surprising that Sports Illustrated and Bleacher Report and the Los Angeles Times have ALREADY come out with huge features on Darnold.

Here’s the problem: his story isn’t all that incredible. He’s a SoCal beach kid with good, solid middle-class parents. But that hasn’t stopped everyone from writing about a QB who was 9th in passing efficiency, 13th in TD passes and 36th in passing yards last season. Where are the features on Penn State’s Saquon Barkley, who rushed for 194 yards in that Rose Bowl and is no less a legit Heisman Trophy candidate. Or on USC linebacker Cameron Smith, who in MH’s opinion is a better player, position for position?

Smith is, in MH’s opinion, USC’s best player position-for-position

I guess the question becomes, If writers agree that Darnold is not the world’s most compelling main character, and if his numbers are terrific but he’s not exactly Jake Browning (another Pac-12 QB with better numbers who actually led his team to the CFB playoff last year), then why the plethora of Darnold pieces? Is USC just Notre Dame’ing its way into your feed? Do writers feel more comfortable talking to a white kid from The O.C. than, say, Lamar Jackson? Has anyone written a piece on Toledo’s Logan Woodside, who led the nation in passing TDs last season and was second behind only Baker Mayfield (another dude whose story is far more intriguing than Darnold’s) last year in passing efficiency?

PLEASE! Stop bombarding us with Logan Woodside features.

Dig: as a Notre Dame alum this MH staffer should be the last one to call out any school/player for garnering too much attention in August. Granted. I’m just wondering if those ND/USC presesason profiles are just a product of intellectual laziness on the part of editors/writers? Or if it’s shameless clickbait? Or, likely, a little of both.

5. Google Gaggle

Less popular at Google than Action Jack Barker is at Hooli

Last week James Damore, a Google engineer and a former child prodigy in chess from Illinois, wrote a 10-page manifesto (emphasis on that first syllable), an internal memo. You can read it in full here.

On Monday afternoon, Damore was fired. While many of Damore’s opinions were unpopular and some downright false, perpetuating stereotypes against females that have been proven over and over again (Did this dude not see Hidden Figures???), it is a little ironic that he was fired for, in essence, demonstrating a diversity of opinion. Which was sort of the point of this entire exercise.

Does Damore have a case against his employer? Well, his First Amendment rights, as you know, do not extend to what Google must put up with from an employee. Did Google do the right thing? My answer: No. Let him work there and if he’s doing his job well and treating co-workers with respect, that’s really all that matters. Allow him to be a misogynist if he must–at least he’s out in the open about it. As this article shows, Damore is far from alone in Silicon Valley.

Reserves

The MH staff discovered Mount Marathon five years ago (back when we wrote for Fox’s The Daily). Outside magazine discovered “The World’s Toughest 5-K” this month. Thanks, guys. Now it’s going to be that much more difficult to get in.

Music 101

Dance The Night Away

The first single from Van Halen II was the band’s first Top 20 hit, and though Diamond Dave, Michael Anthony and the Van Halen sibs did not want it to be the band’s first single off the 1979 album, the record label overruled them. The tune is just too fun to ignore.

A Word, Please

preternatural (adj)

beyond what is normal or natural

by John Walters

Starting Five

Burn Notice*

*The judges will also accept “Pregame Fryover”

Westeros was ushered into the age of air war last night, as Daenerys Tarygaryen, Mother of Dragons, Stormborn yada yada yada unleashed her Dothraki and piloted one of her three children in a raid against the Lannister army. It was glorious, as was the entire episode.

–Sibling reunions: Arya, Sansa and Bran Stark; Jon Snow and Theon Greyjoy.

–Bran subtly letting Littlefinger know that he’d just lied to him about the provenance of the dagger by, after Lord Baelish referenced “chaos,” repeating arguably Baelish’s most infamous line: “Chaos is a ladder.” Brilliant.

Air superiority is the key to victory in battle. Also, why isn’t Daenerys breeding her dragons?

–The Arya-Brienne duel was outstanding, though I’m not sure Arya would even be the 700th best swordsman on the men’s tour.

–Mostly, though, it was that Dothraki & Dragon vs. Lannister battle at the end. And no, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jaime Lannister and Bronn. Something tells me that injured Drogon will pluck them from the depths. Remember, all of this is beyond the books now.

Sepinwall’s review is here.

2. Bolt’s Blot

In the final individual race of his magnificent career, Jamaican Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man EVER, finishes third. Bolt retires having won an unprecedented three consecutive Olympic golds in the 100 and 200 and with the four fastest times in history in the 100, including the WR 9.58 he ran in Berlin in 2009.

Justin Gatlin beats Usain Bolt in Bolt’s final 100m race. #IAAFWorlds pic.twitter.com/tVy4mAsZol

— NBC Olympics (@NBCOlympics) August 5, 2017

On Saturday night in London Bolt, an 11-time world champion in sprints, was topped by two former Tennessee Vols, Justin Gatlin, who ran a 9.92, and Christian Coleman (9.94), as he took bronze in 9.95. Gatlin, 35, has twice before been suspended for doping offenses and there are no small amount of folks in track and field wondering why he was even allowed to be in the race.

As an Elvis Costello fan, I wonder where he wrote the word “understanding?”

Oh, there was also a streaker before the race. And Bolt partied until 5 a.m. at SoHo Box afterward.

3. Good News, Bad News

The good news at (one of my) former employer(s) is that the wondrously talented Alex Nazaryan penned a fantastic cover story on the president and that said cover is garnering a plethora of attention. On President’s Trump’ slothful style:

So he sits and stews, like Al Bundy, the shoe-selling protagonist of Married … With Children, the sitcom of roiling white discontent that predicted Trump better than any political scientist or pundit. Unsatisfying job, ungrateful children, all around him a nation in decline. Bundy dreams of the days when he was a high school football star; Trump, of his election-night romp through the Upper Midwest.

The bad news is that the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Matt McAllester, has been named in a sexual and age discrimination lawsuit from his days at Time magazine (the good news there is that if someone at Newsweek is able to land an exclusive with McAllester about this suit, it could really drive traffic for the site and help them reach their quotas).

4. Death In A National Park

As I was driving back from Yosemite on Friday with my friend/guide Geoff, somewhat grateful to be safe and yet at the same time loathing myself for being a wuss, I found this story on Twitter: a 38 year-old mom, an ER doctor from Texas, died in the Grand Canyon earlier last week when she took a wrong turn, got lost, and perished of exposure.

The woman, Sarah Beadle, had been hiking with her daughter and another child when they ran low on water. She placed them in a shady spot and went out to search for water for them. She never returned. The children were found by another hiker and are safe.

I was lucky enough to head out with an experienced hiker, someone who brought plenty of water for us, head lamps, hiking sticks, etc. National parks are no joke. That’s what you should love about them. It’s also what you must remember about them. It’s a tragic story, of course, but also a teachable moment. This was an ER doctor, who understood better than most what the perils were. If it could happen to her….

5. “Hey Siri, How Did Your Hitting Streak End?”

Over the weekend Jose Siri, an outfielder with the Class A Dayton Dragons, had his Midwest League-record 39-game hit streak snapped. It was HOW it ended that created a benches-clearing moment. After going 0-fer-3, Siri came to bat in the bottom of the 8th. The first pitch by Great Lakes pitcher Ryan Moseley sailed BEHIND Siri. Then, with a 3-2 count, the pitch sailed way outside.

You don’t often see benches-clearing walks, but you don’t often see 39-game hit streaks, either.

Music 101

Cosmic Hero

My friend Geoff has the most encyclopedic musical knowledge of anyone I know (with the possible exception of MH contributor Billy H.) and last week he introduced me to the American indie rock band Car Seat Headrest. This song travels through a few different tempos and moods, but it’s ambitious and phenomenal.

A Word, Please

masquerade (noun)

a false show or pretense*

*This is a fantastic writer’s word, not only because it lends itself to describing many sins, but also because it looks good on the page and sounds cool as you say it.

by John Walters

Don’t Half Do-Me Like That!

There was no IAH! yesterday as the staff of MH took its annual field trip, affectionately titled this year as the “Yosemite Scram!” Under the guidance of the intrepid and outstanding Geoff Thurner (and the unbelievable understanding of his wife, Ali, and their newborn) we did the 18-mile round trip hike (almost) up Half Dome in Yosemite National Park.

Moment of wussification. Actually, it was a few steps prior to this. We’re not proud, but we’re not really that ashamed, either.

Geoff’s a shrewd and seasoned outdoorsman. Hence, we embarked out of the parking lot at 12:45 a.m, up past Vernal Falls, then past Nevada Falls, making it above the tree line just before dawn. Geoff (and Ali, who stayed back at the homestead) has done this hike four or five times and always summits. The MH staff chickened out right before the cables. We’ll admit it: we wussed out. But we’re alive today, and that’s the big goal.

On average, about two people per year die at Yosemite. And those seem like good odds, until this is your view.

Nevada Falls. Just one of Yosemite’s many wonders.

Again, deepest thanks to Geoff and Ali. They are the best. Also, if you’ve never visited Yosemite, you owe it to yourself to do so. At one point during our hike, around 4 a.m. a deer happened upon us. Stood no farther than 10 feet and just stared at us. Just glad it wasn’t a bear.