by John Walters

Starting Five*

*Or however many were in the room

Natasha Poly is a Russian-born American. Medium Happy investigators have not ruled her out as the fifth person in the room.

1. The Fifth Man*

*Someone resurrect Orson Welles, we have a film idea

Turns out that more people than you think are intrigued by “adoptions.” A fifth person (besides Don, Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort and Natalia Veselnitskaya) were in that June 9, 2016 meeting that has drawn so much attention this week.

NBC News has learned that Veselnitskaya was accompanied by a Russian-born American lobbyist. His identity has not been confirmed, but his presence has been. Now it’s just a matter of finding video or a transcript from Donald, Jr., mentioning that there were only four people in the room.

2. Use Your Illusion

Is it just me or has Kellyanne Conway had a little work done? And if so, was she “bleeding badly?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBPCUMsrC4

Look at Kellyanne’s face above. Now look at her from five months earlier. Is it just a matter of a getaway vacation at Sandals?

Meanwhile, this was a nice attempt at distraction from the Don, Jr., meeting. Did it work?

3. ” ‘Derriere’ is a French Word. Not A Lot Of People Know That”

“You’re in such good shape. Like, you’re making me completely rethink my decision not to stage a 40-and-over Miss Universe pageant. I’ve got a sudden urge to storm your Bastille!”

I mean, really, Donald. The world has witnessed countless examples of well-intentioned older chauvinists objectifying women (in front of their husbands? who happen to be the leader of a large nation?), but when it’s a guy who is on record as boasting about grabbing women by the pu**y because “when you’re a celebrity, they let you do it,” I’m sorry, you no longer get a free pass. Every time Donald Trump travels abroad (or speaks to a broad), Billy Bob Thornton’s American president from Love, Actually looks better and better.

The farewell handshake between President Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron lasted about 25 seconds https://t.co/8CfUqfRZ8z pic.twitter.com/ddfJiJDv1i

— CNN (@CNN) July 14, 2017

4. What If Life of Pi Met All Is Lost?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-iMyfgmZMo

There’s so much to unwrap here: How does an elephant get swept out to sea? How did the Sri Lankan Navy know how to rescue such an enormous beast? There’s a Sri Lankan Navy??? What if a shark had attacked the elephant and it was on video! Would Jason McIntrye have spontaneously combusted with excitement?

5. Fantastic Forbes

Y0u would not know it by watching ESPN or reading its All-Lonzo-All-Day website, but the breakout star of the Vegas Summer League is San Antonio’s Bryn Forbes. The one-year veteran scored 29 points last night, which is just decimal points below his average through four games.

A 6’3″ sharpshooter out of Michigan State, Forbes spent much of his rookie season with San Antonio’s D-League team. But in early April, with three future Spur Hall of Famers sitting out against Dallas, he scored a career-high 27 points.

No doubt, Lonzo Ball is having a terrific Vegas week, leading the league in assists. But Forbes’ 29.3 ppg average has not received its due nationally.

Reserves

Cosmo Did It

Turns out the person of interest, Cosmo DiNardo, has confessed to killing all four men in that Philly-area missing persons case. He claims he had an accomplice. Turns out the drug dealer felt cheated in drug deals. Inside every one of us there’s a little Hector Salamanca, I guess. Tragic and terrible.

Music 101

It Don’t Come Easy

By the time they split, all of the Fab Four were primed to spread their wings and demonstrate what they were capable of on their own. Even Ringo. This track sounds like something George Harrison would have written because mostly, he did. But Harrison generously gave his friend full writing credits on this 1971 tune, which peaked at No. 4.

A Word, Please

Spurious (adj.)

Lacking authenticity; false (but who’s going to hop on a “Spurious News” slogan?)

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Trip of the Iceberg*

*The judges will also accept “I Want To Break Free” as long as you sing it in a Freddie Mercury voice.

So, wouldn’t it be ironic (actually, Alanis, the word is coincidental) if that massive Delaware-sized iceberg that recently cracked and is prepared to break free from Antarctica crashed into Delaware?

At the University of Leeds, polar observation researcher Anna Hogg (don’t you just love British names?) observes that while this massif is massive, it’s split from Antarctica (it is rumored to now be seeing South America) will not affect global sea levels. “This is the same as if you’ve got an ice cube in your gin and tonic,” Hogg says. “When the ice cube melts, it doesn’t raise the volume of water in that glass.”

Me, I wonder if the polar observation department at the University of Leeds is next to the bipolar observation department, and if that ever causes, you know, confusion.

2. Bodies Found In Bucks County

The person of interest, Cosmo DiNardo

It didn’t take long. Using cadaver-sniffing dogs, investigators at the DiNardo farm in Bucks County found a 12-foot grave and have already identified one of the bodies in it belonging to one of the four missing men, Dean Finocchiaro.

This story from Philly.com outlines the latest breaks in the case. Sounds as if the four men might have known the person of interest, Cosmo DiNardo, through marijuana and/or gun sales.

3. Peyton Throws A Home Run Ball

Last night Peyton Manning hosted the ESPYs and used a smart strategy: “I’m not going to tell these jokes the writers wanted me to say, but here they are, anyway.” Hey, he’s good at this, and the completion percentage was high. Everyone’s favorite rip: “Our [Olympic women’s] gymnastics team was so dominant that Kevin Durant told me he wants to play for them next year.”

4. Serkis of the Stars

Andy Serkis, The Precious, appeared on Colbert two nights ago and someone had an inspired idea: read Donald Trump’s tweets as Gollum from The Lord of The Rings trilogy.

5. Zed’s Dead, Baby. Zed Is Dead

Rolling Stone ranked the 100 Greatest Movies of the Nineties, a decade of cinema that we in this very space have hailed repeatedly as having had a surfeit of knock-out films (ooh, “surfeit”; that could be “A Word, Please” nominee at a later date). I’ve only gone through the list once, but I don’t recall seeing Forrest Gump on it. That’s just an ‘F You” omission.

UPDATE: Other films not on the list: Good Will Hunting, Jerry Maguire, Braveheart, A Few Good Men, The American President, Booty Call, Saving Private Ryan, Shakespeare In Love, and The Sixth Sense.

Thoughts: I like that Groundhog Day was as high as 11th: it’s an existential treatise more than it is a comedy; Trainspotting too low at 33 and The Shawshank Redemption way, way, way too low at 78.

RS‘ Top Five, from 5 to 1: Pulp Fiction, The Silence of the Lambs, Safe, Hoop Dreams, Goodfellas.

Music 101

What’s My Scene?

And another thing/I’ve been wondering lately/Am I crazy/To believe in ideals… In 1987 we Yanks finishing up college were treated to two great new bands who came out of nowhere (specifically, Down Under): The Church and this band, Hoodoo Gurus. Lead singer and songwriter Dave Faulkner says of this tune, “It best captures everything I try to do when writing any song. I wouldn’t change a note or a syllable of this one.”

A Word, Please

Flummox (verb)

To perplex (someone) greatly; confuse

by John Walters

Starting Five

Rob Goldstone, the publicist who set up the meeting between the Russian lawyer and The Last Don 2

Goldstone Schemery

A family friend of the Trump’s, Rob Goldstone, wrote to Donny Jr. last summer offering to set up a meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. We know this because Donny Jr. released his emails yesterday, which Pop is trumping as a display of his son’s “transparency” while failing to mention that the Failing New York Times was about to release those same emails anyway.

This is the defense that they think is going to stop the FBI and the Justice Department. LOL GTFO pic.twitter.com/Q7PdSOkl7H

— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) July 12, 2017

It may be true, but is it exculpatory?

“If it’s what you say I love it” –D. Trump, Jr.

Basically, Donald Trump, Jr., has confessed to and provided the paper trail to a meeting he took with a Russian who promised damaging info on a presidential candidate running against his dad. So what is the defense to this crime? Sounds as if it is, “So what, no biggie.” We’ll see.

Meanwhile, if you have yet to watch this video clip of a two-minute extemporaneous stand-up from Australian Chris Uhlmann, I recommend you give it your full attention for 120 seconds.

2. Cano Can Do

While all the world (myself included) entered the night agog over Aaron Judge, it was two former Yankees who sealed the American League’s fifth straight All-Star Game victory in Miami. Seattle Mariner Robinson Cano hit the go-ahead solo home run in the top of the 10th (how did the N.L. get to host two consecutive All-Star Games?) and Cleveland Indian closer Andrew Miller shut the door in the bottom of the inning?

The game featured 28 first-time All-Stars and 23 strikeouts. Cano, an eight-time All-Star, had as many All-Star selections as anyone on either roster. It was the first time since 1952 that an All-Star Game failed to have any player with at least 10 selections. We’ve entered a new era.

3. Next Time, David, Take The Subway To Subway

Yesterday, in a Failing New York Times Op-Ed titled “How We Are Ruining America,” columnist David Brooks opined, without saying it specifically, that if you live in a neighborhood with a Soul Cycle you are excluding the poor from ever making it in America. Or that’s what I took from it.

Anyway, about midway through he offered this well-intentioned yet somewhat tone-deaf paragraph about the midday meal to illustrate his point:

Recently I took a friend with only a high school degree to lunch. Insensitively, I led her into a gourmet sandwich shop. Suddenly I saw her face freeze up as she was confronted with sandwiches named “Padrino” and “Pomodoro” and ingredients like soppressata, capicollo and a striata baguette. I quickly asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else and she anxiously nodded yes and we ate Mexican.

Let’s get real. Do  you really believe David Brooks has any friends with only a high school education? Was it his housekeeper? Also, while everyone else is harrumphing about Brooks being out of touch (Why did he have to take her/him there?), all I can think is that David Brooks just was able to expense his meal at Chipotle.

4. Philly Four: No Answers Yet

The case of the four missing young men (Mark Sturgis, Thomas Meo, Dean Finocchiaro and Jimi Tar Patrick) from Bucks County, an area north of Philadelphia that is quite lovely and upper-middle class, continues to baffle investigators. First, where are they? Second, did all four know one another and through what avenue?

Cosmo DiNardo

Third, why is Cosmo DiNardo, aged 20 and supposedly having a history of mental illness, a person of interest? Fourth, when you hear that his parents own a 600-acre farm and are in the “cement contracting business,” does your mind go to Breaking Bad?

UPDATE: Investigators are also looking into the mysterious disappearance of Susie B., who was last seen walking down a dirt road in western Maryland babbling incoherently, or was it repeating “Sweet Pea….Sweet Pea…Sweet Pea?”

5. Precious Cargo

On a Qantas flight from Melbourne to Perth, Aussie passenger “Dean” had one item to check: a can of Emu Export Lager. Because Australians are less uptight about terrorism (and can afford to be), the ground crew happily tagged the beer and loaded it into the belly of the plane. It was even the first item sent out on the carousel.

Music 101

You’re In My Heart (The Final Acclaim)

In 1977 Rod Stewart released this song as a tribute to his former girlfriend, Britt Eklund. The tune rose to No. 4 on the U.S. Billboard charts. Eklund favors Stewart’s later wife, Rachel Hunter, no?

A Word, Please

Chicanery (noun)

The use of trickery to achieve a political, financial, or legal purpose.

by John Walters

Let’s get the important part over with first: I want to apologize to Alex Putterman and to the staff of Awful Announcing.

I hate being wrong. Like most adults, I hate admitting that I was wrong. But when I am wrong, and it happens often, I hate myself if I don’t own up to it. Here, I was wrong.

Let me tell you what happened. At the restaurant where I work (and worked part-time even when I was at Newsweek) I just finished a 13-hour day. Bartended back-to-back parties. Anyway, about 4 hours into my shift, a friend texts to tell me that it looks as if Awful Announcing rewrote the Caitlyn Jenner theme I posted last November. Bleacher Report had already done a similar re-write.

I’m gazing at the photo atop the story. The headline looks as if someone tried to summarize the story I wrote eight months earlier in one sentence. And the first few grafs had no mention of my piece. I was livid.

I completely forgot that Alex had interviewed me about this about a month ago. A lot has happened in my life since them, including two close family members being hospitalized and my working 6 days a week, and I completely forgot. Worse, I did not read to the bottom of the piece.

Anyway, I snapped and that was uncalled for. And there I was serving 400 corporate types on a “team-building” outing with an open bar. But here’s what’s truly the gist of it: I was wrong. Please accept my apology.  I’m sorry, Alex. And now that I’ve read the story, I think you did an excellent job.

Sincerely,

John Walters

by John Walters

Starting Five

As Nadal’s last shot sails long….

Muller Time!

It’s all right there above: 4 hours and 48 minutes. Five sets. A final set that lasted 28 games. Gilles Muller etches one of the top 20 moments in Luxembourg sports history (top 15?) by knocking out 4th-seed and all-time great Rafael Nadal at Wimbledon in the Round of 16. A classic match, and an antidote to a sleepy Monday afternoon in July here in the States.

2. The Last Don 2

Good morning. pic.twitter.com/mRRhKRU18A

— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) July 11, 2017

There’s smoke on that there gun, grampa. Is the news that Donald, Jr., admitted to taking a meeting with a Russian lawyer specifically seeking dirt on HRC last June at last a piece of news that, in a criminal sense, will stick? Well, it IS a crime and Don Jr. himself admitted (bragged?) that this is specifically why he met with that Russian. There’s no weaseling out of this one.

The Russian lawyer: Natalia Veselnitskaya

Here’s the Wall Street Journal story that broke the news and here’s a follow-up Washington Post piece that confirms it. There’s just far too many instances of the Trump family’s allegiances to Russia to ignore the notion that they’re in bed, financially, with Russia. And that it has compromised them from the very start of their run to the White House. This news is the strongest and most incriminating piece of evidence yet.

There was a funny montage last night on Rachel Maddow where she ran a series of denials from The Worst Wing members (Paul Manafort, Kellyanne Conway, Jeff Sessions, Mike Pence, Reince Priebus and even Orange Crush himself) about having EVER met with Russian officials during the campaign.

As Maddow explicated, for months and months The Worst Wing has denied meeting with the Russians. Now that it has been confirmed with nary a doubt, TWW seems to have adopted a strategy of saying, “Yeah, so what?”

3. Gavel Banger

Last night in Miami, Aaron Judge wins the Home Run Derby as we sportswriters attempt to find more witty metaphors to connect jurists with long-ball hitters. Judge hit 47 home runs during the competition (an image of Joey Chestnut just popped into my mind) and four of them traveled over 500 feet. And yeah, I do think that’ll rob him of some power at least the rest of July. We’ll see.

4. Tragedy in Mississippi

A Marine Corps KC-130 goes down in western Mississippi, killing all 16 military personnel aboard. The aircraft, which is regularly used for refueling, spiraled downward into a field and spread debris for five miles. Terrible day.

5. Never Mind Don, Jr., and Kim Jong-Un, We’re Doomed

Read this article from New York magazine if you really, really want to be depressed. Oh, and I’m sparing you the wave of Mass Extinction stories that are also spreading this morning. Related: Stop KILLING elephants, you bastards.

Reserves

Vanished in Bucks County 

Four young men, ages 18 to 22, have mysteriously vanished on a 68-acre farm in eastern Pennsylvania, in aptly named Bucks County. There’s a suspect, another young man named Cosmo DiNardo. His parents own the farm and are in the “cement contracting business.” Uh-oh.

Authorities have said that searching for the men, who knew each other, on the farm is like “searching for a needle in a haystack” (at a site that has haystacks; have they looked in there?). What’s going on? Still too soon to tell.

Music 101

Put The Message In The Box

Rock and roll was a little lost between the release of The Joshua Tree in 1987 until Nirvana and Pearl Jam showed up in 1991. Thank you, Guns ‘n Roses, for helping us through that fallow period. Occasionally a decent band, such as World Party, fronted by a former member of The Waterboys, Kurt Wallinger, would provide a gem. This song, from the critically acclaimed 1990 album Goodbye Jumbo, was one such piece of bling.

Remote Patrol

MLB All-Star Game

FOX 8 p.m.

Starting pitchers: Max Scherzer versus Chris Sale. In the past 20 years, the American League is 16-3-1.