by John Walters

Starting Five

Isaiah 2:53

Isaiah Thomas scored 53 points to lead the Boston Celtics to a 129-119 Game 2 overtime win against the Washington Wizards and a 2-0 lead in the series. The 5’9” guard, whom Chicago Bulls coach Fred Hoiberg accused of palming the ball on most plays (he’s right, by the way) and being “unguardable,” posted the second-highest playoff point total in the franchises illustrious history (John Havlicek once scored 54) on what would have been his sister’s 23rd birthday. Chyna Thomas was killed in a single-car accident on April 16.

2. LePen Pal

*The judges will also accept “The French Correction”

A twice-divorced maverick politician who appeals to the nation’s far-right populists and is seen as a slight underdog heading into the final week before the presidential election? Meet Marine LePen of France, whom one middle-aged shopkeeper in France praised to the New York Times for “the simplicity of her words” and addressing “the Islamic unbearableness of what we live every day.” Faire grande France encore!

3. Fenway Park: Chants Encounters

   

To atone for the racial taunts directed at Baltimore Orioles centerfielder Adam Jones from a few fans the night before, the Fenway faithful gave Jones a standing ovation before his first at-bat last night. Last weekend, when an in-game wedding proposal went awry, the park reverberated with the chant, “She said, ‘No’!”

4. Dial ‘M’ For Maddow

On Late Night with Seth Meyers, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow described a bizarre phone call she once had with then-candidate Donald Trump and later opined, ““There’s never been a president who is more addicted to news about himself and who’s more response to the news that he supposedly thinks is so worthless. So it’s a weird tension. It’s a dangerous time for the first amendment and the free press in this country. At the same time, we’re oddly influential with the guy who wants to kill us.”

5. Depp Charges

   

   Now the wig makes sense

A bitter trial between actor Johnny Depp and his ex-manager has led to allegations that the Pirates of the Caribbean star has a “compulsive spending disorder” (he reportedly spends $2 million per month) and that he routinely pays sound engineers to feed him his lines through an earpiece so he will not have to memorize them (so that’s not an earring?). If this does not inspire Ricky Gervais to launch Season 3 of Extras, nothing will.

Music 101

Is She Really Going Out With Him?

“Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street….” Do yourself a favor and own Joe Jackson: Live 1980-86, which has three versions of this 1979 track that hit No. 21 on the Billboard chart.

Remote Patrol

NBA Playoffs Doubleheader

7 P.M TNT

Raptors at Cavs followed by Rockets at Spurs. And yes, Susie B., we should’ve mentioned that glorious Game 1 alley oop dunk from Kyrie to LeBron.

by John Walters

Starting Five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70rMrFm3ZUs

Donald Ducks Question

“I don’t stand by anything.”

In an Oval Office interview with CBS’ John Dickerson, President Donald Trump gave the above response when asked if he stood by his comments in March that his predecessor, Barack Obama, was “sick” and “bad.” Trump also offhandedly told Dickerson that he refers to his Sunday morning program as Deface The Nation, which drew guffaws from Statler and Waldorf.

2. Decapitated Head Over Heels In Love

FBI translator Daniela Greene secretly wed an ISIS operative, Denis Hupert, in 2014, according to a story on cnn.com. Within weeks of the nuptials, Greene began to wonder if she had made a mistake, which is not uncommon. The newlywed may have seen the propaganda video in which her husband holds a freshly severed head, which is uncommon.

3. Can You Keep A Seacrest?

“Ryan & Ripa?” After a turbulent year of single-parenting Live following the defection of Michael Strahan, Kelly Ripa welcomes Ryan Seacrest as her permanent co-host. He’s not exactly Anderson Cooper, but he’ll do fine.

4. Rockets Blast Off*

*The judges will also accept “May Day! May Day!”

There was not a failure to launch in Game 1 of the Western Conference semis in San Antonio: the Houston Rockets attempted 50 three-pointers, burying 22, in a 126-99 Game 1 defeat of the Spurs. At halftime the Rockets led the Spurs by 30. Nine different Houston players converted three-pointers, led by Trevor “The World’s Most Famous” Ariza, who drained five.

5. Soiree, Not Sorry

   

   Somewhere in there is an umbrella

Its formal title is the Costume Institute Gala, but New Yorkers know it as the Met Gala. Anna Wintour’s annual shakedown of the fashion industry—tickets are $25,000—for the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the site on which the event is held, brought out the beautiful people once again last night. Imagine Night at the Museum except that none of the characters come to life.

Music 101

No Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqeSUAlI5uI

Originally released on the 1969 album Canned Wheat, this newer version was put on the 1970 blockbuster album American Woman by the Canadian band The Guess Who. It peaked at No. 5 while the title track shot to No. 1. In 1970 you could purchase hit albums by The Who and The Guess Who, which means there were probably a lot of teens who didn’t get exactly what they asked for at Christmas.

Note: the lead singer on this tune is Randy Bachman, who would later found a little band called Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

Remote Patrol

It Happened One Night

8 p.m. TCM

Was this 1934 gem starring Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert and directed by Frank Capra the original RomCom? It’s the first film and one of only three to sweep all five major Oscar categories: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, Best Screenplay. If you haven’t seen it (“The Walls of Jericho!”), tonight’s your chance to fill in that hole.

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Minhaj A Triumph

I’d never heard of Hasan Minhaj before Saturday night. I know who he is now. So does The Worst Wing. Minhaj delivered the keynote address at the White House Correspondents Dinner and he knocked it far out of the yard.

Some of my favorite lines:

—“No one wanted to do this [gig]. So of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down.”

— “It is amazing to be among the greatest journalists in the world, and yet, when we all checked into the Hilton on Friday, we all got a USA Today. Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Hey, you’re not that smart, right?’ 

–“Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do NOT see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon.”

And the gut punch…

—“You guys [the media] have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies. You guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority.”

A list of the best lines from Minhaj, a 31 year-0ld Indian-American, are here.

2. Onward, Hayward

We’re into Round 2 of the NBA Playoffs, and Gordon Hayward, Stephen Curry and Brad Stevens are all playing prominent roles. And where is John Calipari? He’s out at some AAU tournament in Portsmouth hoping some ‘baller named Jabbaronis McDavidson hasn’t already gotten the secret business card to Rick Pitino’s go-to brothel.

The Jazz took down the Clippers in Game 7 yesterday. And yes, I don’t mean to pour even more dirt on the Clips’ grave, but LOB City is over. The Jazz are rising, the Suns are on their way up, Houston is way better, the Spurs gonna Spur, and the Warriors are the gold standard.

Blow up the team? I dunno, but Doc Rivers is going to find himself with a team too good to land a great lottery pick and not good enough to get out of the first round. It’s a conundrum. Sure, if Gregg Popovich were in charge, they’d find a way to cure this, but he’s not, so what do you do?

3. Forever Rest*

*The judges are going to go ahead and point out the pun for our wordplay-impaired audience (“For Everest”)

The Swiss Machine, Ueli Steck, fell some 3,280 feet to his death this weekend while attempting an ascent of Mount Nuptse in Nepal (Rule No. 1: Gravity always wins). Stock, who was training for an attempt on Mount Everest without the aid of oxygen later this spring, was 40. He died a climber’s death, which fits because he was arguably the world’s most famous climber.

In 2012 Steck made the ascent of Everest without oxygen and three years later he summited all 82 Alpine peaks in 62 days. He climbed the Eiger when he was only 18. He saw more than most people ever have and he realized the wonder of it all, baby.

4. Jackson Jive

“Don’t speak! Don’t–Don’t speak!”

Donald Trump went on Sirius/XM radio this morning and went fake news on the 19th century, but what else is new?

“People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”

This is really something. pic.twitter.com/uOVkdNzf5t

— Lachlan Markay (@lachlan) May 1, 2017

I read this and I could just picture Antonio Sabato, Jr., asking this question and Trump fidgeting as he hoped he’d done well enough in the swimsuit competition to get by. Probably no other president did more to expand slavery than Andrew Jackson, but hey, I’m sure he could have just written an Executive Order and all the slaveholders would have freed the slaves cuz we all know how swiftly paradigm-shifting EOs get passed without any fuss.

I just wish they’d have let Trump expound on this more: “And another thing, and not a lot of people know this, but I know this because I’m a great reader, maybe the greatest reader, is that the Civil War was not very civil. Buh-lieve me!”

5. Mr. Irrelevant Is Highly Relevant

The downside of quarterback Chad Kelly, whom the Denver Broncos made the 253rd and final pick of this year’s NFL draft: He’s recovering from an ACL injury and he’s kind of a jerk, having been booted from Clemson and having some sort of dust-up in social media with a  porn star, the details of which I don’t have the stomach to plumb.

The upside: He’s Jim Kelly’s nephew, he has a rocket arm, he’s one of only three quarterbacks in the past EIGHT years to have beaten Alabama in Tuscaloosa, and the other two (Cam Newton, Johnny Manziel) were Heisman Trophy-winning first-rounders, he had Ole Miss up against both Florida State and Bama by double digits last season (they’d lose both games) and, oh year, quarterbacks from Mississippi schools have a decent NFL track record (Brett Favre, Eli Manning, Dak Prescott).

Smart move, Denver.

Music 101

Magic

I LOVE the Seventies! This is Pilot, a Scottish rock band who landed in one-hit wonderdom with this song that rose to No. 5 in the USA in the glorious summer of ’75….

Remote Control

Better Call Saul

10 p.m. AMC

Okay, you can watch Game 1 of Rockets-Spurs if you like (Susie B., we all know what you’ll be watching), but this is, what, Episode 4 now of this season. I missed last week so I’ll have to be in by 9 p.m. for the double shot. It’s a tough life.