by John Walters

Starting Five

Harm, but no foul

Beverley Spills*

*The judges will also accept “The Beverley Center” and “Steven Hawking Rockets’ Guard”

The Thunder only trailed by 5 in the third quarter when Steven Adams laid out Patrick Beverley on a brutal but legal pick. The Rockets went on to win by 31. James Harden simply was not fair, scoring 37.

Wondering….Do NBA players call “pick?” I mean, help a brother out, yo.

2. Is Boston About To Become Rupp Arena?

Later today Galen Rupp could become the first native-born American to win the Boston Marathon since Bill Rodgers did so in 1980. Two other nationalized Americans have done so since then: Rupp’s coach, Alberto Salazar, and his teammate, Meb Keflezighi who will also run today. Rupee took bronze in the Olympic marathon last summer.

Lisa Weienbach was the last American female to win Boston, in 1985, and now that Shalane Flangan has withdrawn with an injury, that record won’t be seriously challenged.

3. Golf Cart Blanche

As obscene as the $23 or so million that has already been spent on Donald Trump’s weekend getaways to south Florida have cost, there’s something particularly wicked about the reported $35,000 the Secret Service has had to spend in golf cart rentals at Mar-A-Lago in order to protect POTUS.

This is not a story from The Onion. The Secret Service, in protecting a prez who has now played 18 rounds of golf in fewer than 100 days in office, has to rent golf carts from his company. That’s an experienced grifter at work. Not only are you, the American people, going to pay for my weekend trips, but I’m going to profit off you having to protect me.

4.That Question The Reporter Asked Doc Rivers Was NOT The Dumbest Thing I Ever Heard

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu_NTSV1-Q4

You’re down two and you have the ball. Of course you want to score, but here’s the counter-arguments…

1. If you miss, you may get the offensive rebound for a second opportunity, but you may not, which will likely necessitate a foul and falling behind, after free throws, by three points or even two possessions.
2. If you make the two very late, you force overtime. If you make the three late, you win the game.
3. If you take the shot when the Clips did and make it, now you must play defense and there’s an excellent chance that the opposing coach will not call timeout and not allow you to put your top defenders on the floor, which is why Joe Johnson was able to blow past 84-year vet Jamal Crawford on the final iso play, which is also why, given those particulars, the question was pertinent.

We’ve seen Doc Rivers try to belittle reporters before (see: Bill Simmons, 2012, I believe, NBA draft) and we’ve seen that it’s more about his ego than the facts. You can make a strong case for why the Clippers did what they did at the end of Game 1 but, given how the game ended, you can make just as strong a case for asking that question.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxvK3PaE_hc

By the way, when fellow reporters scold a reporter on Twitter for asking a legitimate question, all they do is move the line toward asking questions everyone already knows the answer to. You know why kids ask such great questions? Because those questions are asked out of genuine curiosity. That’s really the only standard for a question.

(Listen to the first question in the presser above. That’s not a question. That’s a “Talk about…” safe conversation starter.)

(By the way, Joe Johnson is in his 16th season; Jamal Crawford is in his 17th.)

Also, here’s a good question for Doc: How did you lose Game 1 at home to a team with no playoff experience as a unit when that team’s most productive player, Rudy Gobert, only played 17 seconds?

5. Farewell, 19th Century

The 19th century, which gave us the discovery of men’s suits, electricity and anesthesia, is finally over. Last weekend Emma Morano, the last person born before 1900 who was still breathing, died at the age of 117. Morano, an Italian woman who loved cookies, credited her longevity to ending her abusive marriage, which she did 79 years ago.

The world’s oldest living man, Israel Kristal, is 113 and is a Holocaust survivor. So take that, Hitler.

Music 101

 Biggest Part of Me

Unapologetic soft rockers Ambrosia scored a No. 3 hit with this tune in the spring of 1980.

Remote Patrol

Better Call Saul

10 p.m. AMC

Last week’s season premier was all exposition. We got a lot of shots of Mike tinkering with gadgets, which shows how much more meticulous and careful he is than Jimmy. Also, it’s going to be his way, I suspect, of showing Gus Fring and his crew that he cannot be outsmarted. Two, we got Chuck hatching a plan to go after Jimmy, with Ernesto in the middles; and we have Jimmy and Kim in an odd place, as she realizes that she has landed her biggest client thanks to Jimmy’s skulduggery. Did she self-sabotage as a way to even the score?

Jackie, 70

by John Walters

Starting Five

This marks the third “mother” Trump has dropped. The other two signed non-disclosure agreements.

Boys And Their Toys

When I was a wee lad on the mean streets of Middletown, N.J., my friends and I would make damns beneath the curb on the street after a rain or some adult had wished his car. We didn’t do it to stop the water. We did it for the visceral thrill of what it would look like when, after we let all that water build up, we destroyed the dam.

Welcome to the geopolitical world of Donald Trump and The Worst Wing. Did the GBU-43/B, the MOAB (“Massive Ordnance Air Blast, a.k.a. Mother Of All Bombs), the largest non-nuclear bomb there is at 21,600 pounds, accomplish anything when it was dropped over Afghanistan?

Bad MOAB….

Or was it simply a weapon of mass distraction? Was it a way to remind North Korea and/or China that MAGA has MOABs? Was it done to curb the nascent discussion about voting machines in Florida and other states possibly being tampered with? Was it because Trump had just been eating “the most beautiful chocolate cake?” Or was it because our very own septuagenarian King Joffrey has access to all these toys, and having never paid any dues or had to be accountable to anyone except dad, he has no appreciation of the consequences to his actions?

….Good Moab

Whatever. ISIS is barely in Afghanistan. And do they really need to use tunnels when they blend in so easily with the population, anyway? This “operation” will come undone soon, too.

Finally, and I was thinking about this a lot yesterday: Trump and many males only know how to exist, or feel comfortable, in an environment of “Dominate Or Be Dominated.” Myself and many females (and a few other sane males, for example, the dude whose death we are commemorating today) try to exist in an environment of harmony with our fellow man. The latter isn’t ALWAYS possible (“Sieg Heil!”) but most of the time it is. But The Worst Wing wouldn’t understand that, which is why trust fund brats such as Donald Jr. and Eric go out and murder wild animals. What a terrible family, first or not.

2. Canada, Try

America’s capital beat Canadia’s capital last night

After all eight opening round Game 1 matches in the Stanley Cup playoffs, my Canadian teams are….0-5. Boston beat Ottawa 2-1, the Rangers beat the Canadiens 2-0, and the Sharks beat Edmonton in overtime 3-2 on Wednesday. Last night Anaheim beat Calgary 3-2 and in the showcase series of the first round, Washington beat Toronto 3-2 in overtime.

Don’t do this to me, Canada.

3. The Bridges of Ingham County

“He HAS to leave!” He don’t, though.

Michigan State finished 20-15 this season, bowing out to Kansas in the second round of the NCAAs. The Spartans’ top player was 6’7″ freshman guard Miles Bridges, who averaged 16.9 points and 8.7 rebounds per game and is considered by many to be an NBA lottery pick. Not a Top 5 pick, mind you, but a lottery pick.

On Thursday Bridges made the apparently controversial decision to return to East Lansing for his sophomore year, detonating a Sportswriter Twitter explosion. On PTI Pablo Torre told Tony Kornheiser, “I loved college, but I love money more. He HAS to go!”

Why? Is there something blasphemous or imbecilic about valuing experiences more than cash? Think of the people you know: Would you rather know someone who was true to his values and lived that way or someone whose only guiding factor was money? And if you’re struggling with that one, allow me to introduce you to a few hedge funders I’ve encountered who are drinking and drugging and whoring their way through their miserable existences.

Miles Bridges did not make the right decision because he chose college over cash. He made the right decision because he listened to himself and not to others. He’s learning to be a man, and he’s on the right track. Maybe, just maybe, that Tom Izzo guy is rubbing off on him a little bit.

4. No Way, Jose Worshippers

Can they build a statue that looks like this?

Former Miami Marlin Jose Fernandez was an outstanding Major League pitcher for fewer than four seasons who won a total of 38 games in his career. He’s also a guy who was high and/or drunk last September when he crashed his boat into a jetty, killing himself and two other passengers. His former team, the Miami Marlins, is planning on erecting a nine-foot statue of him outside their ballpark, which is a horrendous idea.

If the crash were purely an “accident,” then maybe every state would not have laws punishing people who operate vehicles while impaired. Here’s the pro-Jose argument: “He wasn’t a bad buy just because of that crash.” And here’s the rebuttal: “He wasn’t a good guy just because he was a terrific pitcher.” We are all just the sum of our acts on this giant rock. Fernandez soared to higher heights than most people in his short time, but he also sunk to lower depths, his irresponsibility claiming the lives of two others.

This isn’t Roberto Clemente dying in a plane crash while delivering supplies to earthquake victims. This is a dude out on a 2 a.m. joyride on his boat who got three people killed and left the mother of his child to raise the kid without him. Not exactly statue-worthy.

 5. The Hell’s Wrong With Cops?

I get it: it’s a tense job. My dad was in law enforcement. But, I mean, c’mon, the above video was because a dude in Sacramento was jaywalking. Jaywalking! The cop told him to get down on the ground and the man didn’t comply. Then again, when is the last time a cop ordered you to get on the ground for jaywalking? (I once did get a ticket for jaywalking in Tempe, Ariz.; no one made me lay on the ground, though).

And here below, there’s a possibility the dude in cuffs didn’t exactly say, “Thank you, officer” but kicking him in the head when he’s already cuffed and lying face down on the pavement? At a busy intersection?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOrIj0uO7sw

The hell’s wrong with you guys?

Music 101

There’s No Home For You Here

There’s so much meat on the bone of so many White Stripes songs. This is one from Elephant that didn’t get much radio play, nor is it played every fall Saturday afternoon at college football stadiums, but it makes me want to get an electric guitar, then get a garage, and then form a band. I had the good fortune of seeing Jack and Meg White on The Elephant tour in 2003 or ’04. Unforgettable. How did just two people rock out like this?

Yes, this isn’t them doing the video. It’s some nice people lip-synching.

Remote Patrol

Sharks at Oilers, Game 2

10 p.m. NBC Sports Net

If you have yet to see Edmonton’s 2nd-year stud Ian Connor McDavid, who led the NHL in points this season, here’s your chance.

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Big O, 78, traveled to OKC to salute Russ

1. Making His “O” Face*

*The judges will also accept a Felix-ian “Oscar, Oscar, Oscar”

The Big O hisself, Oscar Robertson, journeyed to Oklahoma City on the last night of the regular season to participate in a short pregame tribute to Russell Westbrook. Then he suited up and played one-on-one versus Tony Romo.

Anyway…

Robertson in 1962: 30.8 points, 12.5 rebounds, 11.4 assists per game for the Cincinnati Royals in his second season at the age of 23.

Westbrook in 2017: 31.6 points, 10.7 rebounds, 10.4 assists per game for the Thunder in his ninth season at the age of 28.

2. Stevens’ Point*

Gangsta in Boston. Oh yeah, his team gets the No. 1 overall pick (probably) come June.

*The judges will not accept “The Good, The Brad and The Ugly”

Ten years ago last week, Brad Stevens was a 30 year-old whose wife may have still been wondering whether it was smart of him to ditch a sure-thing job at Eli Lily to have become a volunteer assistant at Butler. But now he had just been named head coach at Butler.

Since then, he has twice taken Butler to the Final Four (they came a fraction of an inch from taking down Duke in the 201 national championship game) and national championship game with just one NBA player on the roster (Gordon Hayward) and now he has led the Boston Celtics, who have one All-Star on its roster (and none over 5’10”), to first place in the Eastern Conference. Stevens may look like the quintessential suburban Indianapolis soccer dad who could soon be promoted to assistant to the regional manager, but in fact he is as good a basketball coach as there is. Period. He’s still only 40.

3.  RIP, Dorothy Mengering

I don’t know what producer on David Letterman‘s old show saw or met his mom and suggested, “We HAVE to have that lady on this show!” Maybe it was Dave. I dunno. All I know is that Dave’s mom was the sweetest, most demure thing you’ve ever seen and a natural charmer. She softened every one of Dave’s rough edges on air and to see them interact, albeit via satellite (“Hi, David”), is to understand why that brittle, sarcastic exterior had a chewy, sentimental center. Dorothy died a day or two ago at the age of 95. She was the best.

4. And RIP, Charlie Murphy

He was not just some Fredo to brother Eddie’s Michael Corleone; in later years Charlie Murphy became a staple of Chappelle’s Show, simply by the way he related anecdotes of his “Brush With Greatness” moments. Charlie passed away due to leukemia at the age of 57 yesterday.

5. Corvallis In Wonderland

Heimlich is a 6-foot southpaw from Puyallup, Washington

The best college baseball team in America plays in the Pac-12/Conference of Champions. USC? Stanford? Arizona State? Arizona? UCLA?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oregon State. The Beavers are an astounding 28-1 (their lone defeat came to another OSU, Ohio State) on February 24 in Surprise, Arizona. They’ve reeled off 23 straight wins since them. Starting pitcher Luke Heimlich “Maneuver” is 5-0 with a 0.77 ERA and 63 strikeouts against just 12 walks. The Beavers are winning with pitching: they have the stingiest ERA, 1.81, in Division I.

Madrigal has 11 doubles

The team’s most productive hitter, with a .392 batting average, is 5’7″ infielder Nick Madrigal. 

Music 101

You Make Loving Fun

In Fleetwood Mac, singer/keyboardist Christine McVie was the Bailey Quarters to Stevie Nicks’ Jennifer Marlowe. Or the Maryann to Stevie’s Ginger. Last week Rumours, arguably the definitive album of the 1970s, turned 40 years old. It’s a classic. Stevie got most of the lead vocals, but this tune was all Christine’s. This was the fourth and final single released from the 1977 album and it peaked at No. 9, making it the fourth top-10 hit.

Rolling Stone compiled a “10 Things You Didn’t Know” list about Rumours….

Remote Patrol

Calgary Flames at Mighty Ducks of Anaheim

Game 1

10:30 p.m. NBC Sports Net

Slim pickings tonight.

by John Walters

Starting Five

In Spicer’s defense, Hitler never pulled a ticketed passenger off a commercial flight

Springtime For Hitler Comparisons

It feels as if we’re shooting fish in a barrel at this point, but today’s Another Day Of Trump brings us Sean Spicer, who from his perch in the White House briefing room compared Syrian president Assad unfavorably to Adolf Hitler.

“You had someone who was despicable as Hitler who didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons. So you have to, if you are Russia, ask yourself is this a country and a regime that you want to align yourself with.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeGM41aktoA

Dig: I’m not averse to a Hitler comparison if it’s accurate. Things that make people uncomfortable shouldn’t bother you if they’re true. What was actually objectionable here, of course, is that Hitler DID sink to using chemical weapons in gassing hundreds of thousands if not millions of Jews and other unfortunate prisoners in his camps. That should be more bothersome to anyone who cares. The schmuck (Yiddish word; don’t @ me) who speaks for POTUS couldn’t even get that correct.

All of this took place on Passover, by the way….

2. A Cespedes For The Rest Of Us

Who cares how many different vehicles Yoenis Cespedes drives to work at spring training. When the season begins, he smokes the ball. Last night Cespedes, whom Moneyball genius Billy Beane traded away two summers ago (there are still Oakland A’s fans who insist this was a smart move), clouted three home runs in the Let’s Go’s 14-4 mugging of the Phillies. That’s the second time in less than two years Cespedes has had a three-homer game for NYM. No other Met has ever done it twice.

Still not as big a deal as when Colon smacked one home run last year in San Diego

Cespedes hit all three homers in the first five innings. He later doubled and grounded out. The Mets got four other home runs, including two from Lucas Duda, Duda, all the Duda day.

3. Oh! Canada

Okay, kids, maybe this is the year when The Great White North hoists a Stanley Cup. Canada, which invented the sport of hockey (yes, they also invented basketball, albeit in our country), has five count ’em five franchises in the Stanley Cup playoffs: Montreal, Calgary, Ottawa, Edmonton and Toronto.

The land of Justin-not-Pierre Trudeau has a 5/16ths chance of smooching Lord Stanley’s Cup, which no Canadian club has done since Montreal did so in 1993. Canada clubs have only even gotten into the Stanley Cup finals five times since then, losing all five times.

Great One II: Connor McDavid, just 20 years old, led the NHL in points this season

One interesting thing: None of the five clubs will face one another in the first round. The Canucks (ironically, the Vancouver Canucks are the one Canada team that did not advance to the postseason; UPDATE: Oops, sorry Winnipeg; we forgot you) could all advance to the second round or all be gone by then.

Montreal and Edmonton are the best bets to advance.

4. Cat On A Hot Tin Stoop

Bye Five? That’s Cat Greenleaf, host of Talk Stoop, who just slapped Nicole Richie in the face. What else is there to say?

5. No Direction Home

Cantrell, left, consoles Gary Robbins, who finished six seconds beyond 60 minutes (and also went off course)

I confess: I’d never heard of the Barkley Marathon that takes place deep in the woods of Tennessee six weeks ago. I know a little more about it now.

What do I know? That it’s kind of insane. Gary “Lazarus Lake” Cantrell founded it after learning of the prison escape of MLK assassin James Earl Ray, who went AWOL for 55 hours but only covered eight miles. Cantrell thought, I could do at least 100 miles.

So he founded an ultra marathon with almost no amenities and a poorly marked course. Racers have a choice of doing the 60- or 100-mile run and the cut-off time is 60 hours. The registration is secretive, limited to 40 entrants, and costs just $1.60. Racers must bring a license plate from their home state.

To prove they’ve completed the course they must show up at the finish line with pages from various books that Cantrell has hid along the course at checkpoints. In its 17 or so year history has only had 15 finishers.

Two weekends ago one man, John Kelly of Washington, D.C., finished and thereby won the Barkleys. His time was 59 hours and 30 minutes. Another man finished SIX SECONDS after the 60-hour cut-off time. No woman has ever completed the course and Cantrell, a proud red-state chauvinist, smiles when he is reminded of that. That’s your cue, Amelia Boone.

Music 101

Gimme Mick

In 1979 Gilda Radner, as Candy Slice, spoofed punk legend Patti Smith on Saturday Night Live, as Paul Schafer portrayed Don Kirshner and other cast members portrayed various artists (Bob Marley, Olivia Newton-John, Dolly Parton) performing at a festival to shed light on the horror that is yeast infections. The tune is so catch that 38 years later most of us who watched it that night can still repeat the chorus.

Remote Patrol

Rangers at Canadiens, Game 1

7 p.m. NBCSN

Two of the Original Six, I believe.