by John Walters

Starting Five

Uncool And The Gang

The funny thing is, there are at least three people in this photo I’d rather have running this country than the man who is seated at the desk.

Apparently he wants to build a a wall around the southern border of the White House as well

Meanwhile, the sidewalk abutting the South Lawn will now be closed permanently because the pwesident is a scaredy cat. Again, and for the 45th (!) time, imagine Obama doing this and the scathing criticism he’d hear from Trump. What a blow hard…and hypocrite.

2. LeBrontosaurus Rex Indiana*

*The judges realize there is no such thing as a Brontosaurus Rex and apologize to all of our paleontologist readers

Down 25 to the Indiana Pacers at halftime, Cleveland not only came back and won, hell, they tied the score up midway through the fourth quarter (the three makes it an entirely different game). LeBron James, a.k.a. Sweet Pea, a.k.a. The Man Whom Susie B. will someday go Kathy Bates in Misery upon, led the revival, scoring 41 points, grabbing 13 rebounds and dishing out 12 dimes, and yeah, if he really wanted to, he could play like this most nights and win the MVP without any questions asked.

More impressive to me, besides the fact that this was the largest halftime-deficit comeback in NBA history? The fact that this was the 20th consecutive first-round playoff game that James’ team has won.

Cavs up, 3-0. Now where is that fork I was searching for?

3. Blackhawks Down and Out

The Chicago Blackhawks, winners of three Stanley Cups in the past seven years and owners of the best record in the Western Conference, were ignominiously ousted, SWEPT (curled?), in the first round by the Nashville Predators (whose mascot is a middle-aged man sitting at a counter sheepishly asking questions posed by Chris Hansen…it’s true). Last night the Predators knocked out the Black Hawks 4-1.

Going back to regular season, Chicago lost its final 8 games. The Hawks not only lost as a top seed, they were swept, and by a team of y’alls. And were outscored 13-3 in the series. For shame, kids.

4. Trapped

Ehrmentraut Fishing, Caught By the McGill

Maybe it’s the fact that both protagonists (anti-heroes) in Better Call Saul have an allusion to fish in their surnames, but Episode 2 saw both Jimmy McGill and Mike Ehrmentraut take the bait and get caught hook line and sinker.

The final 10 to 15 minutes of the show played out with both men separately falling into the honey traps set by their nemeses. Jimmy, who assured Kim Wexler that he was okay, impulsively flew over to brother Chuck’s house in a rage, kicked down the door, destroyed property and threatened to hurt him (all with Howard and a P.I. hiding in a separate room to hear it all). He’s cooked and he knows it. How about that not-so-subtle harbinger moments before when Jimmy stops meticulously rubbing the tape off and just yanks it? A little heavy-handed with the symbolism, but okay.

As for Mike, how long do you think you can park outside Los Pollos Hermanos and not purchase a succulent roasted chicken before the manager becomes suspicious? He follows a car out into the high desert on a two-lane road with no egress only to realize he’s been literally led down a path with no escape. How’s THAT for symbolism?

Jimmy McGill is done. Jimmy and Kim are done. Mike, I suspect, is going to be recruited by Gus Fring who will make him an offer he can’t refuse. He can’t go back to being a part-time criminal any more. He’s all in now.

5. Great, But How Are They Going To Read This?

doing #unblockmebo at 6:30 et. think you should be unblocked? call 888.729.3776. #TheRightTime

— El Flaco (@bomani_jones) April 20, 2017

No sports media person I follow has a quicker trigger finger when it comes to Blocking followers than Bomani Jones. So I found this tweet funny yesterday for obvious reasons.

Fake News

BE AWARE: There is NO Limp Bizkit concert Wed. 4/20 at Sunoco station at Keowee St. & Wayne Ave. These ads FALSE. pic.twitter.com/wMo7bYxa9p

— Dayton Police Dept. (@DaytonPolice) April 19, 2016

Music Patrol

1999

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOy_qOrJwck

Life is just a party/And parties weren’t meant to last. On the first anniversary of the death of Prince Rogers Nelson, let’s go back to the song that helped take him to superstardom. Released in 1982, it only peaked at No. 44, but then after “Little Red Corvette” was released, it was re-released in the summer of ’83 and went to No. 12.

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Thunder, Game 3

9:30 p.m. ESPN

Russ went off for 51 points and a triple double on Wednesday and OKC still lost, falling behind 2-0. This is make or break time for the Thunder.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Be Nice, Maybe?

I don’t have any tips to give Bye Bye, O’Reilly on how to be better at TV—he was obviously gifted at that, as his top ratings in prime-time for 15 or so years demonstrate—but just on how to be better at humaning: Be nice. Especially to women. Watch this clip on CBS This Morning from last summer as Bill comes down Norah O’Donnell’s highway when she asks about another sexual harasser at Fox, his recently departed boss, Roger Ailes:

My favorite part about this? He was on to promote a book he’d written with James Patterson for kids about manners called Give Please A Chance.

This, by the way, happened just three weeks ago. It was the first drip in the wave of O’Reilly’s self-imposed downfall:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ej_woHoeXM4

2. The Empire Strikes Back

These photos lack context. Facts: In 2015, over 40 football staff were on the stairs. In 2017, they were seated on the South Lawn. https://t.co/iIYtV0hR6Y

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) April 20, 2017

The New England Patriots’ official website took aim at those of us who compared the photos of their White House visit yesterday to the one two years ago with Obama. The Pats did so by also tweeting comparison photos from 2005 and 2017.

Comparable photos: The last time the #Patriots won two Super Bowls in three years, 36 players visited the White House. Today, we had 34. pic.twitter.com/Aslvf1RaXU

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) April 20, 2017

Which of course brings up the obvious question, Why don’t the Pats like white presidents?

Much thanks to Bob Kraft for the information, but that doesn’t quite explain why Tom Brady missed yesterday’s event on the same day that his wife tweeted about an April 29 march in Washington D.C. in which she wrote, “March for climate, jobs and justice—to change everything, we need everyone.”

The tweet has since been deleted. Must’ve been an interesting day at the Brady-Bundchen home.

3. 51-13-10 AND 0-2

Terrific photo here by the Edwardsville Intelligencer

Dat dude, Russell Westbrook, had the highest triple double in NBA history last night (51 points, 13 assists and 10 boards) but the Rockets went on a 10-0 run with the score tied late in the fourth quarter. Houston wins 115-111. Russ: “I don’t give a (bleep) about the line. We lost.”

4. Sobibor

Last night on PBS I learned about Sobibor, a Nazi extermination camp in Poland where in October of 1943 the prisoners initiated an uprising. Led by a Russian Jewish military officer who had been put in the camp and who formulated a plan, they assassinated most of the top SS officers and the camp and then simply fleed for their lives.

Many of them were cut down by machine gun fire.

Others were blown to bits fleeing across a mine field toward the forest (they knew the mine field was there).

About 50 of the 200 people who escaped evaded death or capture and survived. One of the survivors said, “I didn’t care if I died that day as long as I could taste one minute of freedom.”

That resonated with me as I then watched Rachel Maddow detail the latest incident of a Trump-related official (former Blackwater CEO Erik Prince, who is Betsy Devos’ little brother) secretly meeting with a Russian agent. To round up: Mike Flynn, Jeff Sessions, Jared Kushner, Carter Page, Paul Manafort and now Prince.

And so it occurred to me: Distilled to its essence, Trump vs. Not-Trump is a matter of Safety vs. Freedom. And the people who keep voting for Safety don’t appreciate how precious freedom is. They truly don’t.

The other thought that occurred to me? HOW HAS NO ONE IN HOLLYWOOD NEVER MADE A SOBIBOR FILM???? This is Oscar gold, Mr. Spielberg.

5. Ol’ Blue Eyes Is Back

Highly recommend this book by Bill Zehme. It’s not as much a celebrity bio as a guide to living. Sinatra was arguably the first real rock star (living after midnight, rocking till the dawn), but he also was extremely generous and loved gathering people together.

One of my favorite stories from the book: Dean Martin, one of his closest friends, threw a wedding anniversary bash for himself and his wife at his Beverly Hills home in 1965.. Sinatra was there and quickly became master of ceremonies and libations. Dino, by the way, was a 6-handicap golfer: he loved his morning tee time far more than he did drinking.

Anyway, the party is raging and suddenly the cops show up at the front gate. Sinatra walks down to meet them. “Sorry, Mr. Sinatra, we’ve had a noise complaint and you’ve got to shut the party down.”

“You know me,” Sinatra said. “Who phoned?”

“Um, Mr. Sinatra….”

“Who WAS IT?” Sinatra fumed.

“The call came from inside the house.”

Sinatra ran into the house where he found Dean, in bed and watching TV, holding his putter (not a euphemism), in his hand. He smiled at Dean and said, “You bastard!”

There are a plethora of stories like this within. If you love ring-a-ding-ding, you’ll love this book.

Music 101

The Things We Do For Love

The year was 1977 and 10 CC had a huge hit with this song that basically has the same tempo/chords as the Welcome Back, Kotter, theme song. Also there’s a dash of Manfred Mann’s “Blinded By The Light” in the opening. Song shot to No. 5 in the USA.

Remote Patrol

On The Town

8 p.m. TCM

The last of the Gene Kelly-Frank Sinatra trilogy of films, made in 1949. Three sailors with a 24-hour shore leave in Gotham City. And nobody gets arrested (I don’t think). Kelly directed (by the way, check out the pollution when they’re atop the Empire State Building in this clip).

by John Walters

Starting Five

Kill Bill, Vol. 4

*The judges will also accept “Bill Folds” and “Bye, Bye O’Reilly” and “Killing O’Reilly’s Career”

“Sure, Bill O’Reilly was forced out by Fox News, but I hear he was well-fed.”

Rage-monger, author (wink, wink) and huge Bill O’Reilly fan Bill O’Reilly has been forced from his cush 8 p.m. slot on Fox News. Damn bitches! Apparently women don’t like hostile middle-aged multimillionaires preying on them sexually (okay, Melania, not all women).

Give O’Reilly credit: in the hyper-competitive world of cable news, he had by far the most popular nightly program. If Stephen Colbert‘s alter-ego does not resurface tonight on CBS to lament/salute this epochal moment in cable news.

Meanwhile, if I were the Murdoch boys I’d check the batteries in my ghetto blaster and stand outside Megyn Kelly’s window blaring “Baby, Come Back!”

Meanwhile, count O’Reilly as the latest man to be given a public vote of confidence by Trump to lose his job.

2. The Clock Runs Out

Hernandez blew a kiss to his daughter just a few days ago in court….

Sometime over night Aaron Hernandez took his own life by tying a bed sheet around the bars of his jail cell window and hanging himself. An ignominious end for a tight end. Hernandez was acquitted of two murders just last week, but he had already been convicted of another and faced life without parole. He knew the score.

Hernandez did this on the eve of the New England Patriots’ trip to the White House. Coincidence? We’ll never know.

Aye @realDonaldTrump you seen this? I think you should demand the National Park Service release the “real” photos of today’s record crowd. pic.twitter.com/ad8lwBA8GX

— rebkah howard (@pink_funk) April 19, 2017

 (Tom didn’t show, either)

Legally, under an arcane and archaic Massachusetts law, the 27 year-old goes to eternity an innocent man. “Under the doctrine, known as ‘abatement ab initio,’ criminal convictions are essentially nullified if a person dies before they have a chance to complete the process of appealing it,” according to The New York Times.

Hernandez was an all-Pro who, teamed with Rob Gronkowski, had the potential to be the most devastating tight end duo in NFL history.

3. BEcca LONGo

Chandler, Arizona’s Basha High School is not even 10 years old (I don’t think), but the southeast Valley of the Sun school has already made history. Its kicker, Becca Longo, just became the first female to be offered a football scholarship. Longo, who converted 35 of 38 extra points this season, accepted a full ride to play at Division II Adams State in southwestern Colorado.

4. Harshing My Melo

So La La (that’s three notes!) is divorcing Carmelo, and not being nearly half as passive aggressive about it as Phil Jackson. Seems Anthony got a stripper pregnant and that young shorty is exercising her option to have the baby. Apparently the ball is not the only thing Carmelo holds on to too long.

5. Look! Frozen Water

The town of Ferryland, Newfoundland, is the place to spot YUUUUGE icebergs drifting south right now. They’re like massive massifs of ice. Residents have already spotted 600 large bergs this year, which is usually about the number they get for the whole season. Lots of high winds global warming climate change yada yada yada….

Music 101

They Can’t Take That Away From Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMBKYPb49l8

Written by George Gershwin in 1937 (and first sung by Fred Astaire in the film Shall We Dance), this song was re-recorded by literally dozens of world-class artists, among them Billie Holliday, Ella Fitzgerald and Ol’ Blue Eyes. Ring-a-ding-ding, baby!

Remote Patrol

Caps at Maple Leafs

7 p.m. NBC Sports Net

The Capitals were the best team in the NHL this season. They have the best player of the past decade, Alex Ovechkin. And they trail the Maple Leafs, who last won a Stanley Cup 50 years ago, 2 games to 1. Kind of a must-win tonight north of the border….

As my pop used to say, “The Invisible Man will not be seen tonight.” We’ll try to have something up for you later today. Duty calls.

—J.W.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Rabbit, Run…For Your Life!*

*The judges will also optimistically accept, “Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow?” and “Eggs? Yes. Travaganza? No.” and “Meh, What’s Up, Don?”

The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party met MAGA on the South Lawn of the White House on Monday. Festivities included a gathering that was much smaller than predicted, a president who told a reporter that North Korea “needs to behave…just like these kids,” a national anthem in which the First Lady needed to nudge her husband to put his hand to his heart, and a president who signed a kid’s hat and then carelessly threw it into the crowd.

The subtle nudge. pic.twitter.com/We2bY09ZM0

— Daniella Diaz (@DaniellaMicaela) April 17, 2017

If there’s a Guinness World Record for one person whom the most other people have encountered and said to themselves, “What an asshole,” Donald Trump is that record-holder.

2. The Yachter They Come

Meanwhile in the South Pacific, last Friday the following assemblage reportedly convened on record mogul David Geffen’s yacht: Bruce Springsteen and Patty Scialfa, Barack and Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, and Oprah Winfrey (and Steadman?). Does this mean that the Boss is officially a yacht rocker? And who forgot to invite Bono and Clooney?

That sounds like a cool group, but I think they needed an agitator. Someone to make it even more fun. I’d have invited David Spade along.

3. The Grizzlies are The Clippers and The Clippers Are The Grizzlies 

Jordan is going to have an even better career in the WWE.

The Memphis Grizzlies lost at San Antonio last night to go down 2-0 in their opening round series to the Spurs. Quick: Can you name the Grizzlies’ coach? It’s David Fizdale. Yeah, me neither.

Anyway, it occurred to me that the Grizzlies are the Los Angeles Clippers. This is a team that is very good but not great, that the NBA does very little to promote because their players come off as surly at best but definitely lacking in charisma (I don’t care how many Chris Paul or Blake Griffin ads I see on TV, they just don’t have “IT”), and that will soon be out of our lives because their cores are too old and they’ll never even sniff a Western Conference finals.

Vince Carter is 40 years old…and still dunking

So, enjoy them this last time around. Or, if you’re like me, don’t enjoy them. But these are two franchises that put together high-quality teams the past five years (eight 50-win seasons of a possible 10)but are going to need to scrap their foundation and rebuild if they want to advance any further. It’s over, kids. Move on.

4. Yankees Win…..Again!

Montgomery

George Constanza’s old employer won its 8th in a row last night and the NEW YORK YANKEES are 7-0 at the ballpark in the Bronx to being the season. They’re in the midst of their longest winning streak since 2012 and have done it entirely without their top two hitters of 2016, injured shortstop Didi Gregorius and injured catcher Filthy Sanchez.

What in the name of Suzyn Waldman Mr. Wilhelm is going on in the Bronx?

A) Pitching. The Yankees lead the majors in K/BB ratio (3.90) and, with the exception of the season opener in which Masahiro Tanaka was rocked, have gotten nothing but quality starts….and finishes. Keep an eye on 6’6″ rookie southpaw Jordan Montgomery, who pitched six shutout innings in getting his first career win last night. Middle reliever Adam Warren began the season by retiring the first 22 men he faced.

Judge could be leading a movement of the Yankees now retiring numbers from 99 down instead of 1 up….

B) Aaron Judge. Remember that impressive-looking dude wearing #99 who hit one out into dead center in his first Major League at-bat last August and then seemed to spend the rest of the summer striking out? Judge is seeing the ball better, and last night he hit his fourth home run in the past five games.

Chase Headley’s at bats don’t look like this in 2017….

C) Chase Headley. Really? Really. The insurance veteran 3rd baseman the Yankees acquired two summers ago as part of their keep-bailing-until-this-ship-stops-sinking project is batting .395 and is second in the AL in both batting average and OBP. I don’t expect it to keep up (his OBP is a nutty .509) but for now, it’s way better than expected.

D) Joe G. People don’t give skipper Joe Girardi enough credit, but what he’s fantastic at is, like the Italian-American former catcher named Joe whom he succeeded, is keeping an even keel. The Yankees don’t do stupid stuff and now that A-Rod is gone, there’s no more drama. Going back at least 20 years, this is the LEAST star-studded team the Yankees have opened the season with since 1995. Perhaps 1996. It’s refreshing.

Again, it’s early. But if they’re playing this well without Sanchez and Gregorius, well, they should keep it interesting all summer.

5. The Nigerian Prince!*

We think Stringer Bell is somehow tied up in all of this….

*The judges cannot take credit for this. We give dap to Cecil “For He’s a Jolly Good Follow”

All these years. All those emails and texts. And maybe there really was a Nigerian prince all along. So who sent him the $43 million.

The Prince! https://t.co/VEPWyNKm70

— Cecil Hurt (@CecilHurt) April 17, 2017

Music 101

One Story Town

I doubt many people think of Long After Dark as Tom Petty’s best album, but the first four songs are  “You Got Lucky,” “Deliver Me”, “Change of Heart” and this song. It leads off the 1983 album and if you want to accuse Tom Petty of possibly plagiarizing…Tom Petty on that opening riff, “I Need To Know” why you’d say that.

Remote Patrol

Jazz at Clippers, Game 2

10:30 p.m. TNT

I can’t explain why, but it’s always so much fun for me to watch the Clippers lose. And I really like Jamal Crawford and DeAndre Jordan. Anyway, the Jazz are breathing some fresh life into the Western Conference finals, a new team and new faces with which to contend. Kind of like those early ’00s Sacramento Kings.