Monthly Archives: March 2017

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Maye Madness*

*The judges acknowledge that this is almost too easy. They’d have accepted “Luke What You’ve Done!” and “Maye Daye! Maye Daye!”

Twenty-five years ago tomorrow, Christian Laettner of Duke buried a shot as time expired to sink Kentucky on a Sunday in the Elite Eight. Yesterday, different white dude, different Carolina team, and a less dramatic shot, but Luke Maye of North Carolina ended Kentucky’s run to the Final Four with an 18-footer with 00.3 on the clock.

Actually, the final sequence was more reminiscent of last year’s national championship game, except this time the Tar Heels played the role of Villanova. Kentucky’s Malik Monk hit a tough three-pointer (his second in the final :40) to tie the score at 73-73, then Carolina’s Theo Pinson dribbled down court and fed the ball to the trailer, Maye, who calmly buried the shot.

The '92 game was better, but Sunday's certainly was memorable, once the refs got out of the way

The ’92 game was better, but Sunday’s certainly was memorable, once the refs got out of the way

Maye, a 6’8″ sophomore from Huntersville, N.C., did not start but did finish with 17 points and geneticists claim that both of his parents had the clutch gene.

So the Final Four is set: two schools from the Carolinas, two from the Pacific Northwest, two No. 1 seeds, and two schools that have won it all as long as 1939 and as recently as 2009: North Carolina, South Carolina, Gonzaga, Oregon.

So am I gonna get paid, Jason?

2. “America Held Hostage” by Sean Hannity

In 1979, when the Americans were taken hostage at the U.S. embassy in Tehran, ABC’s Ted Koppel became the nation’s most trusted news man. Relatively unknown before the hostage crisis began, Koppel came on the air after local news each night to apprise the country of what was transpiring pertaining only to Iran. They named the show Nightline.

It’s still on today. If you want to credit Koppel and Nightline with being the progenitor of cable news, I’d go there, too. The thing about Koppel: he was serious, he was terse, he was objective, but he’d occasionally slip in a dose of his extremely dry sense of humor.

Fast forward 38 years, and here’s Fox News’ Sean Hannity interviewing Koppel, universally respected, and here’s Koppell telling Hannity, “I think you’re bad for America.”

(We know Hannity is bad for America.)

Each night the days since the hostages had been taken would flash on the screen. Occasionally you'll hear people my age saying something like,

Each night the days since the hostages had been taken would flash on the screen. Occasionally you’ll hear people my age saying something like, “Day 14 of the hostage crisis” as pertaining to any bad situation, and this is why

Worth noting; Ted Koppel was born in England in 1940 after his Jewish parents fled Germany to escape the Nazis. I’d think Koppel is even more sensitive than the average person to nationalism and bigotry, but hey, try telling Hannity that.

Notice, here, that Hannity interrupts the 77 year-old Koppel and the older newsman has to ask him to let him finish his sentence. Sad!

Here’s the money quote (in all caps, so nobody misses it): “YOU HAVE ATTRACTED PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT IDEOLOGY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FACTS.”

(I’d go further; he’s not “attracted” them so much as he’s promoted that concept)

3. Another Day of Trump (Day 67)

I don’t have a problem with the president playing golf on the weekend (okay, 13 rounds in 66 days may be excessive; who does he think he is, Mark Mulvoy?), but it tells you something about both him and Fox News that this tweet is sent out while elsewhere….

 

and…

It’s so easy. It’s so f****n’ easy!

 

 Meanwhile in Huntington Beach, it’s “Welcome To The O.C., Bitch!”

 

4. The Magnolia State Is Doing Great

The reigning College World Series champion is Coastal Carolina, which is located in Conway, South Carolina.

The reigning college football national champion is Clemson, which is located in Clemson, South Carolina.

And now the University of South Carolina becomes, as far as we can discern, the first school from the Magnolia State to even make the Final Four.

Has one state ever claimed national champions in baseball, football and basketball at the Division I level simultaneously? I’ll invite you to check, but the last time I spotted was 1972 (California), when USC won the national championship in baseball and football and UCLA won it in basketball.

5. To Nome Is To Love Him*

If their smartphones are like mine, the battery will go dead in about 3 minutes in that weather

If their smartphones are like mine, the battery will go dead in about 3 minutes in that weather

*The judges will also accept “Mitch Madness”

We’re way late on this, but 57 year-old Mitch Seavey won the Iditarod Sled Dog Race about 12 days ago, becoming the oldest winner in the race’s history while also finishing in record time. Seavey, who previously won the Iditarod in 2004 and 2013, broke the record of Dallas Seavey, a true son of a Mitch, who set it last year.

Mitch finished in 8 days, 3 hours and 40 minutes. The trail is nearly 1,000 miles.

Mitch and Dallas have now each won three Iditarod races. Mitch is the oldest person ever to win it, Dallas the youngest. Mitch’s dad—Dallas’ granddad— Dan competed in the inaugural Iditarod in 1973.

Music 101

Heavydirtysoul

I’ve had access to wheels the past few weeks, which means more radio listening, which means I’ve heard this December 2016 song by Twenty One Pilots quite a bit. In the age of YouTube, I don’t think it really matters how high a song charts (well, it may to the record company and artist) as opposed to how many times the song is downloaded. This tune has already been downloaded more than 21 MILLION times.

Remote Patrol

Women’s Elite Eight

Oregon vs. UConn

7 p.m. ESPN

Gabby Williams

Gabby Williams

Can the Ducks advance to the Final Four in both men’s and women’s hoops? Probably not, as the Fighting Genos have won 110 in a row, but why not tune in? Also, the Cavs are at the Spurs at 8 p.m. on the TNT. Tune in to see who rests!

Three And Out

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by Michael DePaoli

DONALD 

An original poem by Michael DePaoli, with props to William Blake

Donald, Donald, burning bright 

Grabs the pu**y in the night,

What immortal hand or Thigh, 

Could turn you into Russian spy? 

In what distant deeps or skies,

Burnt the fire of all your lies? 

From what swamp dare he aspire? 

I hope they tapped your Tower wire,

Your face looks like an orangutan fart,

Twisting the sinews of your black heart,

Many hearts will stop their beat, 

With the healthcare spending you deplete, 

Billions for a useless wall? Are you insane? 

In what furnace did you fry your brain? 

What the anvil? You discriminatory asp,

Unconstitutional is the power you grasp,

At the immigrants you throw your spears, 

You get turned on by poor people’s tears,

You have a fondness for golden shower pee.

Did he who made the Lamb make thee? 

Donald, Donald, burning bright, 

Grabs the pu**y in the night,

What immortal hand or Thigh, 

Could turn you into a Russian spy? 

(If you might like this poem, please buy my eBook: Read More Poetry. No, I do not care whether you might actually read it, just buy it, and often.)

ARE YOU HIGH? 

This is a real conversation with a twenty-something restaurant server in Scottsdale, Arizona:

MD: Why do you like Trump?

S: I just do. 

MD: Did you graduate college?

S: No.

MD: Do you smoke pot?

S: Yes. How did you know? 

MD: How often do you get high?

S: All the time. 

TRUMPCARE 

Trump held a press conference to blame the Democrats for the failure of Trumpcare to win approval in the House. The Trumpcare bill was pulled before a vote.

The real problem here is that Trump was elected under his promise that he would repeal Obamacare and replace the existing health care law with a new plan that would provide better health insurance that would cover everyone.

Trump lied. Trump was elected under false pretenses. Trump never had such new a plan.

The Trumpcare plan that the Republicans did champion (after years of complaining about Obamacare) was a terrible thing that would have eliminated health insurance for millions of Americans, and it would have caused higher premiums for less insurance.

Thank you, James Madison, the primary creator of our Constitution. Your system of government is still working for the people.

The Weakened Edition

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Fox On The Run? Sweet!

Kentucky freshman point guard De’Aaron Fox scored 39 points in the Wildcats’ win over UCLA in Memphis in the Sweet 16 last night. They’ve been letting freshman ball (as opposed to a a freshman, Ball) since 1972-73 in the NCAA tournament, and no frosh has ever scored more points in one game than than the quick, brown Fox. The 6’4″ point guard  from New Orleans with the Sideshow Bob ‘do is pure electricity. Is he a Top 5 draft pick now?

“Sit down girl, I think I love ya’ No, get up girl Show me what you can do!”

2. Speaking of Kentucky Guards Who Can Score…

I'm looking at this pic and thinking, Geez, Leandro Barbosa is back with the Suns?!? Dude owns a time machine.

I’m looking at this pic and thinking, Geez, Leandro Barbosa is back with the Suns?!? Dude owns a time machine.

The Phoenix Suns lost their seventh consecutive game last night, but they don’t really care because coach Earl Watson gave them something else on which to focus: getting second-year guard Devin Booker (whom MH mistakenly predicted would be an All-Star this season) a ton of points. Booker, 6’6″, scored 70 in the Suns’ 130-120 loss at Boston last night,

Booker, 20, played 45 minutes, put up 40 shots overall (the team as a whole hoisted 86) and 11 of the Suns’ 19 threes. He was 24 of 26 from the FT line and scored 28 points in the fourth quarter alone. Only five players have ever scored more points in a single game than Booker did last night—Wilt Chamberlain, Kobe Bryant, David Robinson, David Thompson and Elgin Baylor—and all except Thompson, the original “Sky Walker” whose career was cut short by injuries—are in the Hall of Fame. Booker becomes the only player since Kobe, who scored 81 in 2006, to hit the 70-mark in the past 22 years.

3. A Garden Variety Classic

Chiozza drains a teardrop 23-footer for the win

Chiozza drains a teardrop 23-footer for the win

It was a three-dud night in the Sweet 16 and looking to be an oh-fer in terms of captivating games when Florida went on a 16-3 run against Wisconsin midway through the second half at Madison Square Garden to open up a 12-point lead. Then Wiscy clawed back.

Memorable plays: 1) Zak Showalter‘s running three-pointers, followed by his Discount Double-Check move to Aaron Rodgers, who was seated nearby, to force OT,  2) In overtime, Baby Barry’s come-from-behind block on Khalil Iverson that kept Wiscy from opening up a four-point lead with :34 left, and 3) Chris Chiozza’s length-of-court drive ending with a running three-pointer buzzer beater as time expired. Best last five minutes or so of the tourney.

4. “Talk About…”

 

I don’t know his name yet, but this SI Kids reporter just asked, first word to last, as good a question as you’ll ever hear in a post-game setting. Kudos to South Carolina’s Frank Martin for acknowledging that.

An aside: When I was in my mid-twenties a kid in junior high begged to come to SI’s offices and hang out for a day to see how we did things. Our excellent Chief of Reporters, Bambi Wulf, set him up with Tim Crothers and myself. The kid’s name? Tyler Kepner. He now covers MLB for The New York Times.

5. TrumpCare Flatlines*

*Another Day Of Trump: Day 65

I don’t have the answers to health care. From a pure supply-and-demand standpoint, I kinda feel like we have a surplus of humanity anyway and I welcome the zombie apocalypse as long as there’s still good barbecue.

But from a pure political standpoint, what a glorious mess for the Trump administration. Obama had a lot of dudes on the Hill agains him in his first term, and he STILL got the ACA passed. Trump has now been in office 64 days, made two major offensives (outside of his weekend trips to Mar-A-Lago), the Muslim Ban and WealthCare, and has lost bigly on both of them.

This is not what “winning so much you’ll be sick of winning” looks like.

 

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five 

Walton was one of three leading scorers last night with the ball in his hands on a game-winning or tying possession at the end who was unable to close the deal.

Walton was one of three leading scorers last night with the ball in his hands on a game-winning or tying possession at the end who was unable to close the deal.

X’ed Men

In the final four minutes Xavier comes from eight down against Arizona and goes on a 12-2 run to end the game and win by two. We’ll have at least one Catholic school in the Final Four for the second straight year and we will have, for only the sixth time, a regional final between two schools who have never been to a Final Four:

 

 Three of Thursday’s four games came down to a game-winning or game-tying possession. Michigan’s Derrick Walton and Arizona’s Allonzo Trier missed potential game-winning threes while West Virginia’s Jevon Carter never got a chance to get his off.

Walton, Trier and Carter were their teams’ leading scorers last night.

2. Murray State

I don’t want to take credit for putting this together first: @SportsCenter noted that it’s been a fantastic sports year for American treasure Bill Murray. These are good times for Murray, Santori times.

 

Last November Murray’s beloved Chicago Cubs won the World Series and now his adopted college team, Xavier, is onto the Elite Eight (Murray’s son, Luke, is a Xavier assistant coach, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice). Can the Musketeers make it to the Final Four? Is this what the Dalai Lama meant when he told Carl Spackler that on his death bed he’d achieve total consciousness? Is Xavier baby-stepping on the road to the Final Four?

3. Phoenix Sons 

At the age of 23, Len was the Suns' oldest starter

At the age of 23, Len was the Suns’ oldest starter

The Suns lost their sixth in a row last night (keeping pace with the Lakers, who have also lost six straight) by falling 126-98 to the NBA’s worst team, the Boo-klynettes. But that isn’t why anyone will remember this game. What made that game historic was the Suns’ starting five:

Marquese Chriss: 19

Derrick Jones, Jr.: 20

Alex Len: 23

Devin Booker: 20

Tyler Ulis: 21

The Suns put the youngest starting five in NBA history on the floor, according to Elias Sports Bureau. That’s funny, since the team’s namesake is the oldest piece of known matter in the galaxy. 60% of the starting five isn’t old enough to drink. Also, the Suns lost by 28 to the worst team in the league, so there’s that.

4. High Nunes

Nunez appears to be the latest link in the Circle of Scum

Nunez appears to be the latest link in the Circle of Scum

*Another Day of Trump (Day 64)

*The judges will also accept “The Devin Made Me Do It” 

The newest member of The Worst Wing (All Trumps except Melania and possibly Barron; Steve Bannon; Sean Spicer; Kellyanne Conway; Mitch McConnell; Reince Priebus; Stephen Miller: Paul Ryan; Jeff Sessions; Rex “My Wife Made Me Do It” Tillerson; Paul Manafort; and of course, Vladimir Putin) is California Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Reprobate).

 

Nunes, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee investigating alleged ties between the Trump team and Russia, apologized yesterday (!) for taking information that he supposedly has acquired about the investigation to the White House and informing them about it. “Is that bad?”

 

Then Nunes refused to say if other information he has received that is exculpatory came directly from the White House itself and also suddenly became very protective about anonymous sources. “We want people to come forward,” Nunes said without a trace of irony, because that’s how this administration works.

Meanwhile, last night I caught the end of the original, 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You can FF to about 1:50 and tell me if you’ve seen a better illustration in film of those of us who’ve been warning against Trump for nearly two years:

5. It’s A Bluth White House

America gets a glimpse of Donald's

America gets a glimpse of Donald’s “O” face….

Major props to Dan Diamond, or @ddiamond, of Politico who some time while you and I were sleeping sussed out that the entire Trump administration is that episode of Arrested Development titled “The One Where They Build a House.”

 

I won’t reproduce all of Diamond’s tweets here, but the one above launches a 10-tweet storm that eerily and hilariously ties the Bluths to the Trumps and maybe, just maybe, as one @ reply suggested, G.O.B was always meant to represent GOP. Go find his feed from about 12 hours ago (just after 11 p.m. East Coast time) and read the tweets. It’s sad, hilarious and eerie.

Look, America, it's the megalomaniacal, delusional son of a shady real-estate developer!

Look, America, it’s the megalomaniacal, delusional son of a shady real-estate developer!

Even if Trump bankrupts America, financially, ethically and physically, remember, there’s money in that banana stand.

Music 101

Eight Miles High

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoSwOrytf_M

Few bands epitomized the mid-Sixties counterculture sound better than The Byrds, and this 1966 song is considered to be the genesis of psychedelic rock. It was banned by many stations because of connotations to drug use (note the title), which may be why, although it is a timeless classic, it never reached Top 10 on the charts.

Remote Patrol

Night of Classics

The Godfather

7 p.m. AMC

The Wizard of Oz

8 p.m. TCM

East Regional 

North Carolina-Butler followed by Kentucky-UCLA

7 p.m. CBS

“Now who’s being naive, Kate?” If for some ungodly reason, you’ve never seen The Godfather, correct that tonight. It may be the best American film. Period. Then you can tune in to see the two schools that have won more national championships (19 combined) than anyone else, the Wildcats and Bruins. Good stuff.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Flag-waving Trump supporters can take pride in a pitcher descended from slaves leading the USA to the championship (as Ben Carson reminds us that slaves are immigrants, too).

Flag-waving Trump supporters can take pride in a pitcher descended from slaves leading the USA to the championship (as Ben Carson reminds us that slaves are immigrants, too).

Stroman Argument

For the first time in four tries, the U.S.A. won the World Baseball Classic last night, delivering an 8-0 silencing of Puerto Rico (take that, Bernardo!). Starter Marcus Stroman who stands just 5’8″, gave up just one hit in six-plus innings in Dodger Stadium and Ian Kinsler started things off with a two-run homer. It was Puerto Rico’s first loss in the tournament (they’d beaten the Americans in pool play) in eight games.

Does this bode well for the Yankees’ season?

2. London, New York Attacks 

A fanatic, a car and three innocent victims in London yesterday. The 52 year-old drove his car along Westminster Bridge, striking pedestrians (one of them a man from Utah, Kurt Cochran, who was visiting with his wife to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary), then got out and fatally stabbed an unarmed policeman. He was later shot dead.

Caughman, right, meeting Wyclef Jean

Caughman, right, meeting Wyclef Jean

Meanwhile in New York City, a 28 year-old white supremacist took a bus from Maryland to New York, and probably only wandered a block or two before fatally stabbing 66 year-old Timothy Caughman specifically because he was black. The murderer was apprehended and here’s hoping he’s put in the general population at Riker’s Island for a month.

 

This morning President Trump tweeted his condolences to one of the two families. You couldn’t have it illustrated more clearly what he and his administration are all about.

3. Another Day Of Trump (Day 63)*

*I’d been toying with the idea of making ‘Another Day of Trump’ a daily item, and then Susie B’s imploring made it a done deal. Here’s hoping we won’t have to take this into the triple digits. P.S. It’s too exhausting to document everything vile Trump and his minions do each day, so pardon me if I just cherry pick on that.

In an interview with Time magazine out today, President Trump runs through every conceivable excuse as to why his lies are fine, even using this reason as his bottom line: “I can’t be doing so badly because I’m president, and you’re not. You know?”

We know.

4. You Go, Norway! (And I’ll Go Mine)

This is what Norwegians consider

This is what Norwegians consider “urban blight”

A recent report by the United Nations ranked Norway number one in terms of happiness. So that makes the Scandinavian nation the happiest place on earth, no? Sorry, Walt.

Having visited Norway and spent more than a week there, I get it. Beautiful scenery, even more beautiful people, and all the lutefisk you can devour. Although the stat geeks may take issue with its Strength of Schedule. Denmark is now No. 2. Basically, if you don’t visit Scandinavia at least once in your life, you’re doing it all wrong.

5. Ruminations on Janet Leigh, Robert Mitchum

Janet Leigh and an otherwise 100% vacant motel in the desert: What could possibly go right?

Janet Leigh and an otherwise 100% vacant motel in the desert: What could possibly go right?

I’ve nearly overdosed on TCM this week and here are two observations (with apologies to all you serious connoisseurs of cinema out there):

A) In her two most famous films, Touch of Evil and Psycho, lovely Janet Leigh finds herself imperiled in an off-the-beaten-path motel in the American southwest that is 100% vacant when she arrives. The films were made just two years apart, and each time Leigh confronts a creepy innkeeper (Dennis Weaver and later Tony Perkins). In the first film Leigh is drugged (heroin, reefer) but survives while in the second, well, you can take a stab at what befalls her.

Mitchum agrees to a strip search before Martin Balsam and Gregory Peck. He's been lifting.

Mitchum agrees to a strip search before Martin Balsam and Gregory Peck. He’s been lifting.

B) In two of his more notorious roles, in the films Night Of The Hunter and Touch Of Evil, Robert Mitchum plays a savage and cunning murderer who pursues children along a river. For the record, those tributaries appear to be the Ohio river and the Cape Fear river.

The Birds: Tippi was trippy

The Birds: Tippi was trippy

C) One more thing: Watching Psycho and The Birds in the same week informs you that Alfred Hitchcock had a thing about overbearing mothers of adult men who find insanely attractive blondes showing up on their doorstep. At least Jessica Tandy’s character was alive.

p.s. If anyone at TCM reads this and is still looking for someone to fill the void left by Robert Osborne‘s recent passing, well, I could never fill his shoes, but I’m more than happy to do a few stand-up intros for you.

 

Music 101

Same Drugs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKbEsG5XoO0

At the risk of sounding like the middle-aged white guy I am, I LOVED this performance by Chance The Rapper on the SNL recently because I was expecting a rapper (you know, the name) and what I got instead was the reincarnation of Stevie Wonder. I knew nothing about his music—I’d heard the name—but Mr. The Rapper blew me away with his talent. This song and performance would have fit just as seamlessly on the first season of SNL in 1975 as it did last month.

There’s a sweetness to Chance, who’s only 23 and will be one of the headliners at Lollapalooza this August in his native Chicago.  Consider me a fan.

Remote Patrol

Sweet 16 Games

7 p.m. CBS

Michigan-Oregon followed by Kansas-Purdue

7:30 p.m. TBS 

Gonzaga-West Virginia followed by Arizona-Xavier

Caleb Swanigan, Human Sweatbomb

Caleb Swanigan, Human Sweatbomb

We’ve ridden the Wolverines this far, we’re not abandoning Project Runway tonight. One of the other higher seeds will lose tonight and if I had to pick (and I don’t, but I will), I’d say it will be Gonzaga.