THREE AND OUT

By Michael DePaoli

It's like a coup d'etat inside-job....

It’s like a coup d’etat inside-job….

1. TRUMP POLICIES TAKING SHAPE

With Donald Trump flip-flopping on just about every issue during the campaign, it has been difficult to know what he would really do as President, but finally his policies are being revealed:

DRAIN THE SWAMP: Yeah, right!

ETHICS: None.

CONFLICTS OF INTEREST: There will be no conflict with a country in which Trump has business interests.

ISIS: Trump’s plan is to allow Russia to solve this problem, because he wants to allow Russia to spread its influence.

MIDDLE EAST PEACE: There will be no peace until Trump’s crusade against the Muslims can run its course.

JOBS: You will be fired from your job at the Justice Department if you might be honest and want to obey the law.

HEALTH CARE: Trump does not care.

PACIFIC TRADE: Trump wants to allow China to control the entire Pacific region.

EUROPEAN UNION: Trump is opposed to something that works well, and therefore he must destroy the Union that has created the longest reign of peace on the European Continent.

CROWD SIZE: Trump is willing to lie about something completely insignificant, like crowd size. This means that he is more than willing to lie about anything, anytime, anywhere.

GOVERNMENT DEBT: Add it up, keep spending,

LOWERING TAXES TO FULFILL HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISES: Not really a top priority right now, especially since we now know that Mexico is not going to pay for that stupid wall.

THE CONSTITUTION: Trump never read it.

MEGALOMANIA: Yes.  (Ed. Note: Melaniamania: No.)

UNITING THE COUNTRY: No.

2. ESTABLISHMENT CLAUSE 

It's as if Trump and Bannon are on a crusade

It’s as if Trump and Bannon are on a crusade

The United States Supreme Court in the 1947 Everson case explained the prohibitions of our government on the issue of religion:

“The ‘establishment of religion’ clause of the First Amendment means at least this: neither a state nor the Federal Government can set up a church. Neither can pass laws which aid one religion, aid all religions, or prefer one religion over another. Neither can force nor influence a person to go to or to remain away from church against his will or force him to profess a belief or disbelief in any religion. No person can be punished for entertaining or professing religious beliefs or disbeliefs, for church attendance or non-attendance. No tax in any amount, large or small, can be levied to support any religious activities or institutions, whatever they may be called, or whatever form they may adopt to teach or practice religion. Neither a state nor the Federal Government can, openly or secretly, participate in the affairs of any religious organizations or groups, and vice versa. In the words of Jefferson, the clause against establishment of religion by law was intended to erect “a wall of separation between church and State.” 

Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1, citing, Reynolds v. United States, supra, at 98 U.S. 164. (You can read the entire opinion on the Justia website.)

The Executive Order on Immigration violated the Establishment Clause in many ways, but the two most important violations are these: (1) There was a clear intent (Trump admitted as such) to prefer and benefit the minority Christians in the Muslim nations; (2) It punishes people for being Muslim in a Muslim country, which is another way of saying that the Executive Order intentionally targeted Muslims (Trump’s campaign promises confirm his intent to target Muslims).

To the extent that existing law will be followed by the Courts, the Executive Order on Immigration is unconstitutional.

3. GREATEST QUARTERBACKS OF ALL TIME 

Johnny Unitas: Not on the list

Johnny Unitas: Not on the list

TOM BRADY

PEYTON MANNING

ELI MANNING

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

RUSSELL WILSON

AARON RODGERS

JOE FLACCO

DREW BREES

WARREN MOON

Please note, this is not a Hall of Fame list. This is a list of the best. Dak Prescott, Tony Romo and Matt Ryan did not even make this list. Ok, go ahead, leave a comment, and explain why Brett Favre and Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas should have been included. And then, please think about what you would really (really really) do if you were the owner of a team and you had to spend one hundred million dollars and you had to draft the quarterback and you wanted the “best” for your team. And, please do not do that sophomoric thing where you quote stats, because the question of the best quarterback must be fairly phrased: If both players were on the same team with the same offensive weapons and the same line, which one would perform better, and which one would be more likely to get the ball into the hands of the receivers?

Please, no ad hominem attacks. I have heard enough lawyer jokes this year, already. My methodology for this list: I went back to 1998, and the hapless Arizona Cardinals, the year they actually won a playoff game for the first time since 1947, and I asked myself how all the other great quarterbacks would do on that same team, and whether they would survive the season.

(Ed. Note: I’d put Roger Staubach, Montana, Fran Tarkenton, Ken Stabler and Kurt Warner on that list. Also, I don’t know if this is an ad hominem attack, but “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! I fart in your general direction!“)

Michael DePaoli accurately predicted “golden showers” in his NSFW ebook: LOKI TRUMPET, which is a completely fictional story (that does not in any way depict actual people) wherein a wealthy man runs for President of the USA.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Small Potatoes

As we head into Day 13: America Held Hostage, here’s a reminder (from Jeff Pearlman and others) that Donald Trump destroyed the USFL in much the same way he’s currently harming the United States. All the moves are similar.

The video above is from the very first ESPN 30-for-30, and the title was taken from a dismissive quote Trump gave director/producer Mike Tollin.

I encourage you to read Jeff’s blog entry from yesterday. Jeff is working on a book about the USFL, the late, great American spring football league. Also, read this letter that Jeff unearthed….

2. It’s Another Day of Trump

(Can we lease this tune from La La Land, have Angela Parrish re-record the song with those lyrics, and use it as an intro to all Trump reporting?).

It’s too exhausting to cover Donald Trump extensively day in and day out. That’s part of their program. So here’s some quick hitters:

David Brooks in “the failing” New York Times on the Faustian bargain GOP leaders followers have made with Donald Trump…

–More than 1,000 State Department officials worldwide have signed a letter of dissent concerning Trump’s ban-not-a-ban on citizens from the seven predominantly Muslim nations. Go, State!

Yates. You know Trump hated to fire a woman who looked this good

Yates. You know Trump hated to fire a woman who looked this good

–Out as attorney general: Sally Yates, who was heroic. In as Supreme Court nominee: Neil Gorsuch, who has an impressive resume. By the way, when did high-ranking legal minds become so middle-age attractive? We’ve come a long ways since Anton Scalia.

For fans of comedy, check this out:

 

Jon Stewart appears on The Late Show, predicting future Trumpian fiats and pointing out that inadvertently “45” is making America great again by inciting activism by his millions of detractors.

Sean Spicer keeps repeating that it “is not a ban” even though his boss tweeted that it’s a ban. NBC’s Kristin Welker: “The president himself called it a ban. Is he confused or are you confused?” Reminder: This is NOT a Coen brothers film. It’s real life.

–This is what Fake News looks like. Consider who tweeted it. This is why we’ve been calling them Faux News for so long. The suspect was actually a white French-Canadian. Fox only apologized after Canadian PM insisted they do so:

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3. Ollie, Ollie, All Come Free!

Go, Ollie, go!

Go, Ollie, go!

Have you seen this bobcat? This is Ollie. He went missing from the National Zoo a couple of days ago, although he’s reportedly been spotted this morning not far from the facility. Also spotted? The zoo’s leopard, though he’s not missing.

I’m rooting for Ollie to remain on the lam, because freedom trumps security, even if it poses a little more danger. Maybe Ollie is simply trying to send America a message. Where is the National Zoo located again? That’s correct: Washington, D.C.

By the way, the zoo insists that Ollie, 25 pounds, poses no danger to humans but 13 schools near the zoo have canceled recess in the wake of his escape, because America may have one bobcat on the loose, but we are a nation full of ‘fraidy cats (and overly litigious individuals).

4. Here Comes Isaiah

Isaiah is headed to Athens

Isaiah is headed to Athens

Only one school in Rivals’, Scout’s and ESPN’s top seven recruiting rankings has not played for or won a national championship in the past 20 years. That institution? Georgia, which is ranked third in two of the services’ rankings and second in the other’s. Kirby Smart is doing work in Athens in his second season.

The above gargantuan is 6’8″, 354-pound five-star offensive lineman Isaiah Wilson of Brooklyn Poly Prep. He’s the Dawgs’ top recruit.

Walker Little at Houston Episcopal. Well, that doesn't seem fair....

Walker Little at Houston Episcopal. Well, that doesn’t seem fair….

If you are an Irish fan, it should concern you some that Stanford nabbed not one but two offensive lineman rated higher than Wilson: 6’6″, 315-pound Foster Sarell out of Seattle is the No. 14 player on Rivals’ list while 6’8″, 305-pound Walker Little out of Houston is their No. 7 stud (maybe Christian McCaffrey left too early?). Little was a high school teammate of defensive tackle Marvin Wilson, Rivals’ No. 2 overall player who as of this morning had yet to commit (but the guess here is LSU).

Above, that’s Joe Spivak of Montini Catholic in suburban Chicago. He has chosen to walk on at Northwestern. He’s a future pie-eating contest All-American.

 

5. Apple Soars

Tim Cook: coastal elite. Give us more.

Tim Cook: coastal elite. Give us more.

Tech, and the iPhone, isn’t dead yet.

Apple, the greatest thing that gets regularly maligned that isn’t LeBron James, announced its quarterly earnings report after the bell yesterday. The Cupertino, Calif., based  company, which was founded by the son of a Syrian refugee and oh, just happens to have the largest market cap of any company on the planet, reported a record quarter in revenue ($78.4 billion). It’s the first better-than-expected quarter for Apple since last January, when Tim Cook’s company posted a then-record-quarter of $75.9 billion.

Apple’s stock is up nearly 5%, from $121 to $127 in pre-market. It’s not at an all-time high, but it’s getting closer.

Coming later this week: Facebook will announce earnings after the bell today and Amazon will do so after the bell tomorrow.

Music 101

On A Carousel

Why did Graham Nash, singing lead here, leave The Hollies? I’m asking, I don’t know.  Granted, his next band (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) did okay. This English band was like the turn-of-the-century Lakers: as great as they were, just imagine how much more they would have done had they kept Kobe and Shaq (hey, that’s Shaq and Kobe) together.  In this case, Nash, Alan Clarke and Tony Hicks.

The song was released in February of 1967 and reached No. 11 on the Billboard charts, but greater than that, it may have inspired one of Don Draper’s greatest ad pitches, if not his very best. Riding along on a carousel/Trying to get back to you….

Remote Patrol

All About Eve

TCM 8 p.m.

It’s the best month of the year—Oscar month—for TCM and they’re kicking it off with the only film besides Titanic and now La La Land to garner 14 Oscar nominations. It won for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor as well as four others. If you’ve never seen Bette Davis, this is your must-see viewing. Also, a very early-in-her-career Marilyn Monroe gets a scene or two. Trust me, millennials, you’ll love this.