by John Walters

Starting Five

The Bully’s Pulpit

My favorite Larry David line from his stand up: “I”ll give Hitler this: he didn’t take sh*t from magicians.”

It’s a line so absurd that it’s funny.

If Chicago doesn’t fix the horrible “carnage” going on, 228 shootings in 2017 with 42 killings (up 24% from 2016), I will send in the Feds!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 25, 2017

In the past 24 hours the White House…..ordered the EPA to take down its climate change page; announced that it is building The Wall, but that Chris Hardwick will not host (related: I’d like to host Talking Wall right after that NBC show each week; can we do that?); doubled down on its accusation that 3 to 5 million people illegally voted, which is the equivalent of the entire city of Chicago illegally voting, but would not in the near future be investigating this (didn’t you love how the White House press corps attacked Sean Spicer by pretending that this was a legitimate claim and asking him why they weren’t investigating it);

Let the broken hearts stand as the price you gotta pay

put a hobnail boot in the face of whatever rogue Badlands National Park employee decided to tweet facts about science, threatened the actual city of Chicago that if they didn’t stop killing one another, he was going to turn this car around right now and there’ll be no Dave and Buster’s, and even forced Spicer to upgrade his wardrobe.

2. Marq Madness

In Milwaukee, no can of Stroh’s was safe last night

@jdubs88 it’s dickfriedman24’s First Law of College Hoops: it’s not an upset if the home team wins the game.

— DickFriedman24 (@DickFriedman24) January 25, 2017

…is, “It’s not an upset of the home team wins the game.” That’s courtesy of my wonderful former editor at Sports Illustrated, a Harvard alum and a true mensch, Dick  Friedman. So last night for the first time in just shy of 38 years (1-27-79), the Nos. 1, 2 and 4 teams in the country lost. Specifically, No.1 Villanova fell at Marquette, No. 2 Kansas went down at West Virginia, and No. 4 Kentucky, to everyone’s glee, lost at Tennessee.

But there were no upsets.

Last time #1,2,4 all lost same day in college hoops was 1-27-79. The loss by #2 that day was a 66-61 Clemson win over #2 UNC and D. Smith.

— Tim Bourret (@TimBourret) January 25, 2017

When this happened in 1979, it was No. 1 Notre Dame who lost (by 1 at Maryland) while No. 2 North Carolina fell at Clemson (don’t know who No. 4 was). Also, how long ago was this? Magic and Larry were in their final year of college ball.

3. Love-30s

Serena is two wins away from a record-23rd Grand Slam singles title

The Australian Open couldn’t be more Thirtysomething if Gary rode his bike up to Hope and Michael’s home and snatched a piece of fruit off the dining room table. Three of the four women’s semifinalists are in their fourth decade: Venus Williams is 36, Serena Williams is 35, and Germany’s Mirjana Lucic-Baroni is 34. The fourth semi-finalist Coco-Ohno Vandeweghe of the USA, who’ll play Venus, is the kid at 25.

The blonde woman is married to the dark-haired dude in real life.

In the men’s draw, it’s almost the same. Roger Federer is 35, Stan Wawrinka is 31, Rafael Nadal is 30 and Nadal’s semifinal foe, Grigor Dimitrov, is 25.

That’s six thirty somethings, three in each draw, and a pair of 25 year-olds. What in the name of Nick Bolletieri is going on here? Where are all the kids? Sure, these are a couple of the greatest names in tennis history (Federer can extend his record for Grand Slams to 18 while Serena can finally break that 22 GS titles tie with Graf), but this is extreme. Where is the future of tennis? They must all be playing pickle ball, if they’re playing anything.

4. Dow 20K

CNBC’s Andrew Ross Sorkin, the adult in the room from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m.

“Finally, it has happened to me right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it”

After a month or so of serious flirtation, the Dow Jones Industrial Average (the DJIA) appears poised to break through the 20,000 mark for the first time ever (by the way, why do they call it an “average” when isn’t it the sum total of all 30 companies’ stock prices?). Remember a few weeks ago when the Dow came within one point of 20,000, got us all hot and bothered, and then left investors so….incredibly…unsatisfied?

The tease is over. It looks as if it’ll crack 20,000 this morning. Related: Alphabet, the second-largest market cap stock reports after the bell tomorrow, and Amazon, the fifth-largest market cap stock, reports on February 2nd.

We may have elected a totalitarian dictator, but who cares when our pockets are so full (right, Newt?)?

5. “I’m a Rageaholic! I Just Can’t Live Without Rageahol!”

Live shot from inside the White House…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKRn2nEw7rY

Just another way that The Simpsons predicted the Trump presidency. Forsooth, as your humble scribe predicted, Donald J. flew into a rage on Saturday afternoon after returning from Langley, turning on the flat-screen, and seeing all the marches happening worldwide. Thus reports Ashley Parker of The Washington Post (and WHO are those White House sources speaking/leaking to her? Wow!).

This morning, Trump was so enraged at the media trolling Sean Spicer about Trump and alleged voter fraud (“That’s what he believes”) that he tweeted out that he will be launching “a major investigation” (Is this like “a major award” from A Christmas Story?) into voter fraud.

I will be asking for a major investigation into VOTER FRAUD, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal and….

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 25, 2017

To which we can only reply:

Can we all just make it to Groundhog Day intact? And what’s the over/under until Spicer saves his soul (Kellyanne already sold hers) and resigns? I’ll put the date at St. Patrick’s Day.

Music 101

Forgotten Years

I saw Midnight Oil play a small venue near Times Square in 1990 or 1991 and I think I lost three pounds just watching 6’6″ lead singer Peter Garrett perform. If you had the chance to see this Australian band play live, you probably haven’t forgotten it. This was the second single, after the title track, off Blue Sky Mining, to go to No. 1 on the U.S. Modern Rock list (there was not an official Dinosaur Rock list, though there might have been).

Remote Patrol

President Trump: The First Interview

ABC 10 p.m.

Very handsome David Muir interviews the man with the incredibly changing hair color. If that doesn’t float your boat, the Aussie Open women’s semis begin at 10:30 p.m. on the ESPN and at 11 p.m., UCLA visit USC. Lonzo Ball is fun to watch. He’s like a disciplined Malik Monk. Take a nap early this evening.

by Michael DePaoli

(Michael DePaoli is a bored, certified attorney in both Arizona and California—that latter BAR exam ain’t easy, pardner– and the author of the eBook: Movie Theatre Therapy; and he is the creator of the Youtube videos: Tachistoscope, and Tachistoscope Sunsets)

1. WORLD LEADERSHIP

Did Borat support Trump? “Verrrrry nice!”

ASTANA, KAZAKHSTAN

Over the last two days in this city in the central Asian city, Turkey (where Donald Trump has an interest in a large office/hotel/retail complex), and Russia (a country that for some reason or another has a fascinating hold over Trump), along with Iran and select Syrian rebel groups, held a meeting to discuss peace. It appears that a flimsy ceasefire agreement might have been forged. Of course, Trump and the bulk of the media and most of the USA were all too overly concerned about the size of Trump’s crowd to notice that in the Trump Kingdom the words “America First” really mean that we are going to allow Russia and Turkey to have more power and more influence over an extremely unstable part of the World.

2. Oscars: Out of Reacher

The Academy Award Nominations were announced this morning. It appears that once again the Members of the Academy have snubbed Tom Cruise. I mean, come on, if the award might be about “acting” then Cruise should win it every single year he makes a movie. Wait, just hear me out, because if the press reports and interviews could be believed, then Tom Cruise (his stage name) is nothing more than a confused, dorky, drama-geek type of loser kid who had an abusive father and who attended fifteen schools in fourteen years. Seriously, if people just read the Wikipedia article on Cruise they might stop hating on him. So, the reality is that Tom Cruise is a messed up human being, just like the rest of us. But, on screen, he plays the consummate and studly cool guy. His performance in Jack Reacher: Never Go Back was stunning, because he was acting, because that is not who he is in real life. If the Best Actor award were based upon the creation of a fictional persona (i.e. acting), then Tom Cruise should be the winner, every year, because that is what he does, with style.

Anyway, aside from that, my prediction is that someday the Academy Award Nominations will be gender neutral, and when that happens you will see ten women be nominated and zero men be nominated for best actor.

3. MELANIA: LONG FORM IMMIGRATION DOCUMENTS 

Melania puts new emphasis on the term “better half”

I have nothing against Melania. She is gorgeous and personable and wonderful. Indeed, she has the appearance of a highly-trained and lethal KGB spy handler who has been assigned the impossible task of protecting an orangutan. The problem is that I believe in justice and fairness, and I believe that justice and fairness need to trickle down from the top. So, to the extent that Trump really wants to deport millions of people and rip apart families for illegal immigration, he should start with his own family and expose the truth about Melania by releasing her long form immigration documents. I have no idea what “long form” documents might mean in the immigration arena, but I want them released, just because that is what Trump demanded from Obama.

Seriously, Melania was born in a communist country and she is married to a communist sympathizer, so we should really get to the bottom of her immigration by looking at all her documents. To the extent that Trump (the communist sympathizer) does not want Melania to release all her documents about her past, then he should seriously shut up about all other illegal immigrants. Indeed, it is downright disgusting that in a capitalist culture we would want to arrest the people who want nothing more than to work hard and earn a wage.

And, where is Ann Coulter in all of this? I am calling her out, because I remember one of her books where she made such a big deal about communism and spies and the corruption of America, blah, blah. Ms. Coulter is not protecting us from Comrade Trump. Where is she when we need her?

by John Walters

Starting Five

 Creating a Fuhrer

Donald Trump at his inauguration and Adolf Hitler just being Hitler….

After just one weekend, there was one very outspoken critic who said:

“In times of crisis, we lack judgment, and that is a constant reference for me. The most obvious example of European populism is Germany in 1933. After the crisis of 1930, Germany is broken, it needs to get up, to find its identity, a leader, someone capable of restoring its character, and there is a young man named Adolf Hitler. Hitler didn’t steal the power, his people voted for him, and then he destroyed his people.”

See? Just keep the palm open and people don’t freak out as much

The critic, of course, was Pope Francis. But then he doesn’t have to deal with Obamacare, unemployment or, not to my knowledge, Planned Parenthood in his sovereign area.

Team of Cronies (from back): Conway, Kushner, Bannon and Priebus.

This is terrific reporting from Ashley Parker of The Washington Post on the opening weekend of the Trump presidency. Give that one a read.

Dig, I don’t mean to sound like a Thompson Twins song, but there are so many lies, lies, lies that you being to wonder if it’s no particular prevarication (crowd size), we should be concerned about, but the overwhelming totality of it. It’s like traveling in the NBA. Twenty-five years ago, the travel below was considered egregious. Now, I see Carmelo Anthony do that every night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yibQYwITuqA

2. Or, Well, You Could Just Ignore What Is Happening

By George, I think he nailed it.

Until Betsy DeVos bans 1984 (not the Van Halen album, but maybe she’ll ban that, too) from being taught in public schools, I thought I’d share these Orwellian quotes with you followed by some timely hashtags.

“Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship.” #WeveStartedAMovement

Turned 43 yesterday, and I have to keep your attention somehow

“For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works?” #AlternativeFacts

“Ignorance is strength.” #ILoveThePoorlyEducated

“Our intention is never to lie to you”

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” #IFeelThirtyThirty-FiveThirty-Nine

“Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.” #LockHerUpIHaveALotOfRespectForThosePeople

Trump will invite the SI swimsuit team to the White House in February. “But Mr. President, they haven’t won anything.”

“The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better.” #ImGoingToKeepYouSafe

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever.” #AmericaFirst

3. Cold Opens

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V9frwOZYcA

If you have not seen the GIF of Melania at the inauguration, well, is it too late for her to get a Best Supporting Actress nod at the Oscars nominations this morning? Hit that link, watch it, then watch Saturday Night Live’s cold open and tell me if you don’t notice a pattern…

pic.twitter.com/IDrGPkJQSl

— Marv (@Marv_Vien) January 23, 2017

4. The Incredible Shrinking Wide Receiver

Hogan is two inches shorter as an NFL wide receiver than he was as a Penn State lax man

This is a marvelous stat: In the NFC championship game, Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones had nine catches for 180 yards and two touchdowns. In the AFC championship game, New England Patriots wide receiver Chris Hogan also had nine catches for 180 yards and two touchdowns.

Jones, who is 27, was the sixth overall pick of the 2011 NFL draft. Hogan, who is 28, was not drafted. Jones caught 179 passes at the University of Alabama and won a national championship with the Crimson Tide. Hogan played three full seasons of lacrosse at Penn State and scored 54 goals. Hogan had one year of eligibility remaining (an injury had sidelined him), so he played one year of football at Monmouth, catching 12 passes and also getting three interceptions on defense.

Welker, Woodhead, Amendola, Edelman and now Hogan (and at 6’0″ is, he’s the tallest of them)

So, yes, that Chris Hogan now catches passes from Tom Brady after being a college lax player is a remarkable tale. What’s more strange is that at Penn State Hogan, a Wyckoff, N.J., native was listed at 6’3″. Now the Pats list him at 6’1″ (having interviewed him, I’d put him at 6’0″).

One last Hogan note I love: As a sophomore at Ramapo High, he was moved up to varsity for the state championship game. He caught passes of 85 and 70 yards, scoring once, as the Raiders beat DeMarest. In the crowd that night at Giants Stadium was Phil Simms, whose kids Hogan knew. At Gillette Stadium Sunday night, calling the game for CBS, was once again Phil Simms.

5. Roman Holiday*

‘WE’RE VISITING THE SPANISH STEPS, THEN THE TREVI FOUNTAIN, AND ONLY THEN THE VATICAN MUSEUM! AND THAT’S THE WAY IT’S GONNA GO!”

Last week the NCCA’s Power 5 conference commissioners voted 58-22 to prohibit teams from practicing off-campus during a vacation period outside of the “championship season” (that term is used to obviate bowl practice). But the so-called “Harbaugh Rule” does not begin until August.

This is where the kicking specialists will practice

So this April, after winter semester in Ann Arbor, the Michigan Wolverines are headed to Rome for three practices. Good for them: Rome is the greatest city in the world and if 100 or so young men get exposed to it even for a week, all the better. As my Twitter friend Cecil Hurt reminded all, they should probably visit the Vatican, where there have been EIGHT Pope Urbans but not a single Pope James.

*The judges will also accept “La Dolce Harbaugh”

If Cary Grant Gregory Peck can do it, why not Jim Harbaugh?

Reserves

Almost too much to unpack…

pic.twitter.com/cCOZ81Xmw7

— John Bolton (@AmbJohnBolton) January 22, 2017

Yes, this is code for nationalism, and the consistent messaging of “Put America First” is sinister. There’s nothing wrong with believing in your country. There is something wrong with treating the community of nations as if it’s the SEC West. You say “Put American First often enough and it starts to be implied, “And the hell with everyone else.” Again, is that what Sweet Baby Jesus teaches you at your mega-Christian churches? Pay a little more attention to the gospel next Sunday.

***

Yes, both the Cavs and Warriors lost on the same night. And yes, they both lost to sub-.500 teams. But it’s January. And the Cavs had a night out in New Orleans before while the Warriors had the same in South Beach. Heavy legs and “flu-like symptoms” for all.

***

Seth Meyers, who has enthusiastically entered the void left by the retirement of Jon Stewart, takes “A Closer Look” at Donald Trump’s first weekend of being president. Yeah, it goes about how you’d think.

Music 101

Without A Trace

After five albums that made them regional faves in the upper Midwest, Minneapolis natives Soul Asylum hit the jackpot in 1992 with Gravedancers Union. The cleverly named album went triple platinum, spent 76 weeks on the charts, and yielded three hit singles, none of which are this song, which may be my favorite. Oh, and remember when cover art for an album mattered?

You’re not the only one who can put naked kids on an album cover, Nirvana

Enjoy their network television debut, from the last year Letterman was at NBC. Look how much fun they’re having. Look at the smile on lead singer Dave Pirner’s face (and yes, it’s okay to look at Pirner and say to yourself, So THAT’S what a love child between Meg Ryan and Axl Rose would have looked like). They know they’re killing it. Or maybe they’re just still stoked from having met Jim Kelly in the green room. Who knows?

Remote Patrol

True Grit

AMC 8 p.m.

Open Range

AMC 10:30 p.m.

That’s a pretty good Western two-fer, starting with the 2010 remake that starred Jeff Bridges, Josh Brolin, Hailee Steinfeld and Matt Damon. The nightcap was a sleeper, because both Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner have each been in a better Western, but it’s still plenty good and Annette Benning as the approaching old maid is wonderful (or, you can watch the Kansas at West Virginia rock fight on ESPN at 7)

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. The Wisdom of Crowds

One day after Donald Trump‘s inauguration as our 45th president, nearly 3 million people peacefully assembled in Washington, D.C., New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver, Boston, St. Louis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Atlanta and even Boise. There were similar marches (more like rallies; I spent three hours on 2nd Avenue between 49th and 48th Streets; we literally “took a stand”) in London, Paris and other parts of the globe.

In New York City, bump-her to bump-her traffic….

Let’s call them “Rally Caps”

A University of Connecticut professor named Jeremy Pressman is keeping a running total of the crowd sizes in a Google Doc spreadsheet and estimated the crowd at 2.9 million, the largest ever protest in United States history. And if a guy named “Pressman” is not an experts on crowds, who would be? It’s like a library cop named Bookman.

A mass protest in Paris!?! That’s nearly in Seine!

In Washington, D.C., an estimated 500,000 peaceful protesters marched without a single arrest (or punched-out Nazi). Of course, those numbers might have been different if Ricky Williams had chosen to join them.

Can’t a Heisman Trophy-winning brother even go out for a walk without the po po hassling him?

So what was it all about? A feminist guest on MSNBC’s show with Brian Williams got it 100% wrong when she said, “If it’s just an anti-Trump thing, it’s a missed opportunity.” No. Saturday wasn’t about finding tributary causes (pro-choice, equal pay, etc.), though those matter. Saturday was a call to arms (and legs) to stand up and be counted if you don’t agree with the direction in which this president and his cabinet seem intent on taking this republic. No more, no less.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffb_5X59_DA

Ashley Judd hit it out of the park here. Find Scarlett Johansson’s speech, too. She acquitted herself well. They could probably do without Madonna the next time.

2. CIA: Chronically Incensed Autocrat*

Trump’s first visit as president to “Nazi Germany”

*The judges will also accept “Clinically Insane Asshat” and “Clownish Individual Attacks”

On Saturday Donald Trump crossed the Potomac into Langley, Virginia, to make the Central Intelligence Agency his first stop on his first full day as president. Standing in front of the Memorial Wall, whose 117 stars signify the sacrifices of agents who have lost their lives in service to the United States, Trump blathered on about:

–the media: “They are among the most dishonest human beings on earth” (only when discussing our bench press max)

–intelligence: (his, not the agency’s middle name): “Trust me, I’m like, a smart person” and ” Now, I know a lot about West Point. I’m a person that very strongly believes in academics.”

–support: “I am so behind you. You’re gonna get so much backing. Maybe you’re gonna say, please, don’t give us so much backing, Mr. President” and “There is nobody that feels stronger about the Intelligence Community and the CIA than Donald Trump. There’s Nobody. Nobody.”

I’ve never been more convinced than I am now that Donald Trump is a true danger to the Republic. https://t.co/ZtohQNGjgV

— Evan McMullin (@Evan_McMullin) January 21, 2017

That’s a conservative former CIA operative tweeting.

–as long as we’re here: “I wasn’t a fan of Iraq. I didn’t want to go into Iraq. But I will tell you. When we were in, we got out wrong. And I always said: “In addition to that, keep the oil. But, okay. Maybe we’ll have another chance.”

–crowd size at his inauguration: “The field was…. It looked like a million, a million and a half people.”

—Time magazine: “I have been on their cover like 14 or 15 times. I think we have the all time record in the history of Time magazine.” (Nope: Richard Nixon has it, but Donald will likely catch him)

–Truth (a.k.a. Non-alternative facts): “I love honesty. I like honest reporting.”

As Trump said all of this, he may have if he were so inclined, looked out to the opposite end of the building’s lobby. There he would have spotted a biblical verse from the Gospel according to John: “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

Of the few Trump columns I read this past weekend, this one by a Republican, Pete Wehner, who worked in three GOP presidential administrations, felt the most insightful.

3. The Sean & Kellyanne Show

Spicer’s post-inauguration debut was simply a scolding of mean tweets.

A few hours later in the White House Briefing Room, the lies got bolder. White House press secretary Sean Spicer came out for the first time in that role since the inauguration and went gonzo Pinocchio.

Spicer: “This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration — PERIOD.”

It wasn’t, not even close. The estimated attendance for Friday’s attendance was estimated at anywhere from 250,000 (conservative estimate) to 600,000 (Alt-Right estimate). Compare that to comparisons of Barack Obama in 2009 (1.8 million), Obama in 2013 (1 million) and Bill Clinton in 1993 (800,000).

Stars Jumbotron with a topical joke. pic.twitter.com/9vsmTG1Agj

— Kate Morrison (@unlikelyfanatic) January 22, 2017

Spicer also said 420,000 people used the D.C. Metro on inauguration day compared with 317,000 for Obama in 2013. The Washington Post reported that the Metro actually had 557,000 trips between 4 a.m. and midnight on Friday, but that in 2013 there had been 782,000 over the same time. As for the 317,000 figure from 2013 Spicer cited, that was from 11 a.m. to midnight; during that same period on Friday, Trump’s inauguration drew 193,000.

These were simply inaccurate statements. The next morning a weary-looking Kellyanne Conway called them “alternative facts” in an interview with NBC’s Chuck Todd, who referred to them as “falsehoods.” Watch Kellyanne pause and look down, eyes closed, as if even she’s having trouble swallowing it.

Worrying about crowd size (or girth) one day into one’s presidency is inane, but what should sound off alarms is that the administration is willing to prevaricate over such a trivial matter when anyone with eyes can see the truth. On top of that, let’s remember that they chose to make this an issue on the same day that the largest single peaceful protest in American history took place.

Then again, maybe that was the point of it all. To take that off the top of everyone’s news feed.

4. Aziz Is Astounding

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9PpuYTgNQ4
Comedian Aziz Ansari was up to the challenge of hosting Saturday Night Live “the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration. His “lower-case kkk” monologue was as strong as Louis C.K.’s monologue a year or two ago, and his La La Land sketch was hilarious (loved the Black Mirror/Uber parody film, too). And if you missed Kate McKinnon just destroying Kellyanne, here it is (yes, the tribute to Obama at the end of the show was off-putting, but this show has never hidden its affection for 44; were you really that surprised?)

5. Coco: Oh No!

Coco is the niece of Kiki Vandeweghe and the granddaughter of a Miss America, Colleen Kay Hutchins

Down in Melbourne, both No. 1 seeds fell (how much farther can you fall when you’re that far down?) within hours of one another. Angela Kerber lost to “Team” Coco Vandeweghe while Andy Murray lost to Mischa Zverev. We still have a shot at the Williams sisters meeting and of Roger Federer taking an 18th Grand Slam singles title.

Music 101

Marching On

“The power on the right side fights the power on the left/We have got to stand together/Forget the East and West”

Another song from The Alarm, “The Stand,” might also have been apropos following the past few days. This early Eighties Welsh band fell under the New Wave umbrella, but they were really late-punk (their original name was “The Toilets”) who sounded a lot like U2 and Big Country. This song never even charted.

Remote Patrol

MONDAY NIGHT

Se7en

SyFy 8 p.m.

As you re-watch this gruesome classic, notice what a friend once shared with me: keep an eye on the different processes that Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt use to find their assailant. Freeman is all about being methodical and using research; Pitt is far more impulsive. It’s what comes back to bite him, because Kevin Spacey sees the difference in the two men.

by Michael DePaoli

COMRADE TRUMP INAUGURATION EDITION 

1. LIBERALS HAVE ALREADY WON 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avcyqp_10Yk

Why are you liberals so sad on this inauguration day? Why are you trying to snatch defeat out of the jaws of your own golden-showered liberal victory? Seriously, you should be celebrating!

You destroyed that utterly fake “family values” lie that the Republicans have been pushing for too many decades. You proved that the conservative movement has produced nothing more than a sociopathic desire to praise a leader who is a marital cheater. The conservatives just elected a reactionary jerk who was caught on tape bragging about molesting women. Come on, celebrate! The GOP family values thing has been exposed as a fraudulent ideology.

Liberals have won! Look at the evidence! Tattoos are everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. You can download porn on the internet. We have gay marriage. You forced the Republicans to admit that they need to help fix our health care system, that they need to help create a jobs program, that their wealthy backers need to stop outsourcing jobs, and that a stimulus to the economy is sometimes vitally necessary! Republicans have backed away from their “States Rights” bogusness. The GOP is becoming liberal, as it fights to stay relevant. So, please celebrate your liberal victory!

FYI, your president is 70, your first lady is 46, and Ivanka Trump is 35

Here is your action plan, going forward:

First, whenever talking about the sociopathic liar, call him Comrade Trump (as an alternate nickname, you can just call him WPE, which stands for Worst President Ever) (Editor’s Note: Until Eric Trump is elected).

Second, thank the GOP profusely for becoming liberal.

Third, start referring to the Mexican Wall as The Southern Border Jobs Program, because that is its true identity.

Fourth, every time the GOP votes to spend money, call it a liberal stimulus package.

Fifth, on a weekly basis, talk about that campaign “contract” that Trump has already breached.

Sixth, whenever possible, ask Comrade Trump when he is going to drain the swamp.

Seventh, regardless of what kind of health care plan the GOP puts forth, call it the Semashko System (what the Russians used to call their health care under the Soviet Union).

Eighth, laugh at Comrade Trump, and never let him forget that he is a joke.

Ninth, keep asking for Comrade Trump’s tax returns. T

enth, go have fun and be happy, because that will eat Comrade Trump from the inside.

2. XXX: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE 

This movie presents (avoids begs teases) the question: Why do you want to go to a movie, anyway? If your answer might be that you want to sit down for two hours and be thoroughly engrossed in a slowly-progressing drama whereby you can feel smug and elite inside your intellectual arrogance (Ed Note: Isn’t that what this site is for?), then you need to avoid XXX: Return of Xander Cage. However, if your answer might be that you really and truly want to experience a ridiculous rollercoaster of entertainment that will allow you to escape your own slowly-progressing reality of life, then run (do not walk, but run) to the nearest movie theatre this weekend and buy a ticket to see Vin Diesel in his latest vehicle of fantastical fun.

This movie has a skateboard scene. And, if that might not be enough to convince you, there are also fights, and pretty girls, and satellites, and computer screens that go blip and beep, and motorcycles, and a huge airplane, and a little bit of dialogue, a lion hunt (that ends with justice being done), a few plot twists (yes, there is a plot), all mixed up with the bad people and the good people, and saving the world, and Donnie Yen being the action star that he is, and even Mr. Ice Cube being just so cool. Finally, on top of all that, Samuel L. Jackson is just so amazingly exceptional.

A Nina with fewer luftballoons

Deepika Padukone is stunning. Ruby Rose is stunning. Hermione Corfield is stunning. (It is almost as if the producers of the movie intentionally found some amazing eye candy, and yet all of these women play powerful roles.) Toni Collette is also stunning. (She played Muriel in Muriel’s Wedding, which I mention because in case you have never seen that movie you certainly should, forthwith.) But, my favorite actor in the movie is Nina Dobrev. As an aside, I was walking out of the movie theatre, with Nina Dobrev’s performance on my brain, and I thought to myself that someone should write a movie starring Nina Dobrev and Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick wherein each would try to out-adorable the other.

So, there you have it. Even if you might not be a Vin Diesel fan (you should be because he is so unique), this movie is still great entertainment. Plus, this is a great movie to see on the weekend of Comrade Trump’s inauguration, because the good people fight against the corruption (see, there is a parallel).

3. THE NFL AGAINST TOM BRADY 

This really should be hanging in a museum somewhere

I want to take the time to point out the tremendous success that the NFL had in its prosecution (witch hunt) against Tom Brady. The hard-fought legal battle against under-inflated footballs has finally proved once and for all that Tom Brady is so phenomenally awesome that he is capable of leading his team into the AFC Championship Game regardless of the hardness, softness. density, pressure, or temperature of his balls. Indeed, this weekend will be Brady’s sixth AFC Championship Game in a row (to go along with being four-time Super Bowl Champion, three-time Super Bowl MVP, twelve-time Pro Bowl). Thank you, NFL. We now know that all of Brady’s prior success was real.