by John Walters

Starting Five

This may be Floorida. Or California. Or Arizona. Or Nevada. Or Colorado. You know, one of those funny states with a Spanish name.

Armageddon Ready To Vote

The new wonder drug? D.C.-alis “If your election lasts longer than 15 months, please consult a physician. 

It’s election day: and you thought Christmas would never get here when you were a kid. Get out there and vote. And remember to charge your phone before you go because you may be standing on line a while. Especially if you’re black.

2. Stronger To Get Her Elected

Two presidents—possibly three—two First Ladies, the first African-American president, possibly the first female prez, possibly the first First Gentleman, and possibly, who knows, the first female African-American prez….and a Stanford grad

On election eve, the Democratic nominee went to the birthplace of this nation, Philadelphia and Independence Hall. She brought out Bruce Springsteen as her opening act (possibly the first woman he has opened for since Anne Murray in the early Seventies), who was shrewd enough not to play “The River”, “Born In The USA” or “Roll of The Dice.”

The audience was both lit AND woke

President Obama made his last of 17 campaign appearances for Hillary Clinton in this battle. Trump: “He should be doing his job.” Donald, he is. He’s trying to keep America great.

Then for Hillary it was on to a rally in Raleigh, joined by Lady GaGa and Bon Jovi.

“Nuuuuuge!” Grabs himself by the pu**y

Trump held rallies in five states, finishing up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, with Ted Nugent in camo as his opening night. If you were watching MSNBC’s Brian Williams, he wryly noted as Nuge took the stage that “You may not be able to see him with all that camouflage, but trust us, Ted Nugent is there.” (Nugget’s last Top 100 hit, “Wango Tango,” came in 1980, by the way).

3.  Ann-o-Wrexit

You cannot spell “Hannity” without placing “ann” right in the middle

There was a Coultergeist sighting on the eve of the election, as America’s favorite harridan tweeted this:

If only people with at least 4 grandparents born in America were voting, Trump would win in a 50-state landslide.

— Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) November 8, 2016

And she tweeted this a few hours before 3 a.m. I’m not sure if there has been any time in this nation’s history when Americans who had four grandparents born on these shores were in the majority….which has always been one of the best aspects of America. I’ll give her this, though: she may be right. But she’s also Far Right.

4.  Arc Diocese of Curry

You think Curry was aware that his 13th three broke a record?

Someone gave Stephen Curry the scouting report on 0-6 New Orleans and he decided to make it rain in Oakland. Curry drained an NBA-record 13 threes (in just 17 attempts) as Golden State defeated the Pelicans, 116-106.

Curry finished with 46 points, and if you study that stat box further, you’ll see that he shot an abysmal (especially for him)  33% from inside the arc and 50% from the free throw line, but 76.5% from beyond the arc.

You may recall, and this is hardly a coincidence, that on Friday night, on the second evening of a back-to-back, for Golden State, Curry missed all 10 of his three-point attempts at the Lakers, snapping his league-record of 157 games with at least one three-pointer. So, with two consecutive days off, he rested up, maybe took a couple treys at the practice facility, and atoned.

It was Curry’s first 40-point game of the season (he led the NBA with 13 last year). Also, I may be wrong, but it may have been the first Dubs game in which both Curry and Klay Thompson (24) outscored Kevin Durant (22). The Dubs are now 5-2 after starting out 24-0 last season.

5. Who You’re Really Going To Lose Your Job To…

And he won’t ask for a raise…

Mexicans? Cambodians? Indonesians? Try C-3PO and R2-D2.

You see the headlines about “Driverless Cars” and “Drones” and your bank probably already has automated tellers. Robots are cheaper for employers because they don’t need health benefits, they don’t ask for raises, and they (probably) don’t sexually harass their female robot co-workers.

But ultimately every robot replaces at least one job, no? The next president is going to have to address this issue, that what’s better for a corporation’s bottom line (and stock price) is not necessarily better for the U.S.A.  Think of all the non-college educated people whose primary job is to drive something or someone somewhere. Where do they go when driverless cars and drones take their jobs? Will they all just become robot mechanics?

Now, think of things like Uber and AirBnB, which are basically completely deregulating the taxi and hospitality industry. That’s not a robot problem, but it’s still a problem. Basically, Isaac Asimov predicted the end of the world accurately more than 50 years ago. Sad.

Music 101

The Winner Takes It All

This song seemed rather apropos for today. Then again, you may say, “We’re even outsourcing our election-appropriate tunes now!!?! What the WTF?!?” Meanwhile, here’s the thing about Abba: they wrote all their lyrics in a second language, knowing who their biggest potential market was. The 1980 tune was voted Britain’s favorite Abba song, though it only climbed to No. 8 here ou the U.S. charts.

Remote Patrol

Election Night Coverage

PBS (and every other network, but I’d watch PBS) 7 p.m.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZJujCge8Ys

Donald Trump last night: “If we don’t win, I will consider this the single greatest waste of time, energy…and money…” And that would make KellyAnne Conway America’s single greatest expert in waste management.

MSNBC contributor Nicolle Wallace, who worked on the McCain/Palin ticket, has been a breakout star of this election

Anyway, it all ends tonight. Then we can return to talking about how the Pac-12 gonna get screwed in the College Football Playoff.

by John Walters

Tate (15) left Smith (22) wondering if anyone dude can tackle him

Make America Tate Again

Not sure how often the ones scrimmaged against one another at Notre Dame practices between 2007-2009, but when they did, chances are that wide receiver Golden Tate Warrior and safety Harrison Smith had some good battles. On Sunday  in Minnesota, they were at it again, Tate caught the above pass in overtime, eluded Smith’s tackle, then nonchalantly helicoptered across the plane (SWIDT?) for the  game-winner. A 29-yard TD pass.

And he held onto the football

We’ve seen this before. One of the most underrated things about Tate, just ask USC’s Taylor Mays, is how strong he is. Watch him shake off Smith as if he’s a little brother.

Will never forget, after the 2009 season opener (a 35-0 thumping of Nevada, who had a QB named Colin Kaepernick), someone asked Charlie Weis if Michael Floyd who that day had TD catches of 24, 70 and 88 yards, would go down as the best wide receiver in Notre Dame history. Charlie’s answer: “Golden might not agree with that.”

Airborne Tate is nothing new….

I’m with Charlie. Golden Tate was at least the equal to Floyd, if not better. And he’s always been more fun to watch. Also a reminder: three players from that 2009 football team were on the field in Minneapolis yesterday: Tate, Harrison and Viking tight end Kyle Rudolph. And they still finished 6-6 and got Weis fired (Rudolph missed most of the season with an injury) (Update: No, he didn’t. Rudolph started 10 games; Floyd missed 5 with injury, though: remember, those 4 on the same team couldn’t beat Michigan and Tate Forcier became a one-week legend because of it).

2. Keepin’ It 10-0

This play had no effect on the outcome, but it typifies how difficult it was for the Tigers to stop Hurts

For three quarters in Baton Rouge, neither top-ranked Alabama or two-loss LSU were able to score off one another. It was the first game all season that headed into the fourth quarter with a score that looked like an old-timey barbell.

Then Tide freshman QB Jalen “Everybody” Hurts sprinted around right end on a designed keeper, cut back inside, and was barely touched as he scored from 23 yards out to break the ice.

Think of all the playoff hopefuls and all the points they put up on Saturday: Clemson 54, Michigan 59, Washington 66, Ohio State 62, Louisville 52. These are almost certainly the crop of teams that, besides Alabama, the four-team playoff will draw from. And yet Alabama (9-0) and its one measly TD and one field goal are easily the best team in the land.

3. Earthquake Alley?

Oklahoma tossing up more bricks than Klay Thompson

Remember when Oklahoma used to be infamous for its tornadoes (Is that why they named their NBA team the Thunder??? Whaaaaaat?)?  Anyway, a 5.3 magnitude earthquake struck central Oklahoma last night.

Here is a run-down on the number of magnitude 3 or higher earthquakes in the Sooner state the previous three years:

2013…….109

2014……585

2015……907

So what’s happening? Is it fracking? Indirectly, yes, as this article attests. Of course, fracking makes a lot of people in Oklahoma a lot of money while bringing down people’s gas bills, so I wonder what side of the aisle will dismiss this reasoning as ludicrous.

4. Bill Folds

Her show: “Garbage Time.” His show: garbage.

On Friday HBO canceled Any Given Wednesday, saying that this week’s show will be Bill Simmons’ last (special guest: John From Cincinnati cast reunion). That’s a quick hook—four months—but we could all see that this show wasn’t going anywhere. The best personality-driven sports show on TV is hosted on midnights on ESPN by Scott Van Pelt. As a TV host, SVP is HBO-worthy. Simmons just never was.

He’s an incredibly engaging writer. Very funny. And people who listen to sports podcasts like his (I’d rather listen to his old pal Adam Corolla on a podcast). Whatever. HBO wasted millions of dollars on Simmons—they were never paying that much just to have The Ringer or for him to be a behind-the-scenes sports doc guy.

So, what’s next? My guess is they’ll both behave as if this setback is something they’ll move past, but then Simmons—stop me if you’ve heard this—will get a little whiny and petulant and HBO will decide he’s just not worth the bother. They’ll “amicably” divorce and Simmons will be hired by his pal Jamie Horowitz over at FOX.

If there’s a Bill Simmons movie, or better yet a “30 for 30” doc on the parabola of his career (“What if I told you a sports blogger got more than he ever dreamt of and it made him miserable?”), the last scene is Simmons and ESPN’s John Walsh sitting pond-side in Boston Common, as Walsh keeps repeating, “It’s not your fault…it’s not your fault…it’s not your—wait, maybe it is your fault.”

5. Gimmicks Gonna Gimmick

Fitbit’s stock pace has fallen off some…

Do you own a GoPro? Or a FitBit? Did someone give you either as a gift last Christmas or did you bequeath either or both on someone else? The Christmas before, perhaps? Two very popular gadgets a year or two ago are now going the way of “Bop It!” and Rollerblades. Check out their stock arcs:

FitBit (FIT)

IPO, June 17, 2015: $20/share

Peak, August 5, 2015: $51.90

Today: $8.95

GoPro (GPRO)

IPO, June 26, 2014: $24

Peak: Sept. 30, 2014: $96.45

Today: $11.16

Which brings us to Twitter (TWTR), which is a service as opposed to a product.

IPO (Nov. 7, 2013): $26

Peak (Dec. 26, 2013): $74.73

Today: $18.17

Is Twitter a gimmick , too? Will it fade? I don’t think so. And I’m not saying the above two companies are dead. They’ve just settled to a place beneath Irrational Exuberance. I still believe Twitter has a far higher ceiling than the other two. It’s the only one of the three that I’m sure will eventually return to its IPO price.

Reserves

Election Special. Since we have “One Day More” before we vote on who will be “Master (or Mistress) of the House,” here’s the showstopper from Les Miserables (if this doesn’t draw a Katie McCollow comment, nothing will).

Word Up

An experimental feature in which we showcase and define a word that you probably won’t see on Twitter.

mellifluous (adj) Sweet or musical, pleasant to hear

Music 101

Travelin’ Man

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxEy5QX7jHk

“Sometimes at night/I see their faces/I feel the traces/They’ve left on my soul…” In 1975 Bob Seger released the album Beautiful Loser, on which this song opened Side 2. The album peaked at 131 and this song never even charted. The Michigan native was even more  of a local hero to Michigan than Springsteen is in New Jersey. One night in 1976, he played before 80,000 at the Pontiac Silverdome  only to perform before fewer than 1,000 fans the  following night in Chicago.

After Seger released Night Moves in 1976, he became an international star. He’d then release a live album, Live Bullet, on which this song was played together with “Beautiful Loser” (they don’t even appear on the same side on the album) and it became the most played song(s) on the album, which to this day remains a Top 10 all-time live album in terms of sales. Love this tune.

Remote Patrol

Bills at Seahawks

ESPN 8:30 p.m.

Buffalo Bill the man never lived in New York (but he did live in Toronto for awhile). The More You Know….

Quick, which city, Buffalo or Seattle has the greater latitude number? If you said, “Buffalo,” you’re wrong. Seattle is nearly five degrees farther to the north. We East Coasters get SCREWED on weather. It’s nice to see the Bills (4-4) on prime-time TV. Seattle is in first place (4-2-1) in the NFC West.

by John Walters

Durant was dominant with 39 points and this blocked shot

Durant’s Domain

Golden State used a 37-11 second quarter to take a 25-point lead into halftime versus the Thunder, then West Coasted home for a 122-96 victory. Kevin Durant wins the first battle between his present and former teams. Russ had 20. It was OKC’s first loss, while the Dubs have won 4 in a row following that season-opening embarrassment versus SAS.

2. Isn’t This How Facebook Started?

In true Puritan style, they wear a “Crimson letter” at each game (“Heathen?”)

Chauvinistic and craven Harvard males rating Crimson coeds on their looks? A dozen or so years earlier, this is how Facebook began. Now, it’s gotten the men’s soccer team’s season canceled as punishment.

For those of you college soccer-addled freaks, the Crimson were 10-3-2 overall, 4-0-1 in the Ivy League, and riding a 6-match win streak when the hammer fell.

3. An Oliver Twist*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OSTOFlM6fM

*The judges will grudgingly accept “Boulder Dash,” but it’s a hed the judges used for a story about CU football back in 1994, too, so….

Colorado gets past UCLA, 20-10, in Boulder when Isaiah Oliver took a punt 68 yards to the cabin with less than five minutes left. This game also featured UCLA running back Soso Jamabo and CU wideout Bryce Bobo. “Soso, Bobo. Bobo, Soso.”

4. Shelter from the ‘Storm’

Had the opportunity to see Aussie lyricist/pianist/comic Tim Minchin at the New York Comedy Festival last night. Brilliant dude, and last night as a second encore he had every last light turned down and did a spot-on rendition of “Hallelujah” (while apologizing for being the latest singer to cover the song).

Minchin veered away from discussing our election for all but about 30 seconds, where he relented and said the following: “If the FACT of him doesn’t bother you, my talking about the fact of him isn’t going to change anything.”

Anyway, here’s a bit he does that sort of shows off his genius for word play and genius in general. Up top is live, and down below here is the animated version.

5. Meanwhile in Bleaksville…

Does it feel a little like everyone has done that “I’ve come to Flyover Country To Understand Why Trump Voters Are So Angry” piece? Well, Benjamin Hart thought so, too. This is funny stuff.

by John Walters

One Hundred and Eight Is Enough

Cubs win.

Cubs win.

One long national nightmare is over…while another may soon begin.

Kris Bryant, when asked by Tom Verducci what this feels like: “This Trumps everything.”

2. Blame It On Theo

Bill Murray (left) and Theo after

2004: Boston Red Sox win their first World Series since 1918 (86 years).

2007: Boston Red Sox win their first World Series since 2004 (3 years)

2016: Chicago Cubs win their first World Series since 1908 (108 years)

In all three cases, Theo Epstein, age 42, was the general manager. He should be enshrined in Cooperstown tomorrow. Curse of the Goat? Theo’s the GOAT.

Note: Epstein’s grandfather and great uncle (as opposed to “Epstein’s mother”) won Oscars for Best Original Screenplay for Casablanca. The kid at least matched that career achievement.

Also note: The manager for those two Red Sox teams was Terry Francona.

3. A Fall Classic

Two teams who had not won a championship in a combined 176 years (MLB was established 140 years ago).

A wild pitch that allows two runs, the first time that had happened in a World Series game since 1911.

A journeyman catcher hitting a dead-center home run in his penultimate Major League at-bat in Game 7  (David Ross).

A team overcoming a four-run deficit to tie Game 7.

The Aroldis Chapman meltdown/Rajai Davis’s two-out, game-tying home run in the eighth (and the look on Cusack’s face after).

The rain delay. And whatever Jason Heyward told his teammates.

Albert Almora’s tag-up from first on the deep fly to center (the key play of the game, IMO).

Ben Zobrist coming through for a second consecutive World Series.

The Tribe, with two outs and no one one, still scoring a run in the bottom of the 10th (Rajai Davis again) and putting the winning run at the plate (as they had all of the ninth inning).

The final matchup of Mike Montgomery versus Michael Martinez, the former who had not one save during the season and the latter who had not one hit during the postseason.

The final score, 8-7, which if you play with the numbers, “108”, or one from eight, gives you seven (yes, that’s a stretch).

Anthony Rizzo back-pocketing the ball after the final out. Where will that go? And what is it worth?

Nobody choked. A seventh game went extras. A true classic. No goats (cursed or not), just GOAT.

4. Harry Caray Is Not Suicide

Props to Budweiser for having this ad in the on-deck circle to run immediately after the Cubs won. Wonderful.

5. Cleveland, You’re On The Clock

George Plimpton is probably the second-best known Lion (after Barry Sanders) since their last championship

The longest remaining droughts, by sport, in professional sports (I’m only counting franchises that have remained in the same city; sorry, Arizona Cardinals fans, you are not long-suffering even if the Cardinals are).

MLB: Cleveland Indians, 1948

Football: Detroit Lions, 1957

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs, 1967

NBA: Atlanta Hawks, 1968

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 50th to Robert Kar—David Schwimmer

Starting Five

Look at me/I should be/Centerfield

Magnificent: Seven

A two-out, two-run error in the first (that wasn’t ruled an error, but it sure did feel like one center fielder Tyler Naquin), and a grand slam bomb in the third (by Addison Russell, the first in the WS since Paul Konerko in 2005), and the Cubs waltzed to a 9-2 victory in Game 6. I’m not sure why Joe Maddon used Aroldis Chapman, either, but the thinking is probably, He’s a hoss, her our hoss, and he probably won’t be pitching for us next year, anywyay, so what do we care?

Fate seems to favor the Cubs, but Cleveland will have a very well-rested Andrew Miller tonight, and he’ll go three if not four innings. Could we see the second seven-game series this year involving a team from Cleveland and a blown 3-1 lead?

2. Gig ‘Em > Mush!

If the sole goal of putting A&M No. 4 was to get people arguing/hot taking, then it worked.

In the first College Football Playoff rankings, one-loss Texas A&M (“S! E! C!, S! E! C!”) nudges out unbeaten Washington for fourth place. To a large degree, I gots no problem with that (for now) as the Aggies have played a much more rigorous schedule than the Huskies.

Looking ahead: the Aggies host Ole Miss and LSU (on Thanksgiving night), while U-Dub hosts a much improved Southern Cal and visits Wazzu in late Novem-brrr. There’s a whole lot of the football remaining to be played, of course, and not just for these two. Don’t sweat it, dogs.

3.  Louie Brings It In Harlem

Louis C.K. on the election, on Conan last night:

“If you vote for Hillary, you’re a grown-up.

If you vote for Trump, you’re a sucker.

If you don’t vote for anybody, you’re an asshole.”

In a show taped at the Apollo Theater in Harlem, Louie, who was raised by a single mom, noted how cool it would be to have our first mom in the White House. “A great father can give a kid 40% of his needs, top; whereas any mother, 200%. What’s the last conversation you had with your mom? ‘Mom, alright! It’s enough!'”*

* I may resemble that remark.

Honestly, this may be the best endorsement for either candidate I’ve yet seen.

4. Nguyen Wins (“Win Wins”)*

Nguyen is Las Vegas’ best homonym since “Steve Wynn”

*The judges will not accept, ‘Hold the Vayo’.

At least one World Series came to an end last night…the World Series of Poker.

The deets: Qui Nguyen, 39, defeated Gordon Vayo in Las Vegas.

Heads Up: The final two men of more than 6,000 entrants, Ngyuyen and Vayo played 181 hands heads-up, (i.e., one on one) before Nguyen won. Their heads-up showdown lasted seven hours. I’ve been at one of these. It’s mentally crushing to endure.

Prize: The coveted bracelet and $8 million.

Good Morning, Vietnam: Nguyen is the 47th WSOP Main Event champ, and the second Vietnamese.

Note: There has never been a female champion of the Main Event. Only one woman, Barbara Enright in 1995, has ever advanced to the final table.

5. War and Peacemonger*

*The judges will also accept “Brave, Heartbreaker”

Mel Gibson and his I-Don’t-Give-Half-a-%$*& beard were on Colbert last night to promote Hacksaw Ridge, Gibson’s first film since Apocalypto a decade ago. It’s the real-life story of Desmond Doss (Andrew Garfield), the first conscientious objector to win the Congressional Medal of Honor. In 1945 Doss, a private first class, took part in the bloody eponymous battle on Okinawa without carrying a weapon, but saved the lives of 75 fellow soldiers. It’s getting good buzz.

At the Venice Film Festival, the movie received a 10-minute standing ovation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiBPoeLVIhM

And if you want something really real, here is the man himself appearing on This Is Your Life, I’m guessing in the 1950s.

Music 101

You Sexy Thing

One generation gets Ice T, another had Hot Chocolate. Few better opening lines ever written than I believe in miracles/Where you from, you sexy thing? And, yes, those are the only words to the song most of us know. Hot Chocolate was a British act and that’s Errol Brown singing lead. The song climbed to No. 3 on the U.S. charts in 1976 and enjoyed a resurgence more than 20 years later when it was featured in The Full Monty.

Two years later another one-hit wonder named Exile had a song called “I Wanna Kiss You All Over” and if you listen to it, the chords sound very, very similar, no?

Remote Patrol

CMA Awards

ABC 8 p.m.

If you’re a country music artist who loves baseball, you’ve got quite a dilemma: attend the CMA Awards tonight in Nashville, or watch Game 7 as the Cubs or Indians go for their first World Series title in most of our lifetimes. Of course we’re going to watch Game 7.  I’m only posting this because Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood annually provide the most satisfying opening dialogue in awards shows, and you need to at least watch the first 10 minutes of this show, even if you don’t love country music. Plus, this is the 50th anniversary of the CMA Awards.