IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 21st to Andrew Wiggins….

and..

…a Medium Happy 20th to D’Angelo Russell.

Starting Five

Give ’em hell, Tim

1. Apple Core Beliefs

A long, long time ago, Eve took a bite out of the apple. And now the FBI wants to do the same.

People: 9/11 could have been easily prevented. More than a few astute, insightful FBI investigators filed reports to their superiors about Arabs taking flying lessons in different parts of the USA. But here’s the problem: nobody listened. Because nobody wanted to upset the status quo.

Fifteen years later, you’re telling us that it’s worth compromising a company’s ethos (not just any company, but the world’s most successful company, which happens to be based in the U.S.) so that the FBI, which has no clue if there is any real information in this dead mass murderer’s phone, can suss out if there may be a terrorist attack on the horizon? And not just a company’s integrity, but also that of the U.S. Constitution?

What ever happened to all that, “If we change the way we live, the terrorists have won” rhetoric?

Last thing: the same Justice Department that couldn’t find the evidence or will to lock up a single Wall Street banker after 2008-09 now has the will to break the law in order to keep us safe? Thanks, but no thanks. Do your jobs. And this time, listen to your agents in the field.

2. Hoboken Squat Cobbler

Really, now, would he make something like this up?

Jimmy gotta be Jimmy. What our hero in Santa Fe is quickly discovering is that the partner-track world is lucrative but also zzzzzzzz. Especially if you don’t bring your acoustic guitar to the office. So he takes a side job because, let’s face it, Jimmy McGill not conning people is like Chuck McGill visiting Best Buy.

Here’s the back story of how the term evolved, and why there may not be as many pies at your local bakery this weekend.

3. Definitely Mabrey

Meet the Mabrey sisters of Belmar, N.J. (Yes, that’s where Jersey Shore takes place) and Notre Dame. Michaela (23), a senior, buried three pointers in last night’s 73-66 win at No. 2 Florida State, while Marina (3), a freshman, also made three pointers in the game.

Michaela is a starter while Marina is the first or second player off the bench.

FOB (Friend of Blog) Ken Fowler points out that since the beginning of the 2013-14 season, the Fighting Irish are now 99-1 versus all teams not named UConn. They have more losses in national championship games versus the Huskies (2) in that span than they do against the entire rest of their schedule (lone non-UConn defeat was last year at Miami).

4. “Where’s Roscoe?!?”

Here in New York City, we have a famous and beloved bed bug-fighting pooch. Apparently he has no equal in the Dust Bowl state, as Kyrie Irving was forced to miss Cleveland’s game at OKC at Sunday because of bed bug bites (Cleveland still won, 115-92). The hotel was the Skirvin Hilton, which is reputed to be haunted by a maid who committed suicide years ago.

Either way, we mention all of this mainly so we can provide Stephen Douglas’ (of The Big Lead worldwide renown) tweet: “In a show of solidarity with the basketball team, the hotels in OKC never have more than 2-stars.”

5. “And Your Coming Back To Me/Is Apparently NOT Against All Odds…”

Take a look at me now, Phil says

Eighties pop song genius Phil Collins and ex-wife Orianne, who divorced in 2008 and set a British alimony record at $46.7 million, are apparently headed back to the altar. She is not an easy lover, but something happened on the way to heaven.

Music 101

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

The first single from Pat Benatar, who was born Patricia Andrzejewski in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Which is where Girls is now set. If Hannah and the gals had been around in 1980, they’d have been listening to this hit when it reached No. 9.

Remote Patrol

Champions League: Arsenal vs FC Barcelona

2:30 p.m. FS1

No one has told Ozil that he can’t really fly.

Forget what the cable news shows say: TODAY is Super Tuesday. The Champions League does not really begin until the Round of 16, and today’s first match features defending champs FC Barcelona (Messi, Luis Suarez, Neymar) at Arsenal at Emirates Stadium in London. The Gunners are currently in third place in the Premier League with Mesut Ozil and Olivier Giroud.

5. Models Only 

And this ISN’T televised?

Welcome to the 7th annual LeSutra Model Volleyball Tournament in, of course, Miami Beach. Coed teams from Miami’s hottest modeling agencies hit the sand last weekend for a tournament and I honestly can’t understand how neither ESPN2 or FS1 got their grubby little fingers on the TV rights. We don’t know who won. And we don’t care.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

A Medium Happy birthday to Jeri Ryan. Seven of Nine turns 48.

Starting Five

*Note: Today is Medium Happy’s 1,111th post. We’re No. 1 and 1 and 1 and 1, for a day.

A photo of the photo finish…. (Hamlin in the near car wins by the width of a FedEx envelope)

1. By A Fender

At the Daytona 500, Denny Hamlin beat Martin Truex and raced past three of his Toyota teammates on the final lap. Hamlin, who when he was seven years old wrote a letter stating, “I want to win the Daytona 500” (as opposed to those of us who wrote, “I want to attend PowerPoint presentations in the conference room”), won by 0.01 of a second. It’s the narrowest NASCAR finish since they introduced computer chip timing in 1993.

Truly an incredible final lap, if you haven’t seen. And Matthew Kenseth (lime car) will be kicking himself forever for having gone up too high to block Hamlin, who nabs his first victory in the Great American Race.

2. Tragedy In Kalamazoo

While in the midst of his Uber shift, 45 year-old white male Jason Dalton shoots six people to death at various locations and gravely wounds two others. Then he heads off to a bar. There is no known motive other than the thrill of shooting human beings.

But, you know, Dalton is white and he doesn’t belong to part of a larger organization (and by “belong,” of course, we mean, share their ideas on jihad) intent on harming you, so everyone can relax. He’s not ISIS; he’s just ‘MERICA! He’s one of us; not one of them. So that’s probably a big relief to the families of the six people he murdered.

3. The Best Women’s Team West of UConn AND The Yukon

Mullings, an Arizona native, is the leading scorer and rebounder for the Anchorage-based Seawolves.

After her first collegiate game at South Mountain (Phoenix) Community College, a scrimmage versus Division II University of Alaska Anchorage, Megan Mullings met the opposing team’s coach, Ryan McCarthy, who at the time was 29 and had just coached his first college game. McCarthy told Mullings that some day he hoped she played for him.

Mullins spent two years at SMCC, then transferred to the UAA. In her two seasons with the Seawolves, the team is 59-3. They’re 30-1 this season and ranked No. 1 in the nation in D-2. My story in Newsweek.

4. Motor-ious!

The Pistons wore jerseys that read “MOTOR CITY” and yet it was New Orleans’ Anthony Davis who plowed into overdrive, scoring 59 points and collecting 20 rebounds in last night’s 111-106 win.

Davis shot 24 of 34 from the field.

Not only was it a career-high for Davis, it was the highest point total in the NBA this season. Only two other players have ever scored more than 55 points and grabbed at least 20 rebounds in one game: Wilt Chamberlain and Shaquille O’Neal.

5. Aloha Means Goodbye

Honolulu native and surfing legend Brock Little passed away due to liver cancer this weekend at the age of 48. Little was well-loved in the surfing community for having a fantastic sense of humor and maintaining his humility. He never bought into that entire tao of surfing thing. He said that he did it because it was fun. That he did nothing for a living but surf and that someone happened to drop checks in his mailbox because of it.

I’ve always felt that big wave surfers live a little more than the rest of us do. Without use of any motors, they experience thrills and danger the rest of us never do (and let’s be clear: I don’t want to). Little lived a lot. Aloha, Brock.

 

Music 101

Home and Dry

In 1978 Scotsman Gerry Rafferty released the album City to City, which featured No. 2 Billboard hit “Baker Street” (best sax into to any pop song?), the No. 12 hit “Right Down the Line,” and then this tune, which, sure, is EZ Listening, but it goes down smooth. It peaked at No. 28. If you don’t know any of these songs, you may know an earlier hit of his, “Stuck In The Middle With You,” that is prominently featured in Reservoir Dogs.

Remote Patrol

Better Call Saul

10 p.m. AMC

Chac cac co, ladies!” Can a con man from Cicero, Illinois, find happiness and contentment in Santa Fe, a.k.a. “The City Different?” Will Slippin’ Jimmy fall in love with the art galleries on Canyon Road? Will he partake in Zozobra? A summer subscription to the Santa Fe Opera? All too soon to tell, but chances are our anti-hero will soon find himself missing his old office and home in the back of the nail salon. Cucumber water for customers, only!

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

A Medium Happy birthday to Nicolaus Copernicus, the father of heliocentrism. Copernicus and Galileo have birthdays in the same week, somewhat orbiting one another. This also indicates that nobody all that hot has a birthday today.

Starting Five

You call him the Holy Father; Trump just sees another Latino crossing the border into Texas.

1. Toyota Harrumph-athon!

Pope Francis vs. Donald Trump.

Pope Francis, in El Paso:  “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not very Christian.” See, the Pope is for improving our infrasctructure, too. The Trump replies that The Pope is “disgraceful.” And then Jerry Falwell, Jr., says that “John F. Kennedy would be rolling over in his graver right now” over the Pope’s comments.

Let’s be fair to The Pope, shall we? He was asked if he believes The Trump should be president, and he clearly replied, ” “I am not going to get involved in that. I say only that this man is not Christian if he has said things like that…”

Falwell “A douche says what?”

To which Falwell, Jr., replied, “Here’s the Pope saying we have to choose the leaders — sounds like he’s saying this — that share his faith.” Which, of course, is exactly not what the Pope said at all.

If you’re playing at home, How far will the Far Right, the fringe of the Conservative Party who believes they’ve cornered the market on Christianity, go to protect their political interests? They’ll tell the leader of the Catholic Church to stay in his lane. Wonderful.

Trump: “If and when ISIS attacks the Vatican, the Pope will wish that Donald Trump had been elected president.” Then later, when Trump had calmed down, he joked, “If it’s good I like the Pope; if it’s bad, I don’t like the Pope.” ( <–That’s what you should have originally said, Donald).

I mean, the nerve of the Pope to claim that a serial philanderer, a man who has been divorced twice because of adultery, who is infamous for not paying his vendors and contractors, and who basically labeled an entire nation of people as “rapists and drug dealers,” the nerve of the Pope to assert that such behavior is “not Christian.” Who does he think he is? The Pope?

2. Toyota Harrumph-athon! (Continued)

“Orange who?” “Orange you glad we devoted 12,000 words to a serial rapist cop?”

Chris Warcraft vs Clay Travis. I don’t even have the energy for this one, but you can watch it if you like.

Endangered dolphins vs. idiot narcissists with selfie sticks. Makes me too upset to even post the picture; I just hope every human in it dies soon, and painfully.

SB Nation vs. everybody. A sympathetic, 12,000-word story about a convicted rapist who’s a cop who preyed mostly on female minorities?  Of course we should run that! Kudos to SB Nation editorial director Spencer Hall for a forthright and unqualified apology. On the other hand, methinks he’ll be a tad less snarky on Twitter in the coming weeks.

Not the finest day in the history of the republic, yesterday.

3. Pearl Harbor Plunge

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k5eJt0Zydc

One person is in critical condition after this civilian Bell helicopter with at least five people aboard plunged into Pearl Harbor yesterday. Another five to ten yards closer to the bystanders, and it would have been a lot worse for everyone. No reason as of yet for the crash. The accident occurred just 1000 yards or so from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial.

4. Born To Run

Ostrander may be part deer.

If you have not already, meet Allie Ostrander, a freshman at Boise State University. Last fall she finished second at the NCAA Cross Country National Championships. This winter she is breaking Mountain West Conference indoor track records and has run the fastest indoor 3,000 and 5,000 times n the entire nation.

But that, as they say, is not all: Ostrander (whose name autocorrects to “Stranger” and will drive all of us Mac users insane) hails from Alaska’s Kenai Peninsula, on which is staged the annual Fourth of July Mount Marathon race. She won the race as a junior six consecutive times (often beating both all boys and girls) and last summer, in her debut as a senior, she broke the 25 year-old course record (the race has been staged since 1915).

Rumor has it that Ostrander chose Boise State over Oregon because the latter would not allow her to continue competing in Mount Marathon. Hey, Pablo Torre, how do I submit one of those “30 For 30 Short” pitch ideas?

5. Les Grizzerables

This did not sit well with Susie B., we imagine.

On the last day that NBA trades could be made this season, the Memphis Grizzlies, who already have Matt Barnes (“And I would drive 100 miles/And I would drive 100 more/Just to be the man bead Derek Fisher/The man whom I do most abhor”), Zach Randolph and Tony Allen, acquired serial earhole blower Lance Stephenson. Let The Big Lead provide more details here

Question: Do you know the name of the Memphis Grizzlies’ coach? I didn’t (it’s Dave Joerger). But does it matter? My guess is that Joerger’s most commonly used phrase is, “C’mon, guys!”

Music 101

Sin City

This is vintage. With Bon Scott as lead singer AC/DC makes an early appearance on The Midnight Special in 1978, introduced by Steven Tyler and Ted Nugent (we didn’t know how good we had it, he says for the thousandth time). Angus Young does his Angus Young thing, and the satchel is a nice touch.

Remote Patrol

The Walking Dead

Sunday

9 p.m. AMC

The Parent Trap

Zombie, please. Last Sunday’s Zombie Gettysburg (in Alexandria) coupled with Daryl’s one-shot incineration of Negan’s biker gang will not soon be topped. This week could be the equivalent of that slow song right after “Rock Lobster” at the junior high dance. But we’ll have to tune in to find out, and I imagine the producers will at least give us a taste as to what’s in store for us with Negan, whom we have yet to meet.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 66th to Maddie Hayes herself, Cybil Shepherd

Starting Five

The Blue Devils now have two Top 10 wins in the past five days by a total of 2 points.

1. All Fall Down

For only the fourth time in 20 years, a trio of Top 5 teams fall on the same night: No. 3 Oklahoma loses at Texas Tech, No. 4 Iowa loses at Penn State and No. 5 North Carolina loses at home to—hate to say it but it’s true—gritty Duke.  Not a single timeout was called in the final 3:52 of the Boo Devils-Tar Heels game. It was a thing of beauty as Duke wins, 74-73.

Top 5 teams have now lost 33 times this season. Enjoy your brackets next month.

2. Bill Is Back! (Sorta)

Everyone’s favorite 2016 star who went into exile (after David Letterman and Jon Stewart), Bill Simmons, announced yesterday that he is starting a new sports and pop culture website called The Ringer. He was going to call it “Die, Roger Goodell, Die” but that URL was taken. I don’t if the The Ringer will launch early enough for 5,000-word recaps on the new Gilmore Girls series, but a boy can dream.

3. “Clutch” Interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jSPCPOea2c

You either love Derek Jeter, loathe Derek Jeter (because his Advanced Stats are so poor) or are dating Derek Jeter. Anyway, he did this interview with Joe Buck yesterday on DirecTV that isn’t going to help the haters hate him less. We true believers know they’re all just jealous (I’d read this explanation as to why if I were you; it’s “The Ringer”-worthy).

4. Dadpool

The star of Deadpool AND Van Wilder. Remember when he and the star of Castle and the girl from Monk were all on the same TV show?

I’ve told this story before but for those of you who have not heard it: Early February, 2008. I’m at a restaurant in Hollywood, sort of a locals-only spot, that has just four seats at the bar. I’m seated there waiting for my table. And lo and behold, Ryan Reynolds walks in and sits at the bar with some girl. I don’t even notice her because RR is a rather dashing figure.

Later on my friend Moose joins me and I whisper to her, “Pssst, Ryan Reynolds.” And Moose replies, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Look at who’s with him, dumbass. The woman sitting next to you. It’s Scarlett Johansson.”

True story.

5. Flori-Duh?

Robinson’s defense: He stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

We need a judges’ ruling on whether this is “Flori-Duh” or not. An 18 year-old in Fort Lauderdale who may have watched Catch Me If You Can too many times poses as a doctor twice in a 12-month period, posing as “Dr. Robinson” and giving gynecological exams at a holistic health clinic. I admire both the moxie and the ambition.

Why did the young man, Malachi Love-Robinson, pose as a doctor twice? I’m guessing because his patients were seeking a second opinion. And if that’s his real name, why didn’t he pose as Dr. Love? He’d have his own theme song.

Kate Bock in SI (just because)

In the immortal words of Radar O’Reilly, “Ah, Bock!” (some of my jokes are only for people over the age of 45)

Music 101

Cover Me Up

I don’t know too much about Jason Isbell except that he used to be in Drive By Truckers and that a lot of folks who live below the Mason-Dixon Line, love college football and are on my Twitter timeline would lay down their lives for him. So here is the Green Hill, Alabama, native performing on Austin City Limits.

Remote Patrol

Wisconsin at Michigan State

9 p.m. ESPN

Valentine’s Week?

Sparty (21-5) is ranked 8th but three of their five losses are by one point and the other two were to Iowa. Wisconsin has a better conference record but the Badgers are only 16-9 and unranked. Bucky really needs this win. A pair of studs in Denzel Valentine and Nigel Hayes on a pair of teams that advanced to the Final Four last April.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 53rd to our favorite Birmingham Baron, Michael Jordan.

Starting Five

Sorry, Al Stewart, 2016 does not appear to be the Year of the Cats.

1. Not Again, Northwestern

On December 30 Northwestern opened its B1G tour with an 81-72 win at Nebraska to move to 13-1. The Wildcats, as you may know, hosted the very first Final Four on their campus in Evanston (1939) but have never, ever, ever been to the Big Dance. And, well, nearly 7 weeks ago, fans had a right to feel somewhat optimistic.

Last night the Kitties lost at Purdue, 71-61, their 9th loss in the past 13 games. Northwestern is now 17-9 on on the outside looking in for a tourney berth. Chicago’s second-most famous sports drought looks as if it will continue. Maybe they should be using the Veep’s son more. Charlie Hall is low man on the team in terms of minutes.

2. Ode to Kanye

I did this in about two minutes. Perhaps it shows:

Don’t take no time,

To bust a rhyme,

In any clime,

A message sublime,

But your lyrics are meaningless,

The words, they demeaning us,

Imploring and teasing us,

Inciting and Yeaz-ing us,

Don’t take no college dropout,

For wisdom to pop out,

Of your mouth with a cop out,

While wanting a handout,

A bailout, a flop-out,

This ain’t no recital,

Drop your album on Tidal,

While acting infantile,

With a sneer and a smile,

You taking a beating,

For your whining, your Tweeting,

140 characters self-defeating,

The crying, the bleating,

So now you retreating?

Cuz haters retweeting?

3. Pope Vs. Juarez

Today, thanks to the overwhelming success of Telenovela, Pope Francis visits Juarez, Mexico, which is just across the Rio Grande from El Paso, Texas. Juarez has been called, deservedly, the Murder Capitol of the World. It is Ground Zero for the drug war. That’s one brave pope. Yesterday a man in the crowd attempted to pull him toward him, wouldn’t let him go, and got a papal scolding. I don’t think the pope will return to Mexico, but then again, he’s 78.

This is not a blessing the Pope is delivering.

4. Saul ‘tof the Earth

Mid-February on the East Coast, this looks like a delightful alternative.

A couple more things on the Season 2 premiere of Better Call  Saul that we forgot to cover: First, notice the symmetry between the first and last scene: Jimmy is trapped, to a degree, in a room that makes him uncomfortable. In each room there is a switch or lever he can press. In Omaha, he does not take the chance for fear of alerting the cops to his identity. In Santa Fe, he breaks the rule and flicks the switch (nothing seems to happen).

Also, don’t you get the feeling that “SG WAS HERE” may come back to haunt him?

Also, note the name that he uses as the resort: “Mr. Cumstein.” That’s a call back to a scene from Caddyshack. Mr. Gilligan is a playful writer.

Finally, it was easy to see why the po po would be suspicious, but how did they know to look behind the love seat? Because it was the only part of the room not in shambles? Odd.

5. What’s the Matter, Horn?

Might Emily be a long-lost relative of the MH staff?

This is SI Swimsuit model Emily DiDonato, who was born in New York and whose great-grandparents immigrated here from Italy. Our grandmother was named DiDonato, lived in New York, and either she or her parents immigrated here from Italy (we know, we should know this for sure; we’ll do some fact-checking later). It’s clear who got all the good genes.

Anyway, we’re going to take a little familial pride in Emily’s success and we may stop throwing those reunion invites immediately into the garbage. Meanwhile, neither one of our two favorites, Nina Agdal or Samantha Hoopes, garnered their first covers this year, which we feel is just below a crime against humanity. Just….

Hopes: This is a pose that says, “Hi, Susie B.”

Music 101

Ferry Cross the Mersey

This 1965 single by Gerry and The Pacemakers rose to No. 6 on the Billboard charts, a testament to how much people at the time cared about commuting. The Mersey is the major river you see when you’re in Liverpool, England, which you should really visit once in your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GWoV4r67h0

Remote Patrol

Duke at North Carolina

9 p.m. ESPN

Marcus Paige

Not as much heat surrounding this rivalry as in years past, but the Boo Devils (No. 20, 19-6) are coming off their best win of the season while the Tar Heels (No. 5, 21-4)are coming off two losses, followed by a 3-point win at ACC-winless B.C., and then finally a decent win against Pitt. Does it feel as if every year the Heels have one 1st team All-American kinda guy (Marcus Paige) but that they’re just not a team that people don’t talk about the way they used to?