by John Walters

A Medium Happy 51st to Diane Lane from Darry, Soda Pop and Pony Boy.

Starting Five

This is not, I believe, Doppler radar

1. The Jonas Blizzard

It’s going to snow this weekend. Like, a lot. The good news is, if you wet your pants, you can turn it into art.

The producers of The Leftovers are kicking themselves for not having thought of this.

2. The Black List

Rubio is Top 5 in both Steals and Assists, but he’s shooting 35% from the field. If he ever wants to be an All-Star….

Ten NBA All-Star Game starters, all of whom are African-American. I’m going to boy—what’s that you say? The highest-scoring white guy in the league is Gordon Hayward of the Jazz, who’s 23rd in scoring? Or that Ricky Rubio is the only white dude in the Top 5 in Steals, Assists or Rebounds, but that he has the WORST shooting percentage of any starter in the NBA not named Kobe Bryant?
Never mind. Then again, Kobe is starting.

We live in an age where Russell Westbrook isn’t even considered to be the NBA’s best player. What a time to be alive!

West: Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, Kobe Bryant, Kawhi Leonard, Kevin Durant.

East: Kyle Lowry, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Paul George, Carmelo Anthony.

3.  ISIS Head Count

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtM1AKKWlO0

News out of the caliphate is that some salaries of ISIS fighters have been, um, slashed by 50%. So Jimmy Kimmel had an idea for those jihadists who are concerned about their fiscal futures: ISISTT Tech.

4. Thunder Dan’s Return

Thunder Dan, Jeff Hornacek and Bobby Hurley are all head coaches in the Valley of the Sun these days.

In the early Nineties, my colleagues at SI accused me of having a huge man crush on Thunder Dan Majerle of the Phoenix Suns (where I grew up). True. But, man, was he fun to watch in his first five seasons, before he became strictly a three-point shooter.

The hoops arena is quite, well, cavernous….

Thunder Dan has had quite the successful run in Phoenix, His sports bar/restaurants, Majerle’s, are franchised. And now he is the head coach of for-profit university Grand Canyon. The Antelopes are 17-2 in the weakest of D-I conferences, the WAC, but they’re not eligible for the Big Dance until 2018, I’m told.

Something wild: GCU is also a publicly traded company. You can actually own stock in the school. Something else wild: GCU is located in Phoenix, a mere 225 miles from the actual Grand Canyon.

5. Bill Johnson, Legend, Dead at 55

Johnson is reportedly dead at 55. That’s too soon.

You may not remember him, but in 1984 Bill Johnson brashly predicted that he’d win gold in the men’s downhill in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia (only 31 years ago, and it’s a country that no longer exists), even though no American male had ever won a gold in an Alpine event at the Olympics.

Edwards as Johnson in “Going for the Gold.” Shortly before his role as Goose in Top Gun. It’s always about the goggles.

Johnson, a former juvenile delinquent who’d been given a choice by a judge while in his teens of ski school or jail, fulfilled his bold pledge. His life is a movie (in fact, they made one, starring Anthony Edwards, in 1985), what with the rough upbringing, the Olympic gold, and then the downward spiral that included his teenaged son drowning in a hot tub, bankruptcy, divorce, and a failed comeback that led to a massive brain injury.

Johnson, who had suffered a series of massive strokes and was living in an assisted-living facility in Oregon, is dead at 55.

Music 101

Do Ya

Mid-Seventies rock-and-roll AND a laser beam show!!! It’s ELO hosting The Midnight Special (for the millionth time: we were so spoiled in the Seventies and we didn’t even realize it) in 1976. Jeff Lynne had initially recorded the song five years earlier with his previous band, The Move (charted at 93), but reprised it with ELO and it reached No. 24. A solid turn-it-up tune.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1iWA2lM86k

Remote Patrol

New England at Denver

3:05 p.m. CBS

“For the last time, Gisele does not have a sister.”

Those of us of a certain age recall fondly those late Seventies Orange Crush Broncos, the voice of Curt Gowdy on NBC, and some thrilling playoff contests from Mile High Stadium. This one should be pretty good, too, no? Arguably the top two quarterbacks in NFL history meeting for the final time, at least this late in the season. Worth noting: Eli Manning has the same number of postseason wins versus Tom Brady as his big brother, Peyton.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 60th to Geena Davis, who was a decent backstop for the Rockford Peaches.

Starting Five

Drummond missed an NBA-record 23 free throws last night. Detroit still won, however, 123-114.

1. Andre .385*

*The judges would not consider Drummond an outcast, however.

Last night the Houston Rockets intentionally fouled Detroit center Andre Drummond 12 consecutive times to open the 3rd quarter. He was intentionally fouled 21 times total, and shot 13 for 36 from the line.

His 23 misses broke Wilt Chamberlain‘s record by 1. Any time you break a record held by the Big Dipper, that’s pretty, well, whoa.

Fans should actually thank the Rockets. They may force commish Adam Silver’s hand here in order to change the rule. Sure, it would be nice if Drummond, who missed more FTs last night than Stephen Curry has missed all season, would practice his foul shots more. But, you know, he leads the league in rebounding (15.4 per). He probably knows his job is safe whether or not he makes them.

2. Sheiks and Shale

“Well, the first thing you know old Jeb’s a millionaire…”

Yesterday I endeavored to learn why oil is so cheap (gas is now less than $2 per gallon) and why it seems to be hurting the economy. As a child of the Seventies, it was drilled into me that the world was running out of oil and we’d be waiting in lines so long you might as well be trying to buy tickets to Springsteen’s final show. Also, I was taught that high oil prices harm the economy.

Finally, I was taught to try and grow up to be a dad just like the one Bill Cosby is on TV. It was a confusing time.

Anyway, the simplest way I can figure it, with the help of an article or two, is this: we, alas, have stability in the Middle East (thanks, Obama) while domestically are also producing a lot of oil. The sheiks have decided to go the Walmart path: make oil so cheap that it drives their competitors out of business; then, when they have a monopoly, or close to it, they’ll raise prices via unnatural shortages again.

3. Sue Falls!

Kate Walsh is Sue Falls

Bored of the current television programming? I had some midseason replacement ideas in Newsweek, including CSI: Manitowoc County, America’s Next GOP Model, and Sue Falls, which is a dramedy based on a personal injury lawyer based in South Dakota. Starring the age-appropriately lovely Kate Walsh.

4. Flint-y

Flint native Michael Moore calls Flint’s water pollution “racial genocide.” Oh, this is going to get worse. And there may be an Oscar for someone in it eventually.

Water in Flint, Michigan? Not good.

Buffalo Bills? Hired a female coach.

Oscars? Hate black people.

Darius Fleming? Not Manti T’eo.

Stacey Dash? (See: Oscars)

Okay?

5. 73-9? Within Reach

The Dubs could Ezeli win 73 games.

Now 43 games into their season, the Dubs are 39-4. They just beat two of the three top teams in the Eastern Conference, the Cavs and the Bulls, on their home courts, by 34 and 31 points, respectively.

Sure, they have yet to play any of their three games of the year versus San Antonio, but they’re probably getting a break there, too. Why? Because 2 of those 3 games will be in the final week of the season, when playoff positions will likely be firmly entrenched. If the Dubs are still shooting to beat Chicago’s 72-10 mark from 1996, they may be going for it. Whereas Gregg Popovich may be shutting his team down, resting his starters. Though, as we’ve seen, Pop has a strong second unit as well.

Stay tuned. The Dubs had lost two of three, but it feels as if these last two games reminded them of what is possible if they remain focused. Why not go for it? Immortality doesn’t come around every day.

Music 101

Baby, Let Me Follow You Down

Bob Dylan, live at the Royal Albert Hall in London in 1966 is a landmark show in rock history (it’s where the Hibbing native first publicly plugged in). This song is delightfully messy, and that’s The Band backing him.

Remote Patrol

Psycho

11:15 p.m. BBC America

This lady is off her rocker (a reminder, by the way, that Hitchcock never won a Best Director Oscar)

There’s a terrific scene in the 2012 film Hitchcock (starring Anthony Hopkins) in which he stands out in the lobby during the premiere of this 1960 film, waiting to listen to the gasps and screams that he hopes will come during the shower scene. As the 2012 film attests, Psycho was a huge risk fro the director, a last gasp as commercial success in an industry that thought his time had passed. Well, I guess he and Anthony Perkins and mother (and, Janet Leigh, who is not the actual actress being stabbed; they used a stand-in) showed them.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 60th to Bill Maher, who is desperately seeking a POTUS to appear on his show (I mean, he even appeared on Seinfeld’s web series)

Starting Five

1. Marvin’s Room

Last year, as a freshman, 6’10” Marvin Bagley III of Tempe Corona del Sol High School was probably one of the top five NBA-potential prep players in America. Since leading the Aztecs to a 34-1 record and their fourth consecutive Arizona state championship, Bagley has dropped out of Corona to attend a “high school,” Hillcrest Academy, that did not exist a year ago; seen his coach, Sam Duane (the most successful prep coach in Arizona the past two decades), “retire” before his 50th birthday, transferred to a school in southern California, Sierra Canyon, which was the lone school that beat Corona del Sol last year, and now been declared ineligible to play in California.

It’s like, Can Bagley, now 6’11” just move to Lexington, Ky., now and acclimate to the local customs, weather and food? And can you say, “Daddy’s a little TOO involved?”

2. A Crowe Soars with the Eagles

Peaceful, Easy Feeling. Henley on the far left, Frey, in jorts (we all wore them) on the far right, and 3 guys in the middle who would leave or be fired, including Don Felder and Randy Meisner.

We always knew that William Miller was Cameron Crowe, but I never knew that Stillwater was the Eagles (for the most part). Here Crowe shares his story of how he tracked down the band, who would go on to be much more than Almost Famous, at a show in San Diego when he was in high school, and how Don Henley and Glenn Frey (the Jason Lee and Billy Crudup characters?) befriended him. It is…incendiary.

3. Missing Marines

Marines walk the beach searching for signs of their fellow soldiers

Two helicopters, each carrying six U.S. Marines, departed from Oahu the other night for a night maneuvers session. The helicopters and the 12 Marines never returned. Inflatable rafts from both helicopters have been found, but with no signs of people having used them. Two helicopters missing usually equates to accidental collision.

4. But Is He, Though?

As someone put it so poetically on Twitter yesterday, “Politician turned reality TV star endorses reality star turned politician.”

Does it mean anything, other than Donald owns the news cycle for another day? To me, this is a little like Gladiator. Trump is currently in the midst of a melee-style fight to the death, but if he can survive it he earns a one-on-one with Caesar (or Caesara).

This next battle is gonna be HUUUUUUGE!

Mock him, laugh at him, denigrate him. He doesn’t care. He’ll do anything to put MarcoTed RubioCruz behind him. Once he’s done that, he’ll tone it down and focus on either Bernie or Hillary with laser-focus. Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be living in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

5. Kelsey Times Three

Hoping that Plum wants to earn a doctorate and teach at the university level (I’ll wait for you to catch up)

The leading scorer in women’s college basketball is just above this sentence: Kelsey Plum of the University of Washington, who averages 27.3 points per game for the Huskies (14-4).

But the second-leading scorer in the country is Kelsey Mitchell of Ohio State, who averages 25.3 points per game for the Buckeyes (13-4).

And the seventh-leading scorer in Division I is Kelsey Minato of Army (14-2), who averages 23.3 points per game.

“I do not see tossed salad and scrambled eggs on the menu.”

Were all their parents fans of Frasier Crane? And does Plum spend her down time in Seattle seeking out the Cafe Nervosa?

Music 101

Dream Weaver

This 1976 tune by Gary Wright was also all over AM radio (like yesterday’s tune) in the mid-1970s. It’s considered the first synth-pop hit and it reached No. 2 on the Billboard chart. I never really needed to listen to it again, but part of the goal here is to educate, not just to entertain. I’m not your trained chimp! You’re welcome. Harrumph!

The song was inspired by a prayer from a yogi that passed from that yogi to George Harrison,who passed it on to Wright.

Remote Patrol

The Apartment

TCM 10:15 p.m.

“Love on an elevator….”

Winner of five Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director (Billy Wilder), this 1960 dramedy has to be on your list of films to see if you aspire to being a film snob (like Chris Corbellini and Mark Beech and myself). Anyway, it stars Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine and Fred MacMurray and is basically every episode of Mad Men, but like 47 years before Matt Weiner’s show premiered.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 70th to Dolly Parton. It’s not often that you see the word “medium” in the same sentence with the founder of Dollywood.

Starting Five

Frey (rapping the Irish) with manager Irving Azoff and Dan Fogelberg

1. Already Gone*

Of course the judges will also accept “Heartache Tonight.”

Glenn Frey, one of the two co-CEOs of the Eagles, dead at 67. Like Bowie, he died in New York City. Watch the terrific doc History of the Eagles if you have not already. Frey seemed like a guy with enough talent and more than enough charm and ambition to get where he wanted to go. Also, he and his co-conspirator Don Henley were ruthless leaders of that band. They were musicians, but also they were bosses.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeNBspJGVko

Favorite Eagles tune sung by Frey? “Lyin’ Eyes.” Also, lots of people wonder if “Hotel California” is a metaphor for death: “I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell“….”we are all prisoners here of our own device“…and “you can check out any time you like/but you can never leave.”

The Eagles were to ’70s California music what the Beach Boys were to ’60s California music. They owned it and they were its soundtrack. Their album, Eagles: Greatest Hits, 1971-1975, remains the 6th best-selling album of all time. Frey wrote the lyrics to some of the best-known songs in soft-rock history, such as: “Standing in a corner in Winslow, Arizona/Such a fine sight to see/It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford/Slowing down to take a look at me…”

And here, from that song, is your ethos for today, from another rocker gone too soon in 2016: “We may lose and we may win/But we will never be here again…”

Obits from the New York Times and also from Rolling Stone.

2. Susie B. Anguish-y

On this night, they were the Cadaver-liers

Quicken Loans Arena was the site of a massive non-Monday Night Raw beatdown last night, as the Warriors humiliated the Fighting Sweet Peas, 132-98. Stephen Curry scored 35 in only 28 minutes and sat out the fourth quarter. At one point the Dubs led by 43. It was as “Smells Like Champagne Supernova.”

3. Raucous With The Caucus

Hilton Honors: Georges Niang had 27 in the Cyclones’ win….

The better game last night, as MH’s (on) crack research TV staff predicted, happened in Ames, Iowa. The Iowa State Cyclones took down Buddy Hield and No. 1, Oklahoma, 82-77. It was the first time the Ames Higher boys had beaten a No. 1 since 1957, when they knocked off Wilt Chamberlain and the Kansas Jayhawks.

It was the third time already that someone entered the state of Iowa ranked No. 1 in the polls and lost (North Carolina at Northern Iowa, Michigan State at Iowa). That is HUUUUUUUUUGE, say the other GOP hopefuls.

4. Jessica Chastain and a Rotary Phone

This is Jessica Chastain in British GQ. She’s in The Martian. You shouldn’t wear high heels to bed.

5. Southern Men

Ebony and…

…Ivory

This bout has been simmering on Twitter for some time. In this corner, Bomani “The Right Time” Jones. And in that corner, Clay “Outclick the Coverage” Travis. If you follow both—and have been blocked by neither—you could see this coming ever since the faux University of Missouri racism crisis.

Anyway, beautiful that it all came to a head on MLK Day, as they finally confronted one another, at least on Twitter, directly.

El Flaco (Bo): “Welp” @ClayTravis (includes copies of hate mail sent to MLK)

Clay: “Good point. Things are the exact same now as then. Appreciate your obsession with me though.”

El Flaco: “do you, but it’s hard to call yourself moderate and parrot the anonymous antagonists of mlk. but, do you.”

Clay: “Trigger warning: Have an opinion that isn’t totally PC bro just once in your life.”

El Flaco: “you think you’re rocking the boat. that’s cool.”

Clay: “Hey, we can’t all change the world by being sidekick stooges on inane shows. But you do you, bro.”

El Flaco: “LOL.”

To Bomani’s credit, this exchange is only available on his timeline. Clay appears to have deleted it from his. I hope some smart executive at FOX—Is there a smart executive at FOX—puts these two together for the ultimate Odd Couple broadcast, “No, YOUR The Racist!” (yes, intended)

Music 101

Here You Come Again

This is the song that, in late 1977, introduced Dolly Parton to the world outside Nashville. An absolute monster hit on AM radio, the song rose to No. 3 on the Billboard charts and won Parton a Grammy for best Female Vocal Performance. It’s no “Jolene,” but even the country die-hards have to admit Dolly nails this pop jewel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3PM4zfHYBk

Remote Patrol

Australian Open

9 p.m.-3 a.m. ESPN2

$200K to fix a match?!? Surely, you must be Djokovic-ing

Are you like me? It’s not even about the tennis. It’s about sitting inside, when it’s very dark and below 20 degrees outside, and feasting your eyes on that magnificently brilliant sun in Melbourne. And then realizing only a week ago Chris Fowler was doing play-by-play for the NCG and now he’s down there (no one has a better life than Chris, and occasionally, he actually sounds as if it is not his birth right). Anyway….Venus lost yesterday…or today…or whatever time it is in Australia.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 61st to Kevin Costner (here, in his best role, from Fandango). Here’s to the privileges of youth (even if you’re not so young any more)!

Starting Five

The pride of Saginaw Valley State University…

1. Janis Fund

We know that the Cardinals won and that Larry Fitzergald, who caught two passes for 80 and all of Arizona’s yards in overtime, was heroic. But how about second-year pro Jeff Janis of the Packers? He basically retrieved two Hail Marys on the same drive, the first one a 4th-and-20 from the 4-yard line 60-yard reception.

Janis was selected in the 7th round, 236th overall, of the NFL draft, in 2014. He had 101 receiving yards on Green Bay’s final drive alone, or six more than in the entirety of his first two NFL seasons leading up to Saturday night. The 24 year-old had two touchdown catches on Saturday. His salary this season? $510,000.

Oh, and how about that throw by Aaron Rodgers on the game-tying touchdown? Fading to his left, about to be hit, and he still uncorked a 55-plus yarder.

2. Batman V Superman:  Brady V Manning

Not sure if the AFC Championship Game between the Denver Broncos and New England Patriots will be epic—or if it will even live up to the standards set by the teams’ meeting in the Mile High City earlier this season—but it will likely be the final time Tom Brady, 38, and Peyton Manning, 39, meet in the postseason.

Brady: 4 Super Bowl rings.  Manning: 1 Super Bowl ring.

Manning: 5 NFL MVP awards (most). Brady: 2.

Manning: No. 1 all-time in career passing yards (71,940). Brady is 5th.

Manning: No. 1 all-time in career passing TDs (539). Brady is 3rd.

Manning: No. 1 all-time in game-winning drives (56). Brady is 3rd.

Manning: No. 1 all-time in comebacks (45). Brady is 2nd.

As I arrived at the end of this item, I learned that “Brady-Manning Rivalry” has its own Wikipedia page. Things it would have been nice to know TEN MINUTES AGO!

3. Sheep Labor

The Bighorns have an imposing front line….

Last week someone in the media (holds up two thumbs, points them at his clavicle) proposed that instead of returning to Los Angeles, the Rams should move somewhere that rams actually exist: such as Montana.

The Billings Bighorns! You could even have a cheering section for the hooligans and call it the “Butt Heads.” Oh well, another great idea to which no one will listen.

4. Cougar Town

On the prowl for a younger panther, surely….

Yes, this is an authentic photo, not staged. It was taken not long ago and yes that is the Hollywood sign in the background. Mountain lions, a.k.a. cougars live in southern California, and you probably already knew that, but you may not have known that a few live in the Hollywood Hills and Santa Monica mountains.

Great segment all about this on 60 Minutes last night. Also, they are proposing a wildlife overpass on the 405 so that wild animals, such as the mountain lion, can migrate. This is the best idea I’ve read in a long time, and far more worthy than throwing money at Stan Kroenke for a stadium. We need to make this happen.

5. Dream a Little Dream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0yP4aLyq1g

On the occasion of Martin Luther King Day, here’s an excerpt from his famous speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial on August 28, 1963—less than three months before JFK was assassinated—in front of an estimated 250,000 people. Dr. King was just 34 years old when he gave this historic speech. “Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, we are free at last.” Give it 17 minutes of your day.

Music 101

High Enough

This song from hair metal supergroup Damn Yankees is probably cranking in Joe Dirt’s Gremlin right now as you read this. The DY consisted of Tommy Shaw from Styx, Jack Blades from Night Ranger, asshole Ted Nugent and some drummer. This tune hit No. 3.

Remote Patrol

Warriors at Cavs

TNT 8 p.m.

Kevin Love is quietly averaging just under 20 ppg and 11 rpg for Cleveland.

Honestly, the atmosphere for No. 1 Oklahoma at No. 19 Iowa State in Ames (High!) tonight will be better than this. But you do have the Warriors (37-4), who have lost 2 of their past 3, visiting Cleveland (28-10). The leaders of their respective conferences, with Stephen Curry versus LeBron James. Note: As well as Golden State has played, if they lose tonight, they’re just one game ahead of San Antonio.