by John Walters

Happy 65th, ya’ big lug! And you won an Emmy last night! Nice.

Starting Five

Forgive the succinctness, but it has to be Medium Happy Express today. We’ll be back at our regular long-windedness tomorrow.

Chad Kelly leads the Rebels to a 43-37 win in Tuscaloosa

1. Three Mississippi*

*The judges will also accept “Rebel Rebel” but you’re going to have to supply the song link yourself.

The first stunner of the season occurs in Tuscaloosa, at Mississippi ends No. 2 Alabama’s 17-game home win streak and soundly defeats the Crimson Tide –they led by 19 in the 4th before Bama made it interesting — 43-37. Ole Miss deservedly moves up 12 spots to No. 3, though if you have them No. 1 or No. 2 this week there’s no argument here.

Being blindsided by an Ole Miss lineman? That’s ironic. Keep that spinal column on a swivel, Cooper Bateman.

2. Sign Language

Nobody appeared upset when they spotted this sign in the background; only when ESPN chose to feature it during its gallery of signage

So the above sign apparently upset a few people because you know, it’s the internet and being offended is an inalienable right as established by the founders of the Constitution, but defense would like to submit the photo below into evidence….

This pic also appeared on GameDay, a vestige from last October’s Rebel win in Oxford

3. Hamm, Not on Wry

Hamm is more like Draper than we all thought

Finally. After being nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series seven years in a row, Jon Hamm, 44, finally crawls onto the stage and receives a gold statuette on his 8th try (you’re only one behind me now, Hamm!). Since Mad Men ended, Hamm, who lost his mother at the age of 10, has been to rehab and has broken up with his girlfriend of 18 years, Jennifer Westfeldt. Remind you of anybody?

The speech, linked above, was short, sincere and humble.

Good stuff from host Andy Samberg (Did he ever mention Brooklyn 9-9 in that song? I don’t think so. My favorite moment: “Did you watch Castle?”). And a little tribute to the closing scene of Mad Men.

4. The Holy Spirit, Amendola

Amendola had just one catch yesterday (teammate Julian Edelman had 11), for 29 yards, but folks will remember it.

The photo above doesn’t do justice to Danny Amendola’s 4th-quarter, 29-yard reception in New England’s 40-32 victory at Buffalo. The 5’11” slot receiver out of Texas Tech (a.k.a., Wes Welker 2.0) seemed to launch himself into the heavens, clutch the overthrown pass by Tom Brady, and then allow the throw’s momentum to take him on a wild, safety-abandoning ride as he fell to the earth with blatant disregard for his skeletal structure. You have to see the video(s).

Mr. Brady, by the way, was 38 of 59 for 466 yards, 3 TDs and 0 INTs. The dude who was supposed to take a seat for the first four games of the NFL season leads the league in passing yardage (754) and TDs (7, all without an INT).

5. Where In The World…?

No, the correct answer is not “Every city along the Eastern seaboard in the year 2050,” though that’s a good guess. Answer tomorrow.

Hint: The building materials correspond to a Beatles song title.

by John Walters

Aisha Tyler, who played a paleontologist on Friends (check that box, producers), turns 45. Happy Birthday!

Starting Five

Bolin completed 19 of 34, threw two INTs, and was sacked a couple of times.

1. Bolin: Green

Meet Louisville, the best 0-3 team in the nation.

The Cardinals lost at home to Clemson last night, 20-17, using their third starting quarterback in three games, sophomore Kyle Bolin from Lexington, Ky. On a final drive that was a gift from the referees — missed that face mask against DeShaun Watson — Bolin threw one terrific pass over the middle to his freshman tight end, Micky Crum, who was smart enough to get out of bounds with no timeouts left.

But then Bolin gakked: wasn’t ready for a snap one play and tossed it out of bounds; got sacked; and finally, heaved a Hail Mary pass when a 15-yard pass would’ve put the ‘ville in position to tie.

Good news, Louisville fans: It’s Rick Pitino’s birthday today.

2. Peyton’s Pace

Charles: Not in charge

Knile Davis scored on an 8-yard run with 2:27 left, giving the Chiefs a 24-17 lead against the Broncos. At home. And Kansas City still lost.

Peyton Manning, whom the Twittersphere had retiring in the first half, completed a 19-yard pass to Emanuel Sanders with :36 to tie it, then Jamaal Charles (“the LeBron of football”) fumbled at his own 21. The ball bounced into the arms of Bronco DB Bradley Roby, who returned it for the game-winning TD. A “Yip-6.”

Denver has now won 13 consecutive divisional road games, which is A) remarkable and B) a testament to playing in the same division as the Oakland Raiders.

So, sure, Peyton Manning is a shadow of his former self. But the Broncos are 2-0.

3. Elliott Mess

Ezekiel should’ve just posted a pic of his abs on Instagram

You have to admire the chutzpah, if not the grammar, of Ohio State stud running back Ezekiel Elliott, who asked out Taylor Swift via Twitter yesterday: “I see your in town tonight want to grab something to eat after their concert ?”

Your? Their?

Hey, if T-Swizzle pulls him up on stage to help sing “Shake It Off,” it was all worth it, right?

Elliott’s coach, Urban Meyer (UM, for short, even though he coaches at OSU), was probably too busy reading Jeremy Fowler’s piece of scathing to notice. I imagine this was Urban’s feeling about all of that….

4. “Who Does No. 2 Work For?”

How much did Valcke allegedly scalp his tickets for? One million dollars?

FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke, Sepp Blatter’s right-hand man, has been relieved of his duties after it was reported that he scalped up to 11,000 tickets for the 2014 World Cup at up to four times their face value.

Valcke is known amongst other FIFA members as “StubHub.” (I don’t know if that’s true at all, but it seemed like something worth typing).

So we a Dirty No. 1 and a Dirty No. 2 at FIFA. Anyone want to go for a hat trick?

5. The Hello, Delhi*

Raise your hand if you want to travel to India!

*I so wanted to go with Stupid Hunan Tricks but “Hunan” is not really related to India so, you know…

Everyone’s favorite curmudgeon, David Letterman, is heading to India to act as a correspondent for the climate-change series, Years of Living Dangerously. Dave will interview Indian prime minister Narendra Modi and hopefully ask, “What’s up with all the feces in your water?”

Dave has never traveled to India. This is all very Alan Alda of him.

It will be his first Late Show TV gig. Dave is 68. His mom is 94.

Music 101

Ventura Highway

Whenever I listen to this early ’70s tune by America, I wonder just how envious of it The Eagles were. Glenn Frey is kicking himself for not having written this song (or at least that Donald Felder didn’t write that opening hook). There actually is no Ventura Highway, by the way. Dewey Bunnell, who wrote and sang the song, fashioned it after Highway 1, which runs through the town of Ventura. True fact: America played this tune, which hit No. 1 in 1972, at the gubernatorial inauguration of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ha-ZsGxCb8

Remote Patrol

67th Primetime Emmys

SUNDAY Fox 8 p.m.

Donald: Driver

Rosh Hoshanah was last week. Yom Kippur begins on Tuesday. In between, though, there will be a much celebrated Hamm (a stretch, I know) as Jon Hamm finally, FINALLY, at last, receives his long overdue Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series Emmy. This is the eighth consecutive year he has been nominated. I really hope as the former Don Draper approaches the stage that Duck Phillips tries to heckle him.

by John Walters

Listen to me: Coach Taylor turns 49 today. Happy Birthday, Kyle Chandler!

Starting Five

Muslim teen creates homemade device that ticks. Is not named Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Adults in positions of authority get confused.

1. Alarmist Clock

That’s Ahmed Mohamed, and he’s in handcuffs on Monday because the principal at his school was worried that the homemade clock that he brought into school to show his teacher was actually a bomb.

He’s Muslim. It’s Texas. He doesn’t play football. So let’s all jump to conclusions.

You have to love that extra dig by POTUS on the morning of the second GOP debate: “It’s what makes America great.”

Flava Flav is da bomb! But no one ever accused him of toting one.

From @DangerGuerrero: “BREAKING: The British appear to have developed some giant bomb, possibly attached to a rocket.”

2. Mass Debaters

Not even The Dude can abide five-plus hours of a GOP debate (thanks to Carl Quintanilla for suggesting this)

It’s good television, the GOP debates. At least for the first three hours. There’s Lindsay Graham going off and declaring, “We’re going to kill every one of these bastards we can find!” and Rick Santorum comparing Kim Davis to a teenage victim at Columbine, which prompted George Pataki to say, “My response is kind of, ‘Wow’,” before commencing to give Santorum a lesson on the rule of law.

Let’s put Bo on some currency. She’s already a 10.

I didn’t even make it to the varsity debate, although apparently the most important question was a hypothetical one as to which woman belongs on the $10 bill. Please, these are men with Super-PACs behind them. Let’s make it the $1,000 bill.

CNN, which aired the debate(s), produced a “The Debate in 3 Minutes” video. That’s the way you do it.

3. America’s Got (British) Talent

At the end of the day, ventriloquists spend long hours talking to themselves as different people.

John Oliver and James Korden were not enough. Now a Brit has won America’s Got Talent. He’s a ventriloquist and his name is Paul Zerdin and if you watch his act, he’s very talented. Still, America needs to secure its talent borders.

(On the other hand, maybe we should look to the UK for our next president. After all, Charles has been waiting patiently for quite some time.)

4. The Funny and Bizarre Rise of PFT Commenter

PFT Commenter has his own Wikipedia page, more than 62,000 Twitter followers, and apparently a very liberal travel budget

He doesn’t have a name, or at least it is not widely known. He prefers sleeveless shirts and he doesn’t say much. But somehow in the past six weeks PFT Commenter has become a quasi-household name. He held up the “Is Joe Flacco a elite quarterback?” sign at GOP Debate 1 in Cleveland. Then he actually appeared on Pro Football Talk with host Mike Florio. And met Skip and Screamin’ A.

Holy Zeitgeist, Batman!

Last night he appeared at GOP Debate 2 in Seamy Valley wearing a sleeveless Deez Nuts T-shirt. His presence is now required at every presidential debate going forward, I should think.

5. The Bats Go Home After October 2

Harper, who is just 22 but has 40 home runs and an MLB-best .467 OBP, can’t believe he won’t even get this close to a playoff game.

The top eight hitters in MLB, based on batting average, are: Bryce Harper, Washington (.338), Miguel Cabrera, Detroit (.335), Dee Gordon, Miami (.332), Buster Posey, San Fran (.328), Xander Bogaerts, Boston, and Yunel Escobar, Wash., (.321), and Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona, and Michael Brantley, Cleveland (.315).

What do they all have in common? None of them are headed to the postseason.

Eight of the top 10 hitters in the National League in OBP are not headed to the postseason. Six of the top 10 hitters in the AL in OBP are not, either.

The top four home run hitters — Nelson Cruz, Chris Davis, Bryce Harper and Nolan Arenado — are not, either.

Yes, I get it: pitching matters. But I’m not sure how often such a plethora of the game’s most potent offensive weapons are all shut out of October play. There are FOURTEEN non-pitching MVPS currently represented on MLB rosters and of them, the only ones who will likely play in a wildcard or ALDS game are Andrew Mccutchen (2014) and twilight-ers Alex Rodriguez (multiple years),  Jimmy Rollins and Josh Hamilton.

Great names you won’t see: Bryce Harper and Mike Trout, arguably the game’s top two players. Nelson Cruz. Paul Goldschmidt. Chris Davis.

It’s not that it’s good or bad. It just…is.

Music 101

Bennie and the Jets

There are Elton John songs that seem to have gained greater renown over the passage of decades (“Candle in the Wind” and “Tiny Dancer” come to mind), but having lived in the moment of Elton’s mid-Seventies hey day, I don’t know that there’s a more Elton John-ny tune than this one., which peaked at No. 1 in 1974. Some just AS Elton Johnny, but this one captures his vibe and you’ll find yourself mouthing the words even if you don’t want to do so.

Remote Patrol

Broncos at Chiefs

CBS 8 p.m.

Eric Berry returns

I’ll be watching to see if Louisville falls to 0-3 (at home versus Clemson, ESPN, 7:30 p.m.), but I imagine you’ll want to see Peyton Manning and his puny passer rating (59.9) take on Alex Smith and the Chiefs.

by John Walters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trcXlTiy3Xw

She likes to kick, stretch, aaaaand kick! She’s Molly Shannon, and she’s fifty. Today.

Starting Five

1.Wronghorn

Steve Patterson is all hat and no cattle, as they say in the Lone Star State, and he was giving the University of Texas a bum steer in Austin. So he’s out after just 22 months as athletic director. The new AD must 1) love Texas 2) be able to schmooze and 3) understand how to be a CEO.

MH suggests….

J.R. Ewing would leave Southfork for this gig

Speaking of burnt orange…

2. NPH: No Problem Hosting

Reese does not want to end up in pieces

Save for the time Doogie Howser had to do a gynecological exam on his girlfriend — what sadistic writer thought up that story line? — Neil Patrick Harris excels at everything he tries. So was anyone even remotely surprised that Best Time Ever, his live variety show, was actually entertaining? Among other things, he challenged Oscar-winning actress Reese Witherspoon to zip line from a 15-story high crane. Here, watch.

3. All’s Whale That Ends Whale

This happened on Saturday morning in Moss Landing Harbor, Calif., near Monterey. A humpback whale weighing anywhere between 25 and 40 tons breached right in front of a two-person kayak and landed on the front of it.

“It came above us and blocked out the sun, and I think both of us thought that was the end,” Tom Mustill, one of the kayakers, told Outside.

But it wasn’t. Mustill and his friend, Charlotte Kinloch, were both pulled underwater but because they were wearing life jackets, bobbed back up to the surface minus any scathing.

“When it came out of the water, it was like a building grew out of the deep,” Kinloch said. “The forces involved were incredible. We were just being dragged under by the whale.

“The next thing I knew, I was underwater and thinking, ‘How am I not dead?’” Mustill said.

Nature: Still the coolest thing around.

4. Who Is Nolan Arenado?

Arenado watches his game-winning solo homer leave Dodger Stadium

I didn’t know either, but apparently Arenado, a 24 year-old third baseman for the Colorado Rockies, is tied for the National League lead in home runs (39) and is atop the Senior Circuit in RBI with 111. A third-year player, he has already won two Gold Gloves and once had a 28-game hitting streak.

Last night Arenado hit a game-winning homer in the 16th inning of Colorado’s 5-4 win at Los Angeles — he is from the Newport Beach area.

I should really pay more attention to baseball.

5. Better Than Beckham?

That’s Kris Silbaugh, a wide receiver at Cambridge Springs (Pa.) High School, which is located due north of Pittsburgh near Lake Erie. Silbaugh, who was born without a left hand and who possesses 4.4. speed in the 40, has 38 career catches. His school’s record is 57. He is already the school’s all-time leader in receiving yardage (915).

Music 101 

Hold On, I’m Comin’

That’s one badass horn intro and two badass vocalists: Sam and Dave. Live, 1967. Yeah, way too dangerous for the Andy Williams Show. For the record, that’s Samuel Moore (still living) and Dave Prater, the most successful soul duo in history and the pride of Stax Records in Memphis. This song reached No. 1 on the Black Singles chart and No. 21 on the Billboard pop chart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ND4P-gy1PM

Remote Patrol

GOP Debate

CNN 8 p.m.

From the (Saint) Ronald Reagan Presidential Library (“Books are for losers”) in Simi Valley, Calif. Is Marco Rubio already toast after provoking #FSUTwitter? Who will be the first candidate to utter the words “Kim Davis?”

Matt Taibbi has some GOP Debate Drinking Game Rules you may want to peruse (unless you’re trying to remain sober).

by John Walters

Happy Birthday, Mary Strong. From Fox Sports anchor to yoga entrepreneur.

Starting Five

The Niners won, sure, but more importantly, how did your DraftKings team do?

1. Hyde and Go Seek Yardage

A second-year product out of THE Ohio State University, Carlos Hyde more than trebles his previous career-high (55 yards) by gaining 168 as the Tomsula 49ers silence Adrian Peterson (31 yards on 10 carries) and the Vikings on MNF. Meanwhile, Trent Dilfer reminds people that “you cannot lose games in the NFL and still win.”

Is it Saturday yet (we’ll even watch the Thursday and Friday night CFB games, promise)?

2. Raining Arizona

Eight dead, five missing. All were traveling in just two cars.

A sudden outburst of rain and hail struck the Arizona-Utah border yesterday afternoon. It was over within an hour, but the combination of massive rains and hard, sun-scorched earth (less absorption) created mass flash flooding. Eight people died and five are missing when two vehicles were swept away. All the victims were mothers and young children and as you may have guessed from their clothing or the location, they are the plural mothers (and offspring) from the Warren Jeffs polygamist sect. If you want to learn more, read Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven.

The rain also did a number on boats and boaters at Lake Powell, which also straddles both states farther east.

3. KiKO AlonSO, From the ConGO

Good humor men…

The only human I know of older than the age of baby whose laugh belongs on a non-stop soundtrack is ESPN (and former SI) baseball reporter Tim Kurkjian. Wonderful man, terrific basketball player, and universally loved guy. Lucky for us Scott Van Pelt is able to make him giggle with almost no effort. This needs to become a recurring bit on the SVPSC.

4. Mommy Dearest

Who is the monster? Is it the woman in the plastic surgery post-op mask or is it the twins, Lukas and Elias? Is she even their mother? I’m not sure if scary is the correct word, but the Austrian thriller Goodnight Mommy will creep you out. I’ll not say any more other than after you see it, go back and watch that trailer again. If there’s an Oscar for trailers, this one earns it.

5. Abs-olutlely Fabulous

@TrackJenny will be one of America’s favorites in Rio next summer

That’s Jenny Simpson, the 2011 world champion in the 1500, who won the Fifth Avenue Mile last Sunday. One of the cooler races out there, it begins outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art and ends somewhere in the low Sixties (20 numerical blocks to a mile in Manhattan). Although I do hope they figure out a Spartan Race through the Metropolitan museum itself. You can even add the Guggenheim’s upward spiral to the adventure (it’s across the street and a few blocks up).

Anyway, Simpson won the women’s event and Nick Willis won the men’s. Author Malcolm Gladwell, 53, finished in 5:03 (he actually ran it in 4:54 last year).

Music 101

What I Got

How many tunes are better at owning your groove for a few minutes? How do you not sing along? “Love is/what I got….” This is sublime, from Sublime. The song was released in 1996 and peaked at No. 1 on the Modern Rock chart, and yes it was released AFTER the death of its singer, Bradley Nowell, due to a heroin overdose. Note the melodic similarities to “Lady Madonna.”

Remote Patrol

Best Time Ever

NBC 9 p.m.

It better be, Neil, it better be. And if it isn’t, I’ll just go back and re-watch this.