by John Walters

Happy 69th, Jennifer Marlowe! (We were always more Team Bailey ourselves)

Starting Five

Life of Bryant: He won’t get to strike such lovely poses this autumn….

1. Bryant: Park

Notre Dame, in what has replaced the An Tostal keg toss as the school’s most feared annual event (see: 1988), declared 2nd-string running back Greg Bryant academically ineligible for the 2015 season. Bryant joins Davaris Daniels (WR, 2014) and Everett Golson (QB, 2013) on the “Prominent Offensive Players Who Sat an Entire Season Due to Academic Mishaps” wall of notoriety.

I don’t want to call it “shame.” Bryant, apparently, earned a “B-minus” when he needed a “B-plus” to remain eligible. That’s not shameful. That’s just failing to draw the kidney’s countercurrent exchange of ions correctly on the final.

Bryant and Tarean Folston both matriculated in 2013 as frosh of high toutage from Florida. But Bryant missed the last 10 games of 2013 after three games and three total carries (he was granted a medical redshirt). Last season he carried 54 times for 289 yards but was oft-criticized for picking and choosing holes to much, and for fumbling.

Folston, on the other hand, has been a beast. The stocky 5-10, 215-lb RB from Cocoa, Fla,, gained 470 yards on 88 carries as a freshman and last season had 889 yards on 175 carries.  He’s a bruiser who stays healthy. Folston will get even more touches this season, while C.J. Prosise, the slot receiver who “committed” offensive interference at Florida State, will open a lot of eyes as the backup. He’s a stud.

Bryant will have two more seasons of eligibility remaining should he choose to return. He’s not kicked out of school; he just can’t play in games this season. He can even practice.

2. Ten Angry Men

It may just be me, but if I’m going to watch 10 men on stage at the same time, there better either be two baskets involved or they should be doing an a cappella rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The GOP debate, airing on Fox News, is tomorrow night. I cannot wait for the moment when Donald Trump turns to Ted Cruz and says, “You’re fired!”

Meanwhile, our friend Matt Taibbi has created a drinking game for tonight’s event, which I do not recommend if you are trying to get dry. He will be live-tweeting the debate at @mtaibbi.

3. Jeepers, Peepers

Last night I happened upon Another Period on Comedy Central, a comedy of manners starring Michael Ian Black, Christina Hendricks (Joan Harris!) and Paget Brewster. It’s kind of a Downton Abbey/Keeping Up With the Kardashians satire set in colonial Rhode Island. Funny stuff, and MIB is quite  hilarious as the over-the-top obsequious butler.

Oh, and Sepinwall enjoyed it, too.

4. Gone Girl

This is Natalia Molchanova, 53, of Russia. She is the world’s most decorated free diver ever, with a total of 40 world records and 20 individual gold medals from the Freediving (great songs Tom Petty never wrote) World Championships. Or, should I say “was…?”

On Sunday Molchanova went for a “recreational” dive off the coast of Spain and has not been seen since. Rule No. 3,142: What goes down may not come up. Molchanova has been missing for three days and is presumed dead. When you lower yourself into a body of water to descend great depths, you may think of yourself as a world-class athlete. Then again, certain aquatic creatures may think of you as bait.

I’m sure some journalist will do a “deep dive” (too soon?) on Molchanova’s disappearance before long.

5. Lizard Man Returns

If you find yourself traveling through Bishopville, S.C., keep an eye out for this creature, who was photographed on Sunday. The local legend of Lizard Man extends back nearly 30 years, so of course this is not a hoax. Not at all. Where is Leonard Nimoy when you need him? Oh, that’s right. Sorry.

by John Walters

Happy 54th birthday to the President… although, how do we KNOW it’s his 54th birthday? Has anyone seen a birth certificate?

Starting Five

That’s the third cycle of Beltre’s career, tied for the most in Major League history.

1. Beltre’s Belt Way

Is hitting for the cycle an anomaly or an indicator of greatness? Some of the greatest hitters in the game’s lore never hit for the cycle, among them Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Pete Rose and Derek Jeter.

And yet a disproportionate number of men who have hit for the cycle are Hall of Famers. Between 1911 and 1960, by my count, 48 of the 95 cycles were hit by future Hall of Famers. In one glorious stretch in 1937, the two men who hit cycles closest to one another were Lou Gehrig and Joe DiMaggio.

Anyway, Adrian Beltre of the Rangers went for his third career cycle last night in Arlington versus the Astros. He hit a 2-run triple in the first (getting the difficult hit out of the way first), a double in the second, a single in the third, and a 419-foot home run in the bottom of the fifth.

Beltre finished 4 for 5 with 3 RBI in Texas’ 12-9 win. He becomes the fourth player in Major League history to hit for three cycles in his career (John Reilly, Bob Meusel, Babe Herman), but the first to do so since 1933. Which is, ya’ know, 82 years ago.

2. Money, It IS The Shoes!*

$15 million-plus per year for 13 years to wear one brand of shoes? How valuable will this contract be if the Rockets never advance to the NBA Finals?

*The judges will also accept “Happy Feet” and “My Adidas”

Reportedly, adidas is offering Houston Rocket guard James Harden $200 million over 13 years. Harden, 25, was the runner-up for the league MVP award last year (the players voted it to him, though). Harden’s chief talent is drawing fouls and growing facial hair.

Harden’s contract with the Rockets calls for him to make about $50 million over the next three seasons, so his adidas deal, if he signs it, would be in the same ballpark of $15-16 million per year.

3. Summer of….Hate

The moment of the fatal stabbing

Is it just me (or is it Twitter) or is everyone in the world a little angrier — and more violent toward one another — than usual? Above, a radical orthodox man stabs a 16 year-old girl taking part in a gay pride march in Jerusalem. She died from this wound a few days later.

I count four guns in this photo, if you include the one on his t-shirt.

Here, a man peacefully protesting the Confederate flag at Stone Mountain, Georgia, encounters a pro-Confederacy advocate armed with a pistol and a semiautomatic rifle. Two cops on hand, and neither has drawn their weapon yet in this photo.

Oh, and two men were shot in the parking lot outside the PNC Bank Center in New Jersey last night following a J. Cole rap show. According to a witness, they were speaking to a woman, making remarks about her body, and a third man stepped out of nowhere and shot them. Both are in critical condition (Am I a terrible person if I admit that I don’t really feel bad for these two?).

I think Mister Señor Love Daddy had it right 26 years ago when he advised, “Whoa. Y’all take a chill. You got to cool that shit off. And that’s the double-truth, Ruth.”

4. Miss Worlds

Besides the world records, Ledecky has perfected the “Water Bosa.”

Get ready for U.S. swimmer Katie Ledecky at next summer’s Olympics (thankfully, she will be swimming in a pool in Rio, not in the water outside). You’ll remember that as a 15 year-old at the London Games Ledecky won gold in the 800-m freestyle.

Yesterday at the World Swimming Championships in Kazan, Russia, Ledecky broke her own world record in the 1500-m freestyle. The six-footer, who will matriculate at Stanford next month (I think), now holds the world records in the 400-, 800- and 1500- meter freestyle. She’s got quite the Ironman career in front of her someday.

5. Adios, MotherFOXers

This photo has absolutely nothing to do with the story below. We learn a lot by reading The Big Lead.

Did you really think Jon Stewart was about to go gently into that good night? On the first night of his final week as host of The Daily Show, Stewart lit into his longtime nemeses, seeing their hypocrisy allegation and raising it. Here’s the video.

Music 101

Radiation Vibe

You may know Fountains of Wayne for “Stacy’s Mom,” but I love them for this earlier tune.  Just two nice boys who attended Williams College (I had to mention this before Dick Quinn wrote me a note to tell me that).

by John Walters

Great Dane (-ish ancestry). Taylor Swift’s BFF, Karlie Kloss, turns 23 today.

Starting Five

1. Creature Feature

I love that the Empire State Building did this on Saturday night. Easily the largest animals to be associated with the grand edifice since King Kong. And I’m praying they meet a better fate.

Cecil.

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all*

(and even if you don’t believe in ‘He’, they are the masterpieces of evolution. They need our protection. If you want to help, this is the site that Jimmy Kimmel mentioned for the organization, Wildlife Conservation Research Unit.)

2. 0:34

Rousey: “Say hello to my little friend.”

That’s how long it took Ronda Rousey to dispose of, well, I can’t remember her name, but that’s sort of the point, in Brazil on Saturday night in UFC 190. And that has been one of Rousey’s more interminable bouts. She’s Mike Tyson, reborn and with a sports bra.

The Pacquiao to Rousey’s Mayweather is Cris “Cyborg” Justino, who is Brazilian and attended Saturday night’s bout. The problem is that Cyborg fights for another label and at a weight class of 145 pounds to Rousey’s 135. ”

“I fight in the UFC, in the 135-pound division,” Rousey said after Saturday’s win. “(Cyborg)  can fight at 145 pumped full of steroids [she tested positive four years ago]or she can make the weight just like everybody else without them.”

Them’s…fightin’ words.

3. Tex-Mets

That Duda can rake

It’s August and both the Mess (tied) and Yankees are in first place? Who saw this coming?

The Mets, despited having the lowest run total in the majors, swept the Nats at Citi Field this weekend and so people in that borough are seeing waves of folks riding the 7 train now even before Serena Williams arrives later this month. Jacob deGrom (who autocorrects to “legroom”) and Noah Syndegaard are studs and suddenly I have an urge to shop at IKEA…or attend a weekday matinee game with Don Draper and Freddie Rumsen.

Meanwhile, Mark Teixeira smote his 29th home run and 74th RBI in a 12-3 win at Chicago yesterday. The Yanks went 6-4 on a 10-game road trip that concluded on Sunday and are 59-45. Tex, whom I thought was way over the hill, is now 3rd in homers and 2nd in RBI.

4. “Danger, Wil Robinson!”

HitchBOT will not be headed west.

This weekend in Philadelphia, the purported City of Brotherly Love, HitchBOT, everyone’s favorite itinerant robot, was beheaded (so THAT is where Walter Palmer has been hiding himself). HitchBOT is a robot that hitchhikes across countries –last summer it made its way across Canada– testing the good will of motorists.

“Sometimes bad things happen to good robots,” said one scientist affiliated with the HitchBOT project.

5. Anectodal Recall

People see you havin’ fun/Just a lying in the sun…. Shep, TCOB.

I had been meaning to see Supermensch, the Mike Myers-directed documentary on superagent Shep Gordon, ever since it was released in 2014. I finally did this weekend on Netflix.

Fantastic.

I don’t want to ruin a single anecdote for you — they’re tremendous — but do know that Shep, whose principal client, original client and best friend is Alice Cooper, crosses paths with Cary Grant, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Sharon Stone, Groucho Marx, Anne Murray and Teddy Pendergrass, not to mention that he is also responsible for memorable scenes in both Wayne’s World and Almost Famous.

Highly recommend it.