by John Walters

Robert Plant turns 67 today and he’s not even ready to put a down payment on a stairway to heaven. Happy Birthday! And we salute your 45-year commitment to long locks. You look like an elder statesman from House Greyjoy.

Starting Five

You have to admire the effort here.

1. Border Line Call

Is the Constitution…unconstitutional? Is Donald Trump….correct?

I’m not enough of a scholar to answer the first question accurately, but it may surprise you to hear that I agree with The Donald on his basic point: If you come to this country illegally and have a child here, I don’t believe that progeny is any more of a legal citizen than you are.

Now, as to what to do about it, I’m not sure (My top idea is to put a large velvet rope around the border and to initiate a password). And as to calling some illegal aliens “good ones” and “bad ones,” that’s not my cup of tea. And finally, to argue that America is going to hell in a basket of hands while also arguing that we need to keep out all these (brown-skinned) foreigners who’ll risk anything to be here is, well, can’t you see, a little bit disingenuous.

Buuuut….I do agree with the Donald that you shouldn’t be able to come here illegally, give birth, and call that offspring a U.S. citizen. If you steal a car and then get in a car accident, I’m not sure you should be able to sue the other person involved in the collision, either (Is that a poor analogy?).

Anyway, please clip and save for when all the tweeps criticize me for being a liberal.

2. “Oooooooooooooooooklahoma! (Drill)”

Putting the OU in OUCH

If you’ve played almost any level of organized football (and not received a participation trophy), you are familiar with the Oklahoma Drill. It’s where cockfighing and Thunderdome meet the gridiron.

I always felt there was a little coaching bloodlust and sadism to the drill, but I also recognized that there was no quicker way for a football coach to separate his necessarily violent players from his, well, wusses. Anyway, my old pal from SI, now at ESPN, David Fleming, wrote a wonderful piece about both the history and the importance of the Oklahoma Drill (which, yes, was developed in Norman). Highly recommended for any football fan.

3. Antarctica: The Next Saudi Arabia

Ice shelf? No, water reserve!

Oil and water may not mix, but if you’ve been watching the financial markets lately, they pretty much cost the same now. Actually, water is cheaper.

Look. This is the price of a gallon of Poland Spring water (I understand that tap water is free): $3.16 (it’s very Biblical). And this is the national average price this week of a gallon of gas: $2.72. 

What does this mean? It means that the first country to plant a flag in Antarctica may become the overlords of the 21st century. Yes, there is a U.N. treaty forbidding any one country from claiming ownership, but when has that ever stopped anyone (pilgrims, hint hint)?

4. Sick

Jared Fogle, who earned millions as the Subway pitchman, once was famous for losing weight. Now he’s famous for losing his dignity. The details are in this story but Fogle, 37, who was married bought child pornography and traveled to NYC to have sex with underage teenage girls multiple times.

He’s going away for at least five years.

Yesterday afternoon Subway put out tweets informing consumers that “Jared Fogle’s actions are inexcusable and do not represent our brand’s values. We had already ended our relationship with Jared.” 

I mean, I understand WHY they posted that tweet, but did anyone really wonder whether or not Subway endorsed this behavior the way Fogle endorsed their sandwiches?

By the way, I’m on Team Jimmy Johns.

5. Are We STILL Talking About______?

There’s a huge, huge realm of middle ground between the Cobra Kai and participation trophies. No one ever made an inspirational film a about a kid who sits on the couch picking boogers and watching Phineas and Ferb (although maybe someone should?)

Yes.

Sorry.

So this story appears in Deadspin yesterday, and so I feel compelled to make a few more points.

1) PLEASE: LOVE your children. Love them! That’s awesome. And let them be kids. That, too, is awesome. I know my parents let me be one. But you know what is 100 times better than a _______n _______y? You watching their games in person. Or, even better, you playing games with them.

I used to play my dad one-on-one in basketball every day of the summer. Every freaking day. At the time he was 50 and I was 20 (I am not making this up; he even let me win a few). Also, it was Tempe, Arizona. Outside. We still played.

2) Do not equate James Harrison taking a playoff paycheck when his Steelers lost to a PT. Why not? Because that loser’s share is his payment for the game. NFL players receive 16 paychecks per year, one per regular season game. They get no extra “salary” for playoff games other than those winners’ or losers’ shares. False dichotomy.

3) If you want to give your kid a PT, fine. Great. Go ahead. At the same time, myself and my friends have just as much a right to say we think there’s a better way. To each his or her own.

4) If you don’t want to rush your kids out of childhood, maybe delay their entry into organized sports. Yes, there is a TON wrong with organized sports for kids, starting with the fact that parents and adults are transferring their own egos onto how well a team performs. Got it. But maybe if your kid would rather pick dandelions than play right field, then he shouldn’t be in right field in the first place.

5) I honestly believe, and someone tweeted this to me last night, that you’d do your child a bigger service giving him or her piano or guitar lessons than hitting grounders to him. In terms of setting him or her up for adulthood. If it’s either/or, give me music.

6) I really should have a kid.

7) And lastly….the title of that Deadspin piece is “(Bleep) Winning.” Which, I hate to sound like Donald Trump, is exactly what losers say. Your 6 year-old does not need to be a “winner.” But does he or she need to be fooled into believing they’re a winner when they’re not?

Deadspin was built upon the page views of readers (and writers) whose envy of big-time athletes was extremely thinly-veiled. They’ve always been the cowards who snickered in the lunch room at the popular kids but never had the nerve to say it face-to-face.

For me, the single-most important moment in the history of that site was when Buzz Bissinger looked Will Leitch in the eye and said, “I gotta be honest, I think you’re full of shit.” And I like a lot of Will’s writing, but Buzz nailed it: Deadspin’s aim back then was not to bring fans closer to athletes, it was to humiliate athletes so that they could feel better about themselves.

Deadspin often does some tremendous stuff. Yesterday’s piece on Notre Dame and its campus cops was spot-on.

Music 101

Your Lyin’ Eyes

I had to watch that Eagles documentary last night. Again. Why? (note: Glenn Frey can be seen wearing two different Notre Dame shirts in the doc, even though he is a Motor City native). Beautiful harmonies (“Take It Easy”, “Peaceful, Easy Feelin'” and this sone) and great writing (listen to the lyrics here) are the reasons this band became a mega-phenomenon. They kinda come across as, except for Joe Walsh, guys you’d not necessarily ant to share a private jet with all the time, though. But they did know how to write hits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeNBspJGVko

This 1975 tune hit No. 2 on the Hot 100 Billboard chart and No. 8 on the Country chart –that’s so Eagles — and won a Grammy for Best Pop Performance by a Group.

Remote Patrol

Documentary Now!

IFC 10 p.m.

Tonight they’ll spoof Grey Gardens, but in a future episode they’ll actually have fun with the aforementioned Eagles doc. Now that will be fun.

Bill Hader and Fred Armisen spoof classic docs, co-written and produced by Seth Meyers. With tongue-in-cheek intros from Helen Mirren ( <–Uber Cougar). What’s not to like?

by John Walters

Reeva Steenkamp would have turned 32 today. The man who killed her will be released from prison later this week after having served a full TEN months in prison.

Starting Five

A-Rod’s 25th career grand slam now puts him two ahead of former Yankee Lou Gehrig as the all-time leader in that category.

1. This Is 40

The season of redemption continues. Alex Rodriguez, 40, has almost literally let his bat do all the talking this summer, as he and the Pinstripers are both surprising everyone. A-Rod’s seventh inning grand slam (“An A-Bomb for A-Rod”) rescued the Yanks from a 4-1 hole against Minnesota (Carlos Beltran hit a 3-run shot the night before as the Yanks trailed by the same score, in the same inning) and led them to their 5th win in six games.

New York, at 66-52, remains in first place. A-Rod, who hasn’t instigated a single back-page tabloid scandal all season, now has 25 home runs and 67 RBI, which is already ahead of any of the last four years (he did not play last year, of course).

It’s astounding how little news A-Rod seems to commit now that Derek Jeter has left.

2. Take Me To Church!

A fews days late, but if you still have not seen John Oliver‘s fabulous takedown of televangelism on Last Week Tonight, exposing how these charlatans prey on the devout faith of folks who mistake them as conduits for God’s work, you need to watch. 

At the end of the 20-minute piece, Oliver founds his own church (above), legally. Which is scary.

Almost every week Oliver and his staff put together a humorous version of a 60 Minutes expose that is powerful and simply astonishing. In a sense, they’re putting investigative journalists to shame. What I loved about this piece is that Oliver and his staff had been patiently working on it for seven months in order to illustrated just how crooked these men and women are. Fabulous stuff.*

*Also, thanks to HBO for allowing these bits to appear on YouTube. 

3. Don’t Look Back in Angkor*

The Temples of Angkor are nice and all, but I’ll still take the view driving into campus on Notre Dame Avenue myself.

*We’ll also accept “Oh, The Places You Should Go” and ” Coming in at No. 11: My Mancave.”

So, Lonely Planet recently released a book titled “Ultimate Travel: The 500 Best Places on the Planet” and among the sites not making the list: Gray’s Papaya on 72nd & Amsterdam (are they nutso?) and the Men in Blazers Panic Room.

You can see more on LP’s site.

Lonely Planet‘s top ten: Angkor Temples (need it), Great Barrier Reef (got it), Machu Picchu (need it), Great Wall of China (got it…not to be confused with the Grant Wahl of China, which was an idea I had for the Beijing Olympics in which SI‘s Grant Wahl would provide updates on the soccer…that idea was shot down), Taj Mahal (need it), Grand Canyon (got it), Colosseum (got it), Taj Gibson (just seeing if you were still paying attention), Iguazu Falls (need it), Alhambra (unless they’re talking about the high school in Phoenix, need it) and Aya Sofya (need it).

I’ll take this view, thank you, on a mid-October day.

Up next: Lonely Planet’s guide to “Best Places to Take A Photo to Put on Your Match Profile”: 1) Pyramids 2) Machu Picchu 3) Anywhere you happen to be kissing a dolphin.

Isle of Skye. Prit-tee, prit-tee good.

My personal, no kidding, place you should see: Isle of Skye, Scotland.

4. Yvonne Craig’s List

Wait, are you telling me Commissioner Gordon’s daughter was also the woman in the purple skin-tight outfit? Whhaaaat?

Farewell to Yvonne Craig, who memorably played Batgirl in the third and final season of the wonderfully droll and subversive Batman TV show of the mid-Sixties. As a kid, I didn’t quite realize I was watching a comedy until a few years later.

Craig passed away from lung cancer in Pacific Palisades, Calif. (hint: that’s pretty swank), earlier this week. She was 78. Pretty amusing anecdote herein as to how she was “discovered.” A formally trained ballet dancer, Craig would also land a role as “Onion Slave Girl” in an episode of Star Trek, another iconic show of that era.

Oh, wait, what?  “Orion Slave Girl.” Never mind.

Craig, who later got into real estate brokerage, also appeared in a pair of films with Elvis Presley.

Sadly, what The King is really thinking about at this moment is how badly he is jonesing for a peanut butter and banana sandwich….which is actually quite good for you.

5. Heavy Mettle (Cont.)

The armed combat participation trophy

A few more thoughts on participation trophies before we go….

— The people on Twitter who chide you for spending too much time debating any issue (this, Cecil the Lion, etc.) because we should be discussing items of more gravitas and who then return to discussing their Fantasy draft or whether Oklahoma is a sleeper pick to win the Big 12 this season? Shaddup.

–If I have to pick between living in a country of people who don’t cotton to participation trophies and those who do, I am most definitely picking the former.

–A friend on Twitter made the argument yesterday that a trophy for a child at that age is positive reinforcement for sticking it out. Is there negative reinforcement for not sticking it out? Why are we rewarding people for not quitting? Isn’t that the baseline? It’s a little like Chris Rock’s great rant about African-Americans wanting credit for “what you’re s’posed to do!”

— In the end, isn’t a trophy supposed to represent an individual standing out from his peers? Isn’t it just that simple? If everyone gets a trophy, then no one does. And how does that translate to you loving your child any less than someone who does believe that his kid deserves a trophy for not being special?

Anyway, enough on that. Susie B., I’ll wait for your measured and succinct response.

Music 101 

Ticket To Ride

Missed the anniversary, but 50 years ago last Saturday the Beatles played Shea Stadium (Don Draper took Sally; she was ecstatic). This was the 5th song of their brief, 11-song, 30-minute set. Because of the outrageous crowd noise and primitive speaker system, John, Paul, George and Ringo could not even hear themselves playing and had no idea whether or not they were in harmony or in time with one another. All those gigs in Hamburg must’ve helped here.

No way to just pick one emblematic Beatles song. We’ll have more later. But this has always been one of my favorites, a wistful tune that you can actually play on your six-string without too much effort. The below video was from April, ’65, at Wembley.

How big were the Beatles in 1965? This was the third of SIX No. 1 Billboard hits they had just in that year alone.

Remote Patrol

The Searchers

TCM 10 p.m.

Some people consider this John Wayne’s best western. Others consider it the best western. Still others prefer Marriott to Best Western. Who’s to say? It’s John Ford directing the Duke in Monument Valley, and the kidnapped girl is Natalie Wood. It’s a movie that pulls no punches about the harsh American west, and includes the most iconic closing image in western-dom.

So, yes, if you were paying attention, we referenced Bruce Wayne and John Wayne today. 

by John Walters

The Sundance Kid turns 79 today. In the early ’70’s he was Brad Pitt AND Leo rolled into one: The Sting, The Great Gatsby, Three Days of the Condor, All The President’s Men, The Way We Were, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. Robert Redford was THE movie star, and yet he never won an acting Oscar (Best Director, Ordinary People,…although he did an even better job directing A River Runs Through It)

Starting Five

Bobby’s unheatlhy obsession with winning a trophy led to an eating disorder in which he found it impossible to properly place food into his mouth.

1. Nontroversy Alert: Participation Trophies

The first year I played organized sports, in 4th grade, our basketball team went 0-10. I started at point guard.. I didn’t earn a trophy and I didn’t want one.

Two years later, playing the same position, I started for a team that went 26-1. And even after all that we only earned a trophy because we won our final game of the season.

What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, perhaps.

I wasn’t playing organized sports at the age of five or six, but had I been, I’d probably have wanted a trophy. But I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have really known what it meant. At that age I also wanted hot fudge sundaes for dinner (okay, still do) and a pet stegosaurus.

Here’s what James Vance, a legend in the D.C. area in broadcasting, had to say about this whole kerfuffle. I largely agree with him (although I think the entire issue perhaps takes a back seat to, you know, just about everything). And The Brady Bunch actually tackled this entire quandary 44 years ago.

2. Cub Scouting

The Friendly Confines have come a long way since last winter…

For those of us not paying attention (raises hand), the Chicago Cubs have the 4th-best record in baseball…and yet are still mired –oh, they are soooo mired —in 3rd place in the National League Central. Chicago, after a 10-game win streak was halted Sunday by The Elongated Man (Chris Sale), finds itself at 67-49. Only the Cardinals (76-42), Pirates (69-47) and, outside their division, Royals (71-46), have better records.

This could only mean one thing: I’m truly struggling to find items this morning.

What all four of those teams have in common? Excellent pitching. They’re all in the top seven, and two of the other teams ahead of them have the best starting staffs in the game: Dodgers and Mets.

Rizzo is “only” earning $5 million this year and next, but will an average of $11 million per in the five years after that.

The studs are pitcher Jake Arrieta, who leads the club in Wins (14), ERA (2.39), Strikeouts (163) and WHIP (0.99), and 1st baseman Anthony Rizzo, who leads the North Siders in Batting Average (.296), Home Runs (23), RBI (68) and OBP (.407).

A Cubs-Pirates wildcard game? Cool. But hopefully it’ll be in Wrigley…

3. Too Much Talent

When you can cry onscreen for a major motion picture at age six….

That was C.J. Sanders at age six, playing a young Ray Charles in the music biopic Ray (you may recall that Jamie Foxx won a Best Actor Oscar for playing the older version of the blind musician in the 2004 film).

And this is C.J. Sanders now, a diminutive (5-8) but explosive freshman wide receiver at Notre Dame. Sanders has been turning heads (and ankles) at camp with his speed and moves and could be the team’s top punt returner. His dad, Chris Sanders, played three seasons at Ohio State before heading into the NFL for seven years while his stepdad, Corey Harris, was a star at Vanderbilt who played 12 NFL seasons.

Sanders’ mom played hoops at Michigan. Expect the Showtime crew to find this kid and quick.

4. Ahead of the Pack

Course officials noted that the zebras may have been bandits

What does Africa have an abundance of? Two things: the world’s greatest distance runners and the planet’s most incredible wild life (no thanks to you, Walter Palmer, you incredible douchebag). Anyway…

….this is the best idea you’ll hear about all day. The Maasai Mara Marathon in Kenya is a distance race that is committed to raising money for schools and for conservation in the region. This year’s race was held this past weekend (it’s somewhat of a misnomer as the longest distance is actually a half marathon) and as you can see, the wildlife gets involved (though, you know, where grazing animals are running, there is often a big cat in pursuit…your Pumas cannot outrun a puma). But DO sign me up for next year. This sounds incredible.

5. Trump’s Immigration Problem: Sexy Beast

Possibly because the first time I saw it was on the evening of September 10, 2001, I am sometimes guilty of forgetting just how (bleeping) incredible the movie Sexy Beast is. Ben Kingsley as the Jack Russell Terrier in human form named Don Logan should have won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor on his work here alone, but when you contrast it with the character he played in Gandhi, they should have created an entirely new category for him: Best Portrayal of a Character Who is the Polar Opposite of a Character You’ve Already Portrayed.

I mean, just watch these scenes…

And why does this pertain to Donald Trump’s “just build a wall” solution to illegal immigration (and, to be fair, he’s not alone…even NFL coaches agree with him). Because it doesn’t address the cause, it only addresses the outcome. As long as the root cause of illegal immigration exists, Mexicans (and Guatemalans, and Panamanians, etc.) will still find a way to arrive illegally in the U.S., no matter how big you build that damn wall. Why?  Well, let Don Logan (with an assist from Ian McShane) tell you…

Which is to say, after you’ve spent a week in Mexico — and not Cabo — and then spent a week here, you’ll understand that people will find a way to get here, wall or no wall, because there is “a (bleeping) will” and as long as there’s that, there’s “always a (bleeping) way.”

Music 101

Fix You

I thought Coldplay would be even bigger after their first two albums, but perhaps they’ve sort of peaked. As memorable as songs such as “Yellow” and “The Scientist” are, I think this 2005 tune, their “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” may wind up being their signature tune. It only reached No. 18 on the U.S. charts, but that didn’t keep Aaron Sorkin from recognizing its potential. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m95qHOmoUXs

Remote Patrol

Navy SEALs: Their Untold Story

PBS 8 p.m.

Did you know that the SEALs started in World War II and played an active role in D-Day? Me neither. Worth watching.

by John Walters

Happy 57th to Belinda Carlisle! Nobody went from quasi-punk rock girl to Wilson Phillips-y pop confection quicker than you.

Over the weekend MH celebrated its 3rd birthday. It was not a Yuuuuge deal, as our friend Donald T. would say. Not quite an extravaganza….more like a vaganza. 

Starting Five

1. Day In and Day Out

After shooting a 20-under par 268 in the PGA Championship at a course named Whistling Straits (such a perfect hoity toity golf name that you’d swear David Feherty made it up) in a state named Wisconsin, Jason Day of Australia was bequeathed the trophy above and the child below.

Only eight months until golf’s next major…

2. Straight Outta Compton

NWA’s starting five

No, this is not a trailer for Fear the Walking Dead. It’s for Straight Outta Compton, only the 2nd biopic this summer to employ Paul Giamatti as an overbearing, ultimately evil manager of an L.A.-based music act.

The story of N.W.A. (“Nuclear Weapon Arsenal?”) hit the theaters this weekend and came in No. 1 at the box office, illustrating Hollywood’s dire under-representation of black superhero movies. The film made $56 million in its opening weekend..meaning we’re either going to see a Straight Outta Compton 2: South Central Boogaloo, or a film about Tupac titled All Eyez on Me. 

3. Sky Diver Down

Tragedy at the Chicago Air & Water Show yesterday, as Army Sgt. 1st Class Corey Hood collided with another sky diver during a 13-man routine and then struck a building. Hood, 32, died in the accident. The other man, a Navy diver, suffered a broken leg.

4. Fill ‘er Up

Apparently, there’s nothing to see in Kansas.

The good folks at Outside magazine found the 64 Best Towns in the U.S.A. and then created this interactive map to invite you to explore them. I can vouch for Red Bank, N.J. (place of birth; no plaque yet…bummed) and Santa Fe, N.M. (lived there a year). A few towns that did not make it and should’ve: Bend, Ore. and Eugene, Ore.; Boulder, Colo. and Ouray, Colo. Minneapolis. Saratoga, N.Y. and Ithaca, N.Y. Feel free to suggest your own.

5. Tillery Time?

Tillery, back at Evangel Christian High in Shreveport

Notre Dame starting senior defensive tackle Jarron Jones was lost for the season over the weekend after tearing his MCL in practice. That’s a big blow for the Fighting Iriah and, of course, Jones. The “Next Man In” may be true frosh Jerry Tillery, a 6’6″, 315-pound prodigy from Shreveport, La., who also had a 3.8 GPA in high school. Tillery committed to Notre Dame long ago but still took official visits to LSU, Texas A&M and…Dartmouth (someone should’ve chronicled that visit with video).

Tillery has the face of a teddy bear, but all accounts from the Irish coaching staff are that he’s a total stud.

Town did not like the City of Angels

Ricky Town Outta Tinseltown: In other football news, former 5-star QB Ricky Town of Ventura, Calif., who famously decommitted from Alabama in order to attend USC, has decided to transfer just two weeks into training camp (For the record, Ricky did not make Outside‘s “64 Best Towns” list, which seems rather cruel). Town graduated early and early-enrolled at USC, but must never have felt comfortable in that pocket. Town, too, is now Straight Outta Compton.

Wondering where he will land. Town must now sit out for a year before he can play anywhere.

Music 101

Rikki Don’t Lose That Number

(unless it’s Steve Sarkisian’s number)

There are few songs that capture the mood of summer in the Seventies better than this Steely Dan classic. It peaked at No. 4 in the summer of ’74, the band’s top charting hit of its career. As the decades roll past, Steely Dan only grows in stature.

Of course, if the song were written today, it might be titled, “Rikki, Just Save That Number On Your Smartphone.”

Remote Patrol

AFC Bournemouth at Liverpool

NBC Sports Net 2:55 p.m.

The visitors are one of the best stories in all of sports. After decades and decades as a lower division club, one that almost went bankrupt twice, Bournemouth has finally graduated to the English Premier League. Their “stadium” seats just 11,000, or about half what the next smallest stadium in the EPL sits. This, as far as I know, is the Cherries’ first moment in the American television spotlight. As one tweep noted, “It’s like Bangor, Maine, getting an NFL team.”

by John Walters

Happy 49th to Halle Berry. Like Charlize Theron, she won on Oscar after appearing in a film with the word “Monster” in the title, but kinda more because she’s hot and Hollywood appreciated that whole “But I’m a thespian” ‘tude.

Starting Five

Odds that at least one of these humans are named Duncan, Taylor, Chelsea or “Bakes” are high.

1. Straight Outta Hampton

It’s referred to as “Tinder for elites,” a dating app for the young, beautiful and successful. It’s called The League and it was started in January by a Stanford alum (of course) named Amanda Bradford. Two Saturdays ago it held an invite-only party in Montauk that Mischa Barton (“The O.C.”) attended.

The League launched in New York City back in May and had 30,000 applicants, but only accepted 7,000. It’s the dating site equivalent of trying to get into Stanford or Harvard for people who got into Stanford or Harvard.

2. Green Monsters

The Irish Should invite former tailback Mark Green along as their sideline captain

Yesterday Notre Dame unveiled its Shamrock Series unis for the November 21 game in Fenway Park versus Boston College. The Eagles, by the way, get access to only 5,000 of the 40,000 or so tix since it is technically a Notre Dame “home” game (about 5 miles from B.C.’s campus).

If you’re going to play in the shadow of the Green Monster (albeit at night), you have to become green monsters, I guess. Both teams will share a sideline. Also, Brian Kelly produced the squad’s first made-for-Showtime moment of the season yesterday.

3. Up in The Air

I’ve never flown Singapore Airlines, so I will say that the best carrier I’ve ever flown is Emirates (Cape Town to Dubai; ooooh, look at me!). Today they announced the world’s longest non-stop flight, from Dubai to Panama City. The flight time is supposed to be 17 hours and 35 minutes. Are that many people traveling to Panama City?

Personally, I don’t see why a little layover in the Canary Islands would hurt, but I’m not flying this bird.

4. Troll Ide

Some outstanding football trolling came to light yesterday, both at the FBS and NFL level. Above is an inset of the Baylor team photo, snapped earlier this week. Note the linemen situated next to one another wearing numbers 61 and 58. The Bears came from 21 points down in the final 11 minutes last October to defeat TCU, 61-58. It was the Horned Frogs’ only loss of the season and kept them from a berth in the first College Football Playoff.

Then, last night in Detroit, for the Jets-Lions preseason game, Ford Field’s musical director played “Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weekend as the p.a. announcer announced that Geno Smith was inactive.

5. Is Dane Great?

Yes, an item on an exemplary white QB whom nobody on the next level believes in on Tim Tebow’s birthday. Ain’t life grand?

Dane Warp stands 6-4, 190 pounds.

He is a high school quarterback who has thrown 78 touchdown passes, for 8,407 yards, while completing 65% of his passes.

He is on pace to break his state’s prep career marks in TD passes, yardage and, in basketball, points.

He has a 4.0 GPA.

The problem is that Dane Warp plays for Havre (Mont.) High School, which is at least 500 miles from anywhere. He has yet to field a single Division I scholarship offer. Diamond in the rough or the world’s largest fish in its smallest pond? Or are those the same things?

Music 101 

Wedding Bell Blues

Yet another classic song written by Laura Nyro, one of the most gifted songwriters ever (she was rightfully inducted into the R&R HoF a few years back). The tune, put out by The Fifth Dimension, hit No. 1 for three weeks in November of 1969. Coincidentally, lead singer Marilyn McCoo was engaged to backup singer Billy Davis, Jr., hence the fun had here in the stage performance (note to Bill: you were seriously over-chicked)

. A standard in the Walters wood-paneled Chevy station wagon in the early ’70s.

Remote Patrol

Marx Brothers Marathon

TCM 8 p.m. 

Three of their very best, beginning at 8 p.m. with Monkey Business, followed by Horse Feathers (which skewers college football in a way that is about 80 years ahead of its time), followed by Duck Soup. “If I had a horse, I’d horsewhip you.”