by John Walters

“Longstanding Canadian game show host who turns 75 today….”

It’s All Happening!

Would you be able to survive a Trump attack?

1. Trumpnado!

We always knew the Trump was lethal, but in the Summer of ’15 we learned just how much. Mexicans, POWS, Lindsey Graham. No one is safe! Do not dip your toe in the political waters. Is it safe to run for president yet?

2. 93,226

Unofficially, the most people ever to see a soccer match at the Rose Bowl in which no one revealed a sports bra

Does Los Angeles want pro football? Well, yes, if it does not include helmets and shoulder pads (or Roger Goodell). More than 90,000 jammed the Rose Bowl last night to watch the world’s greatest professional team, F.C. Barcelona, square off against the MLS’ Los Angeles Galaxy.

(Sure, but a lot of them were probably Latinos, so not “real” Americans). Barca, the current La Liga and UEFA Champions League champions, won 2-1 and Luis Suarez (the biter) scored.

This Saturday Barca plays Manchester United (Wayne Rooney) in Santa Clara and then next Tuesday they face Chelsea (the EPL side, not the former –and future?– president’s daughter) in Washington, D.C.

Of all the European acts touring the U.S. this summer, Barca is the one most in its prime.

The sad thing? The world’s premier player, Lionel Messi, did not make the trip. Which is a lot like seeing U2 without Bono.

3. Welcome to Baltimore!

The Orioles game has been postponed

This could be a downtown view of Baltimore…or Boston…or New York City… in 100 years and, let’s face it, in most cases that would be an improvement. Dr. James Hansen, the former top scientist at NASA and now an adjunct professor at Columbia, has just published a paper (with 16 co-authors…geez, I only needed seven on The Same River Twice) that projects sea levels will rise 10 feet in the next 50 years.

“We conclude that continued high emissions will make multi-meter sea level rise practically unavoidable and likely to occur this century,” Hansen and his co-authors wrote. Something to think about as you climb into your Dodge Ram pickup this morning.

We’ve all been warned. We’ll all ignore — and then shout at someone, “How did you let this happen?!?”

Your grandchildren will enjoy summering at the beach in Allentown, I just know it.

As this map suggests, we’re all moving to Omaha…

4. Infinite Jester

I had a chance to catch a screening of the new film about the late author David Foster Wallace, The End of the Tour, last night. If you’re nerdish about writers and the interviewing process — the story revolves around the few days that a Rolling Stone writer who receives no counsel from Lester Bangs spends with Wallace on a book tour — then you may enjoy this. There are no Marvel characters or The Rock or even anything that is fast or furious.

As a reporter, I enjoyed watching the “faux” relationship between Wallace, played sublimely by Jason Segel, and writer David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg). When you are sent out to profile a subject, it is by definition a person who is greater than, or has done more with his life, than you have. So it is inherently a relationship between unequals. The more gracious interview subjects, as Wallace was here, recognize that fact and do not exploit it. But many do.

In the end, Lipsky comes off as a much worse person than Bill Miller ever did, though, to Lipsky’s credit, he is the one who chronicled all of this, so he acknowledges it. Good stuff.

By the way, the attractive blonde in the film is Sting’s daughter, Mickey Sumner.

And here is a clip of David Foster Wallace appearing on Charlie Rose in 1997, so you can glimpse some of his essence.

5. Wedding Crasher

(I’m sorry for this headine, and at the same time I’m not)

The plane’s fuselage was deep in the bush, no photos. And there are no pics of the pilot. But this is his friend, whose name is Klondike Hughes. I couldn’t resist.

Last weekend Michael Zagula, 54, of Trapper Creek, Ala., decided to do a flyover of his daughter’s wedding reception. It did not turn out so well.

Music 101 

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

In our continuing series — “How White People Usurp African Music” — we present one of the most spectacular poachings not involving white rhinos. The song was originally penned in the 1920s by Solomon Linda, a South African singer of Zulu heritage, under the title “Mbube” (“lion” in Zulu), then it was covered by a whole bunch of people, and then the English doo woo group The Tokens added some lyrics in English and took it to No. 1 in the United States in 1961.

My personal rendition, dedicated to my roomie, is “The Kitty Sleeps Tonight (and This Morning and This Afternoon)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtxPdkzmk_4

 Remote Patrol

Sharknado 3

SyFy 9 p.m.

I’d have more faith in President Cuban if he could hold on to free agents and CEOs…

by John Walters

Happy 116th birthday to Mariel Hemingway’s grandpa.

Starting Five

It turns out X=7. Always. Who knew? 

1. Mathletes!

The International Mathematical Olympiad was staged last week — you probably watched in on NBC — and for the first time in 21 years, the USA won.  (Thanks a lot, Obama).

*Also note: no girls on the team.

Congratulations to Shyam Narayanan, David Stoner, Ryan Alweiss, Michael Kural, and the Liu tandem, Yang and Allen. Also, to coach Po-Shen Loh, who would have been a great name for a 70’s soul outfit. Your MIT acceptance letters are in the mail, gentleman. Now you may go back to hacking the server.

2. Goodbye Time

This will be the most popular topic of conversation at your local Cracker Barrel or Stuckey’s (Do they still have Stuckey’s?) this morning.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are getting a divorce. Those pained smooches at Country Music Awards shows were getting more and more uncomfortable to watch. And I’m not even talking about their manufactured affection. I’m talking about he’s 6’5″ and she’s 5’4″.

Sources tell MH that he’ll get Christina Aguilera in the settlement and she’ll get Adam Levine.

3. Tut Tut, Putt Putt

Ty Webb would have buried that putt, but he only measures himself against other golfers by height, so what would it matter?

Here’s what I noticed: Jordan Spieth had a quite sinkable putt, especially for a dude who has already won two majors this year, on 17. But he got a case of the yips and missed it.

One hole later is playing partner, Jason Day, had a more difficult putt. Day’s day was done, he knew that the best he could finish was third. So, with no pressure on him, Day sank the harder putt. That’s golf.

Some people think Spieth’s four-putt double bogey on the 8th hole yesterday cost him The Open and a shot at a grand slam. I say it was his Under Armour fleece. Who wears a fleece during a sporting event? You know who? NOT the Green Bay Packers!

Zach Johnson won the British Open. Nobody’s happy about it.

4. Florid-Duh* (Special Ursine Edition)

Rule No. 32: Let sleeping bears lie.

We’ve all been there. You walk into a garage, not necessarily your own, and you spot a 20-pound bag of dry dog food. So, of course, you eat all of it. And it’s hot outside. And humid. So you need a nap. And then someone snaps an embarrassing photo of you and writes a story about it that goes viral (and why do they need to mention your color, i.e. “black bear?” Haven’t we gotten past that in America?) while someone else coins the term, “Florida Bear.”

5. The Protege

That’s Becky Hammon, former WNBA player and current assistant coach of the San Antonio Spurs. She just coached the Spurs’ summer league team to the Las Vegas league championship.

It was a humbling experience for all of us,” championship game MVP Jonathan Simmons told NBATV of playing for Hammon. “I really love her, and I’ve only known her a couple days. She’s a real cool coach. She’s a player coach. That’s something we all like.”

Even when he is breaking barriers, Gregg Popovich cannot be stopped. Well done, SAS.

Music 101

Gloria

When I saw U2 on Sunday night at MSG, they played this 1981 release as their second song. “This is a song we don’t play enough,” Bono announced, and I agree. They don’t look like this any more, but they still sound like this (highly underrated: The Edge’s backing vocals). If you have a chance. go see U2. Even better than the real thing.

by John Walters

Julianne Hough turns 27. She’s beautiful but I’m loathe to share any spicy gossip with her. Why? Because she can’t keep a Seacrest.

Starting Five

The driver of the red truck actually ran from the scene into the woods, but was soon captured.

1. Relative Dangers

The internet exploded after this video of Mick Fanning being inspected by a shark surfaced (as did the shark… “surfaced,” that is; not “exploded.” What do you think this is, Jaws?). Anyway, I get the fascination, but not the concern.

On the same day that Fanning “survived” the shark attack in South Africa — arguably the best thing that has ever happened to pro surfing — four young women were killed in Long Island when the limo they were riding in was broadsided by an allegedly drunk driver. The irony being that the women were on a wine tour of the North Fork of Long Island and had hired the limo so that no one would be put in a position of driving while impaired.

Brian Kilmeade of FOX News, who actually gets paid to opine on air, wondered why we can’t “clear the waters” of sharks — at least where surfing competitions are held — so that no people will be harmed.

ZERO Americans died from shark attacks in the continental USA in the past two years. Four women died in Long Island on Saturday due to a drunk driver attack — and arguably bad judgment by the limo driver. The point isn’t that sharks and drunk drivers are connected. It’s that the relative fear over sharks is so irrational while the relative apathy toward drunk driving is so jarring. But I guess it’s easier for us to see monsters that we do not ourselves become.

2. “Do You Know Who I Am? I’m Moe Greene!”

R.I.P. to Alex Rocca, 79, who played Moe “There’s No ‘Eye’ in” Greene in The Godfather. This scene not only includes Al Pacino and Robert Duvall, but two of the best character actors you’ll ever see: Rocca and John Cazale as Fredo Corleone.

Moe Greene never played defensive tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I felt that I should add that.

3. Holding On For a Hero

The item is about Trump, but it’s also Giselle’s birthday and both I and Trump would rather look at a photo of her.

I think Donald Trump confused “hero” with “winner.” They’re not the same.

Then again, Donald owned the news cycle on Sunday and if it weren’t for a certain shark, he’d have it all to himself. Trump may not have much character — a five-time deferment even opining on someone else’s Vietnam service is laughable — but he certainly is one helluva character. He’s crazy like a (that thing atop his head).

4. “Duck Season?” “Wabbit Season?” “Earnings Season!”

Gordon says Hi

The economy is relatively healthy (sorry if you don’t have a job; sorrier if you have two), China and Greece fears have subsided, and lots of companies are announcing quarterly earnings in the second half of July.

You heard me mention Netflix last week — up 26% in just one week leading up to earnings announcement. Google rose 30% in the week or so leading up to and including its earnings.

Both stocks have returned slightly back to earth today, but both have done very well in the past fortnight. And it’s not as if either was a dark horse entering the month.

As my friend Eric says, “Buy on the promise, sell on the news.”

How does this help you? Apple (AAPL) reports tomorrow, as does GoPro (GPRO) and Chipotle (CMG). Amazon (AMZN) reports after the bell on Thursday. My guess is that all four will be up at least 10% dating from their lowest point a week ago through at least two days after earnings. And that’s a conservative estimate.

Do your own research. But I’m rolling the dice with Apple and Amazon.

5. Putting the “O” in Dodger

Greinke’s wife, Emily, whom he met in high school, is a former Miss Daytona Beach and former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Yes, I am totally and unapologetically TBL’ing it today.

Orel Hershiser: 59 consecutive scoreless innings in 1988.

Don Drysdale: 58 consecutive scoreless innings in 1968.

And now Zack Greinke, who is at 43 2/3 consecutive scoreless innings.

All three, Los Angeles Dodgers.

Grinch’s next start is Friday against the New York Mets, who have the NL’s lowest batting average and have scored its fewest runs. Yesterday the Mets were 1 for 25 with RISP before  scoring the winning runs in an 18-inning affair at St. Louis, albeit versus baseball’s best team.

I see the Mets scoring off Greinke in the first 3 innings, probably with their pitcher getting the RBI.

Music 101

Betcha By Golly, Wow

They don’t get enough credit today, but The Stylistics were Philly R&B in the early Seventies. This song made it to No. 3 on the Billboard chart.

by John Walters

Slap on an extra splash of Sex Panther. It’s the man who played Ron Burgundy’s 47th birthday.

Starting Five

Jenner changed the conversation. Heroic, maybe, but savvy, definitely. Also, there’s that civil suit about the fatal car accident pending.

1. Miss Opportunity

Just four days after approximately 38,000 people tuned in to watch the Miss USA Pageant on Reelz (“Trump always has had a bad relationship with things that end in ‘-z’ ” one comic noted), ABC reeled in a monster audience, I assume, with an ESPYs in which the star was Caitlyn Jenner.

While I may be cynical about why ESPN gave Jenner its Arthur Ashe Courage Award, the presentation of it was slick, right down to the narration of the intro segment by Jon Hamm, who once played a character named Don Draper, who once famously said, “If you don’t like what people are saying, change the conversation.”

Draper, by the way, also spent most of Mad Men living his life under an assumed identity.

But Caitlyn did change the conversation, and bully for her. Six months ago she was skulking out in public in a hoodie, an ambassador of shame. And then she realized, What do I need to feel ashamed of? I’ll change the conversation. She spoke to Diane Sawyer, who has a ton of pull at ABC/ESPN. And then the ESPYs happened.

Here’s my favorite thing of what Jenner said last night, and it came near the end of her speech: “If someone wanted to bully me, well, u know what, I was the MVP of the football team. That just wasn’t going to be a problem. And the same thing goes tonight: If you wanna call me names, make jokes, doubt my intentions, go ahead. Because the reality is (camera cuts to Richard Sherman, listening attentively), I can take it. But for the thousands of kids out there coming to terms to being true to who they are, they shouldn’t have to take it.”

2. Hail, McHale

Comedian Joel McHale, who is as far as I know the first former FBS football player (U-Dub) to host the ESPYs, had a killer opening monologue. Not quite Norm Macdonald-level, but very strong. McHale was tepid at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2014, but he has learned.

My favorite line: “Gronk is nominated in the category of Best Comeback, which he thinks is for when he said, ‘Oh yeah? That’s not what your mother told me last night!'”

3. Summer Getaway in the year 2253

Pluto has ice and mountains. Outside magazine is already working on a “10 Best Things to do in Pluto This Summer” piece.

“Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my closeup!”

Look at you, Pluto! All geological and stuff. Neptune is so last millennium.

Ralph Kramden: “To the moon, Alice!”

Buzz Lightyear: “To infinity and beyond!”

New Horizons: “To the last stop in our solar system…unless you really don’t believe it’s a planet.”

Of course, now we discover that Pluto did not want these photos posted on the web. It’s both dwarf planet-shaming AND, since Pluto was dumped by the solar system a few years back, revenge porn. Oh, well. On to the next planet…or galaxy.

4. Speaking of New Horizons

Is Piper on the phone with her broker?

Netflix, the stock that is a lot like the crime rate in New York in the Rolling Stones’ “Shattered”, announced second-quarter earnings yesterday after the market closed. In the time since — and the opening bell is just minutes away as I type this — the already “overvalued” stock by some estimates has risen 11%.

If you had bought Netflix AFTER the last earnings report in April, AFTER the stock shot up $70 and more than 15%, you’d still be up, this morning, about 35% since then. The stock is going to open at around $109 per share after its 7-for-1 adjusted split, or at about $763 per share in Monday dollars. Not bad considering it closed last night at the equivalent of $699.

5. One Major Down, One To Go

Garrett: You can take some people away from FOX News, but you can’t take the FOX News away from some people.

On the eve of golf’s UK major, another Major, Major Garrett of CBS News, scolded POTUS for being “content” to make an arms deal with Iran while there are still four Americans imprisoned in that country (one word: Vietnam). Anyway, Bill Maher has since called him a “Major Asshole” (which, granted, is what a lot of people have called Bill Maher).

It’s totally cool to ask any politician, POTUS included, the tough questions. It’s another thing to pretend to not understand how negotiations with foreign countries work or to ignore that leaders have to act in the best interests of the most citizens. There was a good way to ask that question. Using the word “content” was not the way.

Music 101

Never My Love

How can you think love will end/When I’ve asked you to spend your whole life with me

I’m not sure, but it may be a sad commentary about your author that the first band to make a second appearance on MH’s Music 101 is The Association. And, yet, I don’t care. This band epitomizes the late Sixties, which is when life and I first met and started our whirlwind romance. Come for the cheesy lyrics, stay for the ethereal “da da da da’s.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjessON4Uo4

Remote Patrol

Tour de France, Stage 12

NBC Sports 8 p.m.

These people are living a better life than I am this summer. Your mileage may vary.

Unlike cancer, you can survive the Tour de France beyond Stage 5. Good to know…. Three hours of coverage. I just like watching cyclists pedal through the Alps (or Pyrenees). I’m not in Seine. Nor are they, by definition.

by John Walters

alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Diane Kruger! Now how do I hold up three fingers in Deutschland again?

Starting Five

Baseball’s next legend

1. Big Pond, Bigger Fish

The Angels — and Millville, New Jersey’s — Mike Trout leads off the All-Star Game with a home run to the opposite field off Zack Greinke and leads the American League to a 6-3 victory (Game 7 at Minute Maid Park!!!!) while earning his second consecutive All-Star Game MVP award.

Trout is 23.

He is also the 196th-highest paid player in the bigs. That’ll soon change.

2. Other Notable Performances from Cincy

Chapman: Coming to a contender near you before the trade deadline.

The Mets’ Jacob deGrom strikes out the side on 10 pitches. deGrom whiffed Stephen Vogt, Jason Kipnis and Jose Iglesias.

Royals outfielder “He don’t mind, he don’t mind, he don’t mind” Lo Cain was the only player with two hits. Cain singled and doubled in three at-bats and had one RBI.

The Reds’ Aroldis Chapman pitched the ninth at his home park. Chapman threw premium unleaded: 14 pitches, 12 of which were clocked at above 100 m.p.h. The Cuban emigre also struck out the side.

3. A Rose By Any Other Game…*

Rose is 74 and if he wants to wear cowboy boots he can go right ahead

*We will also accept “Pete Rose to the Occasion” and “Cincy Stopped By, We Might as Well Honor Him”

Hey, who’s that guy on the infield before the All-Star Game? And in the booth for Fox? Why, it’s Charlie Hustle himself, the Hit King, 4,256, Pete Rose.

The only downer was that Rose took both the American League and the Connecticut Sun in a two-team parlay and the Sun lost at home to the Lynx.

4. He’s Kilian It

Kilian Jornet: a legend in his own clime/climb (See what I did there!)

Just eight days after winning the Mount Marathon Race in Seward, Alaska, in record time, Spain’s Kilian Jornet won the Hardrock 100 in the San Juan mountain range in southern Colorado. The latter race is a 100.5 mile ultra that begins and ends in Silverton, Colo., and involves 33,992 feet of vertical climb (and descent!) which, yes, is higher than Mount Everest.

Kilian Jornet, kind of a stud.

Of course, he’ll receive less attention than the dude who finished the race ONE SECOND before its 48-hour cut-off.

5. Going Radio GaGa Over LiveAid

Ready, Freddie?

I blew it. Monday marked the 30th anniversary of LiveAid and I forgot to mark it here (my apologies, Day of Yore imperial wizard). I don’t want to overstate it. It wasn’t Woodstock — not that I’d know — but it was an auspicious gathering, on two continents, of most of the most amazing rock acts who were relevant at the time.

Highlights: Queen’s return from exile/irrelevance, and U2’s coming-out party with Bad, in which Bono told the world, Yeah, I have charisma and we’re gonna be here awhile (and I don’t care if you think it’s over the top). Intro by Jack Nicholson, by the way.

I mean, Freddie Mercury and Bono on the same stage in one day? That’s rock and roll history in terms of showmanship.

Under-appreciated (by history) performance? Dire Straits (with an assist from Sting), who were never bigger than they were in July of ’85.

Music 101

Layla

Remaining with the LiveAid theme, here’s Eric Clapton and Phil Collins’ performing Slow Hand’s classic love letter to George Harrison’s wife from Wembley.

Remote Patrol

There’s nothing on tonight. Yes, I see you, Norby.