by John Walters

Happy 58th, Marge Gunderson….

Starting Five

Rap City in Blue

1. Mora Money, Mora Problems

The score after P. Diddy allegedly assaulted UCLA strength & conditioning coach Sal Alosi following a Bruin training session on Monday afternoon: Reality 1, Ballers 0.

Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory has now been replaced by Sean Combs with the kettlebell in the coaches’ offices. And now what does Justin Combs, a 5’7″ red-shirt junior defensive back who rarely sees playing time anyway do? Transfer? Stick around? We are all just lucky Suge Knight has no sons who play football.

2. Gone Girl!

It’s so refreshing to profile a fast woman who’s not currently appearing as The Bachelorette

That’s Candace Hill, whose 100-meter time, unlike Nigel Tufnel’s amplifier, does not go to 11. Last weekend Hill, who just finished her sophomore year at Rockdale Magnet  School for Science and Technology in Conyers, Ga., ran a 10.98 in a meet in Seattle. She becomes the first U.S. high school girl to run a sub-11.00 100.

Letting her hair down

To put Hill’s feat into perspective, that time would have won an Olympic gold medal in every Games prior to 1984. Moreover, Hill has a weighted 4.50 GPA in high school. Meet America’s next great sprinter.

3. The Time of Your Lifetime

A Deadly Adoption: The Sharknado of summer 2015

With lines such as “Please don’t make me shoot you again!”, the Lifetime movie A Deadly Adoption earns the network’s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger seal of approval. The gag here is that it stars Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, who play the entire script straight. The funniest aspect of the entire film is that they never once wink at the camera to share the joke.

Okay, was it as funny a collaboration between the two as this was? And was there a scene in which they cut to Tommy Lee Jones not being amused?

Here’s Rolling Stone’s list of their 10 favorite Lifetime movie tropes that the film adhered to. Spoiler Alert on speed dial.

4. Jim Class

Carrey, Coffee, Comedy

One of my true life heroes, Jim Carrey, is the current guest on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. It’s not so much about his comedy; it’s more about Carrey’s “get-it” factor in terms of his approach to life. Stay tuned to the end when he brings Jerry to his art gallery.

Best exchange comes early when Carrey tells Seinfeld that he used to own a McLaren, but that he found it to be too much car for him. “Now I drive a Tesla,” the environmentally aware Canadian tells his automobile addict host.

“I like burning things,” Seinfeld tosses out offhandedly.

“And we love breathing what you’re burning, baby,” Carrey retorts.

It’s extremely rare to see Seinfeld encounter an intellectual equal, but he has done so here.

5. Where Every Night Is Caucasian Heritage Night

Diversity Night in Orem: Blonde AND brunette!

It reads like an article from The Onion. The Orem (Utah) Owlz, a Rookie League minor league baseball team, schedule a “Caucasian Heritage Night” and claim it’s a joke. You know, they’ll serve sandwiches on Wonder Bread and air clips from Friends. 

Except that, I mean, have you ever been to Orem? The people are whiter than the bases. So the joke sort of falls flat. It’s like Miami Beach hosting a “Cheeseball D-Bag Night.”

The team’s media relations director, Joey Zanaboni (sure, he’s from Orem), stepped down after only two weeks on the job when the team refused to relent on holding such a night. Then, after the web went all nutso about it, the Owlz have since canceled the promotion.

So Joey was right. Take heart, Joey. You were never meant for Orem (2 to 1 odds he attended either Fordham or Seton Hall). Continue westward to Vegas where your cousin Sal already has that job lined up for you parking cars at the Tropicana.

Although, as someone noted in Comments, claiming that you’re not racist after coming up with an idea such as Caucasian Heritage Night would seem like a fundamental aspect of a Caucasian Heritage Night.

Music 101

Romeo and Juliet

You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin/Now you just say Romeo oh yeah you know I used to have a scene with him.

Long before Taylor Swift placed Shakespeare’s most storied couple in a song, Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits did so. This band always got respect, but it never got the love it deserved until a later album, Brothers In Arms, was released in the summer of ’85 and Money For Nothing ruled the airwaves. But a lot of the Knopfler loyalists consider this tune from 1980 to be his magnum opus: don’t let the tepid applause from the studio audience from Fridays dissuade you. That was not the crowd to appreciate this tune; it’s a more Unplugged type of ditty.

Remote Patrol

Jimmy Kimmel Live

ABC 11:35 p.m.

All the years Hamm waited tables in L.A. thinking to himself, How does a guy THIS handsome not find work? Think about that, A.J.

A few weeks ago I finally got around to subscribing to NetFlix (you win, Katie) and the only TV I’ve watched in that time, practically, are old episodes of Mad Men (I saw at most 20% of the first four seasons). And so my gast is flattered by just how compelling a character Don Draper is (yeah, I knew, but I didn’t really know, you know what I mean?).

So? Well, I love Jon Hamm because while playing one of the most intriguing characters in TV history, he seemed to have never taken himself too seriously. In an exit interview with the New York Times after the season finale, Hamm noted that the last time he saw his cast mates, he told them, “See you all on The Love Boat.”

Anyway, Hamm makes what is as far as I know his first public TV appearance since the end of MM tonight with Jimmy Kimmel. Not that I’ll see it live, but maybe one of you can tell me about it.

by John Walters

Starting Five

It’s Dustin Johnson’s 31st birthday today. Somebody give him a hug….

1. Noooooooooooo!

Dustin Johnson misses this four-foot putt on 18, which would have put him into a Monday playoff with Jordan Spieth. Johnson’s lovely parting gifts include his son (it was Father’s Day, after all) and his smoke-show fiancee. Spieth, only 21, has now won two majors this year with two remaining.

2. True Defective?

True Detective, Season 2: It’s no Castle

The second season of True Detective, which takes place in Los Angeles, premiered last night on the HBO. Most everyone panned it. Talk about The Leftovers.

3. Surfin’ Safari

In Huntington Beach, Calif., — check out that as-advertised June Gloom weather — a Guinness World Record is set for most people on a surfboard. I don’t have the precise number of people, but I hear it was “two girls for every boy.”

Note: It is officially the slow time of the news cycle. We should all be on vacation.

Note 2: It was actually 66 people, the board was 42-feet long, and they rode for the required minimum of 10 seconds. I want to know who paddled to catch that wave.

4. Death on the Pitch 

Ackerman was 25

Here’s your heartbreaking Father’s Day story: James Ackerman, a player for the Sunshine Coast Falcons in the Australian Rugby League and a father of two, died after being tackled in a match against the Norths Devils in the Queensland Cup on Saturday.

Ackerman, 25, suffered a head injury after being tackled by Francis Molo, 20, just five minutes into the game. Ackerman two days later, Monday in Australia, at a hospital in Brisbane as the game was canceled.

5. Mad, Max?

Did Tabata have enough elbow room to avoid being plunked?

Rule 6: In baseball, every game brings an opportunity to see something you’ve never seen before.

Washington Nationals’ ace Max Scherzer is one out away from a perfect game — and Scherzer would’ve been the first pitcher with heterochromia to throw a perfecto — but instead strikes the Pirates’ Jose Tabata on the elbow. Tabata not only didn’t make an effort to avoid being hit, but he somewhat leaned into the inside pitch.

Scherzer still picked up the no-hitter, but meow, that hurts. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the next time Tabata faces Max. I think he’ll make the next HBP memorable.

Music 101

Only In My Dreams

As real as it may seem/It was only in my dreams

Bubble-gum pop never was more sugary than in this No. 4 hit from the summer of ’87 by Debbie Gibson. Who cares if there was never a solid follow-up? We loved this song. Stay tuned for the cheesy mid-’80s saxophone solo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IivGqwQvdCI

Remote Patrol

Women’s World Cup: USA vs. Colombia

FS1  8 p.m.

After shocking France, 2-0, in group play (the French are ranked third in the world by FIFA, behind Germany and the USA), Colombia meets the Yanks tonight in Edmonton in the Round of 16. Lose and you’re out. Thunderstorms expected. We’ll see about colossal meltdowns.

by John Walters

Starting Five

The governor of South Carolina does not have the authority to even lower the flag to half-mast. Only the state’s General Assembly does — and they didn’t.

1. Dixie

Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton/Old times there are not forgotten

But maybe they should be. Or perhaps they should not be celebrated as much.

We are taught in school that the defining element of the United States of America is freedom, but the longer one lives, the harder that is to believe. I think the defining element of this country, or at least one that is just as pronounced as freedom or democracy, is slavery and its aftershocks.

That a man whose own ancestors helped usurp a country from its previous inhabitants would have the audacity to tell a roomful of African-Americans, “You’re ruining our country; you have to go…” well, there’s just a whole lot of ignorance and hypocrisy there. And those victims’ ancestors, well, they never asked to be here in the first place. At least not to be brought here the way they were.

Gun issue. Race issue. Mostly, it’s an American issue. You bring people here in chains and then you free them but still try to keep them down for the next century (and beyond) afterward, and then you wonder why they just can’t “behave” like everyone else? And what were the people who were killed actually doing that was so destructive to society? Oh, right, praying in a church.

There’s a large segment of Americans, too large a segment, who actually believe that the “white” in America is more than just a color on the flag. It isn’t. People better get used to that.

A step in the right direction? Taking down Confederate flags at state houses. You wanna fly a Rebel flag? Go ahead, that’s your first Amendment right. But why any state government would choose to do so knowing what it symbolizes for so many is a little strange.

2. Dixie (Cont.)

Here’s Jon Stewart’s masterful opening of The Daily Show last night.

And here’s Charles Pierce in Esquire.

In New York City, where whites and blacks and Asians and Hispanics and Arabs and Indians interact each day (I know I do), familiarity breeds comity, I find. Last night I was on the Uptown 2 express train. It stopped at 42nd Street. Three black women boarded and there were two free seats next to me, but not three.

Two of the women sat down, and one was left standing. I said to the lady, “Would you like my seat?” And she looked at me and in a blunt but not unfriendly way, she said, “That’s okay; you’re getting off at the next stop, anyway.”

And I laughed. And then she laughed. See, we both knew that I’m a white guy of a certain age who is not a hipster, so I was most likely getting off in the heart of the Upper West Side (72nd St) and not continuing on to Harlem. And so the four of us had a nice little conversation.

When the train stopped at 72nd, I pretended for as long as possible that I was NOT getting off there. Then, just before the doors closed, I smiled at them, said, “You were right,” and left. And they laughed.

3. Star 80

Three-time U.S. Open champion Tiger Woods shoots an 80 in the opening round at this year’s edition in Chambers Bay, Wash., then blows off the coolest Floridian I know, Fox’s Charles Davis, for a post-round on-camera interview (Tiger did attend the presser, to his credit).

It was seven years ago this June that Tiger won the last of his 14 majors at this very tournament in Torrey Pines, Calif. He was 32 years old.

Of the 156 golfers who played Thursday’s first round, only two, Rickie Fowler (81) and Rich Barbarian, Jr., shot worse scores than Woods, who will almost certainly be headed home on the G-5 after today.

4. FIFA Flop

Roth, in a personal financial hole, resigned himself to play Blatter in the film

Dig it: If you’re going to title a film United Passions, why not make it a porn flick set on a jetliner? Instead, you’re FIFA, and you make it about soccer and it becomes the lowest-grossing film in U.S. box office history. It earned $918 at the box office last weekend, or only a scant few dollars more more than I earned at the cookoutateria.

Worse, it stars Tim Roth, who actually appeared in not one but two classic Quentin Tarantino films. C’mon, honey bunny, let’s get out of here.

5. Step Children

If you know anyone who owns a Fitbit, you know that they become a little obsessed with out-walking their friends who also have one. The product is figuratively a Police song: It monitors every step you take. What has made the wearable such a success is that it combines fitness with showing up your friends. You can out-Mandelbaum people you know on a daily basis.

The product went public yesterday at $20 and is already up about 65% (warning: If I were someone who shorted stocks, this would be a prime candidate) to $33. Fit Bit: The perfect gift for your step-father this weekend.

Remote Patrol

True Detective

Sunday, HBO 9 p.m. 

I would never expect it to be as good as the Rust Cohle-Marty Hart inaugural season, but the reviews portend a sophomore slump. Vince Vaughn, Colin Farrell, Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch. Maybe we should all just walk hand in hand into extinction. One last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal. Don’t fret, Nic Pizzolatto. Harper Lee never even produced a follow-up.

by John Walters

When you turn 73, you damn well believe in yesterday.

Starting Five

1. Charleston

“Terrorism” or “Hate Crime”? Does it matter? Nine people are dead after a gunman opened fire during a prayer service at the Emanuel AME Church. It’s all ignorance and fear, anyway. I’ll just point out that the killer, Dylann Roof, allegedly told the victims that they are all “rapists” and that they “have to go,” while just two days earlier a certain billionaire announced his presidential candidacy and circled another minority group whose “rapists” have infiltrated our borders.

Too politically charged? You decide.

2. Brian’s Swan Song

Now writing tags with Johnny Mathis…

NBC announces that it is keeping Brian Williams but that he will no longer be its Nightly News anchor. Instead, he has been demoted to MSNBC. It’s like when Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce “welcomed” Don back but then had him write tags for Peggy Olson’s Burger Chef account. On the other hand Williams is slated to make $10 million per year for the next five years. Do the work, Don.

3. Between Two Trees

Our friend Moose, who occasionally cracks our list of “Top 10 Blonde Canadians” (who don’t all have to be blonde or necessarily Canadian) recently purchased a hammock. The suspended animation has given her time to reflect on a lot of things. She offers “10 Lessons from the Hammock.”

4. Bank > Banks

I lost HOW MUCH?!?

San Antonio Spur legend Tim Duncan alleges that he lost approximately $20 million to former financial advisor Charles Banks between the years 2005-2013. That’s approximately 15% of his career earnings. I’m sure the irony of his advisor’s surname is not amusing to The Big Fundamental today.

5. Stephanie on the March

March: Northwestern alum

New on the market: Stephanie March, former Law & Order SVU D.A., whose marriage to Bobby Flay is ending (is he still after Ari Gold’s wife?), and Charlize Theron, who has split up with Sean Penn.

Music 101

Band on the Run

Well the rain exploded with a mighty crash/As we fell into the sun

Birthday boy Paul McCartney recorded the entire album of the same name in Lagos, Nigeria, with just his wife, Linda, and musician Denny Laine. This tune topped the charts and deservedly so, in April of 1974.

Remote Patrol

The New High: Extreme Sports

CNBC 10 p.m.

Medium Happy fave Amelia Boone sits down with Quintanilla during the show.

Host Carl Quintanilla examines the growing fascination with “purposeful suffering,” a topic I’m all too familiar with. I ride the subway every day.

Looks Like We Made It….to 72 years old. Happy Birthday, Barry Manilow!

Starting Five

Iguodala narrowly edged eight Kansas City Royals to be named Finals MVP

1. Night of the Iguodala

A man who did not start during the regular season, Andre Iguodala, scores 25 points in Golden State’s Game 6 clincher and somehow 7 of the 11 Finals MVP voters are moved to bequeath the award to him, never mind that LeBron James became the first dude ever to lead both teams in points, rebounds and assists in an NBA Finals. Stephen Curry, the league MVP who was outstanding throughout, including 37 points in Game 5, garnered zero votes.

And I’ll note that before Game 6 ESPN.com ran a story whose hed was “LeBron May Go Down as the Greatest Loser Ever.”

But the big story (supposedly) is that Golden State wins its first NBA championship in 40 years and so now they’re off to visit Trump Tower for the presidential congratulations.

More on this from our Maryland-based correspondent later, I’m sure….

2. Lady and The Trump

The Trump stump speech

“When did we ever beat Japan… at anything?”

Well, I’ve got World War II and Apple computers, but go on….

The jokes are easy, but don’t laugh off Donald “I’m really rich” Trump, who declared his presidential candidacy yesterday, so quickly. Unlike his other 11 or so GOP candidates, the Donald has charisma. And he’s long been comfortable in front of a camera.

Sure, it’s funny to hear Trump say that he’ll be the best jobs president ever after having said, “You’re fired” more than anyone in the history of television. But he’s a combative, irrepressibly arrogant and candid breath of fresh air in the race. A blowhard, sure. But a breath of fresh air.

The big questions: Will he still be allowed to own the Miss USA pageant and would he re-decorate the exterior of the White House in all gold and glass?

I see Taran Killam playing Donald next fall. SNL’s writers got the greatest gift of all.

3. Arch Enemies

Hackman played for the Cardinals from 1999-2003. What more evidence do you need?

The FBI, the same organization that brought you Sepp Blatter’s head on a platter, now is investigating the St. Louis Cardinals for allegedly hacking the computers of the Houston Lastros. This is like sending spies to infiltrate the government of Andorra, but whatever….

The Cards currently have baseball’s best record (43-21) and have been to four World Series in the past 11 Octobers.

4. Howl at the Screen

Admittedly, reenacting Seven Brides for Seven Brothers proved difficult

If Alan had his “one-man wolfpack” in The Hangover, well, the Angulo kids were a seven-man wolfpack in lower Manhattan. The Wolfpack is the TRUE story of an immigrant family, the Angulos, who home-schooled their six sons and one daughter and pretty much confined them full-time to their four-bedroom apartment. The children learned about life by watching movies and then reenacting them.

I agree, this is an amazing story: An immigrant family affording a four-bedroom apartment in Manhattan!?!

Anyway, the film won the Documentary Grand Jury Prize at Sundance and is now playing in cool cities where people spend nearly double the price of a monthly Netflix subscription to see a single film in a theater.

5. Stand and Deliver

That’s 6’5″ Aussie Owen Wright, moments after scoring a perfect 20 on a wave at the Fiji Pro. It’s only the seventh time a perfect 20 score has ever been accomplished in the World Surf League. You can watch his ride here….

Music 101

Private Life

Before scoring the title theme for The Simpsons and most of friend Tim Burton’s films, Danny Elfman was the lead singer of a New Wave punk band named Oingo Boingo. This song was released in 1982 or ’83 in what was the height of the New Wave era.

Remote Patrol

You’ve just had four straight nights of NBA and/or NHL finals. Go outside and look at the stars. Or vote for a Kansas City Royal.