Starting Five

“I’ll get Tommy Trojan over here and then we’ll see how tough you guys are.”

1. A.D. Hoc Committee*

(The judges will also accept “PH Unbalanced?”)

For posterity’s sake: Late in the third quarter, USC kicks a 25-yard field goal to forge a 10-10 tie with Stanford in Palo Alto. Then the Trojans are penalized five yards for “delay of game,” for not respecting that white space that rings the field. Coach Steve Sarkisian barks, so he earns a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (my guess is both flags came after repeated warnings about both).

Then Sarkisian claimed that USC was not delaying the game, but instead saving its cousin from drowning. Then, on the ensuing kickoff, from its own 15, USC loses a starter when Hayes Pullard is ejected for targeting. On the very next play, from USC’s 47, Stanford QB Kevin Hogan fumbles and USC recovers.

Responsible for fewer calls, if not passes, dropped

By this time someone on the USC sideline has already texted athletic director Pat Haden, a member of the 13-genius Selection Committee panel, and told him Stevie has poopy pants. Whatever. So Haden puts down the crab puff and hustles down to the sideline to be Sark’s champion in Trial by Combat. Meanwhile, the 3rd quarter conveniently ends –remember, USC has the ball again–and Haden, a Rhodes Scholar, commences to do something very dumb: advocate for his coach (“Fight on!”), during the game, with ABC’s cameras there.

Now, first, the genius who texted Haden, or the person who ordered that genius to text, is mostly at fault here. Second, by the time Haden arrived USC had already gotten the ball back and it wasn’t as if any of those three calls were going to be reversed, so what was the point of bitching? Third, big ups to Stanford for its in-game in-stadium mobile phone reception. Methinks The Tree is actually a cell phone tower. Finally, I don’t agree with my friend Dan Wolken that Haden needs to resign from the Selection Committee. I am heartened, though, that all the simpletons who thought a 13-member panel of enlightened post-hormonal geniuses and an expanded “playoff” would bring greater clarity –not to mention an improved product–are so quickly seeing the folly of their idea. It was always stupid. This weekend’s hi-jinks just prove as much.

2. Medium Happy 8

Incorrigible Utes: Only A&M has scored more points than this Power 5 (vomit at the term) school that remains unranked.

Not to be confused with the AP Poll, where Utah, a school that apparently some voters have yet to realize is in the Pac-12, is not ranked despite beating Idaho State 56-14 and Fresno State 59-27. We’re not saying the Utes are even the best school in the Beehive State –No. 25 Brigham Young probably is– but how come they are not ranked while five one-loss teams are?

Our Top 8:

Texas A&M: Aggies have beaten a ranked team on the road, in a nationally televised Thursday night game, and are averaging 62.5 points per game, the most of any team that has played two games.

Oregon: Defeated No. 7 Michigan State with 28 unanswered 2nd-half points and are averaging 54 points per game.

Auburn: Have now covered 13 straight games —McMurphy’s Law–and have been the most impressive squad in the Tuscahasseeburn Triangle.

Oklahoma: Sooners have outscored opponents 62-3 in first half, which at this time of year is indicative of a focused team.

Florida State: The Seminoles should be No. 1, but they certainly have yet to play that way. Boredom? Self-satisfaction? This is a team that appears to be guilty of shellfish behavior.

Baylor: Only school in nation in the top ten in both Scoring Offense and Scoring Defense. No, the Bears haven’t played anyone. Most teams haven’t.

In their last scheduled meeting, Jaylon Smith and Notre Dame handed Michigan its first shutout defeat in365 games.

Georgia: Dawgs only 1-0,  but look even better after Clemson crushed  foe without hap, 73-7.

Alabama: Tide were a 42-point favorite. Led 41-0 when game was called in fourth quarter due to lightning. They are the anti-Auburn.

By the way, this weekend’s games are miserable. Georgia at South Carolina is the only one halfway worth watching, and I think the Doggies, off a bye week, will roll. Go out and run a half-marathon instead or something.

3.  You Can’t Spell ‘Crisis’ Without ‘Isis’

No joke: these are members of ISIS’ all-female brigade.

Intolerant of any religion or ethnicity that is not their own and hiding behind hoods and robes. Whom does ISIS remind me of….?

Anyway, The Obama appeared on “Meet The Press” yesterday and announced that he had hired Chip Kelly to go on offense against ISIS, or something like that, and that he will also lay out a “game-plan” in a nationally televised address on Wednesday.

Personally, I’ve always enjoyed this splice of footage from the 1994 Whit Stillman film Barcelona as a tactical and dynamic U.S. foreign policy.

4. Rice Capades

From KO to OK in one easy press conference? Not so fast.

As my pal Arash “Guest List” Markazi tweeted, “seeing is believing.” The video of Ray Rice tossing a compact left hook at his then-fiancée, Janay Palmer, and knocking her out, obtained today by TMZ, puts this entire ugly affair in a new orbit.

Who saw this video –the NFL, the Ravens, the police?–and yet still only put Rice in a pre-trial diversion program and gave him a two-game suspension. The NFL is claiming it only just saw the elevator video today. If that is true, then maybe it’s time to give Rice at the very least an 8-game suspension. Worse, of course, is that prosecutors did not seek jail time against Rice. Untenable position.

As for you and me? If the NFL does not at least further punish Rice, let’s stop watching and attending games. At least for a weekend. Come on, America, I know you can do it.

Finally, yes, I don’t know why seeing the video should amp up the rage so exponentially. How did we think she came to be knocked out? The logic on this is solid, but the truth is that the video changes everything. It eliminates any doubt.

5. Ali Baba and the Sept. 18 IPO

Get ready, home-gamers. Ali Baba, the Amazon.com of Asia and much of the rest of the world, will have its initial public offering (IPO) on September 18. The price range is expected to be $60-66 and I’d be surprised if it wasn’t above $100 per share by Christmas.

A quick note on high-profile IPOs.

GoPro (GPRO) (June 26) $28……….Today: $61

Twitter (TWTR) (Nov. 7) $26……….Today: $51

Facebook (FB) (May 18, 2012) $45…..Today: $78

Chipotle (CMG) (Jan. 26, 2006) $22….Today: $677

There are, of course, many more companies that file for IPOs and whose stock plummets afterward. My point is that these are some of the more high-profile IPOs of the internet and Twitter age, when everyone can MMQB these companies. I didn’t even note Google or Apple or Pied Piper (!), but they’re all highly, even exponentially positive. I think Ali Baba (BABA) will go the same way. Besides, I’m going to like, as an investor, being known as BABA Walters.

Chipotle (CMG)

Starting Five

“Raaaaaaaiinnnnn”

1. Is Adam Done?

August (and everything after) of 1993. I’m newly installed in Birmingham, Ala., as Sports Illustrated‘s designated SEC reporter. It was just like being David Halberstam covering Vietnam in Once Upon a Distant War, only different.

I drove everywhere. Never flew, not between Birmingham and Baton Rouge. Even drove back to B’ham from Fayetteville and only got a ticket in the last 1/4-mile of that seven-hour drive: running a red light at 4 a.m. right outside my apartment complex.

It was the best autumn of my life. Befriended a college freshman at the University of Florida who would go on to be Greg Auman (I don’t know what his name was at the time). And through all those miles –and I guess I should be ashamed–there was no CD I listened to more often than the Counting Crows’ August and Everything After. Twenty- one years later, and I can basically hum the entire album start to finish. (Feel free to never return to this blog again, you feel so sorry for me)

Which doesn’t make me cool. But who were we ever fooling?

The critics LOVE to hate CC. And maybe they even have a point. But I’ll always love that debut album (and for the record, my LEAST favorite tune on it is “Mr. Jones.” If you’re asking, my top three are 1) “Anna Begins” 2) “Rain King” and 2) “A Murder of One.”

Anyway, they’ve got a new album out —Somewhere Under Wonderland (blech! title) –and played on Seth Meyers’ show last night. I have no idea if it’s any good. The songs probably have allusions to rain and California and Elizabeth, and I really don’t care if Adam Duritz looks like Sideshow Bob, I liked that first album. It’s probably too much to expect this one will capture my imagination again,  just like it’s probably too much to expect to feel like I’m 26 again.

By the way, here’s a new song, “Earthquake Driver.” And, no, I have no idea how much Duritz weighs these days.

2. McMurphy’s Law

“Auburn has covered the football game! Auburn has covered the football game!”

Our friend Brett McMurphy, the most intrepid mustachioed college football reporter we know of, works at ESPN (even though his daughter has way better on-camera chops). Anyway, on Wednesday Brett tweeted out that Auburn has covered in 12 straight games.  “If you’d put $100 on 1st game & let winnings ride each game, you’d have nearly $410,000,” Brett tweeted.

Let’s see $100 x 2 = $200, $200 x 2= $400, $400 x 2= $800, $800 x 2= $1,600, $1,600 x 2= $3,200, $3,200 x 2=$6,400, $6,400 x 2=$12,800, $12,800 x 2= $25,600, $25,600 x 2=$51,200, $51,200 x 2=$102,400, $102,400 x 2=$204,800 and $204,800 x 2=$409,600.

Eureka! He’s correct.

As Pete Rose says,  “Looks like I picked a bad week to make a push to get reinstated by MLB.”

Meanwhile, that’s great and all, but who has the cojones do double-down on the Tigers eleven times in a row (someone yells, “Charles Barkley!“).

Auburn is a 31-point favorite versus San Jose State at home this weekend. War Eagle!

3. Non-troversy Alert

Yes, that’s Mo’ne Davis signing an autograph for Yasiel Puig last night at Dodger Stadium.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think rabid sports fan and Philly native Geno Auriemma had an ulterior motive when he phoned Mo’ne Davis to congratulate  her on her performance at the Little League World Series. The 8th grader had already mentioned during the LLWS that her dream is to play hoops at UConn and besides, the Huskies have won four of the past six NCAA championships, and nine overall, under Geno.

But some school phoned the America Athletic Conference, Connecticut’s conference, to complain. Oh, when the name of that school gets leaked (Say it ain’t you, Muffett). That’s going to be an interesting game.

Meanwhile, Davis threw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium last night. She’s no dummy–she opened for Clayton Kershaw, who picked up his 17th win of the season.

4. Zach’s Rules of Cool

It was a bad first date but eventually Mark”Rat” Ratner did get the girl.

My friend Zach (last name Zacher) was always the coolest guy we knew in high school. I mention this because Men’s Health has just released a “Five Signs You’re On the Worst First Date Ever” (No. 4, your date’s nickname is “JDubs”). They offer advice on how to avoid these pitfalls, but really, all you have to do is follow “Zach’s Rules of Cool:”

1. Listen more than talk. 2. Smile, don’t laugh 3. Make eye contact 4. Be cool.

(Number 5, my add, is “No sausage-y foods.”)

Anyway, hope that helps. Although, it does help to have witnessed a crackling good first date yourself. My friend Jamie Reidy wrote the book that led to the film that led to this scene. This is as good as first dates get.

5. AC/DC Song: Attempted Murder

How could he be guilty? He wears his girlfriend’s name directly about his heart. Oh, wait, that’s not his heart.

I haven’t been following this too closely, but apparently “War Machine” has been arrested in Las Vegas and is facing 32 different felony charges, including attempted murder. So you don’t like Aussie blues-rock, Mr. Law Man, fine, but I think this is a little harsh.

What, hunh? Never mind.

Starting Five

Eastern Michigan’s cinder fellas. Shouldn’t they be running through that wall, anyway?

1. Nobody’s Awesome

The best team in college football iiiiiiiiiis…meh?

No. 1 Florida State, the defending champion with the defending Heisman Trophy winner, was up 17-0 at one point versus Oklahoma State but was then outscored 31-21. The Seminoles were nearly punished by the gods for forsaking their resplendent garnet-and-gold unis, but held on to win 37-31.

No. 2 Alabama endured their first of what should be many “Spaulding, get your foot off the boat!” moments between Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin while holding on to defeat West Virginia, 33-23.

No. 5 Ohio State trailed at halftime versus Navy. No. 7 UCLA led Virginia, 21-10, at halftime, but had not scored an offensive touchdown. The Buckeyes and Bruins both won, but did not dazzle.

Western Kentucky’s Brandon Doughty completed 46 of 56 passes for a Week 1 best 569 yards and 6 TDs (and no INTs) as the Hilltoppers beat Bowling Green, 59-31.

No. 6 Auburn was tied with Arkansas at the half.

No. 3 Oregon romped, but allowed 13 first-half point to South Dakota.

No. 11 Stanford looked great, leading 38-0 at the half–but versus UC-Davis.

This was the highlight, and lone play, from the lightning-storm shortened FlorIdaho game. And yes, his name is Showers.

Here at Medium Happy, where we bequeath the Red Grange Award and will also do a Weekly Top 10 rankings are based entirely on a team’s performance and not preseason polls or what we expect them to do. As opposed to Bleacher Report, which kept Clemson (45-21 losers in Athens) and South Carolina (52-28 losers at home) in its Top 25, while failing to include a Cowboy team that lost only by 6 to the No. 1 team.

Note: Early season rankings are very fluid, as they should be.

1) Oklahoma 2) Texas A&M 3) Stanford 4) Michigan State 5) Georgia 6) Oregon 7) Florida State 8) Arizona State 9) Auburn 10) Alabama

2. The Daily Harrumph!

Some hacker apparently stole Kate Upton’s modesty over the Labor Day weekend.

Ricky Gervais is right.

Yes, people like you and me (well, not me) may take nudie pics, too, but there’s no value in those to the general public. So, yes, maybe you should be smarter about that if you’re someone who may normally appear in US Weekly.

Justin Verlander’s physique. Now I know why his ERA is up near 5. Get thee to a Cross Fit, JV.

Yes, as Ricky said, it’s 100% the hacker’s fault. Doesn’t mean we cannot have a laugh.

Spare me the scolding, Chrissy Teigen. Your wealth derives entirely from people looking at photos of you semi-naked. As does your friend’s. So now you’re upset because it’s not you or she who controls how those pics are released? Stop. Yes, those are private pics and your pal Kate has a right to feel violated. Fine. But don’t tell us how to react to it.

3. Neo-lithic

Reeves can elude bullets, but time is trickier.

Keanu Reeves turns 50 today. Whooooooa.

So, let me ask: Does this mean that if Reeves’ age goes below 50 from here on out, he will explode?

Here’s our boy as Johnny Utah. Always loved this film.

4. Death at Burning Man

I’ve never attended the Burning Man Festival in the northern Nevada desert, but this year a record 66,000 people did. The reason? A sensational African-American female pitcher. Never mind.

Anyway, for the first time that we know of,  not everyone made it back alive. Alicia Cipicchio, 29, an art gallery manager from Jackson, Wyoming, was struck and killed by a vehicle after midnight. The vehicle was a double-decker bus bedecked in white fur and dubbed Shagadelica. Yeah, baby.

5. Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

Watt’s up!

Houston Texan defensive end J.J. Watt, 25, formerly a two-star recruit by Rivals.com who initially attended Central Michigan, just became the highest-paid defensive player in NFL history. Six years, $100 million, $51.8 of it guaranteed, and there’s a decent chance he won’t even be the best defensive end on his own team in three years.

Sam is good-looking, well-spoken and a former SEC standout. An ESPN gig? Sure worked for David Pollack.

Then there’s defensive end Michael Sam, 24, also a former two-star recruit who blossomed into the SEC Defensive Player of the Year at Missouri. Sam was cut over the weekend by the St. Louis Rams and has cleared waivers, which means that anyone can sign him to their practice squad.

So who will?