STARTING FIVE

1. Rule No. 1…

…is, of course, “Gravity always wins.” Snow falls downhill (by definition of the word “fall”). An avalanche on the slopes of Mount Everest claims the lives of 12 or 13 Sherpa guides this morning, as Jon Krakauer rushes out to Staples to buy more note pads and pens.

2. tWITter

Conan turns 51…

How an IT guy from Peoria, Ill., landed a job writing for Late Night with Seth Meyers based on his tweets. This was not a “30 Rock” plot line.

Meanwhile, Conan O’Brien, who turns 51 today, airs rare footage of Jesus’ domestic life (something nice for Good Friday).

3. Giggle Meals

Comedian Amy Schumer, with help from Josh Radnor Charles, sends up the tropes of Aaron Sorkin.

4. “We’re No. 10!”

But be sure to read all of Grantland’s pieces lauding the Motor City as it promotes “Bad Boys” this week.

In a list compiled by Forbes of America’s “10 Most Miserable Cities”, my home of New York City finishes outside the single digits. Of the nine more miserable, California, Illinois and Michigan split evenly with three apiece. Detroit and Flint were Nos. 1 and 2.

Okay, kids, I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. Will return to this later…

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Johnny Bench, 7 bal

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P

1998

Dick Allen, 1B; 1963-1977, Phillies

The essential Dick Allen: Note the cig

The “Wampum Walloper” may be the best position player not in Cooperstown. How many other players have been named Rookie of the Year (1964), league MVP (1972) and have led their league at least once in home runs, RBI, triples, runs, slugging percentage, on-base percentage, total bases and walks? A controversial player who was at least a decade ahead of his time in terms of social issues, Allen remains left out of MLB’s Hall. But not mine.

Dave Parker, RF; 1973-1991, Pirates

If it weren’t for a cocaine habit, the Cobra would probably have gone on to become one of the 100 greatest players of all time. Physically gifted like another contemporary named Dave (Winfield), Parker was a seven-time All-Star as well as the 1978 MVP. He was also the first player to earn an average salary of $1 million per year. A two-time batting champion, he also helped two different teams to World Series championships, in 1979 and ’89. Like Allen, he is not actually enshrined in Cooperstown.

STARTING FIVE

Notice the FC Barca fans showing their appreciation for Bale’s goal.

1. Gareth Bales Out Real Madrid

(The judges would also have accepted “Keeping it Real”)

Oh, this was just a magnificent singular effort by the prince of Wales in the Copa del Rey. That it was also the game-winner made it even sweeter. We’ll likely never see Bale play in a World Cup, since Wales has only qualified once, in 1958, so enjoy him between August and May.

2. Faulty Towers

With a 5.04 ERA, Wade Miley is actually the ace of the staff. Team ERA is an MLB-worst 6.02 (the state’s area code).

The Arizona Diamondbacks find themselves in unfortunate serpent stances: an MLB-worst 4-14 after being swept at home by the New York Mess. They are 1-11 at Chase Field. They traveled to Australia to begin the season for a two-game set in Sydney versus the Dodgers and failed to score a run. They’ve allowed 115 runs in just 18 games. Everyone is playing in their pool right now. The honeymoon for manager Kirk Gibson is definitely over, but the GM, Kevin Towers, is taking the blunt of the blame.

Do Jeff Hornacek and Ryan McDonough do baseball?

3. Lake Bell Epoque

And she still wants to be the starting quarterback for Bob Stoops.

That’s Brooklyn royalty Lake Bell on the cover of Esquire and no, I still don’t understand why HBO chose not to review “How To Make It In America.” Where’s my Rasta Monsta energy drink?

4. Gnash-ville

Over the next 11 days there will be 89 films shown at New York City’s Tribeca Film Festival, but none has more teeth than Zombeavers, the seminal “undead semi-aquatic rodent horror flick.” The full list of films is here, and I encourage you to see a few if you’re in town. Me, I’m already working on a Kickstarter campaign to fund my film, ZomBiebers.

5. “Oui Out, Bitches!”

Dust off the beret. Did anyone inform Kobe that there is a Disneyland much closer to his Newport Beach home?

Laker legend Kobe Bryant said “Au revoir” to the worst season in franchise history one day early, jetting off to France on the eve of the team’s final game, in San Antonio. The Lakers defeated the league’s best team, 113-100, to finish 27-55.

Reserves

Walhbergers

Donny Donnie Wahlberg inducts himself into the Over-Chicked Hall of Fame by getting engaged to Jenny McCarthy. Mark Wahlberg as a brother-in-law? That’ll be interesting.

Bullets, Near Broadway

Tanaka has struck out 28 batters in 22 innings. The splitter has filth all over it.

If the Yankees do make the playoffs this season, it’ll be because of their pair of aces: 25 year-olds Masahiro Tanaka and Michael Pineda, who both anchored shutouts against the Chicago Cubs in the Bronx yesterday. It was baseball’s first doubleheader sweep shutout since 1988, and the two hurlers, both of whom are in their first active year in pinstripes (Pineda was injured all last season), were brilliant. Tanaka allowed just two singles, both on bunts.

The Cubs, by the way, have never won a game in the Bronx. They were swept in both the 1932 and 1938 World Series, in a 2005 interleague series (in which Derek Jeter hit his first and only career grand slam), and yesterday.

***

Jerry Seinfeld’s 10 funniest jokes…

****

Man you don’t at all feel sorry for…

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

John Clarkson

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P

1997

Don Sutton, P; 1966-1988, Dodgers, 4 others

As a rookie Sutton, then 21, found himself in the same Dodger rotation as Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale. His career was almost the polar opposite of Koufax, one of length and consistency that rarely approached untouchable brilliance. Sutton won 324 games in 23 seasons, finished with 3,574 strikeouts and 58 shutouts, all of which place him in the top 15 on those respective lists. And yet he only had one 20-win season.

Jim Rice, LF; 1974-1989, Red Sox

In the summer of 1975, sports’ greatest debate was which Boston Red Sox rookie would win American League Rookie of the Year (if not MVP): Rice or Fred Lynn (it’ll be a “30 for 30” some day; book it). The latter would win both, while Rice would finish 2nd and 3rd in the respective categories…and go on to a more prolific career. The eight-time All-Star led the A.L. in total bases three years in a row, becoming the first player since Ty Cobb to do so. Good company.

Remote Patrol

Life Below Zero

National Geographic Channel 9 p.m.

Looking for a Starbucks

This is NOT a Bret Easton Ellis novel brought to the screen. Or one of the worst Elton John albums ever. Instead, it’s a peek inside the lives of seven Alaskans who prefer living on the outer fringes of North America and the habitable planet. With a cameo by no one you’ve ever met.

STARVING FIVE

1. Food, Glorious Food!

The NCAA deregulates…your appetite? All Division I schools may now provide “unlimited meals and snacks” to its athletes, guaranteeing that the country’s 70% obesity rate is in no immediate danger of falling. College football also added a 40th bowl game, in Orlando. It was more bowls everywhere yesterday.

I will salute the first football team to put a  fixins bar on the sideline…

Also, does this mean players can engage in Joey Chestnut vs. Kobayashi-style competitive eating contests?

Of course Andy Staples, SI‘s bard of barbecue, had to, um, weigh in on the topic.

2. Kiss, and Makeup

Sure, they’re millionaires, but not a doctor or lawyer in the group. Oy vey!

Okay, sure, they’re really a nostalgia band at this point. And they’re hopelessly narcissistic. But Kiss has made the cover of the Rolling Stone, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and booked a live gig on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show in the past fortnight. I LOVED Brian Hiatt’s profile of the band in RS and urge you to read it if for no other reasons than 1) the lede and 2) to learn what Peter Criss told Paul and Gene when he first met them.

Also, do you ever need a good excuse to recall this philosophical discussion on the value of Kiss from “Role Models?” (“I didn’t know Jews could sing like that.”)

3. Smells Like VIP Spirit

If Kurt Cobain were still alive, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame probably would have killed him.

The surviving members of Nirvana, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, play a private gig for 230 invited guests  in Brooklyn (of course…as my colleague Alexander Nazaryan has aptly stated, “Manhattan is the new Brooklyn) following the band’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Joining them as lead vocalist for the band’s seminal hit was none other than Joan Baez….wait, I’m checking….Ohhhhhhh, Joan Jett. Anyway…enjoy.

4.  Peeling the Layers

Death to America. But we’d like to try a waffle taco first.

Here’s a story from The Onion that you might not want to forward to any of your pals who know the words to Alan Jackson’s “Proud to be an American.” Whether or not Al Qaeda was this smart, this advanced in game theory, I’ve always suspected that the best tactic for them, following 9/11, was to just sit back and allow certain unnamed men in power overreact. And what has happened?

I’ll stop now. I laughed. But only because I think it hits a little too close to home.

5. Cheeky Brits

Viking Quest, on the Thames.

The Times of London shows off its comedy chops. There are at least three editors I could name from my days at Sports Illustrated (all of whom attended or lived in Princeton…or were named Jerry) who would have “fixed” this item.

Reserves

“A millionaire comedian walks into a bar on the Lower East Side and….” (I liked the third graf).

*****

If you didn’t watch the Hillsborough doc on ESPN last night, I highly recommend catching it at some later date.

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Florida State would like our only memories of the fall of 2013 to be the school’s national championship in football and its quarterback’s Heisman Trophy performance, but Walt Bogdanich and the New York Times have other ideas. By the way, how much extra does it cost to make every web layout look this good? Because, IMO, it’s worth it.

****

?????

It appears from the above photo that ubermodel (see, cuz she’s German) Heidi Klum is sharing an intimate moment with Jonah Hill…but actually the 40 year-old stunner (I take all my literary cues from “Page Six”) is topless on a Mexican beach with something called a Vito Schnabel (that’s what, two Axis powers?). And he’s 27. Seriously, A.J., you’re better-looking (and younger) than he is. Go for it! (fyi, A.J. is the son I never had and is an occasional reader of this blog…he may or may not be famous some day, but he’ll always be entertaining).

*****

Boston $trong

The two Emerson (Lake and Palmer) College students who began printing “Boston Strong” T-shirts last April in hopes of being able to sell 110 of them and contribute $2,000 to the One Fund? They’ve sold 59,000 plus and made $893,000. Take that, “Catholics vs. Convicts.” Seriously, I think those two kids should keep a little of the coin for themselves. They’ve earned it.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P

1997

Phil Rizzuto, SS; 1941-1956, Yankees

Holy Cow! It must have been great to have been “The Scooter.” Never the best player on those Yankee dynasty teams, and standing just five-foot-six, he was nevertheless the 1950 American League MVP. To have played at Yankee Stadium in perhaps the most exciting era in the city’s history, a guys-and-dolls era when your teammates were Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra. The Scooter turned more double plays than all but one player in MLB history and was part of seven World Series winners.  A five-time All-Star who retired with a .968 fielding percentage, second only to Lou Boudreau at the time, he was also one of baseball’s best bunters. His number, 10, was retired by the Yanks, fittingly. Born in Brooklyn, raised in Queens, and made famous in the Bronx (where he was also the Yankee broadcaster for four decades), the Scooter is an indelible part of the Big Apple.

Ferguson Jenkins, P; 1966-1983, Cubs, Rangers

The firs Canadian inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame (his dad was from Barbados, his mother a descendant of slaves), Jenkins had an eight-season tear in which he won at least 20 games in seven of them (while never pitching for good teams). The 1971 National League Cy Young Award winner, Jenkins went 24-13 while tossing 30 complete games. One of only four pitchers in baseball history to fan more than 3,000 while walking less than 1,000.

STARTING FIVE

Bostonians exercising their 1st amendment rights to “peacefully assemble.”

1. Portrait of Resilience

The Sports Illustrated cover of what appears to be the entire populace of Dorchester perched at the finish line of the Boston Marathon is an example of a brilliant idea perfectly executed. Kudos to SI photo dept. head Brad Smith for pulling it off — I don’t yet know who shot it, but perhaps occasional reader MoeCav will enlighten us. As for whose idea, I don’t know, but a number of the top editors are either from Boston or attended college there.

And you thought I was going to lead today with a story on a very different photo, now didn’t you? (I won’t even link to it; Phyllis reads this, after all).

2. Coachella Fitzgerald McRainey

Fans take in the Haim set. If nothing else, this should inspire a Big Head Todd & the Monsters reunion.

So there’s like 166 bands and tickets cost $375, and that’s before you factor in transportation, food and lodging. The last time I attended a music festival (Pemberton, 2008) is probably the last time I attended a music festival. And I’m not the only dude who’s down on them.

Then again, I’m old. If Guns and Roses reunited for this, I’d at least give it a shot. If three of your five favorite bands on the bill were The Replacements, The Pixies and The Cult, then you are probably…me.

Also, there was/is a band playing there named UZ. How many disappointed fans showed up expecting to see them? Don’t the organizers of Coachella know that U2 fanboys now need reading glasses and might easily misread that band’s name? Of course they do!

Festival was both last weekend and this weekend in Indio, Calif., which is Spanish for “dust gets in your food.”

3. Lap Dance

Phelps’ agent should also land him a cameo in “Sharknado II.”

So, Michael Phelps is jumping back into the pool. Because he’s not exactly a charismatic personality, he’s not handsome or dumb enough to be Ryan Lochte, and how long do you want to be shilling fritos on your sub and flatizzas for Subway? Phelps is the greatest swimmer that America has ever produced, even better than Mark Spitz (who once dated a woman who appears regularly on NBC), but most of us who heard him say that he was retiring after London thought, He just needs a year or two off. He’ll be in the pool in Rio. And so it looks as if Phelps, who will still only be 30 then, will be.

Besides, did you see what was going on with Tinder at the Sochi Olympic Village? I’m sure Michael did.

4. Veep is Peeve Spelled Backwards (Kinda)

They may be amoral clowns, but they’re still better than the real thing.

So much terrific television on Sunday evening, as there has been for years, but no program features better ensemble acting than HBO’s “Veep.” Think about the degree of difficulty. On “Walking Dead” or “Breaking Bad”, for example, but particularly on the former, it’s just one person soliloquying (is that a word? No? Deal with it) followed by another. Even “Game of Thrones” isn’t so verbally challenging; it’s the action where choreography is required.

In “Veep”, however, it’s often multiple people bickering at once, and the frenzied chaos is so authentic that you forget you’re not watching a documentary. Besides, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a unique figure, a self-absorbed female anti-hero who may be more venal than everyone who works for her. Oh, and I don’t know where Tony Reali finds the time to appear in the show, but I think that he does.

I hesitate to call it the best show on Sunday nights. But right now, it may be the smartest.

5. Pullit Surprise

Journalism’s last angry man. You’re welcome.

Medium Happy isn’t losing sleep wondering when its Pulitzer will come (though we do wonder when Matt Taibbi will receive his long overdue bauble). Anyway, the Pulitzers were announced yesterday and some dude from the Washington Post (or, WaPo…or, as Jonah Ryan of Ryantology calls it, the Washington Toast), gave a really nice speech.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B

1996

Steve Carlton, P; 1965-1988, Phillies

“Lefty” finished with a 329-44 record and 4,136 strikeouts, which are 11th and 4th on the all-time lists, respectively. He is the last National League pitcher to win at least 25 games in a season (27-10 in 1972) was the first to win four Cy Young Awards. The 10-time All Star once struck out 19 batters in a game, though to be fair, it was the Mets in the Sixties. On the dubious side, Carlton holds the MLB record for most balks, with 90, which is more than double anyone else.

Denny McLain, P; 1963-1972, Tigers

I’m going off the grid and saluting a Detroit Tiger pitcher for having a singularly sensational season (and he likely won’t be the last Tiger pitcher I praise thusly). In 1968 McLain transcended sport, making the cover of Time magazine and appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show (with his quartet and guitarist Bob Gibson, performing “The Girl From Ipanema”) as he went 31-6. McLain is the first and only pitcher since Dizzy Dean, who did so in 1934, to win 30 or more games (Dean was on hand to congratulate him). The following year McLain was still brilliant, going 24-9 and pitching three more shutouts than the previous season. He was named the All-Star starter, but when the game was delayed one day due to rain, he chose not to cancel a scheduled dentist appointment. He visited the dentist, then flew himself (he had a pilot’s license) to Washington, D.C., and arrived at the park in the second inning. Those were different times.

Yes, I know all about his gambling involvement.

Remote Patrol

Hillsborough

ESPN 8 p.m.

A cynic (looks around) might note that ESPN’s first soccer-themed doc to get viewers gassed for the upcoming World Cup is not so much about soccer as it is about death and mayhem. Noted. Still, the tragedy that took place 25 years ago today in Sheffield, England (as I’m sure Bill Hubbell will tackle later today in Day of Yore) that claimed 96 lives was a signature moment in sport, and it occurred just before SportsCenter began to take off, which means that it really never resonated here. I’m not even Googling it, but I bet that Clive Gammon wrote the story for SI, because back then Clive Gammon was Grant Wahl, and that’s one of the best jobs in sports journalism: SI’s lone soccer writer (although now the editors there actually care about soccer so you can’t pretend to be an expert as much as you used to be able to…but I digress).

Quick aside: watched the Champions League final in 1998, a classic between I believe Man U. and Bayern, in a bar on the Upper East Side. With me were Steve Rushin and Jeff Bradley (Bob’s brother). Few journalists in America back then were as up on soccer as those two (in fact, I think ESPN even noted one or both of them during the telecast)…and they were with me in a a bar on the UES. Again, times have changed.

STARTING FIVE

Joffrey’s dad, apparently, is not the only king slayer

1. He Had It Coming

Young King Joffrey gets the comeuppance we’ve all been waiting for, on his wedding day. Either that or he had a wine-and-cake allergy. Not to worry, Castle (and Beckett) are on the case. Seriously, though, the police lineup should be everyone in Westeros not named Cersei.

Meanwhile, since it’s April and since wine played a large role in Joffrey’s demise, how about a face-melting, kickass song from April Wine? April Wine is Canadian for “Scorpions.”

By the way, I love the guy on Twitter who wondered why Bran Stark was visiting the Ticket Oak. Brilliant.

2. Bubba Gumpin’…

Bubba Watson.

Someone named Bubba won something in the South. You are either a Masters person or you are not. I can appreciate how beautiful the course is, but my view is tainted by how exclusionary the place is. As April events go, I’ll take Pat’s Run in Tempe, which celebrates the life of Pat Tillman and in which tens of thousands participate.

3. NCAA Union Talk

Mat Bodie and Colin Stevens lament the fact that they’re not being paid for this.

And it has nothing to do with players’ rights and/or Northwestern. Nope, Union College in Schenectady, N.Y., won the Frozen Four after outlasting Minnesota on Saturday night. The Gplden Gophers had advanced to the final by scoring the game winner versus North Dakota with 0.6 seconds left on Thursday night.

No lie, I spotted a dude wearing a “Union, Men’s NCAA Hockey Champions” t-shirt yesterday.

So this is curious…the NHL is a major spectator sport. And there’s college hockey. But there’s also junior professional hockey and granted, hockey is still not a revenue producer at most schools. The beauty of this is that we can still almost have a national championship featuring Union vs. North Dakota, and players can still be drafted, but no one skulks around with a surly look on their face all day long.

4. Pronunciation is His _ _ _ _ LL _ _   _ _ _ L

In case you missed this gem from “Wheel of Fortune.” That’s the game show’s second viral video in the past month. I’m beginning to become suspicious. Not a big deal. It only cost Julian one million dollars.

5. Peggy and the Plunger

If you think I’m hot, you should see my brother Bailey’s girlfriend.

The season premiere of “Mad Men”: Don writes ad pitches in absentia just to stay sharp…yet another 90s TV teen brunette pursues an affair with Don (Linda Cardellini last year, Neve Campbell last night)…two classic 60s tunes that are heavy on organ and where the organist was also the vocalist are used masterfully (Spencer Davis Group’s “I’m A Man” and Vanilla Fudge’s “Hangin’ On”)… Ted Chaogh eats his toast dry because that’s the kind of life he’s living these days…Pete Campbell has gone LA LA and he’s even more insufferable (but not as angry)…Ken Cosgrove now has Keith Olbermann’s problem… Joan goes to college (for an afternoon)…the kid from “Cougar Town” has a business degree…Peggy is now a loathed Upper West Side land lord…Lou Avery is every implacable, stuck-in-the-mud boss you’ve ever had…in the Time-Life Building (I’ll just name him “Peter Carry” for as long as he remains on the show)…Meg’s teeth still need fixing…Nixon is inaugurated, marking the last time a man with that bad a hairline would ever become president of the United States…Don buys Meg a TV and doesn’t have to wait for cable to be installed…and Roger appears to believe ’69 is more than just a year.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P

1995

Pete Rose, INF/OF; 1963-1986, Reds, Phillies

The Hit King is No. 1 all time in the single-most important category in the game: Hits (4,256). He’s also No. 1 in games played (3,562), at-bats (14,053) and outs (10,328). He was also a 17-time All-Star at five different positions. Numbers don’t tell the entire story with Rose, who also had a 44-game hit streak in the summer of ’78: he was a feisty overgrown child who played every game like he was nine years old –he even had a nine year-old’s haircut. For gambling as a manager, he deserves to  be out of baseball. But he is far too integral to the game’s history to not be in the Hall.

Mike Schmidt, 3B; 1972-1989, Phillies

Rose’s teammate for a time, Schmidt is arguably the greatest hitting third baseman in the game’s history. If not the greatest at the position, bar none. A slugger, he led the National League in home runs in eight different seasons and retired with 548. By the way, the Phils’ infield of the ’70s –Schmidt, Bowa, Cash, Allen — is nearly iconic as that of the Big Red Machine’s –Rose, Concepcion, Morgan, Perez.

Remote Patrol

Gone With The Wind

TCM 8 p.m.

Sort of eerie to air this classic on a day when there are tornado alerts across the Central Time Zone (not to mention on the anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination). Anyway, if you’ve never caught this Civil War classic in its entirety (I have not), here’s your chance to at least DVR it and save it for some time when you have four hours to kill. Which, if you watch Yankee-Red Sox games, you do.