Starting Five

1. Meet The Parent

(The judges will also accept “My Three Sons”)

All dressed up, no place to go. Wait. Stop, reverse that. Okay.

Saturday Night Live distinguished alum Will Ferrell arrives onstage at the Emmys to hand out the final two awards of the night with sons Magnus (9), Mattias (6) and Axel (3) in tow.

“Unfortunately Helen Mirren and Maggie Smith dropped out at the last second and they called me literally 45 minutes ago and I couldn’t find child care, OK? We had a soccer game, there was a neighbor’s birthday party, a nut allergy, I didn’t have time to do my hair. It doesn’t matter, it’s great to be here.”

Now that’s the Best Comedy by a Modern Family I saw all night.

2. “Breaking Bald”: The Hotel New Hampshire

Let the record reflect that Bill Murray’s baby-stepping anxiety freak New Yorker, Bob, located Dr. Leo Marvin (Richard Dreyfus) and his brood in New Hampshire within a week while the entire DEA was unable to locate Walter White in The Granite State (also the title of last night’s penultimate episode of “Breaking Bald”) for what seems like months. (wondering what a game of “Penultimate Frisbee” would resemble: Does everyone just jog?)

Also last night, CNBC’s boyish “Squawk Box” anchor Andrew Ross Sorkin gets a shout-out, as does “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.” (“Two copies”). “It’s my favorite show and they mentioned my name,” Sorkin said this morning. “A career highlight.”

(Why? The writer on BB also wrote the screenplay for “Too Big To Fail”, which was adapted from Sorkin’s tome.)

As for the show itself, at some point Jesse Pinkman has to stop paying the price for all of Heisenberg’s sins, no? Okay, perhaps not. Watching one of only two people in the entire world that you care about take one in the back of the head as punishment for your attempted escape? That’s cold, Vince Gilligan. I mean, at least Adriana La Cerva was cooperating with the feds at the time she was iced on The Sopranos.

Also, note that New Mexico native Neil Patrick Harris hosted the Emmys while Breaking Bald, which is set in Albuquerque, deservedly won the Emmy for Best Drama.

Where do we go from here for the final episode? Alan Sepinwall thinks, if I may take the liberty of paraphrasing his thoughts (I may not? Well, I shall, anyway) that WW, alias Heisenberg, wants to go Nathan Jessup. He WANTS the world to know who he is and what he did. In a strange way, he’s PROUD of it. That is why he is headed to New Mexico with, of course, a pit stop at a Cinnabon in Omaha.

Couldn’t Tarantino have found someone a little less, um, Aryan-looking, to be the leader of a band of NAT-zi hunters?

And that’s fine, but I’d love it if Walter had Brad Pitt’s the Nazi hunter, Aldo Raine, from “Inglourious Basterds” ride shotgun (and carry one, too). Uncle Jack and Todd need karma to knock at their barbed-wire fence.

3. Turn the Page

Rivera, who has a 2.15 ERA and 44 saves this season, is retiring?!? Is he off his rocker?

Let the obituary read that the Core Four Era –Mariano Rivera/Andy Pettitte/Derek Jeter/Jorge Posada –ended on the first day of autumn.

Runners on 2nd and 3rd, nobody out in the bottom of the eighth inning, and the New York Yankees trail the San Francisco Giants by one run. On the day that the first pitch was delayed 50 minutes for a tribute to the greatest closer of all time (Yankee Stadium vendors were selling “Exit Sandman” T-shirts all weekend, and I hope Lars Ullrich and the boys ask for a slice of that pie). On the day that Pettitte made his final start at Yankee Stadium (although we all know it’s not the real Yankee Stadium, and we’ll only have the rest of our lifetimes to lament that foolish decision) and took a no-hitter into the sixth inning (he has 255 career wins, but zero no-hitters).

On a weekend when everyone’s favorite anti-hero, Alex Rodriguez, broke beloved Yankee Lou Gehrig’s career grand slams record, (24 overtaking 23), a mark that will forever be tarnished because A-Rod did so during a time when he might have been serving his 211-game suspension (speaking of records) for his role in the Biogenesis fiasco. That it was a game-winning home run –yes, A-Rod got a clutch hit after the month of August– made the irony even more delicious. Maybe they’ll put an asterisk after it. If there’s one thing the Yankees know, it’s late-September home runs to right field that merit an asterisk.

Anyway, tying run on third, nobody out. And the Yankees fail to score. Pinch-runner Zoilo Almonte (he entered after A-Rod led off the inning with a single…that’s right, TWO clutch hits) decided to make a dash for the plate on a two-hopper to the Giant 3rd baseman. OUT! Then Curtis Granderson whiffed. OUT! Then Eduardo Nunez singled to left, but Juan Perez — a Bronx native–threw out Robinson Cano at home. OUT!

I did not tag Robinson Cano in this photo…but Hector Sanchez did.

End of inning. End of game. End of 2013 season. End of an era that brought the Yanks four World Series, two Hall of Famers and two more retired numbers, 42 and 2. End of, for many of us who were here when the era began in 1996, a huge chapter of our lives as fans. And I don’t expect the Yankees will be having a Zoilo Almonte Bobblehead Doll day any time soon.

The Yankees still had one more at-bat remaining, but it was a lot like they still had a Game 7 in the 2004 ALCS with Boston. You knew that series was over after Game 6.

(To be fair, the Yankees were a long-shot to make the wild-card this season, anyway. It’s just the finality of it all.)

Jeter, by the way, spent the previous evening up in East Hartford watching his beloved Michigan Wolverines nearly become the only Top 25 team to lose this weekend. The Maize and Blue came back from a 14-point second-half deficit to outlast the Huskies, 24-21.

4. The Number 33.842

77, 76, 72, 70. Those were Saturday’s scores, as well as the weekend’s high temperatures in the northeast.

That was the average margin of victory in games involving Top 25 teams this weekend, each of which the ranked school (or, in the case of Stanford-Arizona State, the higher ranked school) won. We were treated to scores such as Ohio State 76, FAMU 0; Louisville 72, FIU 0; Miami 77, Savannah State 7; Baylor 70, ULM 7; and Washington 56, Idaho State 0.

To quote Leona Lansing: “Do you want to play golf or do you want to f___ around?”

Certain apologists will inform you that their schools need to schedule these body bag massacres in order to balance the budget of the athletic department. But that’s like saying the only answer is to lower the river when in fact you can also raise the bridge.

We all know, and accept, that football brings in the most revenue. It also has the highest overhead. If you want to balance the athletic department budget, stop there. But no one will. Because football -well, read the first sentence of this paragraph again.

And so we get a Saturday such as last Saturday. Stanford led ASU 29-0 at one point, by the way. Only Michigan and Notre Dame were involved in games decided by less than double digits. And GameDay went to Fargo.

(Oh, and a shout-out to Cecil Hurt who, upon seeing that Walter White was in exile in New Hampshire, tweeted, “Is this the same guy who decided GameDay should go to Fargo?”)

5. Luck Had Everything To Do With It

Luck delivers an emphatic spike after scoring on a short run while football coaches in both the Pac-12 and NFC West imagine the ball as Harbaugh’s head.

Former Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck led the Indianapolis Colts to a pasting of former Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s San Francisco 49ers, 27-7, at Candlestick Park. “I’ve never seen (Andrew) smile the way he was smiling after this one,” Colt coach Chuck Pagano said.

It was San Francisco’s first home loss to an AFC team in the Harbaugh era and its first loss to an AFC team not named the Baltimore Ravens. The Niners are now 1-2 — What’s their deal? –while Pete Carroll and the Seahawks are 3-0.

Remote Patrol

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

ESPN 8:30 p.m.

Earlier this week the Broncos voted Wes Welker, who is just two games and 12 catches into his tenure with Denver, a team captain.

I’d like to attend your Autumn Equinox party, but I have a Pryor engagement. Terrelle Pryor of the Oakland Raiders versus Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos. In case anyone ever asks you to define “polar opposites.”

Starting Five

1. The New York Yankees Are, Sadly, America’s Team

Robertson. Notice, behind him, how the ballpark’s premier seats are empty. Wilhelm and Costanza could run this team better.

As I stole glances last night of the New York Yankees losing their third of four games to the last-place team in their division (their sixth loss in seven games, all on the road), the Toronto Blue Jays,  I had an epiphany: the Yanks really are America’s team.

You mean because their leader is a man of mixed African and Caucasian heritage who has been absent all summer?

Nooo, silly.

You mean because too much of the team’s infrastructure (Rivera, Jeter, A-Rod, Pettitte, Ichiro) is aging and on the verge of collapse and nothing is being done to replace them?

No.

Because the Yanks, too, are composed of a vanishing middle class.

The average Major League Baseball salary in 2013 is $3.2 million, and the MLB minimum is $480,000. In other words, I’m well aware that the terms “middle-class” and “poverty” are relative here.

The Yankees, who have MLB’s second-highest payroll behind the Los Angeles Dodgers (who at least this season are validating it, as the Dodgers have baseball’s second-best record), have nine players on their roster who are paid at least triple the Major League average and 11 who make at least double it.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Pinstripes have seven players who do not even earn one-third of the Major League average. Only five players, or 20% of the 25-man roster, earn within a two-times multiple (between twice as much or half as much) of that $3.2 million MLB average.

The Yanks have two players –two– who earn near the MLB average and are also highly productive players. They are also, not coincidentally, fan favorites because they do their jobs and they don’t cause off-field drama. You’d think owners would get that fans cheer for players who remind them of their own selves, their own career situations. Those two are set-up man David Robertson, who may be a more reliable reliever than the legendary Rivera at this stage; and offensive catalyst Brett Gardner, whose departure from the lineup with a Grade 1 rib cage injury occurred just before the Yanks began their 1-6 slide (and that one victory was quite unlikely, as NY battled back from a 4-0 deficit in the eighth and Mo almost squandered it in the 9th).

Gardner also leads the Yankees in dirty uniforms per game.

Robertson? He, and not Rivera, leads the Yankees in ERA (2.18), WHIP (1.08) and, among pitchers with at least 60 innings of work (that’s how many Mo has pitched), in strikeouts-per-nine innings (10.74). Unassuming David Robertson has been the Yankees’ best pitcher this season.

Gardner? After Cano, who only leads the team in batting average, RBI, home runs, OBP and hits, the Tim Dwight doppelganger has been the team’s most potent offensive weapons. He leads the Yankees in steals, runs, triples (has nearly half the team’s total, 10 of 23) and is second to Cano in BA, OBP, doubles and BBs. (I need to mention here, and this is a testament to Cano’s, um, hustle, that Cano has zero triples this season). Gardner’s injury may keep him out of the lineup the rest of September, which is the coup de grace to the Yankees’ wild-card hopes.

Can I directly show how that translates to a faltering team? Am I forgetting that, with one enormous exception, 2nd baseman Robinson Cano,  every penciled-in position starter from last winter (catcher Francisco Cervelli, first baseman Mark Texiera, shortstop The Captain, 3rd baseman A-Roid, left fielder Brett Gardner, center fielder Curtis Granderson and right fielder Ichiro 4,000 Hits-Though-Mike Francesa-Thinks-It’s-Bunk) has missed a chunk of the season due to injury?

No.

The Yankees have two middle-class players. They need more. Because a healthy team, much like a healthy economy, has a dynamic and vital middle class.  If it does not, it’s a feudal system. And success, too, is futile.

2. This Week’s Spread Option

Don’t blame Jerry Lundegaard for Saturday’s CFB lineup.

The heck do ya mean,  College GameDay, coming to us live from Fargo, North Dakota, this Saturday? It has a little to do with the fact that the Dakota State Bison, an FCS program, are two-time defending national champions at their level and are ranked No. 1 (in those two ways, they ARE the FCS Alabama minus the brittle head coach) and they also just beat Kansas State, which as recently as last November SI called “…The Nation’s Best Team.” (Okay, that was last year)

It’s an inspired, and deservedly praised move by College GameDay.

There’s also the matter of this week’s Top 25 slate, as so many programs host bodybag games while taking their last deep breath before conference play begins. Check out these spreads…

Colorado State at No. 1 Alabama…39 points

Florida A&M at No. 4 Ohio State…49.5 points

Florida International at No. 7 Louisville… 43 points

Bethune-Cookman at No. 8 Florida State…40 points

North Texas at No. 9 Georgia….33 points

SMU at No. 10 Texas A&M….29 points

New Mexico State at No. 13 UCLA… 42.5 points

Savannah State at No. 16 Miami….59.5 points

Idaho State at No. 17 Washington…49 points

Maine at No. 18 Northwestern….28.5 points

Louisiana-Monroe at No. 20 Baylor…29.5 points

Texas State at No. 25 Texas Tech… 27.5 points

(I’ve bold-faced the favorites I think will cover).

Idaho State QB Justin Arias leads the FCS in Total Offense, while the Bengals lead the FCS in Scoring Defense. U-Dub won’t win by 7 TDs.

Nearly one-half of the Top 25 are both home and four-touchdown favorites this weekend. Five of them are six-touchdown favorites. The only truly intriguing games involving Top 25 schools are No. 23 Arizona State at No. 5 Stanford (the Cardinal are less than a touchdown favorite at home? Interesting), unranked Tennessee –they of the 45-point loss at No. 2 Oregon last week — at No. 19 Florida and unranked but unbeaten Michigan State at No. 22 Notre Dame, which promises to be a rock fight.

Shouldn’t she be tomorrow’s celebrity picker?

A few wagering tips: Bethune-Cookman is (3-0) and No. 1 in Total Defense in the FCS. They could give FSU trouble, not in terms of winning, but in terms of covering. Idaho State is 2-0, leads the FCS in Scoring Defense, and will play a regional foe in U-Dub. This is the Bengals’ bowl game. New Mexico State is last in Total Defense in the FBS: take the Bruins. Finally, Savannah State-Miami. That line is brutal, but Savannah State is one of the worst teams in terms of Total Defense in the FCS and the Canes have had a week off after the Gator win. My advice: stay away.

3. Soaking It In

A pool party without A) Bitches B) Ho’s or C) Moet? What kind of splash bash is this?

The Arizona Diamondbacks politely suggested to their divisional rivals, the Los Angeles Dodgers, that should the LADs clinch the NL West at their ballpark this week, that they not celebrate on the field. Well, the Dodgers did clinch and then they did comply with the D-Backs’ request. They did NOT celebrate in the D-Backs’ yard. Instead, they dashed across the yard and had an impromptu pool party in the home team’s pool that is situated just beyond the right centerfield wall.

As every Phoenician and every Angeleno knows, what is a back yard without a swimming pool?

We are hearing that A) the Diamondbacks are upset that the Dodgers staged this pool party and B) Jamie Foxx is pissed someone threw a pool party and neglected to invite him.

P.S. I grew up in Phoenix…without a pool in my backyard. The idea of running across someone else’s yard, hopping a fence, and jumping into a neighbor’s pool is as natural to me as dipping a tortilla chip into salsa. Phoenicians should salute what the Dodgers did.

4. If I Were A Carpenter…

Who’s on first? Not Carpenter.

It’s late September, the Colorado Rockies are in last place in the N.L. West –no pool-hopping for you! — and playing the first-place St. Louis Cardinals. And still Rockies first baseman Todd Helton provides this moment to remember, fooling the Cards’ Matt Carpenter with the old hidden-ball trick in the top of the first inning. Carpenter is the Cards’ leadoff hitter; he should know better.

As I always say, baseball is the only sport where you have a chance to see something you’ve never seen –and often never imagined — every time you attend or watch a game. Love that.

By the way, Helton, who is retiring at season’s end, hit the game-tying solo home run in the 9th inning and Colorado won in the bottom of the 15th. Not only does St. Louis squander the getaway game, but they delay their departure by nearly two hours while doing so.

Smart Money

If you had invested just $13,000 in Tesla a year ago today, you could actually use that money to buy a Tesla ($75,000) today.

Earlier this month the U.S. News & World Report, as it annually does, released its annual “Best Colleges” rankings. Scott Wolf voted USC No. 1, but that’s another story. Anyway, Princeton finished No. 1. in their rankings.

You should know, if you ever create progeny unfortunate enough to be accepted into the freshman class at Old Nassau, that the cost of attendance there (tuition, room-and-board, J. Crew fall wardrobe) is $57,495.

Now, let’s say that last year you had told your 18 year-old daughter, “Sweetie, instead of attending Princeton this year, why don’t we invest $50,000 in the two companies whose names appear on the CNBC crawl as often as any others: Facebook (FB) and Tesla (TSLA). We’ll invest $25,000 in each company.”

Had you done that, one year ago today, here’ what would have happened.

Facebook, which was trading at $23 per share, is now at $46.28.

Tesla, which was trading at $31 per share, is now at $183.70.

Your $25,000 of FB stock is now worth about $51,000.

Your $25,000 of TSLA stock is now worth about $150,000.

You’ve quadrupled your money ($50,000 to about $200,000) in one year, which means you can now actually afford your child to Princeton.

Granted, the stock market isn’t a One Direction arrow. The funny thing, though, is that with the exception of Apple (AAPL), my observation as an addicted CNBC viewer is that no two companies’ ticker symbols and stock prices appear more often on that network’s crawl than these two. It’s not as if you needed to search for a needle in a haystack to find them. It was like searching for an elephant in a haystack.

Oh, and you might remind your child that Facebook might not ever have happened –or at least not occurred so quickly –had Mark Zuckerberg not had a friend who’ earned a couple hundred thousand investing in oil futures the summer before. Teach your children well.

Remote Patrol

Utah State at USC

ABC/ESPN2 3:30 p.m.

Keeton nearly upset then defending national champ Auburn, at Jordan-Hare, in his first collegiate game.

If ABC airs this locally in the nation’s largest market (NYC) tomorrow, I’ll never utter a disparaging word against the Disney people again…this month. Anyway, it’s Firing Lane Kiffin versus Chuckie Keeton, the Aggie QB who’s already thrown 12 TD passes (and just one pick) in leading his team to an average of 50 points per game. If you’ve seen the Trojans play, they can’t put up numbers like that. Oh, and USU has only allowed 17 points per game. As much as Kiffin and USC’s four-star recruits will say they respect Utah State, they really cannot be as hyped for this game as they’d be playing Stanford, Oregon or UCLA. They better be.

And a 12:30 p.m. local start only means a lachrymose fan base. Hell, I don’t know how Arash Markazi is ever going to arrive on time. This will be the most intriguing game on TV tomorrow. Don’t black it out locally for me, Bristol. Please!

Admittedly, picking the Aggies to upset USC — as Stewart Mandel does in this week’s “SI.com Pickoff” –can lead one down the same path that Wallace Shawn followed in “The Princess Bride”. There’s the tendency to select Utah State as an obvious upset choice, followed by the rueful realization that it is SUCH AN OBVIOUS upset pick that you should not make it.

Oh, and never get involved in a land war in Asia.

Shawn, as Vizzini, in his “Battle of Wits” with the Man in Black, alias Good Sir Westley, alias Cary Elwes:

“But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.”

So, you can overthink it. And you remember what happened to Vizzini, who overthought it? He died.

Starting Five

1. A Hat Trick of Talent

Ronaldo: He has the world in the instep of his foot.

The Iberian peninsula is currently the home of three of the world’s greatest athletes. Spaniard Rafael Nadal recently won the U.S. Open, his second Grand Slam title of 2013, and has a 61-3 record in singles matches this year.

Then, of course, there are forwards Lionel Messi of FC Barcelona and Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid. Earlier this week Ronaldo, who is Portuguese, became the world’s highest-paid footballer when he signed a contract extension that will compensate him annually with 21 million Euros ($28 million), after taxes, for the next five years.

Then on Tuesday, as if to dot both “i’s”, the 28 year-old winger scored a hat trick in (that’s three goals, Phyllis) an easy 6-1 defeat of Turkish club Galatasaray as Champions League play got underway in Istanbul (the final goal is like watching Michael Jordan thread three defenders with a crossover dribble followed by a spin move, then pull up for an 18-footer).

Ronaldo now has 54 career goals (my career goals, by contrast, are to get one week’s paid vacation and a parking space) in Champions League play and 21 career hat tricks. Which is prit-tee, prit-tee good.

(Ronaldo is also really, really handsome. Like, it’s-not-fair handsome. Like, if Maria Sharapova really were the world’s greatest distaff tennis player, it would kinda be like that. Or, if Kate Beckinsale were. Dig?)

Sorry, dude, but I’d rather fly Emirates than Qatar Airways. Still, you’re the best

Ronaldo’s numbers are fantastic, buuuuuutttttt…..Lionel Messi’s are better. Yesterday the Argentine artist answered Ronaldo’s challenge by scoring a hat trick himself in Barca’s 4-0 Champions League victory against Dutch side Ajax. Messi now has 62 career goals in Champions League play (in just 80 matches, the best ration in the tourney’s history) and 24 career hat tricks.

The two men will next meet on the same pitch on October 26th at Camp Nou in Barcelona. For those who don’t already know, any Barca-Real Madrid fixture is known as “El Clasico.” When these two are on the pitch, that’s not false advertising. (and yes, MH mancrush Gareth Bale, who is now Ronaldo’s teammate, will be there, too).

2. Autumnal Equinox-and-Beyond Previews: TV

Akerman: We’ve been high on her since a guest role on “Love Monkey.” Stockholm-born, Canada-raised.

Summer is not over…yet. But we’re in the last throes, which means we have some serious ass-planting ahead of us on the couch (and in the movie theaters… have you sat in one of these yet at your local cineplex, by the way?). Over at Grantland, Andy Greenwald believes that Trophy Wife, starring Malin Akerman, is the sitcom to watch (people still watch sitcoms that don’t have Larry David’s or Ricky Gervais’ imprints? Interesting…). The title reminds us of the Steven Wright: “A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but from the looks of it, it wasn’t first place.”

I do like this exchange in the trailer, in which an adolescent passes Akerman at her stepkids’ school. “What up, MILF?” “Shut up, toolbox.”

3. Autumnal Equinox-and-Beyond Previews: Film

Finally, here come the good films of 2013…

Rush: It’s both faster and Lauda.

Gravity… Part of the Sandra Bullock “Forces of Nature” trilogy that includes “Speed” and “The Heat”.

Rush,… Not a Canadian prog rock trio biopic, but a film about Formula One racing in the 1970s inspired by true events. Although Chris Hemsworth’s character was pretty much the Robert Plant of racing (15 years ago Brad Pitt gets this role).See it –from the trailer, it seems to capture the Seventies vibe accurately — but also see the 2010 doc “Senna”.

Captain Phillips… Some day people will read that there was a film (“Larry Crowne”) starring Hanks, Julia Roberts and Bryan Cranston (alias Walter White) and nobody saw it. Anyway, if you’re keeping score this is the third Hanks film in which he plays the captain of a ship of some type (“Apollo 13” and “Forrest Gump”) as well as the third in which he achieves the rank of captain (“Apollo 13” and “Saving Private Ryan”). Watch closely to see if Hanks’ character urinates. He has done so in five other films.

All is Lost…Robert Redford doing the “Life of Pi” thing, sans tiger.

The Fifth Estate…A film about the founder of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, which I mention primarily because the actor in the lead role is named Benedict Cumberbatch, which is the type of name P.G. Wodehouse would’ve dreamt up and smiled about for days.

The Wolf of Wall Street…Reunites Martin Scorcese, Leo DiCaprio and Lower Manhattan. Am I the only one who did not love Gangs of New York?

Nebraska… Bruce Dern (he once shot and killed John Wayne in a western; what more do you need?), now 77, in a black-and-white film from Alexander Payne that co-stars Will Forte as his son. That’s right, MacGruber (and yes, in case you were thinking it was all a bad dream, they actually made and released a MacGruber movie). The two trek from Montana to Nebraska to claim a $1 million prize. Think of it as “Sideways” meets “The Straight Story.”

Yes, this is the same man who played a male stripper in Magic Mike.

Dallas Buyers Club… The film I most want to see, and one that should once and for all end any arguments about Matthew McConaughey appearing in any film that is either not set in Texas or has him playing a Texan-like character. Honestly, how about this little career renaissance for our good friend Wooderson (“Alright alright alright”): “Killer Joe”, “Mud” (which will probably get a Best Picture nomination) and now this, in which MM plays a former rodeo star afflicted with AIDS who starts smuggling medicine/drugs across the Mexican border into Texas. Can’t wait.

4. The Colts’ Plan to Reunite the 2011 Heisman Trophy Finalists Is Working

Jim Brown remains the best Brown of all-time, if not the best NFL player of all-time.

So the Cleveland Browns trade running back Trent Richardson, who finished 3rd in the 2011 Heisman balloting, to the Indianapolis Colts, whose QB, Andrew Luck, finished 2nd (yes, RG3 won the bronze bust). Richardson was the third player drafted in 2012, and Luck the first (RG3 was taken second). Richardson, by the way, rushed for 950 yards last season and has 105 yards in two games thus far in 2013. So he’s not Adrian Peterson, but who is?

When is the last time a ball carrier was flagged for facemasking? this Alabama defender wonders.

What do the Browns have up their sleeves? Well, their quarterback is either former Michigan State starter Brian Hoyer or second-year pro Brandon Weeden, who actually turns 30 next month. Could the Browns be stock-piling picks in the hope of selecting Johnny Football and, knowing that, might not JFF return to College Station for his redshirt junior/senior year? And can JFF make it in the pros? And why is Greg Bedard whining about having flown “halfway across the country” to see JFF play last weekend? One, that’s a two-hour flight, three hours, tops. Two, the pilot flew the plane, you didn’t. Shaddup!

Or do the Browns want Jadeveon Clowney (overrated, by the way)?

5. I’m Defending Rick Reilly? Seriously.

So, there are few easier targets in sports media these days than my old friend Rick Reilly. True story: When I was in college and his star was its brightest, I wrote him a fan letter. Riles wrote me back, a hand-written note.

Anyway, I’ve taken a jab or two at ESPN’s millionaire columnist on this very site (The “Notre Dame is Irrelevant” article comes to mind), but I have his back, at least to an extent, on his Washington Redskins column.

Why? Because while I agree that the term “Redskins” may be racist, I also believe that taking offense is in the eye of the beholder. If enough Native Americans –remember when we called them Indians? Now THAT was offensive, to not one but two entire separate races of people– are bothered by the term, then we should definitely discontinue it.

And then what should we do about the Atlanta Braves?

And what would you have us do about the Cleveland Indians? The term itself is universally accepted as obsolete (“Indian”, not “Cleveland”, though I suppose….). Many will tell you that the name was chosen –formerly they were the Cleveland Naps, which is offensive to people with insomnia — to honor former player Louis Sockalexis, a member of the Penobscot tribe who is believed to have been the first Native American to play in the MLB. But, I mean, would Cleveland Sockalexises have worked?

Indian mascot Chief Wahoo: How’d he get those teeth so pearly white?

I won’t even embark upon my own alma mater’s “Fighting Irish”, which began as a quasi-derogatory term from outsiders but has since been warmly embraced by the school’s fans, administration, alumni and students.

Apparently, what really got some people’s undies in a wad was Reilly’s closing line: “Trust us. We know what’s best. We’ll take this away for your own good, and put up barriers that protect you from ever being harmed again.

Kind of like a reservation.”

One blogger, Robert Wheel in writing for Kissing Suzy Kolber, called this line a “fireable offense.” (but naming a site Kissing Suzy Kolber –and I get the reference– is not offensive to anyone?). Really?

Not only is the entire “Rename the Redskins’ movement unctuously patronizing — a bunch of Caucasians deciding that they’re going to assist Native Americans, who apparently are unable to help thee mselves — but the idea that someone would be offended by Reilly’s closing line is, to me at least, offensive.

His point, of course, is, If you really want to be offended, take a moment to think of how we’ve treated these people over the last two centuries. And THIS is the stand you want to take? It’s like wondering if the prisoners at Guantanamo, many who have never even been charged with a crime and have no habeas corpus rights, have comfortable pajamas.

So, don’t worry, Riles. I got your back. And if people want the name Redskins changed, fine. But I just hope those people who advocate this change with the most volume are themselves Native Americans.

And, lastly, do you know what an editor says to a columnist who writes what many people decry as an “outrageous” column? “Good job.”

Starting Five

Last night in prime time ESPN aired a celebration of Hispanic Heritage Month (instead of just televising a Major League Baseball game, which is essentially the same thing), so it’s safe to say that it was not a circle-the-date-on-your-calendar night in sports.

1. Final Thoughts on Sports Illustrated and Oklahoma State

Remembering that it was someone from Stillwater –the band, not the town — who originally said, “He was never a person. He was a journalist.”

Anyway, a few more thoughts:

A) When last Friday I enumerated all those talented men and women who once checked facts at Sports Illustrated (Hey, kids, Ashley Fox will be on “Outside The Lines” today to talk Andy Reid!), I failed to note that some of those who arrived since my departure have already gone on to bigger (Pablo Torre, “Around The Horn”) and better (David Epstein, “The Sports Gene”) things. I also failed to take into account that some of the fact-checkers there now will likely also do so.

I apologize for the first oversight. As for the second, not so much: SI only lists two reporters on its masthead. It used to list all of them. I had no idea there were more than two reporters. My guess [I never phone friends at SI for information about SI…that’s why we’re still friends…or at least we were before Friday 🙂 ] is that these men and women are on “project” status, which means that they do not receive full or perhaps even partial benefits. If this is true, SI should address that. Don’t marginalize employees when it is convenient to do so, then tell us they’re on staff when it suits your purposes.

B) Either way, I imagine that these fact-checker CHECKED THE FACTS of the story to the best of their abilities.

(A quick aside: Tim Crothers, perhaps my favorite fact-checking alumnus, advocated a system called “Defensive Checking”: he only checked the facts for which SI could be sued. It eliminated half the work and was a very efficient means of checking. Once more in my life, I tip my cap to Timothy.)

Anyhoo, they may have checked the facts, but there was more to being a fact-checker when I was there. It was your responsibility to do some critical thinking. To analyze the story conceptually. To poke holes –or in this case, to cowpoke holes — in logic or in the writer’s premise IF YOU SAW THEM.

Those were the days…

So if I were a current SI fact-checker working on SI’s OSU series, here are questions I would have put to the editors:

1. Does our story explain HOW Oklahoma State improved, which is our stated purpose in embarking upon this series? (The answer is “No”, by the way).  Because Stanford improved greatly over the same time period. So, for a time, did Notre Dame. And they don’t, to my mind, pay players or do the hostess sexing (Notre Dame does not even have hostesses) or give no-show grades (Everett Golson, anybody?). And if either school did, wouldn’t that be a much BIGGER story?

2) We could find lots of schools (North Carolina, e.g.) who are involved in similar shadiness who have not improved. So isn’t our premise flawed?

3) T. Boone Pickens, a $165 million gift to the university. BOOM! Are we really going to simply gloss over that fact? Again, an aside. When I was at SI (1989-2001 and 2003-2006) a baseball team would be hot and so we’d dispatch a writer on Thursday to cover the “red-hot Twins” or some such outfit. By Sunday night, when the story was filed and being fact-checked that team, without fail, would have just been swept in its weekend series. We’d still run the story, but the editor would plug in a parenthetical such as, “Despite being swept by the Yankees over the weekend and outscored 203-2, the Twins are the hottest team in baseball.”

Oh, how I miss those moments.

4) How come Oklahoma State and not Oregon? Might it not look to a critical observer that we are “ducking” Oregon (yes, even my notes to editors would contain puns…it’s a sickness) because of Phil Knight, Nike and the potential adverse effect on advertising revenue?

Lache Seastrunk, Will Lyles, Jeremiah Masoli, Cliff Harris…nothing to see here, move along.

Those are just some of the questions I’d ask. And maybe a current SI fact-checker, or hopefully, a current SI editor posed those very questions. If there were ever a time SI needed Jim Harper, or at least a Red Team 2 meeting…If they did, I’d invite them to come forward (and I’ll be happy to find you a job serving diners with me in Manhattan…it’s actually more fun than fact-checking, by the way).

C) None of this is a problem if Sports Illustrated does not state in its official “Overview” the following:

How does a Division I program make such a large leap in such a short time? SI  dispatched senior writers George Dohrmann and Thayer Evans to begin searching  for the answer. 

I’d argue with the honesty behind this statement. I have no proof, but here is what I believe happened. Evans, who knows the Sooner State well and was raised there, goes in search of low-hanging fruit. He tells the editors that, via old contacts and people he has come across while wearing out the soles of his cowboy boots in the past, that he can dig up some dirt on corruption taking place at Oklahoma State. Terrific, someone thinks, but HOW do we frame it? Oh, I got it, let’s say it’s an attempt to discover a reason behind Oklahoma State’s rapid ascent.

Bad idea, for the aforementioned reasons.

Now, if SI had simply come out and said, We’re going to peek behind the curtain of a major FBS program. We’re going to show you some of the stink therein as a means of exposing the systemic septic nature of big-time college football. Let’s toss it out and start over from scratch (and let’s not ask Bob Bowlsby to help). If SI had done that, I know that I wouldn’t have been so critical of the series. Many others would not have, either.

In fact -IN FACT! — SI sorta did just that. After providing an “Overview”, and then running a five-part series, yesterday SI penned a “What It All Means” piece which, on the surface, was an attempt to tell us…what it all means. Because you and I are apparently too dumb to understand it (Later, Chris Rock will explain the concept behind his, “Married and bored, single and lonely” joke). But what that really was, Jerry Dantana, was an attempt to make us forget that last week their stated premise was to show us how OSU got better so quickly.

Here’s what SI said yesterday: ”

When our team of writers and editors conceived of this project  nearly a year ago, the goal was straightforward…we thought it was essential to ground the discussion in  detail by taking a deeper, longitudinal look at a BCS program…”

Ohhhh. You wanted to take a deeper, longitudinal (longitudinal, not latitudinal) look at a BCS program. Why didn’t you just say so? Because that’s not what you said last week.

I’m doing my best to refrain from an ad hominem attack here (I prefer to leave those to Whitlock), but this is the M.O. of the ME whom I knew so well. “Oh, you think I meant that…no, no no: I meant this.” The difference here, though, is that we have it in print. And SI is contradicting itself, just hoping that you and I don’t notice.

“He’s right. I don’t trust him.”

What was it that Whitlock told Keith Olbermann on the night his eponymous show made its debut, in referring to Deadspin? “Someone has to watch the watchers.”

Guess what? I’m watching the watchers. And this was intellectually dishonest.

D) Speaking of Deadspin, two of SI’s editors (one of whom is my favorite writer currently employed at SI and as smart and sharp as anyone on staff) did an interview with that site yesterday about the series. The fact that, one week into it, SI and not OSU is the story speaks volumes. As does the fact that SI even consented to the interrogation.

What the editors never tell Deadspin, and kudos to the site for grilling them about it near the top, is that they picked ONE school because it was the path of least resistance. Thayer Evans had all these supposedly great sources and interviews and so we just decided to ride that horse and we could tell the same story without having to exhaust as many resources.

Also, nowhere in the Deadspin interview do the editors state that their intent was to see how Oklahoma State improved so quickly. They are SO walking back from that premise now, aren’t they?

E) About Thayer Evans…. I’d like to know:

1) Did these interview subjects, all of them, realize that they were being interviewed?

2) Did these interview subjects, all of them, know that their conversations were being recorded?

3) Did any of them ask, “What’s this story about?” and what was Thayer’s answer?

Granted, there’s a gray area when interviewing people for a controversial piece. There are also baseline ethical standards. If you read this blog entry you may find it hard to reconcile the idea that Evans was acting ethically in the pursuit of this story.

Finally, I’ll address a question many of you may be harboring: Why do I hate Sports Illustrated so much? Au contraire, mon frère. I’ve been obsessed with the magazine since I was old enough to read. Had my bedroom wall covered with SI covers when I was a boy and had my dorm wall adorned with a few SI covers from the early Holtz era, then fulfilled a lifelong dream –granted, I had not been alive that long –when I was hired to work there. As noted above, I worked there for 15 years –it was hardly a cup of coffee.

1988. Not to be confused with 2005 and 2012 Notre Dame themes.

I love the magazine and what it has the potential to mean, a potential often met and yes, even under the current administration — to the sports ecosystem. And, as someone who knows the place well and whose opinions about it no longer have direct consequences, I’ll continue to chide it when it underperforms and praise it when it does well.

Because, let me tell you, what they’re doing over at ESPN the Magazine isn’t exactly journalism. It’s sports writing, but it’s not journalism. They’re attached to the teat; they cannot do that. Sports Illustrated still has the power, and I’d say it has the moral imperative, to perform such feats. To be, dare I say, as great as Yahoo! Sports.

And, by the way, I launched this blog on August 16, 2012. Which is SI’s birthday. That was hardly a coincidence.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to see if Taylor Warren is still hiring for that media consulting firm that she’s launching.

Starting Five

1. The Big 8: My Rankings

As always, I assess based on what transpires on the 120 x 53 yard rectangle or, if you prefer, quadrilateral. Preseason polls are utterly meaningless.

And Mack Brown wanted Johnny Manziel to play safety????

1. Alabama (3-0)

Turns out that Johnny Football lacks ESP: Extra-Sunseri Perception (see, he’s the dude who returned the INT 73 yards for a TD and–never mind). Next up: Colorado State.

2. Oregon (3-0)

They’re quick. They’re quack. Ducks’ average margin of victory through three games: 52.3 points. That’s fowl. Next up: Bye

3. Clemson (2-0)

Tigers must combat the dreaded “Higher Ranked Visiting Team Playing on ESPN Thursday Night” effect in Raleigh in two nights. Remember that the Wolfpack spoiled Florida State’s season a year ago. Next up: at North Carolina State.

4. Ohio State (3-0)

Buckeyes looked most impressive in Berkeley. Fifth-year senior QB Kenny Guiton, in his first start, threw a school-record 90-yard TD pass on his second play from scrimmage. Next up: Florida A&M

5. Florida State (2-0)

Like Oregon, the Seminoles fell behind early at home and then scored 59 uninterrupted points versus Nevada. Next up: Bethune Cookman (Seriously, Noles? Seriously?)

Former Arizona prep and UCLA QB Rick Neuheisel believes that former Arizona prep and current UCLA QB Brett Hundley has more NFL upside than Manziel.

6. UCLA (2-0)

Like Alabama, the Bruins found themselves trailing by at least two touchdowns on the road (in their case, 18 points) versus a ranked opponent (Nebraska) and then scored five uninterrupted touchdowns. Next up: New Mexico State.

7. Texas A&M (2-1)

“If you see Johnny Football in the hall, tell him he played a great game” — Nada Surf, 1994. He did. The two highest point totals Alabama has surrendered in its last 37 games, 29 and 42, have come against Manziel and the Aggies. Saban’s Tide had never allowed more than 38 before last Saturday. Next up: Southern Methodist

8. LSU (3-0)

Les Miles has been in the news more in the past week for his tenure at Oklahoma State than for his Tigers’ 3-0 start. Next up: Auburn.

2. One Man’s Breaking Bald Hypothesis

Uncle Jack: Where there’s smoke…

My buddy Dan, a Phoenix-based attorney, posits that Walter White is going to pull a Bruce Willis in “Pulp Fiction” and rescue his own personal Gimp, Jesse Pinkman, from sociopath Todd and his evil Uncle Jack. I like it. Walt may have hated Jesse in that instant, but now that he has lost his family, most of his wealth and perhaps having only months to live, his best shot at some semblance of salvation is to rescue Pinkman from his predicament. Dan also thinks that Uncle Jack, whom we always see lighting up, will meet his end courtesy of a Ricin-laced cigarette, again courtesy of Walt.

I like it.

Also, the reviewer from Esquire –we live in an age where television shows are reviewed more fervently than films, but then we live in an age where television shows are superior to films — noted that it strained credibility for Uncle Jack not to end Walter White and bury him alongside Gomez and Hank in a grave that Walt himself had initially dug. I agree but, hey, we still have two episodes to sift through.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” That was rich, Vince Gilligan. Rich!

Finally, a hand for Jesse Plemons, please. The Matt Damon doppelganger has been in two TV shows, Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad. Prit-tee, prit-tee good. Is it too much to hope we catch Todd wearing a Crucifictorius T-shirt?

3. Bo Peeps

If I am a Nebraska fan, I’m far more offended by my defense wearing black jerseys and surrendering 41 points at home to UCLA than I am by a cluster-F-bomb barrage by head coach Bo Pelini that occurred two years ago. Far more offended that my defense has now allowed 45, 70 and 41 points in three of the past five games –with the other two opponents being non-AQ schools. Or maybe I’m just offended that we left the Big 12 for the Big Ten. Why just turn your back on all of your tradition?

4. Trout Fishing

Trout is not a bad fielder, either.

You don’t hear very much about Vineland, N.J., native and former SI cover boy Mike Trout this season, and that’s because his team, the Angels have underachieved (73-77) all season. But it’s worth nothing that last year’s AL Rookie of the Year is second in all of baseball in both batting average (.331) and OBP (.436) to last year’s –and this year’s–AL MVP, Miguel Cabrera.

Both of those numbers are better than last’s years for Trout, who also has improved his stats over last season in terms of Hits (183 to 182), Doubles (39 to 27), Triples (9 to 8), RBI (89 to 83), Walks (100 to 67!) and Strikeouts (122 to 139). And in case you were wondering, he currently has six fewer at-bats than he did in 2012. The only numbers upon which Trout has not improved are Home Runs (24 to 30) and Stolen Bases (33 to 49).

When you recall how much hype Trout was garnering late last summer, it’s astounding how rarely you hear his name at all this season, even though he’s arguably the second-best hitter in baseball. Two reasons: his team’s miserable season and Yasiel Puig.

“Tim Kurkjian, ESPN.”

5. CFB: Loose Ends

–So Michigan almost lost at home to Akron, a school that had lost 28 consecutive road games? Who kidnapped Devin Gardner?

–Michigan State has pulled its annual “Our Stats Don’t Matter Before We Meet Notre Dame” trick, as the Spartans are tops in the nation in total defense to this point. Again, meaningless.

–Stanford has allowed 13 and 20 points to San Jose State and Army, respectively. Keep in mind that classes have not even started in Palo Alto, so you wonder if it’s just a matter of malaise with the Cardinal. Not impressed thus far.

–Tommy Rees has now thrown for 300-plus yards in three consecutive games.

Blake Bell, The Bell Dozer

–Bob Stoops finally tears the “Gimmick” label off the Bell Dozer and the junior tosses for 413 yards and four touchdowns versus Tulsa. That’s the most yards a Sooner quarterback has thrown for in his inaugural start, and I’ll remind you that former Sooner starters include Heisman Trophy winners Sam Bradford and Jason White as well as Landry Jones and Troy Aikman. What took you so long, Bob?

–I understand why pundits are excoriating the Pac-12 officials –they’ve messed up plenty in the past (just ask Stoops) — but how does a quarterback, in this case Wisconsin’s Joel Stave, not know that you are to take a knee? That’s sub-Pop Warner Junior Pee Wee-level football acumen.

–USU at USC. Utah State put up 70 points on Weber State last Saturday and 52 on Air Force the week before. Lane Kiffin and his defense best be prepared for Chuckie Keeton and the Aggies.

–Oklahoma State destroyed Lamar 59-3 last Saturday. I know it’s early in the season, but what if the Cowboys were to go 13-0 and play for the national championship in the final season of the BCS? Oh, that would be a dirty game, alright. Keep in mind that it was someone from Stillwater –the band, not the town– who famously uttered, “He was never a person. He was a journalist.” William Miller, meet Thayer Evans.