Starting Five

1. Twerk-Offs and Talents

Ho. Hum.

The MTV VMAs were staged in Brooklyn last night, and the media web sites are informing us that everyone is talking about Miley Cyrus’ duet with Robin Thicke, and how she “twerked” him. Although very few people are talking about it, because MTV stopped caring about music about nine seconds after Kurt Cobain put a bullet through his head and it’s worth noting that Notre Dame has returned to relevance in its own seminal niche sooner than MTV has.

Also, the music sucked. So there’s that.

When you don’t have an incredible song, or an unforgettable hook or melody (granted, Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” is above average), you resort to impersonating Madonna and attempting to “SHOCK” the world with raciness. Because the object of the game is no longer to be an artist but rather to be the lead story on the following night’s “Extra!”

Darlene Love (foreground) singing “Lean On Me” with Jo Lawry, Judith Hill and Lisa Fischer.

On Saturday night the chick and I saw “20 Feet From Stardom”, which is a documentary about the most talented backup singers in the history of rock-and-roll and pop music. Merry Clayton, whose vocals on “Gimme Shelter” will outlive every performer at last night’s VMAs, for example. Also, Darlene Love and Lisa Fischer, whose voices are just out of this world. Do yourself a favor and devote 90 minutes of your life to watching this doc.

Talent may not trump hype in the moment, but it will always outlast it.

And I’ll add both Miley and Robin are the offspring of celebrity dads. They may have talent, but they were born on third base. The women I mentioned above, they hit a triple on an 0-2 count.

2. Japan Wins the Little League World Series

Unlike its big brother, the Little League World Series actually demonstrates truth in advertising.

In what was a tense battle, the International champs from Tokyo defeated the U.S. champs from Chula Vista (a suburb of San Diego that lies equidistant, 7 miles, between it and the border of Mexico) 6-4. It was Japan’s third Little League World Series title in the past four years.

3. Jerry Dantana Should’ve Paid More Attention to His College Hoops Team

Dantana: Now producing the noon newscast at KTVU.

Over at Atlantis Cable News, the clock runs out on Jerry Dantana –and the season-long story arc is resolved and revealed –as the Genoa producer’s unethical doctoring of an interview is exposed —as correctly predicted here one week ago — via the college basketball game in the background. Allow me to go McMac on Aaron Sorkin by exposing the fact that there is no way in hell that Will McAvoy could have been watching a UCLA-Cal football game on Sunday, September 9 of last year. First of all, the two Pac-12 schools have never played on a Sunday and last year’s game occurred on October 6.

If you dissect the footage, Will is watching a game between the Bruins and Golden Bears in which 1) the uniforms would suggest the game is being played in Berkeley and 2) the score is tied 14-14. Diligent investigation by our Medium Happy staff (I am both the white team and the red team) shows that the last time such an event occurred was on October 16, 2004. So either Sorkin just recklessly tossed in some game footage without a care as to whether someone would red-check it or Will was watching a game from nearly eight years earlier that he had taped.

We’ll have more on The Newsroom later, most likely in a separate post.

4. Head Over Wheels

Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law! (thanks, Butthead)

Will Power is Australian.

Scott Dixon is a Kiwi.

And yesterday, in Sonoma, they may have been involved in some Down Under-handed chicanery.

Yesterday the two Indy Car rivals had quite the run-in at the scenic Sonoma Grand Prix in the wine country of northern California. Dixon was leading with 15 laps remaining, and Power was in second, when both drivers entered pit row for a quick tire change. Power’s spot was located directly in front of Dixon’s.

Dixon, the leader, entered pit lane first but as you can see Power cuts him off, causing Dixon to come to a stop before fully being in his rightful place. Then a member of Power’s pit crew, Travis Law, can be seen carrying Power’s tire behind Power’s car with all the nonchalance, as our friend Jones says, “of a guy carrying a bag of groceries home from Trader Joe’s.”

Was Law attempting to block Dixon, whose crew had him ready to depart pit row before Power’s did. Dixon certainly thought so, as he sped out and clipped Law, sending him, the tire, and another Power pit crew member sprawling.

Dixon received a one-lap penalty and finished far off the pace. Power won.

Do you think Law knew exactly what he was doing here? Watch the tape and decide. The announcers side with Dixon.

5. Yes, But are the Kardashians Keeping Up With Lamar Odom?

Lamar and Khloe have a lot of baggage.

Reports out of Los Angeles, via TMZ (go ahead and laugh, but they’ve broken many a story that turned out to be true) that former Los Angeles Laker and recent Los Angeles Clipper Lamar Odom has gone missing for three days and is on a cocaine binge. If my wife was Khloe Kardashian that would be enough to make me go AWOL, too (although having Bruce Jenner as your father-in-law and Kanye West as your brother-in-law would be pretty cool), but this appears serious. Odom is a free agent, living in southern California and apparently abusing substances. Is his next stop a visit to North Korea?

Reserves

For the record, Daft Punk did not perform at the VMAs. So what was all that Colbert Report hub-bub about?

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Million Dollar Mistake

Last night a New York Powerball lottery ticket worth $1 million expired before anyone came forward with said ticket to claim the prize. If you have a vague recollection of being at the Playland Market in Rye, N.Y., on August 25 of 2012, and a similarly vague notion of having bought a lottery ticket but of forgetting which cargo shorts you were wearing, well, it’s best if you just forget all of that now. We should note, by the way, that Rye is a very affluent suburb of New York City. Most of its denizens don’t need the seven figs as much as the rest of the state’s residents. The unclaimed prize now returns to the prize pool.

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Remote Patrol

Chelsea at Manchester United

NBC Sports Network 3 p.m.

Wayne Rooney of Man U. (in red)

Eight of the last nine English Barclays Premier League championships have been won either by The Blues of Chelsea (3x) or the Red Devils of Manchester United (5x). This afternoon they meet at Old Trafford. Portuguese-born Jose Mourinho, who most recently managed Real Madrid, is back for a second stint as manager of Chelsea, whom he earlier led to two of those three championships.

Starting Five

1. Woke Up, It Was a Chelsea Morning Manning…

Manning later admitted that he has an extensive butterfly collection and drives an unmarked white van with no windows.

U.S. Army private Bradley Manning may have leaked hundreds of thousands of classified and sensitive military documents to WikiLeaks, but apparently he kept the wildest secret to himself. “I am Chelsea Manning. I am female,” Manning disclosed yesterday via a statement read on the Today show. One day earlier Manning, 25, had been convicted on 20 counts that ranged from espionage to theft and sentenced to up to 35 years in military prison at Fort Leavenworth.

Why do I believe Manning is sincere about this startling confession? Because we know that chicks just cannot keep secrets.

2. Bryant Gumbel Shouted Out, “Who Killed the Kennedys?” When After All It Was You and Me

Damn straight, Bryant Gumbel. During his closing remarks for “HBO’s Real Sports” last night (and I’m not sure whether or not Gumbel wrote the copy himself), the often-pretentious host informed America that we are all a bunch of hypocrites for condemning Alex Rodriguez.

Gumbel: He’s such a pill sometimes.

“…what I don’t understand are the expressions of shock and outrage over his alleged drug use because, frankly, this country’s crazy about drugs.

Modern Americans reach for a drug for any and everything – for problems real and imagined. It’s why we consume more pills than any nation on earth and why TV ads are relentlessly selling us Xarelto, Abilify, Stelara, Prodaxa, and dozens of other drugs we never ever guessed we supposedly needed.

Americans are only about five percent of the world’s population yet we take 80% of the world’s painkillers and a whopping 99% of the world’s Vicodin. We have four million kids on Ritalin, 22-million women on antidepressants, over 30-million adults on sleeping pills, 32 million on Statins, 45 million on another drug I can’t even begin to pronounce. The list goes on and on…”

Does that excuse A-Rod for cheating? No. But when more Americans die annually due to prescription drugs than illegal drugs, well, maybe A-Rod isn’t the only one looking for the easy way out.

Of course, what I don’t understand is how Gumbel continues to look as young as he does at the age of 64? What artificial means to retard the aging process is he using?

3. Tesla Guy

Musk

Today, in Part 2 of our series titled “Highly Successful, Forty-ish White Guys Who Attended Stanford at Least for One Day and Have Lived in Africa at Some Point”, (Part 1 was Richard Engel), we meet billionaire Elon Musk. The native South African, who now lives in Bel Air (Beverly Hills’ swankier neighbor), Musk is the mastermind behind Tesla Motors, the electric sedans that are wildly popular with the $150,000 per annum-and-above crowd.

Musk earned degrees in both economics and physics from the University of Pennsylvania before matriculating at Stanford to work on a Ph.D. in applied physics. He quit that program after two days but, hey, Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs never finished college, either.

Tesla founded PayPal, cashed in his lottery ticket, and has since turned his attention to becoming the Steve Jobs of transportation. He recently proposed the HyperLoop, the high-speed tube that would ferry passengers between Los Angeles and San Francisco in just 30 minutes via a cushion of air, in much the same way that tubes are sent when you use the drive-thru of your bank.

But Tesla, well, this may be the invention for which Musk is forever remembered. An electric car that is both stylish and swift, Tesla’s stock has risen more than 400% in just the past year. Keep an eye on it. And keep an eye on Musk. He has the scent of money and genius.

Finally, in case you are wondering, Why Tesla, the name is an homage to brilliant inventor and “mad scientist” Nikola Tesla (1886-1943), a Serbian-born American immigrant who was a pioneer in the fields of electrical engineering, radio, X-rays, etc. Tesla made a fortune from his patents but spent most of his adult life living in New York City hotels.

Oh, and because who knows when I’ll ever get another opportunity to do this, Musk’s vehicle is the greatest thing to happen to the name Tesla since this OMD tune from the height of the New Wave era.

4. People Suck…Everywhere

So I’m scouring CNN’s home page this morning and I come across one headline that reads “Teens Beat WWII Vet To Death” and “Journalist Gang-Raped in Mumbai” and I think that I don’t care as much to read about the Lakers’ new “Hollywood Nights” uniforms, although I do wonder if their into music will be courtesy of Bob Seger. Anyway, the World War II vet was a Spokane, Wash., resident named Delbert Benton, he was 88, and his murder appeared to be a random act of violence, most likely because the only thing worse than some teenagers these days are their parents (or, more often than not, their grandparents). Wait, did that make me sound old or simply like LZ Granderson?

5. Brian Wilson Returns: Closes Out Victory, Announces He’s Still Tinkering with “Smile.”

Don’t Worry, Baby: L.A. held a six-run lead when Wilson entered in the 9th inning.

Not-That–Brian Wilson returned to a big league hill for the first time since April 12, 2012, pitching one inning of scoreless relief for Not-That-California N.L. Franchise as the Los Angeles Dodgers shut out the Miami Marlins, 6-0. Wilson, who when last seen was arguably the N.L.’s most dominant, and swarthy, closer with the San Francisco Giants, struck out two and allowed a two-out double. Wilson closed out another peerless start by Clayton Kershaw, who tossed eight scoreless innings and reduced his MLB-best ERA to 1.72 (the next best is Matt Harvey’s 2.25; those two are also Nos. 1 and 2 in WHIP, at 0.86 and 0.89, respectively).

Smile, by the way, was started by the Beach Boys’ brain in 1966 and eventually released in 2004. It’s the Chinese Democracy of the 50-and-over crowd. Although Wilson waited another seven years to release more material from the Smile Sessions. I’m sure he’s still rewriting lyrics to it this morning.

Reserves

Did The Newsroom’s season-long story line just take place in the suburbs of Damascus, Syria? Reportedly 1,300 dead due to a chemical weapons attack. Let’s NOT send Jerry Dantana to investigate.

The Yankees: Now 5-0 since the Ryan Dempster beaning. David Ortiz is correct.

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You’d be tired, too, if you had to block Stephon Tuitt every day in practice.

Notre Dame names offensive tackle Zack Martin, who has started 39 consecutive games for the Fighting Irish, a team captain for the second year in a row. They couldn’t have promoted him to major? (Under the radar and bigger-than-it-appears Irish news: ND lost defensive lineman Tony Springmann for the year due to a knee injury. This, coupled with the Eddie Vanderdoes-or-doesn’t-he? defection, makes the Irish thin on the D-line. Springmann actually was a terrific backup last season and easily had the squad’s best red beard.

Springmann: Will miss season and report directly to “Duck Dynasty”.

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So apparently ESPN asked to have its name taken off a joint venture with Frontline on a doc about the NFL and concussions. I’ll pretend to care for as long as the NFL pretends to care about concussions. Football is violent. Helmets and fast, furious, powerful men will always lead to debilitating injuries. Just ask Dustin Keller. If you really want to control injuries, stop playing football after the age of about 13. Otherwise, please lower the soapbox.

Still, can’t you just hear Bill Simmons discussing this issue with J-Bug and Uncle Sal on a podcast? “What I wanted to say about the Frontline/ESPN partnership is –” (podcast goes silent while a brief power outage takes place in central Connecticut and, curiously and concurrently, and AC-currently, in Santa Monica).

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Every time someone says, “Wanker”, drink.

I do believe that The New York Times enjoyed “The World’s End”, but since it failed to provide a letter grade, a numeric grade in the range between 0 and 100, or a requisite number of stars, how am I to know? Confound you, Gray Lady!!!! On another note, if this film isnt’ the best argument yet as to why cinemas should have beer sales, I don’t know what is (okay, that’s false: I wanted to drink to forget that I was watching “Conspiracy Theory” in the midst of that film).

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The chancellor at Texas A$M, the inaptly named John Sharp, accuses ESPN of “Hype journalism” in the wake of its Johnny Manziel reportage while Tim Tebow’s dad looks over, laughs, and says, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” Sharp is our frontrunner for this year’s E. Gordon Gee Award for principled leadership in higher education.

Starting Five

1. (Until My Birthday) College Football Lives Here

Does the Savannah River separate the dreamers from the contenders? We’ll know by September 10.

Everybody talkin’ ’bout Alabama-A$M, but that’s not until September 14 — and Roll Tide will have two weeks to prepare after opening with Virginia Tech (the Aggies meet Sam Houston State the week before, so that’s a push). Ohio State is a leviathan, but the Buckeyes’ lone scare through four games will be a visit to Berkeley (a scare, that is, if they were to encounter Naked Guy, but he committed suicide a few years back).

Hence, the epicenter of college football during its opening two weekends will be the Chik-Fil-A (although I’ve always thought Bojangles deserved more hype) Triangle that is formed by the loci of Athens, Ga., Clemson, S.C. and Columbia, S.C. Georgia, South Carolina and Clemson all currently reside between spaces 5-8 in both the USA Today and AP polls. Better yet, the Bulldogs face both the Tigers and Gamecocks in the season’s first two weeks (this, my friends, is how national championships should be decided: meaningful teams playing meaningful games long before December).

August 31, 8 p.m., ABC (“You are looking live….”): Georgia at Clemson

Sept. 7, 4:30 p.m., ESPN: South Carolina at Georgia

The Gamecocks and Tigers will meet in their Palmetto State showdown on Nov. 30

All three have national championship potential.

It’s almost here….

All three have at least one Heisman Trophy candidate (the Dawgs may have two): Quarterback Aaron Murray and tailback Todd Gurley for Georgia; wide receiver/returner Sammy Watkins for Clemson; and defensive end Jadeveon Clowney (nice piece by Greg Bishop of the New York Times) for S.C.

It’s REM versus Creed (their lead guitarist is a Clemson alum) versus Hootie and the Blowfish. It’s ground zero for college football’s first two Saturdays. It’s the Beautiful South, and there’s no place you’d rather be between August 31 and Sept. 7.

2. Misuta 4,000

There it goes: Ichiro slaps an opposite-field single for No. 4,000

Ichiro Suzuki slaps an opposite-field single off Toronto knuckleballer R.A. Dickey for his 4,000th career hit in Japan’s Pacific League and the Major Leagues combined. Since arriving in the U.S. in 2001 at age 27, Suzuki has recorded 2,722 hits with the Seattle Mariners and New York Yankees. He had 1,278 with the Orix Blue Wave.

Only two players have ever hit more: Pete Rose (4,256) and Ty Cobb (4,191). That all three men had an even number of letters in both their first and last names is telling (no, it isn’t, but it’s kind of cool). What is telling is that all three men were contact hitters. They were not –Suzuki is not –free swingers.

I’m always amazed that no one copies the unique style of Suzuki, who is still so spry at 39. To watch him bat is to watch Dali paint (although I doubt Salvador would’ve allowed 35,000 people to watch him paint while chanting his name). No one does it the way he does. His swing is more reminiscent of a two-handed Federer backhand than it is, say, Ted Williams. Ichiro waits for the ball to meet his bat and then places it. He lets the pitch’s velocity do all the work in terms of how far the ball will travel.

Ichiro had an MLB-record 262 hits in 2004, and had at least 200 hits in each of his first 10 MLB seasons. No one else ever put together 10 consecutive seasons like that, and only Rose amassed that many 200-hit years over the course of his career. If you want to call Ichiro the greatest hitter of all time, you have a solid argument.

The Yankees may not even be a playoff team this season, but they currently have two Hall of Famers on the roster who do their jobs like no one else before them have quite done: Ichiro and Mo Rivera. That’s almost worth the non-bleacher seats price of admission. Almost.

Worth Noting:

A) Alfonso Soriano, who belted the game-winning two-run homer for the Yanks in the 8th, also began his pro career in Japan (Hiroshima Carp…I wouldn’t eat one of those if I were you, for various reasons) and had two hits there.

B) Infielder Jayson Nix, who was the back-page tabloid cover boy (“New York Nix”) on Wednesday after being Tuesday’s hero, was hit by a Dickey pitch and suffered a season-ending injury to his hand (broken). That R.A. Dickey’s 80 mph “heat” can end your season is indicative of the injury-plagued year the Yankees have endured.

C) Granted, it’s a modest four-game win streak, but the Yanks have not lost since Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on Sunday night.

3. The Tourist, The Bike Messenger, The Cabbie, The Syndicated TV Star/Physician, the Pizza Truck Owner (and His Supermodel Girlfriend), and the Plumber (a.k.a. “My Left Foot Left”)

Cabtastrophe

As legendary New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams would write, “Only in New York, kids, only in New York.”

On Tuesday, shortly before noon and just outside the steakateria, a cabbie from Bangladesh and a bike messenger started playing Turn 3 at Daytona on Sixth Avenue in the heart of Rockefeller Center. The cabbie aggressively turned left onto 49th Street, striking both the cyclist then jumping the curb and hitting 23 year-old British tourist Sian Green, whose left foot was severed.

That’s when things got interesting.

David Justino, a plumber, rushed over and fashioned his Carhartt belt as a tourniquet.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, who was passing by with a group of students, stopped to adjust the tourniquet and deliver first aid.

Oz and Justino; Green (far right)

Matt Crespo, who operates a pizza truck (food trucks are WAY popular in midtown Manhattan) and who just happened to be there with his legitimate supermodel girlfriend, Heide Lindgren, grabbed the severed foot and placed it in a cooler — a cooler from the same hot dog vendor who only minutes earlier had sold Green the hot dog that she was enjoying when the taxi plowed into her.

Lindgren’s beau may have saved Green’s foot.

So, let’s see: Don’t eat carp from Hiroshima and avoid hot dogs sold on Sixth Avenue this week.

4. What If Baseball Had NOT Suspended Ryan Dempster?

As Red Sox Nation wonders whether Dempster’s diabolical act incited the Yanks to a postseason run.

Sometimes you should just allow fate to take care of matters. Had baseball waited a week to decide Dempster’s fate, he would be pitching this weekend when the Red Sox visited the Los Angeles Dodgers. That is, when Boston played in a National League ballpark, meaning that Demptser would come to bat. That the opponent would be the Dodgers, whose manager, Don Mattingly, is one of the most beloved Yankees of all time, would make it that much more intriguing (by the way, a Dodgers-Red Sox World Series, especially in light of last year’s trade, would rawk!).

Does any Major League pitcher want to bean Dempster for his “I, The Jury” moment last Sunday night at A-Rod’s expense? Probably not.

Would Mattingly “recommend” one of his pitcher do so? Again, unlikely.

Still, just to have the moment when Dempster strode to the plate, and the pregnant feeling inside the stadium that, hey, here’s an American League pitcher who could get his comeuppance (justice, some might call it) for thinking it was his role to punish A-Rod.

Alas, it is not to be. Dempster is already serving his five-game suspension –which, in actuality, is no suspension — and will likely pitch next Tuesday at Fenway versus the Orioles. And, yes, the irony of Dempster serving his suspension before A-Rod serves his…we get it.

5) NBC Set To Launch Do Something It Already Did Seven Years Ago

Faris shares a laugh with fellow Michigan native Jerome Bettis

Yesterday NBC announced that it would be doing a live Notre Dame pre-game show from inside Notre Dame Stadium this season, which is cool (and long overdue). Liam McHugh, who is the network’s best on-air hire in quite some time, will host and be joined by two former players with no connection to the Fighting Irish: Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie of Boston College and Hines Ward of Georgia (and, of course, the Pittsburgh Steelers).

I’d just like to add that the blueprint for this show was the “Vonage Notre Dame Pregame Show”, which ran as a webcast on NBCSports.com from 2006-2008. Paula Faris (above) was our incandescent host and I was the closest thing we had to a co-host. Paula referred to me as “The Professor” and when I was not seated in the chair in which you see Bettis, guests included Lou Holtz, Regis Philbin, Mike Golic and others.

We did both a pre-game show and a post-game wrap, by the way, and all seven people who watched it on the web appeared to enjoy it.

Paula was, and remains, eminently suited to such a broadcast and while she has moved on up to a national presence at ABC, this is where she belongs: hosting a show and letting her personality and intelligence come to the fore.

BQQB commandeers the desk after his final home game.

A few notes: Paula is a Michigan native and, while not a UM alum, an avowed Wolverine fan. It was a cruel torture for her to have to cover the Irish, a torture alleviated somewhat by a terrible 2007 ND season (3-9) and an underwhelming 2008 campaign… One of the more memorable interviews occurred between Paula and Jeff Samardiza’s dad, on senior day in 2006, when the elder Samardzija veered near Joe Namath/Suzy Kolber territory. I doubt that video exists, but it was funny; Paula handled it like a pro… on that same afternoon, as the Irish moved to 10-1 heading into the next week’s showdown at USC, quarterback Brady Quinn actually jumped up onto our anchor desk (Paula and I were preparing for the postgame show) and began leading the student section in a “BEAT SC!” cheer. I had an uncomfortably close view of BQQB’s derriere… and, finally, I’ll never forget Paula and I doing a post-game show not during the season after she had her first child, a daughter. The infant missed her mom and was beginning to get fidgety, and Paula’s wonderful husband, John, was at a loss. So our colleague, Alex Flanagan, approached and did the nanny thing while we did the show. When the mother of your child is Paula Faris and the woman holding that child is Alex Flanagan, you’ve pretty much got the world beat.

Reserves

If those three Oklahoma teens think they were bored last week, wait until they see what the rest of their lives has in store for them. Tragic and mind-numbingly stupid.

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Kudos to Andy Gray of SI for noting Wilt Chamberlain’s 77th birthday yesterday and providing this photo with the caption, “Here (Wilt) is in fourth grade. Can you spot him?”

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Molly Ringwald tweets, after a three-week hiatus from Twitter, “I’m back. What did I miss?” and Jason Gay of The Wall Street Journal comes back over the top with, “Nothing. Jake’s still outside the church with the red Porsche.” And that’s why Jason Gay is one of my favorite follows. (that’s two Jason Gay mentions in as many days, veering dangerously close to Gareth Bale territory).

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Toma’s brief stay with the Cards comes to an end.

The Arizona Cardinals cut former Notre Dame wideout and undrafted free agent Robby Toma. All the 5-10 Hawaiian does is catch everything thrown his way, and often with one hand. If things work out, the Patriots will sign him and turn Toma into the next Wes Welker/Danny Woodhead/Danny Amendola. If things don’t work out, he may just return home to Oahu. Either way, it’s good to be Robby Toma.

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Shayne Skov: He’s STILL there? Our 2013 Carlos Huerta Award favorite (a.k.a. the Van Wilder Award)

Team to love this season? Stanford. The Cardinal lost two games all last season, neither of which it should have: they blew a 13-3 lead at Washington on a Thursday night (NEVER pick the higher-ranked team, playing on the road, on a Thursday night ESPN game) and their overtime loss at Notre Dame was a disputed matter of inches. Stanford QB Kevin Hogan returns after the Andrew Luck Hangover Season, and its marquee opponents –UCLA, Oregon and Notre Dame — all visit the Alto of Palo. The toughest road contest is at USC, which two years ago was a classic –and could be again this season.

The Cardinal meet the Hunger Factor, too. Watch out for them.

Starting Five

1. Our Man in the Fertile Crescent

Engel: Taking the road less traveled, and that road may be littered with IEDs.

This is Richard Engel, who should turn 40 years old next month (Sept. 16), God –and Allah–willing.

Engel was raised on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. His father worked at Goldman Sachs and Engel, despite his dyslexia, attended Stanford University. By all rights he should either be working at a Silicon Valley start-up or at a consulting agency such as McKinsey & Co.

Instead, upon graduation from Stanford in 1996, Engel moved to Cairo because he sensed that the Middle East was where the next wave of meaningful international events were taking place (oh, and because Don broke up with him and Jim was in New Hampshire canoodling with Grace Gummer). Anyway, Engel had no job prospects and did not speak Arabic, but he was a man on a mission.

Today, Engel is NBC’s chief foreign correspondent and the most trusted –if not the only American — name in Middle East reportage. He bases himself in the Middle East (Beirut) and is never more than a few hours away from filing a live report from the scene of the action. This week he is in Cairo. Last December he was kidnapped for five days while covering the civil war in Syria.

The next time a reporter whines about having to cover a game in Starkville (granted, it’s no Athens), I hope he or she considers what someone like Engel does every day.

2. The Madding Crowd Goes Wild

“This Mario Balotelli guy, he sounds bonkos. He is! He’s bonkos!

Caught the second episode of “Crowd Goes Wild”, Fox Sports 1’s 5 p.m. show that stars Regis Philbin and Hey, there, Georgie Girl!

Quick thoughts: The co-hostess, England’s Georgie Thompson is star material and another valid argument for all of us to learn to speak with a British accent (we would just sound smarter). Georgie is what the Brits would call “a television presenter”, and she is truly the show’s de facto host. Regis, who is 82, spent too much time telling us about the agents with whom he dines and at one point asked panelist Jason Gay where Yasiel Puig came from. Regis needs to put down that copy of Variety and pick up a copy of Sports Illustrated.
As for Jason Gay (no, that’s not a question about an NBA player)? One of the quickest twits (i.e., Twitter wits) out there, but I’m not certain that the Wall Street Journal sports columnist transitions well to TV. He has the sort of wrecked voice that recalls a young Owen Meany.

Thompson: Look at those teeth. She can’t be British!

Former NFL player Trevor Pryce is actually well-informed and well-spoken. The surreal moment for me –and a moment funnier than anything that “Crowd’s” own Krusty the Clown, Michael Kosta, could cook up — was when Pryce gave a detailed and accurate bio of Italian striker Mario Balotelli (currently gracing the cover of SI), about whom I’m sure Regis was thinking, Didn’t Gelman and I eat at his trattoria last week? Gelman! Where’s Gelman?!? Georgie, where’s Gelman!

If ever an athlete was going to appear on the cover of SI walking on water, I thought for sure it would be Tim Tebow.

3. Chris Huston, alias “The Heisman Pundit”, Has a Passing Fancy

Miller would be the second Buckeye quarterback in the past decade to win the Heisman, and the second not named Terrelle Pryor.

Our friend Chris Huston, who is as passionate about the Heisman Trophy as we are about John Oliver, released his Preseason Heisman Watch yesterday, listing the top 10 college football players whom he envisions to be viable candidates. The decade (we’re going with the secondary definition here, as in “decade of the rosary”) have one thing in common: all are quarterbacks.

Yes, 10 quarterbacks. In Huston’s defense (and this may be the last time you see the words “Huston” and “defense” in the same sentence), 11 of the 13 Heisman Trophy winners this millennium have been quarterbacks. Curiously, none of Huston’s top ten are quarterbacks who play in Texas, though the last three Heisman Trophy winners all played at least one year of college ball in the Lone Star State (Cam Newton, Robert Griffin III, Johnny Manziel).

Huston’s No. 1, which is also ours: Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller.

Not on the H-Pundit’s list, however, are three players we are enchanted by: South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, Clemson Do-Everything-Guy Sammy Watkins, and Georgia tailback Todd “Hurley” Gurley. If you are looking for dark horses…

4. Honey and the Beis…

Don’t smirk: Jill Arrington would’ve worn this outfit on camera in a heartbeat.

Our friends at The Big Lead (look at us, with so many friends!) report that Fox’s lead NFL and MLB play-by-play man, Joe Buck, 44, is now squiring around NFL Network reporter Michelle Beadle Beisner, 36. The former Denver Broncos cheerleader does not speak with a British accent, but she should. Tim McCarver chaperones all the dates, we believe. Beisner, avid sports blog readers will recall, was first introduced to us six years ago by A.J. Daulerio, and I’ll let the link (“lemme know“) tell the rest of the story. If Daulerio, who like Beisner was completely unknown before that post, was not off pulling a Dave Chappelle at the moment, I’m sure he’d have something to opine about their relationship and concomitant sexual congress. Also, if Buck were to wed Beisner, he’d be roaming into Clay Travis territory (and Clay is now a Fox colleague). Finally, if you’re scoring at home, both Beisner and former Monday Night Football sideline reporter Lisa Guerrero were previously NFL cheerleaders. Something to think about, ladies, as you polish those applications to Medill.

Was this item catty enough for you? Not catty enough? Too catty, like Calico-catty? You tell us.

5. Question: How is Manila like Detroit?

If this were the U.S., the only things above the water line would be the greens on the back nine.

Yes, they’re both underwater. Half of the capital of the Philippine capital is currently below the water level, due to heavy rains, which begs two questions: 1) When will the floods recede? 2) Why is it Philippines with a “P” but Filipinos with an “F?” I’ve always wondered that.

Reserves

Todays’ All-Aptly Named Team inductee is Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle. Last night Doolittle entered in the eighth inning with a 2-run lead and promptly surrendered four runs without recording an out in Oakland’s 7-4 defeat. He also sabotaged a terrific seven innings by our All-Oxymoron Teamer, Sunny Gray.

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One of the better stories of the first weekend of college football (just eight days away) will be Sam Rogers. A freshman at Virginia Tech, the five-foot-ten Rogers walked on to the football team and yesterday was named the Hokies’ starter by coach Frank “I’m the Longest Tenured Head Coach in the FBS” Beamer. Rogers will be able to ease into the role as Va. Tech opens a week from Saturday versus defending national champion Alabama.

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The Christopher Lane murder  in Oklahoma is simply tragic and it completely makes no sense. That said, as an avid runner, I’ve long told friends and family that I feel far safer running in New York City than I do most anyplace else. One reason: Every place else has more teenagers who are either out driving cars or just being bored idiots. The Lane story is beyond the pale, but I’ve had teens drive past me while running and toss bottles at me. Beavis and Butthead do, unfortunately, exist.

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For what it’s worth, Yasiel Puig took a lot of heat for reportedly saying, “(Bleep) the media” yesterday. Meanwhile, Jeff Pearlman, a well-educated sports writer who was raised in the United States, was praised (by some) for posting this entry on his blog on Sunday that had, I believe, nine “F___ You’s.” So can someone please help me out here?

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So, Elijah Hood, a four-star running back, decided not to wait until after he had signed with Notre Dame, or finished his freshman season, and decommitted from the institution –to which he had committed last April –yesterday. Verbal commits are the football version of “engaged to be engaged.” Hood has plenty of months to decide where he wants to attend, and in the meantime we’ll mention that he sounds a lot like the actor who played Frodo Baggins, whose best friend was Samwise, who was played by the same actor who portrayed Rudy, who attended Notre Dame, all of which means nothing.

Starting Five

1. Blonde Ambition

Marissa Mayer of Yahoo! strikes an unlikely CEO pose. Please don’t get any ideas, Lloyd Blankfein.

That’s superwoman Marissa Mayer, wife/mom/striking beauty/and Chief Executive Officer of one of the world’s most innovative companies, Yahoo!, posing for her 3,000-word profile in this month’s Vogue. Strike a pose, indeed. Here’s the piece, by Jacob Weisberg, on the 38 year-old Silicon Valley titan, who confesses to preferring even numbers (me, too! I can divide any check in my head in the time it takes me to walk from table back to the computer, five credit cards or less, as long as it’s an even number). We are so much alike, you and I, Marissa!

2. What Lies Beneath

Sunday’s “Breaking Bad” was a series of one-on-one confrontations between the Schraders and the Whites interrupted by some subterranean shenanigans and an enormous black man enjoying a mound of cash as a mattress.

Some people hide their cash under a mattress, while others make it their mattress.

For those not keeping score, the verbal bouts were, in order of appearance:

Hank Schrader vs. sister-in-law Skyler White (Skyler wins by TKO)

Skyler White vs. sister Marie Schrader (Marie, via a slap to the face)

Marie Schrader vs. husband Hank Schrader (Hank wins, which will ultimately be his loss)

Skyler White vs. husband Walter White (Skyler wins, shows that she too can be a criminal mastermind).

What else?  Jesse Pinkman is now in custody after his Red Hot Chili Peppers catharsis (“Give it away, give it away, give it away now!”). And Lydia has given new meaning to “terminate all employees immediately.”

It was a good episode for fans of GPS tracking and subterranean subterfuge. Hank has buried all the evidence, as well as the family fortune, somewhere in the vast New Mexico high desert and saved the coordinates on a lottery ticket –you’d think he’d have learned his lesson about hiding incriminating evidence in plain sight. Also, having lived in New Mexico and felt that hard earth, there is no way Brock Lesnar, much less a middle-aged, cancer-addled White, digs that hole that deep in one day. Not happening.

As for Lydia, she visits the underground meth lab (a buried bus or motor home), deems it has failed inspection, and the next thing you know a massacre takes place up on terra firma. Lending new meaning to “terminate all employees immediately.” (wait, I already used that joke).

I think we all know this much: Hank cannot defeat Walter, or Jesse, in a battle of wits. He’s that cop who isn’t smart enough to think like a criminal. I’ll take Walter minus the points from here on out. Here are Sepinwall’s thoughts.

3. The Race Across The Sky

Peak performers: Leadville’s participants can gaze upon stunning vistas.

I’m more than a week late on this, but I did not want August to pass without a mention of the Leadville 100 Mountain Bike Race. It’s an out-and-back race, launching in Leadville, Colo. (50 miles each way) and contested across the crests of the Rocky Mountains. On August 10 Leadville staged its 20th annual race, and both the men’s and women’s champions shattered the existing course records. Alban Lakata of Austria defended his title and crossed the finish line in six hours, four minutes and one second, shaving more than 12 minutes off the existing mark (6:16:37).

In the female division, Sally Bigham of England sliced 11 minutes off the existing record, finishing in 7:17:01, and earning her first title.

Trail Rider: Bigham getting after it.

You may recall that Lance Armstrong first raced Leadville in 2008, finishing second to six-time champion David Wiens. The following year Armstrong won and set a then-course record of 6:28. He is now banned from competing there, of course.

There is also a Leadville 100 trail race (running) that was contested this weekend. Leadville, by bike or foot, should be on your Bucket List if you are a triathlete.

4. Lastros Update: They Went To 11

We want Elmore to play all nine positions now.

The Texas Rangers, who scored 15 runs in Saturday’s win against Seattle, post 11 runs in the third inning of last night’s pummelization of Houston. Eleven runs, and the Rangers did not hit a triple or a home run (for the record: six singles, one double, three walks and two errors). In the eighth inning, with the Astros trailing 16-5, catcher Jake Elmore moved to pitcher and hurled a 1-2-3 inning. Elmore, who made his Major League debut at catcher (Elmore ordinarily is an infielder) four innings earlier, became just the 14 player in MLB history to both catch and pitch in the same game. He was also the only one of the four Astro pitchers to toss a scoreless frame.

So I got to thinking: If you’re the Lastros, 30.5 games out of first place, why not commit to having Elmore play a different position each inning for a nine-inning game at Minute Maid Park? You can promote the heck out of this. In case you are wondering, Elmore would not be the first player to perform this feat: It was previously done twice in 2000 (Scott Sheldon, Texas, and Shane Halter, Detroit) once in 1968 by Cesar Tovar (Minnesota) and originally in 1965 by Bert Campaneris (Oakland).

By the way, Campy’s stunt was the brainchild of legendary A’s owner Charles O. Finley. He promoted it as “Campy Campaneris Night” as the A’s were in the final throes of a 103-loss season (great minds, etc.). Campy’s night, Sept. 8, 1965:

1st inning: SS

2nd inning: 2B, one assist

3rd inning: 3B

4th inning: LF, put-out

5th inning: CF, put-out

6th inning: RF, error

7th inning: 1B, put-out

8th inning: P, allows one hit, two BBs, one run. More importantly, he pitched ambidextrously.

9th inning: C, With score tied and men on first and third, the Angels attempt a double steal. On toss back to home plate, the runner barreled into Campy, who held onto the ball for the out. Campaneris had to leave the game, though, with a shoulder injury and the Angels would win in the 13th inning.

See, we all learned something.

5. Art by A.J.

My buddy A.J., who is just 22 (I’m his friend when circumstances allow me to not have to be his father figure)  has designs on being Hollywood’s next Ryan Gosling. Or Derek Cianfrance (that’s the director of “Blue Valentine” and “The Place Beyond the Pines”, who actually lives in A.J.’s Brooklyn ‘hood and whom, of course, A.J. has approached and introduced himself to.

A.J., by the way, is fearless. He has in the past introduced himself to Mark Cuban and Eric Chavez, at different times, at the same Upper West Side saloon. Cuban and A.J. would hang out for an entire evening, whisking around New York City with some female accompaniment in a rented sedan. When A.J. Burnett was traded from the Yankees to the Pirates, Chavez actually mistakenly sent my A.J. a text asking how he was doing. I solved the riddle for A.J. as to what that was about. A.J. once even approached Ann Hathaway at a coffee shop off 14th Street and inquired, “How’s the” career going?” (“Good,” she replied. “How’s yours?”).

He’s fearless. He’s not always tactful. But that’s part of A.J.’s charm.

Anyway, lower on A.J.’s list of interests is painting, although to my untrained eye he has some serious skills. He brush-worked the above piece in about four hours on a recent evening, and there’s more like this that I’d like to highlight. So, yes, now Medium Happy is an art gallery of sorts. If you like this piece, let me know. You can be the first on your block to own an A.J.

Reserves

Vampire Die-aries

It says here “Vampires should not remain outdoors during daylight ho— OWWWWW!!!”

On the season finale of “True Blood” (we jumped off the bus after Godric’s self-immolation back in Season 2), actor Alexander Skarsgard, i.e. Peter Northman, meets a buck-naked, full-frontal fiery end while relaxing on a lounge chair and doing some light reading atop a snowy peak in Sweden. In case you did not know, Skarsgard’s dad, Stellen, is the dude who played the supercilious professor in “Good Will Hunting.”

Yes, it’s “Nordics on Lounge Chairs” theme day at Medium Happy.

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After Sunday night’s bean brawl in Boston, Alex Rodriguez, who is currently appealing a 211-game suspension for his involvement with the Biogenesis lab, was asked if he thought Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster, who plunked him, should be suspended. A-Rod smiled and said, “I’m the wrong guy to ask about a suspension. Holy mackerel.” What a rare, honest, and hilarious moment from him.

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Earlier, during that same game, as a 9th inning appearance by Mariano Rivera loomed and Alfonso Soriano was at bat, ESPN’s Curt Schilling harked back to Game 7 of the 2001 World Series, a game in which all three men played a significant role. Schilling recalled that after Soriano hit a home run off him in the top of the 8th to put the Yankees ahead, 2-1, the first thing he noticed was Rivera warming up in the bullpen (I’ll throw the challenge flag on that).

“And I’m thinking, I’ve just lost the World Series,” Schilling said, “because Mariano Rivera doesn’t blow saves in October.”

Maybe not — remember, this was before the epic Yanks-Sawx series of 2004 — but just to correct Schilling, that game took place on November 4.

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It’s a good question, so let’s ask it: Why isn’t Ryan Braun taking anywhere near as much heat for fraudulently defaming an innocent man as an anti-Semite as Riley Cooper has for using the N-word? I’ll take a stab at it: 1) We have Cooper’s slur on video, which is always more powerful and 2) the N-word trumps “anti-Semite.”

It was odd to read the “anti-Semite” news on ESPN’s scroll Sunday night, then flip to “Breaking Bad” and watch the Artist Formerly Known as Dr. Timothy Watley, DDS, who once recklessly labeled Jerry as an “anti-Dentite.”

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Tuned in to Fox Sports 1’s premier of “Fox Football Daily” and within 30 seconds Jay Glazer felt the need to interrupt host Curt Menefee and tell us that Brian Urlacher cheats at golf. “He once put Vaseline on my steering wheel,” Glazer told us, which one can only hope was not a double entendre.

I missed “Crowd Goes Wild”, hosted by Methuselah, but I’ll try to catch it today. I’m a huge fan of Jason Gay’s tweets –and columns –but transitioning to television? We’ll see.

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Steenkamp

Oscar Pistorius indicted. The further away we get from the night of Reeva Steenkamp’s death, the more prepostorius Oscar’s alibi sounds, no?