IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

 Avert your eyes and ears, Marco Rubio!

Starting Five

Stella!!!! (Artois)

Down 2-0 midway through the second half to Japan, Belgium (MH’s pick to win the World Cup with two header goals to even it up before the 90th minute. Then, in stoppage time, the Belgians score on the most beautiful goal that you’ve ever seen, basically a transition basket in hoops.

In the 94th and final minute, Goalkeeper Thibault Coutois grabs the rebound, rolls an outlet pass into the middle of the pitch to Kevin De Bruyne while the Japanese are napping, and a three-on-two (it was actually five on four) break ensues.  It only took two passes before Nacer Chadli scored the game-winner on the game’s final kick.

It was a pure moment of beauty, no matter whom you were rooting for.

Shoji, sprawled. Add this to your Sports Photos of the Year list….

Here at MH, unlike at the White House, we believe in empathy. So take a moment, go back and watch the video, and keep your eyes on Japan’s No. 3, Gen Shoji. He’s the dude immediately trailing the ball (i.e. De Bruyne) after the outlet pass. He outruns all of his teammates and comes within one stride of stopping the game-winning assist and slides, fruitlessly, toward the Chadli’s kick. There are no points for trying, but we want to recognize the fact that he could not have done anything more.

2. “Lonzo, Rondo. Rondo, Lonzo.” 

For reasons unbeknownst to most thinking hoops observers, the Lakers added another thirtysomething former All-Star to their squad yesterday. Point guard Rajon Rondo, a career 30.9% three-point shooter who is best with the ball in his palm, will join the Lakers. Just what they need: another point guard who cannot spread the floor. Well done, Magic/King James.

This will be Rondo’s sixth NBA franchise since 2014. We love the guy, he’s the best Connect Four player we’ve ever seen, but why is he so itinerant? JaVale McGee remains the best acquisition the Lakers have made, shy of LeBron.

3. DeMarcus Where?!?

Not to be outdone, the Golden State Warriors announced the signing of 6’11” double-double machine DeMarcus Cousins, the owner of the most intimidating glare in the NBA. If anyone can put a smile on Boogie’s face, it’s the Splash Brothers.


 (Check the timestamp on that tweet. How did you know, Andy? How did you know????)

A reminder: Cousins is an eight-year veteran and a four-time All-Star with career averages of 21.5 ppg and 11.0 rpg who has never taken part in a playoff game. Not one. He’s overdue and he’s more than ready.

4. Max Madness

Washington Nationals ace Max Scherzer is one of the two/three best pitchers in baseball the past half-decade. Three Cy Young Awards in two leagues. He’s led his league in WHIP four of the past six seasons, this one included. He’s led his league in Wins two of the past five years, not including 2018.

The Boston Red Sox, meanwhile, have baseball’s most potent offense. They lead the MLB in both runs and doubles and are second or third behind the Yankees and/or Astros in every other category. So when the Red Sox met the Nats in D.C. last night, you knew something had to give.

What you could not have expected is that Red Sox pitcher Rick Porcello, himself a former Cy Young Award winner and, like Scherzer and most great pitchers of this era, a former Detroit Tiger, would come to bat with the bases loaded and smack a base-clearing double. Porcello came to bat early in a scoreless game; there was no reason to pinch-hit for him. Meanwhile, Scherzer entered the game with an ERA just above 2.0 and a WHIP near 0.80.

And then Porcello, in his first at-bat of the season, on an 0-2 pitch that was a fastball down the middle, torched Scherzer with a shot to the left-center gap for three runs. When is the last time a Cy Young-winning pitcher had a 3-RBI hit off another Cy Young-winning pitcher? We don’t know the answer to that. Who do you think we are, Elias Sports Bureau???

The Red Sox won, 4-3.

Rule No. 7: You can attend a baseball game on any given night and see something that’s never happened in the sport before.s

5. Barney and the Cave Rescue

Yes, it was terrific news to learn that all 12 member of the Thai boys soccer team, plus their coach, were found alive (apparently, no one ate anyone else). I even saw someone tweet that they broke down and cried when they heard the news, which I find odd since that person had obviously never met any of them. I mean, people live and die every day. Okay, maybe I’m just an old man with a frozen heart…

Anyway, two things: 1) because of where they are located, deep in a web of caves, many of which are submerged under water right now, they may be trapped there (although food and water can be brought to them by divers) for weeks, even a month or two. This makes the “rescue” even more intriguing, since it’s now entered its “The Truman Show” phase. I mean, isn’t this better than any season of Survivor? If only it were a dozen hot young men and women trapped with Jeff Probst instead of 12 barely pubescent Thai boys. If only it were so….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ICugftBXZ8

2) All of this reminded me of one of the greatest sitcom episodes of all time, “Barney and the Cave Rescue” from The Andy Griffith Show. The set-up: Barney Fife gets himself into a concatenation of scrapes in which he overreacts to situations and becomes the laughing stock of Mayberry. Soon after, Andy and Barney and their girlfriends, Helen Crump and Thelma Lou, go on a picnic. Andy and Helen get lost in a cave.

What happens next is why this has always been one of the top five sitcoms ever to air. Andy and Helen escape on their own, but when they return to town the clandestinely learn that Barney has organized this massive search party. They don’t want him to look even more foolish, so they return to the cave unbeknownst to all and allow Barney and the search crew to rescue them. In 22 minutes a wonderful story of ego, pride and friendship is shared. If you’ve never seen it, I’ve thrown up the YouTube link. It’s outstanding.

Music 101

Mockingbird

 

While Carly Simon and James Taylor were making beautiful music together as husband and wife, they were also making beautiful music together. This No. 5 hit from 1974 was actually written and recorded by African-American siblings Inez and Charlie Foxx 11 years earlier and rose to No. 7 on the pop chart. Dusty Springfield and Aretha Franklin would also record versions but it was Taylor, who saw the original duo perform the song at Harlem’s famed Apollo Theater, who induced his wife to put it on her album (because this be the first and only time white musicians “borrowed” from black musicians). Their version remains the most well-known.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5c4Jl1KUy8

In recent years James has sung it live as a duet with their daughter, Sally, while Carly has done the same with their son, Ben.

Remote Patrol

World Cup

England vs. Colombia

2 p.m. FOX

What’s Portuguese for “drama queen?”

Thus far four European sides are through and two South American sides are through to the quarters. The other Asians can go bugger off.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Early late mid-afternoon but-never-at-dusk edition….

Starting Five

Iberia —————>>>> Siberia

At the World Cup in Russia, Spain, Portugal and the top two players in the world, Messi and Ronaldo, who happen to play professionally in Spain, are knocked out in one landmark weekend. And somehow Russia defeats Spain, the 2010 WC champs.

The Fresh King of Bel Air

*The judges will also accept “Le Le Lend” and “You’re Dead To Susie B.”

The Lakers have tried insta-dynasties before. When Wilt joined a squad that already had Elgin Baylor and Jerry West…When Karl  Malone and Gary Payton joined one that already had Kobe Bryant, and when Dwight Howard and Steve Nash did the same with Kobe.

All of those incarnations, which included a Hall of Famer joining the Lakers well into his 30s, produced one NBA championship. You can argue that I’m omitting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from this list, but his Lakers never made the NBA Finals (four seasons) until Magic Johnson was drafted.

LeBron James turns 34 during next season. He’s not old and/or arthritic yet. The problem with these Lakers is that they still cannot shoot the 3 with the Warriors or Rockets. We’ll see, kids. We’ll see.

No one asked, but I really thought LeBron should’ve joined the Browns as a tight end…

3. Cruise Control

This is both a true story and the entire plot of Open Water 3: At 3:20 p.m. Saturday a 33 year-old crew member on the Norwegian Getaway fell overboard in the Caribbean, north of Cuba. The man, whose name has not been released, treaded water for 22 hours until, on Sunday at 1:20 p.m., he was spotted by a crewmember from another cruise ship, the Carnival Glory.

How did the sharks miss such an easy mark? is just one of many questions I have, as well as When did Rob Konrad begin working for Carnival?

4. Feeds Shark, Becomes Bait For Snark

This is natural selection at work. Looks like a lot of land-based mammals got a free pass in the ocean this weekend.

They’re Alive!!!

BREAKING: The Thai boys’ soccer team has been found alive in the cave complex. That’s one way to get a free trip to the World Cup final.

They were trapped for nine days. Book, movie, royalties. These kids are set, particularly if they survived by eating their coach….

Music 101

Dirty Work

This early Steely Dan tune was written by Donald Fagen and Walter Becker but sung by neither: David Palmer, who would soon leave the band. One reason neither Becker nor Fagen did lead vocals is that neither wanted the song on their album, Can’t Buy A Thrill. ABC Records execs insisted. It would later make the band’s Greatest Hits album.

Remote Patrol

Tuesday

World Cup

Colombia vs. England

2 p.m. FOX

The Brits have looked better with Harry Kane leading the squad. Best they’ve looked in a long, long time. But Colombia is strong. The 10 a.m. match is Switzerland versus Sweden because we can’t have both of them in this tourney too much longer.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

Starting Five

They Put Out The Damn Paper

The War on Civility found a new front yesterday, as a gunman walked into The Capital Gazette, an Annapolis, Md., based newspaper, and gunned down five employees. And then the staff still went ahead and put out today’s edition.

And while the gunman had his own issues with this particular staff, it’s disingenuous to pretend that a president who calls the press “the enemy of the American people” at every opportunity, including just two nights ago, is not an accessory to this crime.

2. Oregon Statement

One week shy of July 4th, and the NCAA is still staging championships. That all ended last night as Oregon State took down Arkansas in the College World Series. Last year Pat Casey’s team went an astounding 56-6 but lost to LSU in the CWS. This year the Corvallis-based Beavers faltered some (55-12) but beat the Razorbacks two straight after losing the first game of the double-elimination final.

A YUGE subplot of this team the past two years has been pitcher Luke Heimlich, who last season went 11-1 with a 0.76 ERA and this year was 16-3 with a 2.92 ERA. A few years ago Heimlich pleaded guilty to sexually molesting his 6 year-old niece. And now you’re in the midst of a land mine field…

Another Beaver hurler, freshman Kevin Abel, was the star in Omaha. Abel pitched a two-hit shutout in last night’s decisive game and also got credit for the win Wednesday, coming on in relief. He won a record-setting four games in Omaha during this CWS.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nazUHZaOgc

What this CWS may best be remembered for, though, is a near-Bucknerian collapse by the Hogs in Game 2 of the series Wednesday night (we’ve already taken the switch to MH’s College Baseball intern for missing this): Arkansas had already won the first game and had a one-run lead with two outs in the top of the ninth when OSU’s Cadyn Grenier hit a foul pop close to the first base stands. Three Arkansas fielders allowed it to drop between them.


Given second life, Grenier followed with a game-tying hit, then Trevor Larnach clobbered a two-run go-ahead home run. The Hogs would not score again in this series.

Casey and Oregon State won the CWS twice before, in 2006 and 2007.

3. Jon Stewart Nails Trump (Again): “Gleeful Cruelty”

Man, do we ever need Jon Stewart and David Letterman more than ever. The former showed up on Stephen Colbert‘s show last night (must have been taped before The Capital Gazette shooting) and reminded Trump that as a nation, most of us are not assholes. And that you can’t turn lying and bullying into a virtue, no matter how often you try.

4. Bye Bye, Cars

If you live in Manhattan, you know what a panacea Central Park is to your physical and mental health. In the near-three decades I’ve resided here, I’ve always wondered what many of us have: How much more salubrious would CP be if cars were not allowed to traverse through?

After years of incremental steps, Central Park finally became a totally car-free zone this week (although I’m sure the cops will still zip through it whenever they like). Vehicles NEVER belonged here and the canard about how it made the flow of traffic all over the city easier was bogus. There’s only one horsepower that belongs in CP, and it’s attached to a buggy (and we’re not even crazy about that, for the horsies’ sake).

The closer all of Manhattan gets to being an auto-free zone, the better. We’d start with only allowing taxis, delivery trucks and mass transit. No more personal-use vehicles allowed in the city.

5. Whoa-oooooh, We’re Halfway There!

It’s a Friday and also the last day of June, which is the sixth month of the year and while July 2nd actually marks the year’s midpoint, we thought we’d have a little fun with superlatives/predictions/a look back.

Best Sports Moment Thus Far: Many to choose from, from Alabama’s championship-winning touchdown pass in overtime (ballsy call, Nick) to that crazy Hail Mary-ish pass in Minnesota that got the Vikings through to another round, to that NCAA women’s 4 x 400 final in which that USC sprinter redeemed herself from a year ago, but we’ll go with UMBC’s upset of Virginia in the opening round of the NCAA’s. A 16 had never beaten a 1 and the entire second-half gave us goosebumps.

Best TV Moment: We told you earlier this week. James Corden’s “Carpool Karaoke” with Sir Paul McCartney. If you still haven’t seen it, find it. It’s all over YouTube.

Worst Horror Story: Believe it or not, totally unrelated to anything with Trump. For me it was reading about the six people who climbed into an open-doored helicopter for a scenic sunset tour of Manhattan. The chopper lost power, plunged into the East River and the six young passengers (but not the pilot) were so securely strapped in that they drowned. All were consciously and likely fine as they hit the water and then all sat next to one another as they drowned in the cold, murky water, just a few feet below the surface.

Worst Stock Picker: Me. This year’s stock pick, Bitcoin Investment Trust (GBTC), started the year around $27 and is now at $8.37. Oh, you didn’t realize I meant that you should short it? Anyway, other MH stalwarts, such as AMZN, NFLX and MCD, are all doing well. We shouldn’t have gotten cute.

Reserves

Shanghai Noon


It begins with an under stable request from Pablo, but ends with an excellent point from Bomani (Have you ever asked a black man, “What country do you think you’re from?”)

Music 101

Prayer For The Dying

In one year in the early Nineties Henry Samuel, a.k.a. Seal, had three near-death experiences: he walked away from a nasty car wreck, came down with double pneumonia, and was standing right next to someone as they were fatally shot. The experiences caused him to ruminate a little on mortality, which produced this tune off his 1994 album, Seal (both of his first two albums were titled Seal), which went to No. 21 on the Billboard chart. We’ve always thought of Seal as Peter Gabriel’s English world-music soul brother. No?

Remote Patrol

SATURDAY
World Cup

Argentina vs France

10 a.m. Fox

I don’t care what you say, Olivier Giroud is not THAT handsome. He’s just NOT. Okay? He’s not “Jerry, it moved” dashing and I’ll hear no other arguments on this issue. Lionel Messi and friends try to drive the Frogs back across the Maginot Line. Will they fare better in Eastern Europe than Napoleon? It’s knockout round time.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 9 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five


Snake Shack

One…two…three…perhaps as many as four Surrender Cobras spotted wearing German uniforms during its 2-0 defeat to South Korea. Let the schadenfreude begin! Here’s the deal: with Mexico crumbling 3-0 to Sweden, all the defending World Cup champions needed to do was beat South Korea. Which entered the match 0-2.

Ozil: the illegitimate grandson of Peter Lorre says, “Rick! Rick! You’ve got to hide me, Rick!”

Instead, Germany allowed a goal off a corner kick in stoppage time and then an empty netter. Auf wiedersehen.

2. Summer of Dictators Continues

In June it was Kim Jong-Un. Now, on July 16, one day after the World Cup final in Moscow, President Trump will meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow for a summit. The two will reportedly discuss whether Kawhi and LeBron can coexist in Los Angeles.

3. Civility Wins! (In the Detroit Tiger Clubhouse)

You can still say anything demeaning you want about anyone if you’re the President of the United States (or a blogger!), but that sh*t won’t fly in the Detroit Tiger clubhouse. The franchise fired pitching coach Chris Bosio yesterday for making a demeaning remark to a member of the staff. No one is sure exactly what or to whom Bosio’s remark was about, but  the former Major League hurler who once threw a no-hitter against the Boston Red Sox in Fenway is gone.

Bosio, 55, was also the Chicago Cubs pitching coach when they won the World Series two years ago.

4. The Gallopin’ Grandma

This is Emma Gatewood, the first woman to solo the Appalachian Trail and complete it. The year was 1955 and by that time Gatewood was already 67 years old and had given birth  to 11 children. She was  already a great-grandmother.

Gatewood is profiled in a new feature in The New York Times called “Overlooked,” in which  obituaries are written about people who are long dead but may have been somewhat, um, overlooked at the time of their passing (yours or mine should be appearing in the year 2132).

Walk on, Emma. Walk on….

Why she took to hiking is an intriguing story that I’ll leave you to find out for yourself. But she was the first woman to hike the 2,050-mile trail, the first person of either gender to do so multiple times (three in all), and by the time she died at the age of 85, she’d also hiked the 2,000-mile Oregon Trail.

If you’re thinking, Maybe she just couldn’t stand to be around her husband…you’re right.

5. L.A.Bron?

So you think Brentwood? Or should I pull a Kobe and copter in from Newport Beach?

We’ll know by the end of the day tomorrow, right? LeBron James either opts to remain in Cleveland or to become a free agent, no? Our guess is that, while Utah is the better fit and Philadelphia is his best bet for returning to the NBA Finals (to lose) a couple more times and that Boston would say, “Thanks, not interested,” our guess is that he follows his manifest destiny and heads to Los Angeles.

He already has two homes there, he wouldn’t be the first superstar to don a Laker jersey at the peak of his career or later (Wilt, Kareem, Shaq, Karl, Gary, to name a few), and that the Lakers just have the mystique.

Exclusive look at Laker preseason scrimmage

And if you think this is all just a ploy to inveigle Susie B. to return to the Comments section, well, maybe you’re correct.

Would LeBron (now L.A. Bron or LeBrea) insist on joining the Lakers on the condition that they acquire Kawhi Leonard? Perhaps. Remember, Kawhi grew up in the L.A. area and it seems as if he just wants to go home. A Laker team of LeBron, Kawhi and Kyle Kuzma would certainly be an upgrade, but they’d still be lacking enough dead-eye three-point shooters (sure, LeBron is a terrific three-point shooter, but he needs a marksman to dish off to when he’s doubled).

Kuzma averaged 16.1 and 6.3 as a rookie. He was arguably the steal of the draft. Do NOT lose this kid.

Notice I didn’t mention Lonzo Ball. He’s a good player and his shooting will (MUST) improve, but he’s not indispensable. And I’ve gotta think L.A. Bron would not exactly mind if LaVar were not around. Magic Johnson is enough off-court hot air for one NBA franchise.

But if the Lakers deal Kuzma to get Kawhi, they’re making a fatal error. They’d be dealing a taller, younger, less traumatized version of Kawhi to get Kawhi.

Also, I don’t know that you need Paul George. Just another limousine parked outside of Katsuya, know what I mean?

Music 101

Beautiful Sunday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU4bwT8v_sQ

Did you order the one-hit wonder? Well, here it is. Daniel Boone‘s 1972 ode to the sabbath, which is pretty much the polar opposite of Johnny Cash’s classic “Sunday Morning Coming Down” (written by Kris Kristofferson), peaked at No. 1 in four countries and went to No. 15 in the U.S. The British musician’s real name is Peter Green.

Remote Patrol

World Cup

England vs. Belgium

2 p.m. Fox

Citizen Kane

They’re both through to the Round of 16, but who cares? They don’t like each other, plus Harry Kane of England is in the lead for the Golden Boot (most goals.). You have to think Belgium will hold out Lokaku.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet du Jour


Aaron Judge is the nicest budding superstar you’ll find. Derek Jeter never played catch with a fan in the stands between innings (Yeah, but he was playing shortstop) Shaddup!

Starting Five

Diego F**k Yourself!

Argentina and Lionel Messi were less than four minutes plus stoppage time away from an inglorious group-stage exit from the World Cup and then this happened….


And then Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona, who’s sort of the Charles Barkley-Joe Namath-Dennis Rodman-Pete Rose of retired international soccer stars, reacted as he did above to a fan/fans who’d probably been heckling him most of the match.

Argentina, by virtue of the 2-1 win, moves on to the Round of 16 to face France, which has the most handsome player in the tournament, Olivier Giroud.

2.  Viva Alexandria!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a 28 year-old Latina from the Bronx, defeats the top-ranking Democratic congressman under the age of 70, 56 year-old Joseph Crowley, in the Democratic primary. A change is gonna come, after all. Ms. Cortez, a former campaign worker for Bernie Sanders, campaigned on the platform to abolish ICE and as a working-class woman of color.


A few weeks ago Ocasio-Cortez was scheduled to square off against Crowley, who represents the Bronx and Queens but does not live in New York and sends his kids to school in D.C. The 10-term congressman instead sent a female surrogate to take her on. Bad move, Joe.


To his credit, Crowley conceded defeat by picking up his guitar and playing “Born To Run” in Ocasio-Cortez’s honor. For the first time in maybe forever the pol understood the lyrics, Highways jammed with broken heroes….

3. Civility War!

That’s John Lewis, now a U.S. congressman, being treated in a less than civil manner in 1964 for walking across a bridge in Alabama.

We don’t know exactly when it began, but it was some time before Robert De Niro took to the stage at the Tonys earlier this month and pointedly stated, twice, “F**k Trump!” Anyway, ever since the Red Hen owner POLITELY took Sarah Huckabee Sanders aside and told her that she was not welcome to dine there last Friday night, there apparently has been a WAR ON CIVILITY.

Funny, no one was mentioning civility after “grab her by the pussy” or “Pocahantas” or “Little Mario” or mocking the NYT reporter’s handicap or pointing at the press and declaring, “They’re the enemy.” But now every Deplorable you can find is taking his white gloves off, sniffing at Jeeves, and declaring that they shan’t put up with such umbrage while issuing the harshest of “Good day, sir!”‘ ‘s in your general direction.


You know what? F**k ’em.

4. Lost Boys

In Thailand, an entire soccer team of teenage boys is missing after they went spelunking in a cave that is subject to tidal overflow. On Saturday the dozen boys, ranging in age from 11 to 16, and their 25 year-old coach, apparently parked their bikes outside the complex of caves and traveled through a narrow, 50-foot channel to enter the caverns.

The caves are off-limits during the rainy season, which has just begun, because they can become flooded and trap visitors. A sign outside them says as much. The team has now been missing for four days.

5. Cold Fun In The Summertime

Take a gander at Gander: We’ve actually passed through this northern Newfoundland town (don’t tell anyone: it’s beautiful up there!). It’s also the setting for the sleeper Broadway musical hit, Come From Away. But it’s also located pretty far north, and so earlier this week kids were wondering if they’d have a snow day instead of having to go to school.


Granted, it was a light dusting compared to what the Ganderians (?) are used to, but it’s still snow in the summer time.

Music 101

IKEA

Dive into the clever, nerdy, guitar-addled mind of Jonathan Coulton, the only rocker who probably enjoyed high school chemistry lab. He has a mix of songs as quirky and funny as the one above, such as “Millionaire Girlfriend” and “Skullcrusher Mountain.” This is a man who keeps his picks and capo in the same art box as his icosahedron D&D die.

Remote Patrol

World Cup

Mexico vs. Sweden

10 a.m. FOX

Germany vs. South Korea

10 a.m. FS1

“Chicharito” is Spanish for, Didn’t I used to be in Party of Five?

El Tri are 2-0 in Group F and on the verge of elimination. Que? When Germany defeated Sweden on Saturday, it put both sides at 1-0-1 and within striking distance of Mexico. If Deutschland, the defending World Cup champs, put a big hurt on South Korea (expected) and the Vikings beat Mexico handily, our best friends directly to the south will be sent home on goal differential (since all three sides will be 2-0-1 and 1-0-1 versus each other). It’s bordering on insanity.