by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

"Just write, get better, keep writing, keep getting better. It's the only thing you can control." Roger Ebert, born on this day in 1942 pic.twitter.com/MuHrO6QxOe

— Ray E. Boomhower (@RayBoomhower) June 18, 2019

Ebert’s autobiography, Life Itself, is a terrific read. MH staff recommends.

Starting Five

Fox Hunt

Dallas Morning News photographer Tom Fox was on his way to a federal courthouse to do what he gets paid to do, shoot photos. Just before he walked inside Fox encountered a shooter of another type. Instead of running, he took the shot of his life.

I absolutely cannot believe how close the Dallas shooter was to @TomFoxPhoto today. So glad Tom escaped ok. pic.twitter.com/YwZruXlyIw

— Robert Cohen (@kodacohen) June 17, 2019

Fortunately, police gunned down the man as if he were a four year-old who’d stolen a Barbie and no one else was hurt. Also, because he was white, you won’t hear the words “radicalized” or “terrorist” about him from anyone in the White House, if they even mention this incident at all, which they likely will not.

The shooter, a former U.S. Army infantryman, was fatally wounded by police.

Crowd Strike

If you’re scoring at home, some two million people in Hong Kong assembled to protest a new bill that would allow mainland China to extradite suspected criminals for trial. Public protesting in Hong Kong is itself a crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison and yet some two million of the territory’s seven million citizens proudly took that risk.

Meanwhile in Toronto, hundreds of thousands gathered on a sunny and warm Monday to cheer the Raptors’ first NBA championship and watch a parade.

In one of the two mass gatherings, three people were shot (none fatally) and four arrested. We’ll let you guess which gathering (and no, David Ortiz was not at either event).

A New Zodiac Killer (and in the Bay Area, too)

We’re enjoying Ben Mezrich’s book, Bitcoin Billionaires, in which the Winklevi (twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss) disprove F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous dictum that “there are no second acts in American life.”

In fact, what this week’s events prove is that what happened before can and will happen again. In the past week Facebook, founded and still run by Winklevi nemesis Mark Zuckerberg, announced that it is launching its own cryptocurrency exchange named “Libra.” What makes that funny is that the Winklevi launched a cryptocurrency exchange a couple years ago named Gemini.

(For what it’s worth, the Winklevi were born under the sign of Leo, although the Gemini are famous twins in the Zodiac calendar, while Zuckerberg is a Taurus…and probably has never driven one.)

Anyway, you may recall that the Winklevi really did have the idea for Facebook first, but that Zuckerberg had the coding know-how that they lacked and he took their idea and ran with it. A few years later, using the funds they’d gotten from Zuckerberg in the settlement, the Winklevi were very early investors in Bitcoin, definitely the first high-profile investors, and made hundreds of millions as the cryptocurrency went from below $10 per when they bought it to where it is now, more than $9,000 per.

And now here comes Zuckerberg, who has even more money, trying to take over their new corner of the world. Wouldn’t it be funny if somehow he puts them out of business but at the same time is found to have somehow infringed upon their space and has to pay them off bigly in order to rid himself of them yet again?

Worth noting, as reported in Mezrich’s book: the Winklevi only turned to Bitcoin when every Silicon Valley start-up in need of cash turned down their offers of being investors. Reason: most start-ups end-game is to eventually be purchased by Facebook (see: Instagram) and if you’re backed by Winklevi money, there’s no way Zuckerberg is ever going to touch you. In fact, he’d likely actively try to hurt you.

Isn’t irony the best?

Disappearing Act

This is Indian magician Chanchal Lahiri, who over the weekend was chained and bound and lowered into the Hooghly River in order to attempt to replicate Harry Houdini’s famous escape trick.

It either did not go so well or it went even better than planned (as in, not only did Lahiri escape but he also made himself vanish). Alas, the authorities are going with the former and are presuming Lahiri drowned, although his body has yet to be recovered.

Onlookers, which included family and friends, waited a reported 30 minutes before launching a frantic search for Lahiri. Did they think he was a man or a sperm whale?

D-Day, Before We Forget

We forgot to post this incredibly well-done and meticulously reported story from The Atlantic, which first ran in 1960, when we saw it a couple weeks back. If you want to move past the heroic tales and the jingoistic fervor and simply appreciate what a miserable and deadly day D-Day was for countless GIs, read this account by S.L.A. Marshall titled “First Wave at Omaha Beach.”

The story is promoted as an “epic human tragedy” and that about gets it right. It doesn’t make their sacrifices any less significant, but it just goes to show you how cheaply human lives were squandered on that morning.

Paint Misbehavin’

The Birth of Venus

By Sandro Botticelli, mid-1480s.

She’s got it. Yeah, baby, she’s got it. Housed in the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, this is one of the earliest of the great Renaissance works and was likely commissioned by the Medici, since painters at the time needed patrons to survive (apparently there was an internet disruption in the 15th century, too?).

Remote Patrol

Taken

8 p.m. AMC

The 2008 movie that was supposed to scare your daughter from ever wanting to summer abroad in Paris (and yet failed spectacularly: look where they’re holding the Women’s World Cup!). I have a particular set of skills is one of the better film lines of this millennium, no?

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

One of Fox Broadcasters proudly proclaimed "Over 75% of this stadium wearing Red White and Blue" forgetting that Chile also… play in red, white and blue 🇨🇱🇺🇸

— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) June 16, 2019

Starting Five

Woodland Thrills

Some dude the casual sports fan had never heard of but who has 80% of Tiger Woods’ last name, in order, in his, won the U.S. Open. Gary Woodland, former Washburn University hoopster, shot 13-under to become the St. Louis Blue/Toronto Raptors of sports in this unusual week.

I've played the 13th hole probably 100 times and never once push-sliced one out of bounds. That's miiiiiiles right. How the heck does a golden god like Adam Scott do that to kick away the Open? Mind-boggling.

— Alan Shipnuck (@AlanShipnuck) June 16, 2019

(In which our friend Alan Shipnuck enters the Humblebrag Hall Of Fame)

Why Woodland’s win will stand out: 1) He did it at Pebble Beach (was it sunny at all there this weekend?) and 2) He ended it with like a 45-foot putt (he had two more strokes to play with and still win at the time) on the 18th.

Coughin’ Corner Kicks

Trump just showed more irritation that his Chief of Staff coughed during what he thought was a good sound bite than he did when any of the 6 children died in ICE's custody in the last year.pic.twitter.com/afUfyqmUyl

— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) June 17, 2019

ABC touted its’ Sunday night special as “30 Uninterrupted Hours with President Trump,” and insofar as any American would want to watch this feature on Father’s Day, you figure the reason would be for a glimpse of his character. You know, find me the real man behind the blue blazer and red tie and combover.

And there it was, on full display, in what we imagine Trump considered a throwaway moment that would never make it out of the edit bay.

Down Goes Frazier!

Two things happened to New York Yankee outfielder Clint Frazier yesterday: 1) He batted cleanup as the Yanks knocked the Sox around, 10-3, in Chicago and 2) he was later sent down to AAA to make room for Edwin Encarnacion.

Why the Yankees, who already have two 50-homer guys on the roster who will be returning to the lineup within the next 10 days, acquired the leading home-run hitter in the American League on Saturday would initially seem to make no sense. It’s like the Saudis trading for sand. What do we call a team that now has five dudes with at least 40-homer potential (Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton, Encarnacion, Luke Voit and Gary Sanchez): Mass Murderers’ Row?

All we can say is that like the Lord, Brian Cashman works in mysterious ways. Everyone’s guess is that 1) Encarnacion cost the Yankees basically nothing as the Mariners are holding a fire sale, so why not and 2) Cashman is packaging some of his plethora of young talent to acquire what the Yanks really need if they are going to compete with Houston and L.A. in October, a staff ace.

Look for any or all of these names to be packaged for a trade: Frazier, Greg Bird, Mike Tauchmann, Miguel Andujar and Gio Urshela. The Yankees duct-tape spring allowed other scouts to see what some of these youngsters can do in The Show and there’s no way the Bombers can keep all of these position players (happy).

Three more thoughts: this is Brett Gardner‘s final season in the Bronx, but they’ll keep him this season as he’s the unofficial team captain and 2) If I’m Clint Frazier, I’m wondering why I was sent down as opposed to designating recently acquired Kendrys Morales for assignment, but the guess is that the Yanks plan to move me. We hope not—Frazier has a bright future and Encarnacion is 36—but it all depends on what arm the Yanks can acquire, and 3) most every Yankee at-bat will now end in either a strikeout, walk or home run.

L.A.D.*

*The judges will also accept, “What Can Brow Do For You?”

Meet the new Supervillains, Susie B! (good suggestion, Jacob). Remember when the league’s MVP decided to toss off his Central Time Zone team and sign with a talent-rich squad in California? And remember how angry one of our readers became?

Well, Anthony Davis is not quite the league MVP, but he’s close and he threw a long enough hissy fit that the Pelicans traded him to be Sweet Pea’s newest teammate. Now, what happens if Kawhi joins the Lakers, as well, which could very well happen in the next few weeks? Thoughts, Susie B?

As for New Orleans, they’ll land the first and fourth picks in Thursday’s draft now as well as Laker Youth such as Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart and Brandon Ingram. We would’ve held out for Kyle Kuzma if we were the Gulls and taken one fewer, or even two fewer players (Kuzma plus the No. 4 would’ve been our ask), but the Lakers were able to keep KK.

Of course the Pelicans will select Zion with the No. 1 pick (has he already been made grand marshal of the 2020 Mardi Gras parade?), but whom to select with No. 4, where the talent dropoff begins? We don’t know and judging from the lack of consensus on the mock drafts, neither does anyone else.

We’re not huge De’Andre Hunter fans; and he’s basically the same size as Zion. We love Tyler Herro (6’6″, Kentucky) as a poor man’s Klay Thompson (a man we shouted from the rooftops for someone to draft when he came out; the Dubs listened) and we also love the Gonzagans, Brandon Clarke and Rui Hachiamura, as well as UNC’s Nassir Little. But what the Pelicans will desperately need is an outside shooter to stretch defenses, which is why we’d go agains the grain some and pick Herro.

The Yogi Berra Travel Guide

According to The New York Times, your favorite European destination (e.g. Barcelona, Amsterdam, Florence) has now become Sardi’s: “No one goes there any more, it’s too crowded.” Or, for you millennials, Coachella.

Anyway, the Times offers up six same-nation alternatives to those three places as well as for Prague, Santorini and Dubrovnik. We’d also like to see the Times do the same for the U.S.A. “Instead of Chicago, why not Milwaukee?” Or, “Forget New York City; there’s a new haven and it’s called New Haven!”

Paint Misbehavin’

*A new feature in which we learn about paintings! The title, like most art work, remains a work in progress.

Nighthawks

By Edward Hopper, 1942. The American artist put this on display soon after completing it and the Art Institute of Chicago bought it for $3,000 at auction, where it has remained ever since. One of the most famous works of the 20th century bought for next to nothing. If the Art Institute were to put it up for auction today they could probably buy an entire new museum in the Loop with the proceeds.

By the way, no one is having more than coffee. Not even a milkshake. How’s that poor counter jockey supposed to feed his family?

Remote Patrol

WWC: Germany vs. Russia

Noon Fox

The president will be pulled in both directions if he tunes in. He’s of German descent, but now wholly devoted to the Russkies. The deciding factor will be which squad has the more striking striker, we feel.

It’s “RSA,” the Republic of South Africa. In our best Emily Litella, “Never mind.”

by John Walters

Happy 73rd birthday to our very own Prince of Whales!

Starting Five

Toronto Rapture

The Raptors were very good, and for Golden State injuries to two of their future Hall of Famers were just too much to overcome. Late in the third quarter of last night’s Game 6, it really looked as if the Splash Brothers & Co. would actually force a Father’s Day Game 7. Then Klay Thompson took a pass on a fast break, soared for a dunk, and was fouled by Danny Green as he went to the rim.

Not a dirty play, but a dangerous one, and Klay may have seriously hurt his left knee. No one knew quite yet, but there was no way Warrior brass was going to be the fall guy for a second fallen HOFer whom they hope to re-sign this offseason. Dubs fans, you’ll always have the first quarter of Game 5 as a glimpse of what might have been.

Tony Bennett guarding Nick Nurse — in 1989. Both men coached their teams to championships 30 years later, barely two months apart. The universe can be freaking incredible sometimes. pic.twitter.com/c9MN11TTLL

— Matt Norlander (@MattNorlander) June 14, 2019

Thanks to Brian Kearney for alerting us to this.

As for Toronto, the city in which the first NBA game was played in 1946 located in the country that gave us the game’s inventor, a landmark moment. And yet Kawhi Leonard, the man who made it possible, may turn out to be a one-year rental. When the native southern Californian said after the game that “they” can build on this, meaning Toronto, that was telling.

Last thing: Echoing Doug Gottlieb, we love Kerr, love Curry, love the Dubs, but we don’t quite get that final play for the Dubs. You don’t need a three—you’re only down one—and you don’t need to rush it. That play was ill-fated from the highly difficult inbound pass that nearly sailed out of bounds. The Dubs had time to create. Would’ve liked to see them try.

Bummer Dude

https://twitter.com/andrewbagnato/status/1139374072620408833?s=20

It’s wonderful when sports can surprise you. Flipping back and forth between Game 6 and the Yankees-White Sox last night, and we learn that the Sox have a closer named Aaron Bummer. Literally, “A. Bummer” when he rings you up or shuts you down. Bummer struck out D.J. LeMahieu to end the game and pick up the save as Chicago, which had trailed 4-0, won 5-4.

Bummer grew up in Peoria, Arizona, which is home to the San Diego Padres and Seattle Mariners for spring training.

Sarah Slanders Slips Out

One of President Trump’s chief gaslighters, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is exiting the White House and returning to the Great Smoky Eyes Mountains Arkansas. Sanders will mostly be remembered for all the White House press conferences she did not hold as the White House Press Secretary, but also for being made extraneous by Twitter.

In lieu of an official replacement, Trump asks that you just tune into Sean Hannity’s show weeknights at 8 p.m. on Fox News.

Oman, Now You’ve Done It

*The judges will also accept “Will The Ship Hit The Fan?”

Was the “Iranian attack” of two oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman more Wag The Dog, more Syriana, or a little of both? Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, a man who shrugged off the butchering of Jamal Khashoggi with “hey, these things happen,” says that the U.S. has evidence that Iran was behind it.

Meanwhile, Iran says it is not responsible. Meanwhile, the Japanese owner of one of the two tankers reports that the crew of his ship say that it was hit by a flying object, not a mine. “There is zero possibility that they were torpedoes.”

Whom do you believe when neither Iran nor this administration has an ounce of credibility? And who gains more by these sabotage attacks? And what if it were simply a rogue actor (Osama bin Dabo?) simply hoping to stir sh*t up? Either way, we don’t know why Iran would want to punch the U.S. in the nose unless Russia or China is putting them up to it.

Fortunately, cooler heads in Washington, D.C., will likely prevail. There’s no way America would ever be provoked into an unnecessary war in the Middle East in the 21st century. We’re so beyond that.

The Wealthy Widows of The Plaza Hotel

You cannot get much more Sunday Times than this: The Plaza Hotel, inarguably the crown jewel of Manhattan lodging (and scene of the final scene of The Way We Were and a pivotal early scene from North By Northwest); a collection of eccentric wealthy dowager tenants; and the hotel’s owner and erstwhile resident, Donald J. Trump. A good read, this.

Music 101

You Need To Calm Down

You probably have hangnails older than this Taylor Swift song, which “dropped” last night on the YouTube and likely elsewhere. I think M.I.A., who released “Paper Planes,” a decade or so ago, may want to sue for royalties on this one.

Remote Patrol

Fox Father’s Day

Women’s World Cup: USA vs Chile

Noon Fox

U.S. Open Final Round

2:30 p.m. Fox

Paris to Pebble Beach. Not a bad journey to take without changing the channel. We’ll be out slinging drinks and burgers, but if you’re a dad and your family loves you, they may just let you park it on Fox all day.

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Tim Russert died 11 years ago today. A reminder of his unparalleled ability to separate guests from the answers they THOUGHT they were going to give. 💯

(via @MeetThePress) #RIP pic.twitter.com/TfbiI6zZ0v

— Carl Quintanilla (@carlquintanilla) June 13, 2019

Starting Five

Ending The Season On A Blue Note

On January 7 the St. Louis Blues had the lowest point total of any team in the NHL. On June 12th the Blues hoisted their first Stanley Cup, despite losing two games at home in the finals to the Bruins by five and four goals, respectively. The Blues were founded in 1967.

Odd. The Bruins and Blues combined to lose Games 5, 6 and at home. St. Louis clinched it last night with an anti-climactic 4-1 win. Boston did not score until there were less than three minutes remaining. And so the city of Boston must sate itself with only two, not three, pro sports championships in the past nine months.

Joke-l Yokel

Beloved Clemson football coach/sweetheart yokel Dabo Swinney made an interesting comment during an appearance on a Sirius XM radio show earlier this offseason (we have been unable to pinpoint the exact time or who the show’s hosts were). Referring to how he has gone from being a favorite son in Alabama (where he was a walk-on wide receiver) to a nemesis, Swinney said:

“I think it was all fun and games early on. It was ‘Aww, isn’t that sweet?’ and all that stuff. I don’t know about walls, but I am kinda like Osama Bin Dabo,” Swinney said with a laugh. “I have to navigate my way through the caves and back channels to make my way through Alabama these days. They aren’t as happy to see me.”

We get what he’s saying, and maybe that’s a joke you make while having beers with friends, but when you’re the $92 million man/head football coach of a two-time national champion, you’ve got to be held accountable for that comment. Remember, Dabo also had the lack of self-awareness to say that if they paid player he might as well go coach in the NFL, which is odd since he’s earning nearly eight figures per year now (from his school; he’s over eight figures per year when you add on the garnishes).

Is Dabo college football’s Donald? Should we be taking him “figuratively and not literally?” Will it be awkward for Kirk Herbstreit, who now has two freshman preferred walk-on sons on the Tiger roster, to continue defending Dabo from his Saturdais (we’re coining that term)? And wouldn’t Brian Kelly be publicly crucified in the A Block of every ESPN SportsCenter for a 24-hour news cycle, at least, had he said that about the 9/11 mastermind?

Barry’s “Pine Barrens” Episode

The more we catch of HBO’s Barry (we’re halfway through Season 2), the more we see it as derivative of Breaking Bad. And that’s not really a knock.

The similarities: Our protaganist is leading a double life, one half of it that needs to remain secret since although he (still) sees himself as a good guy, or is at least grappling with it, he commits heinous acts. His activities are not just criminal in nature, but felonious and murderous. He’s reached the point where he’s killing in order to maintain his charade. And he’s deluding himself into thinking that he’ll be able to walk away from this if he makes just one (more) big score/hit.

Also, whereas Walter White had Jesse, Barry has Fuches. And while Walter was the mentor and Barry is the protege (i.e., roles reversed), there’s still that love/hate symbiotic relationship, partnership, you’re-the-only-person-who-really-knows-me aspect to it.

However, whereas Breaking Bad was mostly a drama with comic elements, Barry is exactly the inverse: a comedy with dramatic elements. And there’s no walking that back, even if they were to try. Which I don’t think they are.

As close as it comes to Breaking Bad, the series takes a Sopranos detour during one episode of Season 2, “Ronny/Lily.” In this episode, which is highly reminiscent of “Pine Barrens,” most of the cast is never seen. Two of our characters find themselves in an unfamiliar place, up against a formidable and new opponent who seems to be nearly immortal. There is a tension that builds because we never switch to another subplot or story arc. The story stays with these same folks all the way through and, just like “Pine Barrens,” it ends somewhat unresolved.

Where is that girl? And is she going to return, or just haunt his dreams for the rest of the series? If you don’t know what we’re talking about, we suggest you give Barry a watch. It’s good.

After typing this, I Googled to see if I was the only one who had this perspective. Of course not. And yes, Bill Hader both wrote and directed this episode. Can you imagine being a schlub in the writers’ room and here the series star turns in the best script the show has seen yet?

Ironman Deaths

Not one but two competitors at a half-Ironman in Madison, Wisconsin, died during the swim portion of the event. For the uninitiated, a half-Ironman, or “70.3”, encompasses a 1.2-mile swim, a 56-mile bike ride, and a 13.1-mile run. Add up the distances and you get 70.3 miles. Also, and this is worth noting, the swim comes first.

Last weekend in Madison, Todd Mahoney, 38, and Michael McCullouch, 61, both died during the swim portion of the race. We’ve only done one Olympic-distance triathlon, but we’ve never quite understood why triathlon officials continue to use the swim as the race’s first event. We understand the thinking that the water is most dangerous (see beginning of this paragraph) and that you want entrants at their most rested for it, but the downside with everyone entering water at once (even with a staged start, many enter water at once) is that there’s chaos in the water. It’s somewhat akin to watching piranhas fight over a lost pig.

This may have had nothing to do with the two triathletes’ deaths. But we’d be much in favor of starting a tri with the bike, then move to the swim, then finish with the run.

Also, we thought this was an interesting comment by Madison’s mayor, Satya Rhodes-Conway, after the event: “My thoughts are with the families and loved ones of the two athletes who died while competing in the Half Iron Man on Sunday.” Like, she had to add that “Half” in there just to throw a little shade.

Who Are Ryu?

In five of the past eight seasons, the National League ERA leader has been Clayton Kershaw of the Los Angeles Dodgers. In fact, Kershaw is the only starting pitcher still alive whose career ERA is in the top 30 all-time in baseball. The only other pitcher among all still alive also in the top 30 is former Yankee closer Mariano Rivera, who was the first unanimously voted in Hall of Famer (last winter).

Babe Ruth, it should be noted, has a lower career ERA (2.28) than Kershaw’s 2.41.

This season finds the Los Angeles lefty somewhat returning to Earth with a 3.00 ERA, but another starter on the Dodger staff, Hyun-Jin Ryu, is on the verge of an historic season. Rye’s 1.36 ERA is the lowest in baseball and the South Korean native also has a 9-1 record, but that’s somewhat besides the point given LA’s talented lineup.

Ryu, 32, who missed all of 2015 and pitched only one game in 2016 due to labrum surgery and shoulder issues, is currently the best pitcher in baseball. Yes, it’s only late spring in a regular season that extends outward to early autumn, but you have to go back 101 years, to Walter Johnson’s epic 1918 season (CORRECTION: “go back 61 years, to Bob Gibson’s epic 1968 season”…and yes, I’m somewhat disturbed realizing I was alive in 1968 and it’s closer to 1918 than it is to the present) when he posted a 1.27 ERA (and a 23-13 record) to find a pitcher who finished a season with a lower ERA than the one Ryu has now.

And we cannot help but wonder why Ryu hasn’t garnered more attention, other than the fact that most sportswriters/media cannot converse with him without the help of a translator.

Remote Patrol

NBA Finals

Game 6: Raptors at Warriors

9 p.m. ABC

So yesterday I spent a few moments thinking about how I blew the headline two days ago on Kevin Durant’s injury, how it should have been “Achilles’ Last Stand.” Some of you may recognize that as the title of a Led Zeppelin tune that weighed in at 10 1/2 minutes and, despite being a favorite of guitarist Jimmy Page’s, is included on arguably the band’s worst album, Presence, from 1976.

I mention this because in high school I had a classmate (we spent four years in the same Latin class) who was an editor of our school paper, The Roundup, who got his jollies by slipping in the titles of Led Zeppelin songs into the paper’s headlines “No Quarter In The First Quarter” is one I recall, when our football team was taken behind the woodshed early against an opposing team quarterbacked by future Notre Dame utility stud Steve Belles.

Anyway, I lost track of this classmate for years, and then suddenly you know what? He was the EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of Maxim magazine. His name is Keith Blanchard. True story. And while that has nothing to do with tonight’s Game 6, the final Warrior contest at Oracle Arena, I thought you might find it interesting.

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Hope Solo out here at #USAvTHA game giving us her best Cersei-Lannister-drinking-wine-on-a-balcony lewk pic.twitter.com/5fyPKLvBBR

— Samantha Bender (@SamBenda) June 11, 2019

Starting Five

Morgan, Flair Child*

*The judges will also accept “Bad Thai”

The Sports Illustrated cover curse does not, apparently, extend to swimsuit models as Alex Morgan ties (Thais?) a World Cup record, women’s or men’s, with five goals in Team U.S.A.’s 13-0 defenestration of Thailand.

No team, men or women, had ever scored 13 goals in one match and none had ever scored 10 in one half, as the U.S. ladies did in the second half. No, they have nothing for which and nobody to whom they need to apologize. It was soccer at the very highest level for their gender. If you can’t handle that, go watch old episodes of The Honeymooners.

Hard Knocks

Speaking of the magic number 13 and records, two nights ago at Citizens’ Bank Park the Diamondbacks and Phillies combined for a Major League-record 13 home runs in one game. The first three D-Back hitters all slugged long balls—and the Phils never even blinked about keeping their starter, Jerad Eickhoff, in.

The Minnesota Twins, who probably have no one in their lineup that will ever end up in Cooperstown, are ahead of the Yankees’ record pace from last season for the most home runs hit in one season (267). Last night the Atlanta Braves hit four solo home runs in the second inning off the Pirates’ Chris Archer, who also stayed in the game.

Okay, yes, the balls are somewhat juiced. But the batters are stronger, the pitchers throw harder, and the geeks have figured out that it’s smarter to play all-or-nothing ball (long ball or whiff) than it is to “make contact,” which is what your Little League coach emphasized. But he’s coaching Little League and not looking at a max deal in the nine-figure range, yo.

Jon Stews

"You should be ashamed of yourselves": In an emotional testimony, former "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart blasted a more than half-empty congressional panel for the delays in reauthorizing a fund for 9/11 first responders https://t.co/iHJXgvogp4 pic.twitter.com/VoGOMTv0yA

— CBS News (@CBSNews) June 11, 2019

Some people talk the talk, but former Daily Show host Jon Stewart has spent years advocating on behalf of police, firemen and other first-responders who answered the call on 9/11 and have been forgotten, in terms of health-care issues directly brought on by their work on that day and the months after. Yesterday he was back on Capitol Hill and he took it to Congress the way he once took it to Tucker Carlson and Paul Beglia on Crossfire (there’s a reason that show no longer exists).

When you have truth and righteousness on your side, when you have clarity of purpose and are inherently articulate, you don’t lose arguments to fools and puppets. Jon Stewart exemplifies this over and over again.

Someone tweeted it and I had to wonder: What if Jon Stewart announced tomorrow that he was running for president? How high up in Democratic polling would he rise? I mean, the guy who IS president probably wouldn’t have the job if he hadn’t had his own puffed-up reality show, so why not Stewart, who actually knows how to speak and immerses himself in understanding issues about which he cares?

If you want the details about which House Judiciary subcommittee members were no-shows, read this. Just know that “meeting with their constituents” is usually just meeting with big donors and/or lobbyists. Folks like you and I don’t get face time with Congress members.

He Said, Xi Said

Nobody ignites a forest fire, then threatens to withhold the water, then shows up with the water just as your home is about to be engulfed in flames, then tries to take a victory lap for saving your home (and you owe it all to him) quite like Donald Trump. Remember two weeks ago when he threatened the 5% tariff against Mexico unless they tightened up on illegal immigration and said he’d raise it 5% each month, and recall how we said this was all a gigantic bluff?

What happened? At the 11th hour Trump announced he and Mexico had made an agreement, the details of which were not revealed, but Trump did hold up a white envelope before the media today (which probably was his third and final notice from Hustler that his subscription was in danger of being canceled) and claimed the details of said agreement were therein.

We don’t doubt that Trump’s threat may have gotten the Mexicans to awake from their siestas (racially insensitive of us?) and at least pledge to take a harder stance on the issue. We also don’t doubt that this was largely kabuki with two goals in mind: 1) appease his Mexicans-hating base and 2) get people to stop talking about Mueller.

Next up is China (“Gyna”) and President Xi. Trump has threatened tariffs against the Chinese, too, but they don’t scare so easy. The next showdown is June 28-29 at the G20 Summit in Osaka, Japan. Trump has pledged more tariffs on Gyna if Xi does not meet with him face to face. More kabuki. If Xi meets him, even if nothing is resolved, Trump will take a victory lap for making Xi his dog. But if Xi does not meet with him, Trump will just move the line in the sand further back. Or he’ll find a way to blame big tech for all of it.

Did You See Nuguse?*

*The judges acknowledge that it’s actually pronounced “Na-goose”

Last weekend in Austin Notre Dame sophomore Yared Nuguse ran an unforgettable final 100 meter in the men’s 1500 meter final to capture the school’s first national championship in that prestigious event (the so-called “metric mile”) since 1926 (Charles Judge). You can skip up to the 1:50-mark of the video.

The most satisfying part of this race is that Nuguse finished in a virtual tie with the Michigan State runner (he won by 3/1000s of a second) but Notre Dame gets to claim the national championship. Some things never change.

Eighty-Six Happiness

Took this order yesterday: “I’ll have the Greek salad. No feta. No olives. Add chicken. Add avocado. Chopped…and I’ll have the dressing on the side. And a Diet Coke. No ice.”

Meg Ryan ruined restaurants for the rest of us.

Music 101

Runaway

In the summer of 1969, Jefferson Airplane was one of the headline acts at Woodstock. A decade later, they’d amped up the turbo power to become Jefferson Starship and were playing more radio-friendly California-style hits. This tune was all over FM airwaves in the summer and fall of 1978. It rose to No. 12 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

Women’s World Cup Doubleheader

Germany vs Spain

Noon Fox

France vs Norway

3 p.m. Fox

In the most recent FIFA rankings, these four European sides are ranked 2nd, 13th, 4th and 12th respectively. Plus, that Fox set in front of the Eiffel Tower is hella cool and Rob Stone’s probably going to say something to upset Female Twitter, so stay tuned.