by John Walters

The Women

Yes, they won. In what seemed to us a foregone conclusion ever since they waxed the floor with Thailand, 13-0, the USWNT won the World Cup in Lyon yesterday with a 2-0 triumph over Holland.

In total, the USWNT outscored its foes 26-3. Players such as Julie Ertz, Tobin Heath, Alex Morgan and, of course, Megan Rapinoe, have crossed the threshold into icon status (Morgan was already there) and, if nothing else (and there is something else), will own and operate successful and highly lucrative soccer camps for as long as they want.

Equal pay? From U.S. Soccer, why not? From clubs, well, that’s still a long way off. Then again, if you watched the Gold Cup last night, it’s not as far off as the prospects of us seeing the U.S. men play in a World Cup finals. Not in this lifetime.

Wendell On Epstein

While we were serving the hungry and thirsty this weekend, Wendell Barnhouse pecked out an essay on the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein and its potential for greater collateral damage. We’re more than happy to run his column and, as we have to sprint off to another shift—that Ferrari ain’t gonna buy itself–we’ll leave you with this today…

By Wendell Barnhouse

This summer of our discontent – which likely foreshadows the summer of 2020 when we’re really pissed off – received an unscheduled and unexpected jolt of hope. Can we all agree we need to keep  hope alive?

Most of us had July 17 circled. That’s when Robert Mueller is scheduled for public hearings in Congress. That should rival any three-ring circus as Democrats will try to avoid sound-byte grandstanding and Republicans like Louie Gohmert and Jim Jordan will no doubt ask questions through frothing mouths.

But those who remember the “Saturday Night Massacre” in 1973 were offered another Saturday Night fever dream. As he stepped off a plane at Teterboro Airport in New Jersey, billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was arrested. It was not the end to a two-week Paris trip he expected. Epstein, a registered sex offender, was charged with sex trafficking of young women and girls.

This is a familiar feeling for Epstein, a hedge fund/financial planner who also might be a money launderer for all kinds of nefarious characters. In 2007, Epstein was given a sweetheart plea deal after being charged with statutory rape of numerous underage high school students. His 13-month work-release sentence allowed him to spend half of each day at his home. And never mind sex offenders are not legally allowed for such “freedom.”

Two of Epstein’s lawyers at the time were Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, a couple of high-dollar ambulance chasers. They’ve wallowed in the glory of legal and moral slop. Dershowitz helped acquit the most famous double murderer of the 20th century. Starr, the man who helped bring impeachment charges on President Bill Clinton, went on to become president at Baylor University. During his tenure the school was involved in a sickening series of sexual assault accusations, most levied against football players.

The federal prosecutor who signed off on Epstein’s deal was Alexander Acosta. The plea bargain was illegal. It violated the Crime Victims’ Rights Act because Epstein’s victims were not informed of the deal and never had a chance to testify in court. Poof. No trial, no discovery, no evidence. Everybody but the victims live happily – and more than comfortably – ever after.

Karma, as we know, is a bitch. Karma also is undefeated. The news of Epstein’s arrest probably caused some sleepless nights for some VIPs. Doctors on speed dial likely were asked for stronger Xanax scripts.

Julie K. Brown, the lead reporter for the Miami Herald’s three-part investigative series (aptly titled “Perversion of Justice”), cracked open and exposed the illegal deal Epstein received. She said Sunday there are other shoes (names) that could drop.

“So, there are probably quite a few important people, powerful people, who are sweating it out right now,” she said. “We’ll have to wait and see whether Epstein is going to name names.”

It is worth noting is that the Epstein case is being handled by the Public Corruption Unit of the Southern District of New York. That signals that the dragnet will be cast wide. Dum, da dum dum. (Also, last week a Trump Tweet ranted about New York Attorney General Letitia James being so unfair. Think he knew what was coming? … Yeah, he knew.)

Sex trafficking and human trafficking are scourges that have been overshadowed by many other important and troubling issues. The buying and selling of young women is a multi-billion dollar enterprise that involves the rich and the powerful, money laundering and Russian oligarchs (editor’s note: and the owner of the reigning Super Bowl champions).

Epstein’s “black book” allegedly has well-known names. In a related matter, last week 2,000 pages of previously sealed testimony was ordered unsealed. In the next few weeks, that testimony could be released. The 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals decision references allegations of sexual abuse involving “numerous prominent American politicians, powerful business executives, foreign presidents, a well-known Prime Minister, and other world leaders.”

The previously named Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, Les Wexner (77 years old and founder of Victoria’s Secret – that is not a joke) and Dershowitz were among those who allegedly participated in what was called Epstein’s “Lolita Express.” 

And, there’s (pussy grabber) President Donald Trump. Epstein’s Florida estate is just minutes from Mar-a-Lago, the “Southern White House.” Trump and Epstein have palled around for the last 30 years. “Terrific guy,” The Donald said of Epstein, in a 2002 article. “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It’s even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”

You may now pause and take a shower.

This is a 30-minute video of a woman who claims when she was 13 that Trump had three sexual encounters with her, including a rape role play. She says Trump knew that she was 13. His daughter Ivanka was also 13. The woman says that Trump asked her to wear a blonde wig and commented about how much she looked like her daughter.

You should now pause and take another shower. If you take the time to watch the video, you might need disinfectant.

Before you start Googling my name and “conspiracy theories,” perhaps it’s fair to say all this is just more thick, black smoke but no fire. However, anyone who has been following Trump News since the day he descended his gold escalator in 2015 understands that he appears to be involved in a lot of illegal shit. Other than bankruptcies, during his adult life he’s cleverly skated away, no matter how thin the ice.

Epstein is 66. After he was arrested, the FBI raided his New York City townhouse. If there’s enough evidence to convict, he could spend the rest of his life in jail. If he doesn’t get a lenient placement at a nice Gray Bar Hotel, his reputation as a pedophile will make for some interesting nights. (Trump, of course, would face no criticism for pardoning a pedophile sex trafficker.)

If found guilty and given the opportunity to reduce his sentence, would Epstein flip and give up the goods on his high-rolling, sex-crazed acquaintances? If he comes clean, how many others get dirty? The juicy possibilities are endless. Will this Epstein case provide the smoking gun? Two interesting notes to consider. And trust me, there are dozens upon dozens of similar interesting notes.

• Bear Stearns employed Epstein in the 2000s. During the financial collapse of 2008, Bear Stearns went out of business. Epstein reportedly lost $57 million and allegedly provided testimony against the financial giant; that testimony might have helped him gain the sweet deal he received. Trump just happened to be a major client of Bear Stearns at a time when he was toxic to most reputable firms. Also, Epstein’s status as a “billionaire” has been questioned.
  
  
• Acosta, who broke the law with his plea deal for Epstein, is the current Secretary of Labor in the Trump Administration. His appointment to that post was curious unless one believes in quid pro quo. And unless one knows that the Labor Department oversees the nation’s human trafficking laws. And unless one knows that two weeks ago the Labor Department declared a moratorium on visas for victims of human trafficking. 

Watergate, as we know, went all the way to the top. We’re as beyond Watergate as Apollo 11 was beyond the Wright Brothers. There’s something about those tangled webs of deception. Once you pull on the correct thread, the untangling can begin.

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Happy birthday, @mPinoe. 🎂🇺🇸⚽️🍺🎸 pic.twitter.com/RPTKG05usY

— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) July 5, 2019

Starting Five

Rain Man

Sure, there was the claim that our army, during the American Revolution, “took over the airports” (Fake News?). But beyond President Trump demonstrating the greatest ignorance of American history in a public forum since Frank Drebin attempted to sing the national anthem in The Naked Gun, we’d like to suggest something more sinister was being attempted.

Tell us if we’re nutso on this one.

Was it only a coincidence that of all the places Trump could have held this affair, he did so on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial? And no, we’re not suggesting this event was a clapback to Barack Obama’s pre-inauguration extravaganza on this same ground in January 2009.

We’re wondering if this was a subtle appeal to white supremacists and/or warhawks: Remember when Martin Luther King, Jr., blasphemed this space with his “I Have A Dream” speech and his beliefs of civil rights and peace among men? Well, let’s erase that moment by creating a bigger one at the same site that salutes not peace, but war. Not equality, but domination.

There’s a great, albeit pretentiously in character, line from Bono before U2 launches into “Helter Skelter” on its Rattle & Hum live album: “This song was stolen from the Beatles by Charles Manson. We’re stealing it back.” To us, yesterday’s attempt by Trump and his followers was analogous to that, which would of course make MLK Manson in the analogy.

The good news that came out of yesterday is that if 1) you take part in Revolutionary War reenactments and 2) you own a Piper Cub, then life just got a lot more interesting for you.

Sterling Man

Cal Ripken, Jr., played in a Major League-record 2,632 consecutive games for the Baltimore Orioles. John Sterling called nearly double that amount of games in a row as the New York Yankees radio voice until yesterday. Sterling, who is 81, missed the Yanks’ 8-4 10-inning defeat of the Tampa Bay Rays at the Trop last night due to health concerns.

Sterling, whose home run calls are the stuff of local legend (“An A-bomb for A-Rod!”), sees his streak end at 5,060 games. As Linda Cohn mentioned on SportsCenter last night, the last time Sterling missed a Yankee game the team’s first baseman was Don Mattingly.

Consider this. America celebrated its 243rd birthday yesterday. Sterling, still working, is 81. He’s literally been alive more than 1/3 of the entire existence of this great nation (are you reading this, Phyllis?!?). That’s incredible to us.

Chopper Down

Here’s the thing about helicopters that makes them unlike planes: they don’t have wings, so that when they lose power there’s absolutely no chance to glide them down for a safe landing, a la Sully Sullenberger. They drop like a stone.

That may have been what happened after midnight to West Virginia coal billionaire (two words you rarely see in tandem) Chris Cline, who along with six other people perished when their helicopter en route from the Bahamas to Fort Lauderdale—a relatively short flight—splashed into the Atlantic. All seven died.

Cline, strangely, was born on July 5, 1958. He died on his 61st birthday.

America’s Latest Divide: Numerators and Denominators!

Writing for The Washington Post, columnist Marc A. Thiessen opines, in a story that is running on her 34th birthday, that “Megan Rapinoe is dividing Americans instead of uniting them…”

As our Twitter friend Allen Kenney suggested, “My kingdom for a moratorium on these empty “uniting/dividing” pieces. It’s the latest 3rd rail of American public life: do not be accused of DIVIDING Americans. Such claims are only and always made by one type of American: the one who does not want the status quo upset.

The irony in such a statement is too transparent not to slam you in the face with its obviousness. First of all, the very creation of this nation was all about people wanted to overturn the status quo (of being colonists who paid taxes to mother England without representation). Second of all, let’s think about who, in terms of sheer numbers of people and in consequences of their actions, was the most divisive person in American history: oh yes, that would be Abraham Lincoln. And if there is any one secular saint in American history, it is either he or George Washington (who was our military leader during that revolution).

We may not be smart enough to have our own column in The Washington Post, but then again, neither is Marc A. Thiessen.

Our Latest ‘Curb’ Moment

Worked a long-ass day at the cookoutateria on the 4th of July. So we decide to treat ourselves to a post-work beer and walk into an air-conditioned, sparsely populated bar on Amsterdam Ave. There are only two other people besides the bartender in the whole place, a pair of women, and now they’re seated catty-corner to me at the bar.

I’m nursing my Narragansett, conjuring a delicious tweet, no doubt, when I hear the unmistakeable sound of glass hitting wood. Before I can look up a flume of rose wine is spilling right over the bar and into my lap. I do not get upset. Really. I chuckle and ask if I’m wearing rose now as the woman profusely apologizes and says, “I’m not the one who spills; my friend here usually does.”

So throwing her friend under the bus for no reason. Now, many people who know me know that I’m infamous for spilling (my nickname is “Spilly” to many) so I have plenty of empathy for this woman. But here’s what happens next. The bartender, who has nothing to do since we’re his only three patrons, rushes over to REFILL HER GLASS. And though she apologized, she never offers to buy me the next round. Nor does he.

If Larry David ever reads this, he has my full permission to use this incident in his next season. And please tell me, am I crazy? Of course it was an accident, but I can’t imagine spilling a drink on someone and soiling their clothing (my cargo shorts are presently soaking in hot water) and not even offering to buy them a drink. Really?

Music 101

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now

How did we never see The Skeleton Twins? How did we not know about this scene until two days ago? Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig hamming up a classically cheesy Starship song from 1987. This song hit No. 1 on the charts.

Remote Patrol

The Movies

Sunday

9 p.m. CNN

We’re hyped up about this six-episode doc on CNN, produced by Tom Hanks’ group, that will tell the behind-the-scenes stories of many of the greatest films ever made. Tonight’s episode is two hours. If you’ve seen Hanks’ Playtone gang do their due diligence on the docs about American decades of recent past, you know that it’s not Ken Burns’ level depth but that it still is a satisfying meal. This should be great.

World Cup Final

USA vs. Netherlands

Sunday 11 a.m. Fox

by John Walters

“America”

My country, ’tis of thee,

Sweet land of liberty,

Of thee I sing;

Land where my fathers died,

Land of the pilgrims’ pride,

From ev’ry mountainside,

Let freedom ring!

Written in 1831 by 23 year-old Samuel Francis Smith in Andover, Mass. It borrows from England’s “God Save The Queen” by employing the same melody and only the lyrics are new, which is sort of apt for an American anthem, no?

The house Smith, already a Harvard alum at the time, is now a dormitory at the famed Phillips Academy. The tune was first performed in public at a children’s July 4th celebration in 1831.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Good Morgan, America!*

*The judges will also accept “Piersless Morgan.” The judges are in quite the accepting mood.

After scoring, on her 30th birthday, what would be the game-winning goal against jolly ol’ England in the World Cup semi, Alex Morgan celebrated by sipping tea.

Jolly.

Good.

Show.

Talk. Your. Shit. Girl. I love this chirp. pic.twitter.com/Unhi8MslJj

— Eddie Radosevich (@Eddie_Rado) July 2, 2019

Morgan wears No. 13, by the way. As in 13 colonies. And she just threw the most provocative tea party aimed at dissing the Brits since the one in Boston.

Megan Rapinoe was absent: bad hammy or tactical decision, we’re not sure, or maybe her girlfriend’s column in The Players Tribune. She should be fine for Sunday’s final, which takes place two days after her 34th birthday.

Also, Christen Press scored the first goal for the U.S. and if there is a player on this team who is potential Madison Avenue gold, even more so than Morgan or Rapinoe, we’d go with Press. She’s gorgeous and fresh-faced and she has that perfect post-20th century multi-ethnic face. She’s like a Disney cartoon heroine come to life. She’s also pretty good at the soccer.

By the way, how good are USWNT players at striking iconic and lasting poses? Brandi Chastain, Rapinoe and now, Morgan.W

Red, White and Boo

What’s wrong with these pictures?

Wanted to wish you a happy birthday, America, but also wondering if you’ve lost your way some. This essay by Thomas Friedman has plenty of salient points. In lieu of a birthday card, please read it.

Yankees Sign ‘The Martian’

In the midst of their most woeful month of the season—they’re 0-1 thus far in July—the New York Yankees gave their long-suffering fans a glimmer of hope yesterday. The Yanks signed, using for them a record $5.1 million bonus, 16 year-old centerfielder Jasson Dominguez of the Dominican Republic.

Known as “El Marciano,”or The Martian, Dominguez is a five-tool player who was achieving legendary status and puberty at around the same time. The Yankees will be able to plug him into that gaping hole in their roster, one hopes, by 2021.

Hey, Mom!*

We just saw this ad for the first time yesterday and it’s brilliant. The best ideas are usually the most simple and universal ones. Good job, Google, and whatever ad folks conjured it. The only thing that might’ve made it more realistic is if in half the scenes we saw mom sneaking a sip of chardonnay out of a sippy cup as her kid called out to her.

ESPNBA

NBA commissioner Adam Silver is a very smart man. And he understands that in Disney his league is partnered with America’s most valuable entertainment brand. Not only does Disney own ESPN, but they also own all the Marvel characters you see on the big screens all year (the two top-grossing films of 2019 thus far are Captain Marvel and Endgame).

The suits on Park Avenue (NBA HQ) and in Bristol surely have taken note of how popular those films are, and with whom they are popular, and what sport that demo clearly favors. Why? Because whenever our workplace TVs are tuned to ESPN (which we have on in the background at work any and all times between 10:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.), the talking heads are talking about one sport nearly exclusively the entire time: The NBA.

During the season peeps like Screamin’ A., Max, etc. were discussing the playoffs and how everything was affecting the Lakers, then came the post-Finals when they were discussing the draft (and how it all affected the Lakers), which led to free agency open season (and how every move affected the Lakers), then will come the summer league (should the Lakers offer Jimmer?).

Then there may be a few days in late July when they’ll chat up the NFL or college football or perhaps, but don’t hold your breath, the MLB, but then it’ll be back to all-NBA almost-all-the time. You cannot buy this type of free advertising (unless you’re Coors Light, whose can adorns the front cover of the latest Rolling Stone issue).

It’s July 3rd and what’s the featured story on ESPN.com? The swift collapse of the Golden State Warrior dynasty followed, directly beneath it, by the latest trying-to-make-a-name-for-himself guy at ESPN, Bobby Marks, asserting that the Dubs will not make the playoffs in 2020 (with a healthy Steph and Draymond and a newly acquired DeAngelo? I’ll take that bet, Bobby).

This is great for the NBA. It’s bad for sports in general. It’s the classic middle management thinking of Hey, this is working. Let’s do more of it because that way my job is safe.

We love the NBA. But we love sports in general. ESPN, but not Scott Van Pelt, thankfully, is becoming little more than the NBA’s siren and PR firm. And by the way, whatever they’re paying Woj, they should double it. He’s become that valuable to them.

Music 101

Marching On

Sound The Alarm! The year was 1983 and this Welsh band were running neck and neck with Big Country and Irish upstarts U2 at the front of the pack of crusading, anthemic New Wave artists. Honestly, at this time, no one knew which one of these bands would break through and separate themselves. We have our answer now, but these guys still made you wanna turn it up on the drive home from high school.

Remote Patrol

World Cup Semi: Netherlands vs. Sweden

3 p.m. Fox

Why does it feel as if Sweden’s Sofia Jakobsson is looming in the background just waiting to spoil the USWNT’s summer in France?

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Ivanka at G20 feels reminiscent of me in middle school. https://t.co/1Gigq4vf4X

— Ashley Parker (@AshleyRParker) July 2, 2019

Starting Five

Bunker Mentality*

*The judges will also accept “Armageddon Out Of Here”

Sobering news: If you Google “New Zealand Doomsday Bunkers,” well, you actually find plenty of stories. Now I don’t want to alarm you, but what with the globe warming up (have you seen the record temps in Europe this week and artificial intelligence wiping out many human-performed jobs in the next few decades, more than a few super-smart and super-wealthy Silicon Valley have gamed this whole civilization experiment out.

And you see, here’s the rub. All eight countries that possess nuclear weapons are located in the northern hemisphere. And so when the apocalypse hits, be it due to massive unemployment and the small “d” depression that leads to, and the collateral damage from that, or from leaders attempting to distract their citizens from such disaffection by banging the drums of war (How are those tanks looking for your Fourth of July celebration, Donny?), or from the manifold deleterious effects on the planet and crops, etc., caused by the climate change, well, those who can afford to do so are hightailing it out of here for the Utopia of Dystopia: New Zealand (they only have Peter Jackson to blame).

Read this story. I’ll see you in Christchurch (“John?” “Present.” “Good band meeting.”). Or Auckland.

Koo Koo For Coco Gauff*

*The judges wonder how many of you saw that headline coming a mile away

The tennis gods had mischief in mind when at Wimbledon the opening day featured a match pitting the oldest player in the women’s draw, Venus Williams, 39, against the youngest, Cori “Coco” Gauff, 15. That both women were African-American heightened the drama, as Williams and her younger sister, Serena, have combined for 30 Grand Slam titles. Obviously their photos adorned Gauff’s bedroom walls as she grew up in Atlanta and Florida (like the Williams sisters, she is coached by her dad, a former Georgia State football player).

Bring on the “torch passed” allusions, as Gauff took down Venus in straight sets, 6-4, 6-4, on sacred tennis ground. In the first Grand Slam match of her career, Gauff defeated a five-time Wimbledon champ. At Wimbledon.

Gauff, who is home-schooled by her mother, a former Florida State track athlete, won three qualifying matches beforehand to gain entry as the youngest female qualifier for Wimbledon at the Open era. She’s going to be at this party for awhile. And you wonder if she’d ever have picked up a racket had it not been for the sisters.

There’s New Business Like Shoe Business

Klay Thompson is celebrating his new @Warriors Max deal with a special edition sneaker drop this weekend, highlighting his pre-game locker ritual of reading the newspaper.

The @EastBayTimes x Anta KT4s will drop at @Oaklandish’s downtown Oakland store this Sunday, July 7th. pic.twitter.com/qkCpFwcBr2

— Nick DePaula (@NickDePaula) July 2, 2019

Non-troversial sneaker news: Klay Thompson’s sneaker company, Anta (me neither), is celebrating his new max contract with the Dubs by releasing this limited edition KT4, which is a nod to the fact that Klay relaxes before games by reading an old-timey mode of content distribution, a newspaper (ask your curmudgeonly uncle).

Meanwhile, Nike is recalling and also canceling a shoe called the Air Max 1 Quick Strike Fourth of July, which featured a replica of the Betsy Ross flag on its back. Not sure why Nike thought it needed to produce a colonial era-themed shoe or worse, why it felt compelled to cancel them (reports are that Colin Kaepernick was not pleased which, if true, WoW).

It’s hardly the worst idea to produce a shoe that might appeal to your patriotic demographic, or even your MAGA demographic. What is a terrible idea is producing it and then backing down on the effort due to one man’s finding it offensive. Bad optics for Nike, bad optics for Kaep. Freedom of speech gotta be a two-lane highway. Besides, Nike could’ve produced them, quietly not manufactured any more, and who would’ve noticed? Instead, they’ve created the worst needless Clay Travis bully pulpit moment since ESPN pulled Robert Lee from the Virginia game two years ago.

Now these shoes are collectors’ items, not to mention fodder for every Fox News blowhard for the next 24-hour cycle.

Also, can we get beyond the irony that these Air MAGAs were probably made in China or Vietnam?

Carry On Our Wayward Son

This is just the kind of story that keeps Dick Wolf awake at night wondering if he needs to reboot the Law & Order franchise: rakishly handsome former Princeton football player, now an early thirties surf bum living on a weekly allowance from his hedge-fund manager dad, threatens to kill said parent if his subsidy is discontinued. Dad decides he needs to teach son lesson about maturity and responsibility. Son responds by murdering father.

Bluff called. And re-raised.

This all happened four years ago when Thomas Gilbert, Jr., shot his father, then 70, in the head, in the family home after knocking on the front door and telling his mom he needed to speak to dad in private. But Gilbert, Jr., was only convicted yesterday and is now staring down a 25 years-to-life sentence.

And sure, the elder Gilbert could more than afford the $1,000 a week dole his son was living on as he surfed all over the world and hung out at bougie Hamptons/Montauk spots. But that’s hardly the point, now is it?

There was a time in America, arguably a better time, when this would’ve been turned into a TV movie starring Lance Kerwin. Instead we’re going to get a Netflix documentary is my guess, or a Hulu film starring an Aussie or Brit. You’ll see.

That Whole Immigrant Thing

Can we tackle the entire southern border/illegal immigration/concentration camp kerfuffle in one item? No (or as they say in Spanish, “No”), but here’s a thought or two. So on June 28 New York Times columnist Bret Stephens, reacting we’d say off Beto O’Rourke’s going directly to Spanish on Night 1 of the Dem-olition Derby, penned a column about how the Dems were intent on appealing to everyone BUT the Americans they need to be courting.

Here’s the excerpt that went viral:

They speak Spanish. We don’t. They are not U.S. citizens or legal residents. We are. They broke the rules to get into this country. We didn’t. They pay few or no taxes. We already pay most of those taxes. They willingly got themselves into debt. We’re asked to write it off. They don’t pay the premiums for private health insurance. We’re supposed to give up ours in exchange for some V.A.-type nightmare. They didn’t start enterprises that create employment and drive innovation. We’re expected to join the candidates in demonizing the job-creators, breaking up their businesses and taxing them to the hilt.

Now, not everyone in Brooklyn who owns a laptop or who has ever lived in Brooklyn and owns a laptop immediately sat down and pecked out a vitriolic essay to denounce Stephens’ piece, but many did. Drew Magary, who does a ton of stuff we like, went into flaming ranty-rant-all-the-F-bombs-I-can-fire mode at Stephens. When the actual title of your piece is “God Man, (Bleep) You Bret Stephens,” I think we can safely assume that an ad hominem attack is coming. And it was.

If you want to get past the animus that is created when children are separated from their parents and held in filthy camps, where more than 2 dozen people have died strictly from the conditions, if you want to get past the inhumanity of a government actually condoning what many of us would consider gross human-rights violations (and it’s explicitly being done as a tactic), we can. If you don’t, then don’t read on.

But here’s the thing, right or wrong. Much of what Stephens wrote is factually accurate. And as someone who works two restaurant gigs in New York City, I’m 100% certain that I’m far closer to the front lines of this issue than either Stephens or Magary ever has been or ever will be. So here’s some straight dope from a person who is not here to vilify or exonerate anyone. This is just my experience.

When I began working in the restaurant biz in NYC in 2009, Spanish was the lingua franca for back-of-the-house employees. Now it is the most common language, at least at my two restaurants, for front-of-the-house staff as well. At one restaurant I’m the only full-time, non-manager who does not speak Spanish, so that any casual conversation among co-workers is en espanol. Which isolates me, albeit unintentionally (most of the time), and to be honest, is a lonely feeling.

At the other restaurant, which has about five times as many employees, there are more full-time English speakers, but still the majority of the conversation between staffers is in Spanish. Two of our three managers speak Spanish (neither restaurant is a Mexican restaurant, by the way).

The tony Upper East Side parents will brag all summer in East Hampton about how their 3rd grader is learning Mandarin in school, but the far more pragmatic language to learn is Spanish. It is the working class language of the 21st century.

There’s a reason for this. Hispanics, in my experience, are excellent employees. Outstanding. As a man roughly my age who works at both restaurants with me and is from Mexico said to me yesterday, “I don’t complain.” It’s as simple as that. He also works at a third restaurant, by the way.

The Ainsley Earnharts of the world (the Fox & Friends anchor who fretted yesterday that too many brown-skinned arrivals could fundamentally change the composition of this country…damn right) want to fret about Mexicans and others pouring over our border, but here’s what they never want to discuss: after they arrive here, these people W-O-R-K. And one reason they work is because white people hire them. Because they show up on time, they never complain, and at least in blue-collar jobs (among immigrants and most of their first-generation progeny) they work their asses off. I’m proud, honestly, that they accept me and have befriended me in this trade.

Oh, by the way, one of our Mexican female bussers at one restaurant just left last week because she is starting in the nursing program at Bellevue Hospital.

They DO speak Spanish. And some of them are not here legally. And some of their employers pay them off the books because both sides are washing each other’s backs on that one. Bret Stephens is not wrong here. But there’s also no reason to depict them as a virus or worse. As I’ve written here before, I’ve been in neighborhoods where white people put up “Trump/Pence” or “Make America Great Again” signs on their front lawns as undocumented Mexican workers do yard work around them (As a God-fearing Christian I hate adultery, but man the sex is so good). The hypocrisy is gob-smacking.

Drew Magary can attack Bret Stephens all he wants, and the fan boys will love him for it, but Magary can’t attack the facts. Because they’re on Stephens’ side. On the other hand, there’s obviously no reason to be a racist asshole. Latin-speaking people are taking over the working-class jobs in this country because they are great workers. Much like my Italian or your Irish ancestors once did. The difference is that while they are bilingual, they’re not abandoning their Spanish-speaking ways. And if you want to exist or thrive in that world, you better adapt.

Reserves

Hey, what if The Apprentice were not a TV show but rather a template for how to run the most powerful nation on Earth?

Remote Patrol

World Cup Semi: USA vs. England

3 p.m. Fox

Brexit or no?