IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Harvey SeaWall Banger*

*The judges will also accept “Path Of Totality, Hurricane Edition”

Begin the week with a total solar eclipse and end it with Hurricane Harvey and its 110 mph winds, which is basically a Category 3 hurricane. We’re looking at 20-plus inches to three feet of rain in the Houston area. And that means plenty of floating copperheads in the water, among other problems.

This should be the worst hurricane to make landfall in the continental U.S. since Katrina in 2005.

2. The Old Brawl Game

An otherwise innocent Thursday afternoon getaway game between the Yankees and Tigers morphed into an ejection fest, as eight dudes in uniforms, two of them managers, were given the hook.

The Tigers plunked Jacoby Ellsbury, then the Yanks threw behind Miguel Caruso Cabrera (CNBC fans, that’s for you) and had their pitcher ejected, and then it was on like Donkey Kong between Cabrera and Yankee catcher Austin Romine, whose brother Andrew plays for Detroit (awkwaarrrrd).

“Are you talking to me? Because I wasn’t talking to you. Are your talking to me?”

Tigers won, 10-6. Gary Sanchez hit his 27th home run, or his 22nd in less than two full Augusts (10 last August, 12 this month) in the big leagues.

3. Mavis!

The Powerball winner, Mavis Wanczyk of Chicopee, Mass., did not even wait a full day to step forward and claim her prize ($336 million after taxes and having taken the lump sum). She’s 53 and the mother of two and guess what? She’s not returning to her job at a local hospital. Mavis, as anyone who bought a single ticket, had a one-in-292 million chance of winning the lottery.

4. RIP, Jay Thomas

Most of us first met good-natured comic Jay Thomas, who died yesterday at the age of 69, as a recurring character on Cheers! who played Carla’s husband. He would later win two Emmys for his work on Murphy Brown. What endeared him to many more (and endeared Dave Letterman even more to the MH staff, if that is even possible), is that in his later years Thomas would make an annual appearance on Late Show to retell the same story about the Lone Ranger that had obviously beguiled the show’s host, who called it “the greatest talk show story of all time.”

He also, during those appearances (24 of them) would throw a football and knock the meatball off the top of the Late Show Christmas tree.

Thomas really was, for a B-list celeb, one of the most entertaining guests ever to appear on Letterman.

Above, his final appearance on Letterman….

5. Trump Returns!

This was Alec Baldwin lampooning Donald Trump yesterday….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioB2Vs_G45U

And this was Donald Trump lampooning himself…

He RT’ed this meme yesterday. It’s a good joke, but you’d think the dude who has failed to have any of his major proposals passed in Congress would not have time for this.

He also misspelled “there” on a tweet and then deleted it (hardly the first time).

Reserves

Down For The Count Floyd

We haven’t written much (correction: anything) about tomorrow night’s Floyd Mayweather-Conor McGregor bout in Las Vegas. For good reason. It’s nothing more than a money grab. Mayweather is 40. McGregor is an MMA hype monkey who won’t be allowed to take full advantage of his pugilistic skills. This is like watching Bob Hayes race a thoroughbred more than it is a PPV-worthy bout.

People will pay and watch out of curiosity, of course, and bully for the promoters. The only way Mayweather loses is if he actually wants a return pay day out of this. But my guess is that his ego is far too large to allow that to happen. As for McGregor, he’ll be seriously outclassed here.

Music 101

Blinded By The Light

Madmen, drummers, bummers, Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat…

Bruce Springsteen wrote the original Dylanesque lyrics (the song appeared on his 1973 debut album, Greetings From Asbury Park) but even this Bruceophile admits that Manfred Mann and his Earth Band improved upon it. The public agreed, as this tune shot to No. 1 on the Billboard chart (Bruce has never recorded a No. 1 hit…Dancing in the Dark peaked at No. 2) in 1977. This song depicting life on the Asbury Park boardwalk should’ve been Bruce’s anthem; Mann instead made it his. s

A Word, Please

taciturn (adj)

reserved or uncommunicative in speech; saying little

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Downtown Chicopee. Someone’s buying Patriots season tickets soon

Mass. Money!

Someone bought a single ticket for Powerball ($2) at a convenience store in Watertown, Mass. Chicopee, Mass., and will now pocket the entire $758.7 million jackpot. As investment returns go, that’s likely the best in history, as this will be the largest single jackpot ever paid out in North America.

The winning numbers: 6, 7, 16, 23, 26 and the Powerball was 4.

Deets: The winner(s) only gets that $758.7 million sum if he/she/they take it in 30 annual payments. If they choose the lump sum, it’s about $480 million. That’s before taxes, which are more than 39%. So assuming lump sum plus taxes, he/she/they would walk with about $290 million.

2. The Hill Just Happened?

It should have been enough. Pitching for the best team in baseball, a club vying to achieve the best regular-season record ever, Los Angeles Dodger hurler Rich Hill yielded no hits through nine innings. The problem was that on this night in Pittsburgh, his teammates were unable to score a single run through 10 frames.

Hill took the mound in the bottom of the 10th and on his 99th pitch  allowed a walk-off home run to the Pirates’ Josh Harrison on his 99th pitch. Pittsburgh wins 1-0 and baseball’s winningest team loses in the unlikeliest of ways. The announced crowd at PNC Park was fewer than 20,000.

3. They’re Dropping Like (How Do You Say “Flies” In Russian?)

This was Mirgayas Shirinsky, who was found floating face down in a swimming pool in Sudan. Shirinsky becomes the sixth Russian senior diplomat to die overseas since November (now what event happened last November, you wonder?). Perhaps it’s simply a coincidence, like a dude named Robert Lee being named to broadcast a football game in Charlottesville.

For a full list of dead Russian diplomats, beginning with one in New York City on the very day of the U.S. presidential election (head wound; quite common), go here. 

4. The Trump Stump Speech

Did you hear/see it on Monday, or did the eclipse eclipse it? We didn’t watch, but we’re reading the transcript now. If you have yet to, here it is in full, all 77 minutes. Trump spent much of the first 10 minutes mansplaining his two (three?) reactions to Charlottesville, calling the media “dishonest” multiple times, referring to George Stephanopoulos as “little,” etc., but never once mentioning his very revealing “many sides” comment.

 

Don Lemon of CNN referred to the speech as “A total eclipse of the facts.”

 

5. We’re Still Not Over The Rainbow

Randy Rainbow‘s latest Broadway musical take on The Worst Wing…

Reserves

General Lee Speaking

The world does not need another think piece on the Robert Lee/Robert E. Lee kerfuffle, and I think Kyle Koster over at The Big Lead covered the subject sufficiently yesterday.  Do know, though, that a friend of the blog used to live in Albany, knows Lee, and says that his nickname among colleagues is “The General.”

The question is, What did ESPN do that was so wrong? In my opinion, their sin was to overreact to a harmless situation, thereby creating a kerfuffle that never needed to exist. It doesn’t matter that ESPN’s intention was to avoid an awkward moment; by manipulating an innocent coincidence they come across as demonstrating little regard for the maturity of their audience (granted, that may be accurate, but it’s a cynical standard by which to make decisions).

You wonder if anyone at this little confab spoke up and asked, “And what happens if word gets out that we switched Robert Lee off this game?” Meanwhile, it’s just a good thing Rece Davis’ parents did not name him Jefferson or that Keith Jackson’s nickname was not Stonewall (or that he’s retired).

Meanwhile, why does Clay Travis feel the urge to keep reminding people that Robert Lee is Asian? I mean, Robert E. Lee has been dead for 147 years. Was anyone about to confuse the two if we learned that Robert Lee was white?

Music 101

Smokestack Lightning

Blues your morning up with the genius of Howling Wolf. Originally recorded in Chicago in 1956.

A Word, Please

nebulous (adj)

unclear, vague, or ill-defined (“The president’s health-care/foreign-policy/how-to-beat-ISIS/infrastructure plans are nebulous”)

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Linton: “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve obscene”

1. Let Them Eat Sheet Cake

Above, that’s Louise Linton, 36, wife of Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, 54 (if you don’t have the looks, boys, then for god’s sake you better be filthy rich). Yesterday the stay-at-home actress got into an Instagram battle with a peasant from Oregon, calling her “adorably out of touch.” This from a woman who hashtags #HermesScarf #TomFord and #Valentinorockstudheels (three of the four words were high school nicknames for your author).

The genesis of the kerfuffle: Linton posts on Instagram yesterday

Anyway, it was yesterday’s Kerfuffle of the Day and the jump from Linton to Marie Antoinette is pretty easy to make. In fact, the commoner from Oregon, one Jenni Miller, a 45 year-old mother of three, dared to make it. A reminder that Ms. Antoinette, a true historical figure who infamously said, “Let them eat cake” as to the plight of starving peasants, lost her head.

 

Here’s the deets on yesterday’s social media fracas.

2. Be Leave Land

In short (no offense, Isaiah), the two best teams in the Eastern Conference traded All-Star guards last night. The Cavs sent 6’3″ Kyrie Irving (25.2 ppg last season) to the Boston Celtics in exchange for NBA leading scorer Isaiah Thomas, who is listed at 5’9″ (28.9) but may be shorter.

Irving is 25 and has three years left on his deal. Thomas is 28 and can walk after this season with LeBron James, who will probably do the same. It’s Last Hurrah time in Cleveland, and it’ll be interesting to see how The King responds to a new teammate who is even more of a chucker than Irving was. The thing is, though, no one not in a Warriors uniform is a better clutch shooter than Thomas is. The heat is off LeBron in that regard.

If you’re a Celtics fan, you have to like the young nucleus of Irving, Gordon Hayward and now Markelle Fultz Jayson Tatum, all of whom will be joining the Celtics anew for their October 17 season debut against…the Cleveland Cavaliers.

3. Fight of the Phoenix

President Donald Trump made his eighth campaign stop since BECOMING president in Phoenix, Arizona last night. He harangued the media (calling us “very dishonest”; remember, Rule No. 1 of Trump is to believe the opposite of everything he says; Rule No. 2 is that whenever he slanders anyone, he’s calling them exactly what he himself is) and threatened to shut down the federal government  (or hold his breath) if the border wall is not funded and then implied that he might pardon Sheriff Joe Arpaio by asking, “Was Sheriff Joe convicted for doing his job?” He then said, “I think Sheriff Joe will be just fine,” intimating that he will pardon him, but on a day when the news can be buried more easily.

Then there was mayhem in the streets, which is hard to find in August in the Valley of the Sun, when anyone with any sense is inside with the AC blasting or at a pool party.

 

4. All They Do Is Win, Win, Win

Wildling or the NL’s leading hitter with a .336 average? Perhaps Justin Turner is both.

While the ESPN (and other outlets, both TV and online) salivate about the prospects of NBA trades in August, the Los Angeles Dodgers trudge forward toward what may be the best regular-season record in baseball history. If only they were a big-market franchise or had some sort of history….

Anyway, the blue bloods won again last night in Pittsburgh to push their record to 89-35 (.718) and they’re now 54-10 since D-Day. The winningest regular-season baseball team was the 1954 Cleveland Indians, who went 111-43 in the 154-game season for a .721 win percentage. The Tribe, alas, were swept in the World Series by the New York Giants, 4-0 (Willie Mays’ absurd catch versus Vic Wertz is your freeze-frame moment).

Say Hey

The best record for a 162-game season belongs to the 2001 Seattle Mariners, who finished 116-46 (.716) and lost in the ALCS to the New York Yankees (who lost in the World Series to the D-Backs).

The point is, for the second time in two years a California-based team is threatening to post the best regular-season record in its major sport’s history, but notice the difference in hype between the 2015-16 Golden State Warriors’ run to 73-9 and the Dodgers’ journey toward 117-45, which would break the Indians’ record.

L.A. needs to go 28-10 the rest of the way to break the mark.

Curiosity: L.A.’s top two hitters by batting average, 3B Justin Turner and SS Corey Seager, have yet to hit a triple this season (as has MLB’s leading home run hitter, Giancarlo Stanton of the Miami Marlins)

5. Daily Harrumph: Lee Genes

An ESPN overreaction by any other name….

Take a breather, editors of The Onion. The real world has you covered this morning. Yes, ESPN actually pulled announcer Robert Lee (left) off a Virginia broadcast because of the weird “coincidence” that he shares a name, if not a genetic pool, with former Confederate commander Robert E. Lee.

And what about this Bob Ley? Will he, too, face ramifications?

You see what happened was, ESPN’s Archduke of BLM, Rob King, decreed (as Kings often do) that Lee switch broadcasts out of the William & Mary-UVA game  to avoid an awkward moment. Then someone at the WWL snitched to Outclick The Coverage founder and chief ESPN gadfly Clay Travis, who probably at first thought he was being punched (this was too good to be true), then checked facts and broke the story. What a disaster.

The WWL, like the White House, has leakers.

Reserves

CFB Predictions To Clip And Save

Here’s the AP Top 25

Here’s the Coaches Poll  Top 25

Here’s The Big Lead Top 25

Here’s SI’s bowl and national champion predictions.

We’ll post ours later this week, we mean, now that everyone else has and our preseason pick of Wyoming at No. 1 would’ve looked a tad, well, risky.

Music 101

Hush

That’s Ritchie Blackmore (guitar legend) of the band Deep Purple giving Hugh Hefner a guitar lesson during a short-lived late-night show called Playboy After Dark (and you wondered where the Pac-12 got that title). This tune, a cover of a song that peaked at No. 45 a year earlier in 1967 that was written by Joe South and recorded by Billy Joe Royal, was a No. 4 hit for the band in 1968.

This is a certified vintage MH clip. P.S. I have those pants.

A Word, Please

insouciant (adj.)

showing a casual lack of concern; indifference

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

 

Starting Five

Black Hole Sun

Within the PATH OF TOTALITY,  the spectacle of the total eclipse was probably awe-inspiring. And for those who looked skyward without the correct vision aids, Cat Stevens‘ tune about lunar shade may have been prescient:

And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, Oh if I won’t have to cry no more.

—“Moonshadow”

For the rest of us, as one person near me in New York proclaimed yesterday, “Fake News.” Oh, sure, things got slightly hazy, but there was no hour or so of darkness. Anyway, it was a happening, and it will certainly last longer than Mayweather-McGregor this weekend, no?

This is what it’s going to look like moments before the North Korean nuke hits….

Afghanistandards

In simple terms that Afghanis (who listen to classic rock) might understand, “Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss.” The most shocking aspect of President Trump’s announcement last night was the admission that—get ready for this—he’s not always right.

Trump: “My original instinct was to pull out, and historically I like following my instincts. But all my life, I’ve heard that decisions are much different when you sit behind the desk in the Oval Office.”

Translated: Much of what I said on the campaign trail regarding foreign policy was complete and utter bullshit, and today is my day of reckoning.

In retrospect, we all should have listened to Gust Avrakatos, the son of a soda pop maker from Aliquippa, Pa., who advised in the late eighties after the USA helped the mujahideen repel a foreign invader that we should fill the void with education and aid.

Get! Out!

Instead, the Taliban filled that void and now—guess what—the USA is seen by much of the Afghan population as the foreign invader (you sort of get that rep when you land in a country in 2001 and never leave). Anyway, no easy answers here, but I’m reminded of a conversation between Cersei and Tyrion Lannister back when they were still on speaking terms and shortly after the Red Wedding. I’ll paraphrase:

Cersei: “We have to kill all of our enemies before this war is over.”

Tyrion: “Fine, but it feels as if for every enemy we kill, we create two new ones.”

Cersei: “Then it’s going to be a very long war.”

The key elements of Trump’s strategy: Possibly 50% more troops (from 8,400 to 12,400); more autonomy for the military; you better behave, Pakistan; and NO nation-building (even though it sounds as if a lot of what we’ll be doing is exactly that).

3. Bending The Knee

Great job, NFL owners. You’ve turned Colin Kaepernick into a martyr. A dozen Cleveland Browns kneeled for the anthem during a preseason game last night (or was this a special kickoff receiving drill?).

It was only a matter of time before this scene took place and expect to see more like it. There’s punter Britton Colquitt walking the highwire between supporting his teammates and honoring the flag. That’s the white man’s version of a peaceful NFL protest?

4. The AP Top 25

Leading Butkus Award candidate Cameron Smith should take the Trojans to their first College Football Playoff

The only August 21 event as hyped as the total eclipse was the release of the AP preseason Top 25 (you promoted it well, Ralph Russo), so we’ll do our friend a solid and discuss it here. First, the link. 

The Top 10: Alabama, Ohio State, Florida State, USC, Clemson, Penn State, Oklahoma, Washington, Wisconsin, Oklahoma State.

That’s right: Just one SEC school in the Top 10 (while three B1G schools are in and two apiece from the ACC, Big 12 and Pac-12.

Alabama opens with Florida State.

Oklahoma visits Ohio State on September 9.

Clemson hosts Florida State on November 11.

Penn State visits Ohio State on October 28.

Nick Bosa is shaping up to be just as good, if not better, than his big brother, Joey. Don’t sleep on THE Ohio State University.

Bedlam has been moved up to Nov. 4 (smart move, Big 12).

USC and U-Dub would not meet until the Pac-12 Championship Game.

Wisconsin avoids both Ohio State AND Penn State.

Big names NOT in the Top 25: Boise State, Oregon, Florida, Notre Dame, Nebraska, Texas A&M.

Good news, Notre Dame fans: Irish are not in the Top 25 but do play four Top 25 schools (no, we’re not being facetious; that IS good news).

Easiest route to playoff: We’d say Wisconsin, but USC has so much more talent that we’ll go with the Trojans. The bet here is they’ll be ranked at worst 2nd when they visit South Bend in mid-October.

5. Real Genius

Comedian. Actor/Leading Man. Pariah. Crusader. Fundraiser. Jerry Lewis, who died over the weekend at age 91, was all of these things. Growing up in the 1970s, an era before cable and streaming and the inter web, when TV networks would SIGN OFF at 2 a.m. or so and the set would just snow white noise until 6 a.m., the annual Jerry Lewis Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Telethon was a MONSTER EVENT. Not only would Lewis be on air for more than 24 hours straight (it was always fun to see if the tuxedo would look more worn by the show’s end than Lewis himself), but just knowing you could wake up at 4 a.m., turn on the TV and see LIVE programming, much less any programming, that was paradigm-shifting.

Anyway, read more about the strange and wonderful life of one of the 20th century’s more mercurial talents here: the easiest way to describe Jerry Lewis to millennials? He was Jim Carrey before Jim Carrey existed.

Music 101

Thunderstruck

It’s rare that a band that’s a decade past its prime releases a song that is as close to a signature song (or a monster hit) as the group has ever released (think of Cheap Trick and “The Flame” as well). But that’s what this 1990 gem did for AC/DC. This audible adrenaline shot was not only a big hit for the Aussies (Top 5 both in the USA and Down Under), but it’s on every sports arena’s playlist.

Thanks to AIR for the suggestion.

Remote Patrol

The Founder

Netflix

If you’ve yet to see the 2016 film about the rise of Ray Kroc and the Golden Arches, it’s worth a look-see. Sure, Michael Keaton is always fantastic, but Nick Offerman in a serious role as Dick McDonald, the real genius behind the birth of America’s most influential franchise, is outstanding. John Carroll Lynch is his typically wonderful self as Dick’s brother, Mac, and you still don’t know him by name but you’ll recognize the face.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Catch Me If You Can

Playing in the Junior League World Series, Jack Regenye of Pennsylvania robs a batter from Chinese Taipei of a home run. Or did he. The umps originally ruled the batter out, then safe, then out again. I don’t know the rules on this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6Nzftl1cA4

Meanwhile in Chicago, one of the big leaguers, Kevin Pillar of the Blue Jays, made a decent catch at Wrigley Field.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeSKU3XMOZY

2. Monday, Moonday*

Objects in diagram may be farther apart from one another than they appear

*The judges apologize to both the Mamas and the Papas

This is a total ellipse: …

For a total eclipse, the sun being completely blocked out by the moon (SPF what????), look up this afternoon. Especially if you are in the “Path of Totality.”

3. How To Chain Your Dragon

He breathes ice, no? Gonna be one heck of a battle, and I hope Pat Benatar revives her song for this.

We’re down to a two-on-one fire-breathing monster scenario after the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Also, welcome back, Uncle Benjen. Farewell, Uncle Benjen. Alan Sepinwall’s review is here.

4. Not So Bright, Breitbart*

*This is Fake News. Wonder if Steve Bannon’s old pal/former boss will mention it

Breitbart News celebrated the return of its former top guy, Steve Bannon, by publishing a story about migrants being smuggled into nations via jet ski. Only problem is that the photo above is of German footballer Lukas Podolski. Oops. They’ve since apologized.

5. Outnumbered (Not The Fox News show)*

 

*The judges will also accept “Boston Uncommon”

As heavily as Jon Snow and his band of merry White Walker hunters were outnumbered in the midst of that frozen lake on Sunday, that’s how much the Boston-area Nazis—my apologies, “free speech advocates”—were outnumbered by counter-protesters on Sunday. Demonstrations are a lot like children’s toys: some assembly is required.

Music 101

Staring at the Sun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mo9xg-_sSw

Seemed appropriate today.

A Word, Please

elixir (noun)

a magical or medical potion