by John Walters

Starting Five

T. Boone Checks Out

Thomas Boones Pickens,, Jr., better known as T. Boone Pickens, dies at the age of 91. Pickens was the “Oracle of Oil,” a megabillionaire, who had attend ed Texas A&M on a hoops scholarship, gotten injured, lost the scholarship, and then transferred to Oklahoma A&M (State). He would become synonymous with college donors, as he was to the Cowboys what Phil Knight is to Oregon. The football stadium is named after him.

Just Iffy*

*The judges will also accept “Neigh It Ain’t So”

According to a report in The New York Times, 2018 Triple Crown winner Justify failed a drug test in April of that year, after winning the Santa Anita Derby, but nothing was ever done about it.

Oh, yes, a second drug test was taken for the banned substance scopolamine, and its results confirmed the first finding—three days after the Kentucky Derby. Then the California Horse Racing Board sat on its hands until August 23rd before finally deciding to simply dismiss the case.

So apparently horses can also get white male privilege, as long as they win the Triple Crown.

Smash Fest

With nearly three weeks remaining in the baseball season, Major League Baseball set a record for home runs hit in one season last night. In Baltimore Jonathan Villar hit a three-run homer off Caleb Ferguson of the Dodgers in the 7th inning, the 6,106th home run walloped in 2019.

The previous mark of 6,105 was set in 2017. Before that, the mark had been set in 2000. It’s funny that an Oriole smote that shot since Baltimore has allowed an MLB-record 280 home runs this season.

We don’t know if this is or will be a record, but there are currently 40 MLB players who have hit at least 30 home runs this season. By season’s end there may be as many as 50 who reach that standard. Here is a list of what the annual leaders hit.

Is Super Earth Inhabitable?

Scientists have concluded that K2-18b, by far the least sexiest name for a plant ever, may have water vapor and would be able to support human life (so there’s a chance we can destroy another celestial body. Yay!). The exoplanet, which is eight times the mass of Earth and a mere 110 light years from our planet (if you avoid rush-hour traffic), supposedly was observed to have the signature data for water, hydrogen and helium. Scientists also believe they observed a community theater troupe, but will need to do more testing.

Heeeeeeres’ Johnny!

Our comic fave John Mulaney is on the cover of October’s issue of Esquire, which his parents will find funny since they are both lawyers. Here’s the cover story.

We were all aboard the Mulaney Hype Train a full five years ago. We remember sitting with him in a coffee shop on a cold April day in Greenwich Village and assuring him that someday, yes, he would be a guest on “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.” He seemed doubtful, dubious at best. He’s obviously come a lot further. He’s a good and hyper-intelligent and super-funny dude, and he probably owes at least 101% of that to his parents .

by John Walters

Starting Five

John’s Boltin’

Did National Security Advisor John Bolton resign or was he fired? I guess it depends on whose word you take. Oh, wait, one of those guys is Donald Trump? Then I’ll take the other guy’s word.

Trump has now gone through more National Security Advisors than wives. That’s not a low bar.

— Ana Navarro-Cárdenas (@ananavarro) September 10, 2019

Word on the street is that President Trump is considering either Dr. Strangelove or General Irko from Planet of the Apes to fill the vacant position. Or Tucker Carlson. You never really know.

“He’s a great general. People are saying he’s the greatest general. Even if he is from another planet.”

Yelich, Youch!

Bad news out of Sud City, as Milwaukee Brewer super-duperstar Christian Yelich fractures his kneecap after fouling a pitch off it. He’s out for the remainder of the season and his chances for a repeat NL MVP trophy are now at risk. Yelich, 27, retires for 2019 with 44 home runs, 97 RBI and a .329 batting average.

Austin Power Outage?

LSU’s Coach Ed Orgeron, who may best be described as the unholy matrimony between Marvel Comics’ Thing and an alligator, alleges that there was no air-conditioning in the visitors’ locker room for the LSU-Texas game Saturday night. Also, that the bath towels were unscented and the body wash was actually also the conditioner (happens a lot at my gym, too, Coach O).

Coach O., speaking to reporters Monday, said that LSU had been tipped off about the lack of A/C (it was 95 degrees at kickoff) by the Longhorns’ previous opponent, Louisiana Tech. So LSU brought their own fans. But when Texas heard about that, it placed the fans in the upper deck of Darrell K Royal Stadium.

Sioux Falls Nearly Does

Here’s a scary term for you: Midnight Tornado (unless it’s the name of my newly formed thrash-metal band, which it is). Two tornados struck Sioux Falls, South Dakota, around midnight last night which made us think a few things: 1) Will we ever get to Sioux Falls, S.D., in our lifetime? 2) How come you never hear about tornados that strike after dark? Are they like Big Ten football games? 3) If it weren’t for social media, could a tornado strike Sioux Falls and level it without anyone outside Sioux Falls knowing about it? 4) Isn’t “Sioux” a cool word and how indebted are we to Native Americans for having cooler words than ours? (Apache and Seminole and Cherokee, all cool words).

Why Not Minot?

The play of last week in college football took place in Duluth, Minnesota, as Cory Carignan of Division II Minot State returned a kickoff 104 yards for a touchdown versus Minnesota-Duluth. Of course this only happened because Carignan, a freshman from Arvada, Calif., initially fumbled the kickoff.

The Beavers would lose, 52-7. This, then, was their only score in their season opener.

Music 101

Rain King

I will always, as the kids say, “stan” for August And Everything After, Counting Crows‘ heavily lauded and even more loudly despised debut album. In between all the Rolling Stone critics decrying the band ripping off Van Morrison and others (because they’re the first band to be derivative?) are some terrific songs. The problem, for me, was always that they released “Mr. Jones” as the first single when there are at least five tunes as good or better on the album: “Anna Begins,” “Round Here,” “Murder Of One,” “Sullivan Street” and our favorite, this one. It still comes on at our restaurant and every time I hear it, I still enjoy that mandolin-melting-into-guitar opening. And finish: “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah/I ammmmm the Rain King/Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.”

Remote Patrol

The Great Dictator

4 p.m. TCM

12 Angry Men

8 p.m. TCM

Two classics in one night, as Turner earns the “C” in its name. In the first, Charlie Chaplin, in his first true “talkie,” from 1940, as a Jewish barber who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to a certain ruthless anti-Semitic dictator based on someone you know. Remember, this was released in 1940 when the U.S.A. and Germany were still formally at peace.

Funny thing about Chaplin. He’s not known for it, because you only see him in costume/disguise, but he actually was quite handsome. He had leading man looks. See for yourself:

The latter film, from 1957, puts a dozen men in one room and somehow results in a compelling drama. It’s all about the power of persuasion and the hopeful belief that when faced with the truth, that men may be able to overcome their own deeply held beliefs/prejudices. Watch and observe the final holdouts and tell me if they don’t remind you of any present-day types.

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Who is this little guy?!

What a clever chap 😍 pic.twitter.com/cTDqv5duLx

— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) September 10, 2019

Starting Five

Elena!

The WNBA gets lost in the sports shuffle because, let’s face it, it has really never caught on as a pro league even though it’s been around nearly two dozen years. Women’s soccer captured the nation’s imagination greater back in June; women’s hoops only approaches that when Geno goes off on some poor (poorly coached) team.

Anyway, here’s Elena Delle Donne of the Washington Mystics, who this season became the first female (joining the likes of Steve Nash and Larry Bird) to compile a 40-50-90 season: 40% from beyond the arc, 50% from the field, 90% from the free throw line.

The 6’5″ forward, who turned 30 last week, shot 43% from beyond the arc, 51.5% from the field and a ridiculous 97.4% from the line. Because Delle Donne turned down UConn (at the very last minute) and chose to stay close to home and play at Delaware (she has one sibling and he she is special needs), Delle Donne entered the WNBA without the Taurasi-an fanfare to which she was somewhat entitled. But she’s beginning to make up for it. This is a truly remarkable achievement.

ComPatriots

They’re teammates now. Potential roomies. Tom Brady, Antonio Brown, Gisele Bundchen and whatever two random shorties happen to be occupying ABs bed. And you want to watch The Bachelorette? Or Edge NFL Matchup? Good grief.

Bill Belichick on the AB signing 🤐

(via @NBCSBoston)pic.twitter.com/HM8iNSfpzp

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) September 9, 2019

Incidentally, we LOVE this. It’s everything you’ve ever needed to describe Bill Belichick in 8 seconds or less.

36-1

We’ve been telling anyone who’ll listen—and no one will—that the Astros remain the best team in baseball, primarily because they still have Justin Verlander (and Gerrit Cole and Zack Greinke) and you don’t. In the last two games, versus the often hapless Seattle Mariners and the not-hapless Oakland A’s, the Astros have won 21-1 and 15-0, respectively. That’s a two-game, 48-hours, 36-1 explosion.

This on top of Verlander’s no-hitter the previous weekend.

The de facto World Series will most likely be played between the Yankees and Astro next month. The official World Series will be an after-dinner decaf almond milk cappucino.

Summer Fall

It happened again. Rule No. 1. At our favorite jelly-legs national park spot, Half Dome at Yosemite. A young woman from Lake Havasu City, Arizona, was climbing the cables last week when she slipped and fell, oh, about 500 feet, to her death.

Look at that. People do this every summer. I wussed out (sorry to have squandered someone else’s lottery slot). I’m not ashamed.

The cables were erected in 1919. In 2010 the permit system was established to limit the number of climbers. No word on how the hiker, 29 year-old Danielle Burnett, came to meet her mortal fate other than that she fell and didn’t stop until 500 feet later.

Half Dome is one of, if not THE, most impressive geological formations in North America. Definitely see it. Definitely hike as far as the folks in the picture above. If you decide to go to the top, best of luck. I’ll wait right here.

****

Pardon The Interruption: Gotta run to talk to the redoubtable Ralph Russo for his podcast. Today, 9-10-19, is my first palindromic birthday. Thrilled.

****

And we’re back…

Track Jenny Rules Again

She did it again. Jenny Simpson won her SEVENTH CONSECUTIVE Fifth Avenue Mile this weekend and did so in a course-record 4:16.10.

You could make a solid argument that, outside of this blog and LetsRun.com, Simpson is the most unheralded-relative-to-her-feats athlete in the U.S.A. this past decade.

Simply put, Simpson, a three-time Olympian, has been the best American miler for roughly a decade. She’s the only American female to win a medal in the Olympic 1500 (the metric mile; she won bronze in Rio) EVER. Since the race became an Olympic women’s even in 1972. And Simpson really is a super person, kind and honest and humble and hard-working. We’re just here to give her the love she deserves.

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

"False start…. All the linemen except for the center."https://t.co/9bNwAA9vec

— Ari Meirov (@MySportsUpdate) September 9, 2019

Starting Five

Winner Winner

A classic in Queens as 6’6″ Russian Daniil Medvedev, persona non grata in New York a week ago after trolling the U.S. Open crowd, won them all over in a five-set final for the ages. Related: Medvedev lost to Rafael Nadal but who really cares?

The digits: 7-5, 6-3, 5-7, 4-6, 6-4.

Humor.
Adulation.
Respect.

Congratulations on a remarkable two weeks, @DaniilMedwed!#USOpen pic.twitter.com/oKOkmboQTc

— US Open Tennis (@usopen) September 9, 2019

Medvedev nearly lost in straight sets, but rallied to force a fourth set and then a fifth. Then, down 5-2 in the fifth set, he nearly broke serve twice to force a 5-5 draw but then Nadal, 209-1 in his career when winning the first two sets of a five-set match, did what he do.

Nadal now has 19 career grand slams, just one behind Roger Federer, 38, and a torch passing seems inexorable. For Medvedev, 23, it was the breakout moment for a funny and charismatic future champion.

She Brought Her ‘Eh’ Game*

*The judges will also accept “Casa Bianca”

One night earlier in Flushing, 19 year-old Bianca Andreescu of Canada (by way of Romania) upset Serena Williams in straight sets in the U.S. Open women’s final. Andreescu becomes the first Canadian, male or female, ever to win a Grand Slam singles title, and the first person in the 139-year history of the U.S. Open to win the title in her main-draw debut.

A year ago, Andreescu said she was “at home, sitting on my butt” during the Open. Serena Williams, meanwhile, loser a fourth consecutive Grand Slam final since reaching 23 in her career. She remains one behind Margaret Court on the all-time list.

This is actually hilarious. My moms a straight G. I’ll never be that cool https://t.co/4pvXVf5ZXv

— Bianca (@Bandreescu_) September 9, 2019

As for Andreescu, the daughter of Romanian immigrants who fled to Canada a quarter century earlier with nothing more than what they had in their suitcases, she was asked if it was more difficult to grow up in Canada as the daughter of immigrants. ““Definitely not,” she said. “No, Canada is such an amazing country. It’s so multi-cultural. I had no trouble growing up having Romanian parents whatsoever. That’s why I love my country so, so much.”

Is USC An Awakening Giant?

Those of you us putting USC on life support after quarterback J.T. Daniels was lost for the season in the first half of the first game due to a torn ACL, who saw them narrowly escape Fresno State, who watched as they fell behind 17-3 to Stanford at the Mausoleum on Saturday night…we were wrong.

The Trojans went on a 42-3 run to end the contest, boat-racing the Cardinal back to Palo Alto. True frosh QB Kedon Slovis of Scottsdale, the newly installed pilot of USC’s “Heir Raid” Offense, has completed 82.9% of his passes. There’s only one quarterback in FBS with as high a completion rate after two games: MH Red Grange frontrunner Jalen Hurts of Oklahoma.

If USC can tackle BYU in Provo on Saturday (the Cougs may be feeling some momentum after a Lazarus-like win in Knoxville), then upset No. 11 Utah on a Friday night in L.A. (what they did to Wazzu last season) and then beat an overrated U-Dub in Seattle, well, then they’d come to South Bend in mid-October 5-0. It could happen. Never thought we’d be saying that 9 days earlier.

Jackson’s Five

In the most impressive display of the NFL’s opening Sunday, second-year Raven quarterback Lamar Jackson throws five touchdown passes as Baltimore drowns Miami, 59-10. Jackson was one of two NFL QBs yesterday who finished with a perfect 158.3 passer rating (the other being Dallas’ Dak Prescott), though as Fox’s Troy Aikman wondered aloud, and we agree, how can it be perfect if the QB throws even one incompletion (Jackson threw three).

We’re going off on a tangent here, but this is just another example of common sense versus analytics. The analytics guys will tell you that you don’t understand how passer rating works, while the common sense guys (raises hand!) will reply that you don’t understand the meaning of perfect. If something is perfect, by definition it cannot be improved upon. And if you go 17 of 20 passing, as Jackson did, then it can be improved upon. Which is not to say it wasn’t fantastic.

Also worth noting: Rookie Gardner Minshew, in relief of Nick Foles (broken clavicle, will miss at least 10 games), completed his first 13 NFL passes and finished 22 of 25 in a defeat. This is going to derail his grad assistant coaching career for at least a season, we suspect.

UT-shirt

This one has Tom Rinaldi written all over it, and for once I cannot blame him. For a “College Colors” theme day at Altamonte School in Florida, a young student decided to represent his favorite team, the Tennessee Volunteers. But he did not own any official gear, so he made his own T-shirt.

Of course, his classmates bullied him, partly because of the homemade shirt and partly, let’s be honest, because he’s a Tennessee fan living in Florida. But the boy’s teacher went all Facebook in support of him, word got out to the Tennessee athletic department, and now the school has an officially licensed T-shirt based on his design (if you’re looking to buy me a birthday present, Susie B.).

My guess is that the school will soon run out of its official supply. But I wonder if any of the proceeds are going to the boy. Finally, this story ends perfectly in 12 to 14 years when the kids grows up to be a five-star quarterback in Florida but signs with Tennessee. Hope I’m around to see that.

Music 101

You Still Believe In Me

No sound better fit its place and time than the Beach Boys‘ with the southern California coastline of the Sixties. Just another ethereal, melancholy Brian Wilson classic from arguably the greatest pop-rock album ever made. Instruments played on this track include a harpsichord, timpani, clarinet and bicycle horn. They also plucked piano strings with a bobby pin.

Remote Patrol

Set Free

Netlflix

When John Mulaney sends out a tweet saying that a comedy special is “above and beyond,” we are more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Simon Amstell, 39, is a British comedian and Brits are funnier than we are (unless you’re from Minnesota, which puts you somewhere in between).

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Today, the NFL’s #InspireChange “social justice” group is funding & visiting a non-profit that wants to cut off the locks of Chicago Black youth for “a better life.” https://t.co/JdvWliIEqv pic.twitter.com/GpPV0DqK2M

— Resist Programming 🛰 (@RzstProgramming) September 5, 2019

WUT?!? Don’t they know the first move is to remove the tats?

Starting Five

Antonio!

He’s Antonio! He’s not your dog!

I don’t even know—or care—what the latest Raider nonsense with Antonio Brown actually is. See, kids, not caring about the NFL is good for you.

10-3, Good Buddy

Speaking of which, the Packers defeated the Bears 10-3 in blizzard-like conditions in Soldier Field. The wind was wailing, snow falling diagonally, and hence you can appreciate why both teams could only manage a total of one touchdown and two field goals.

The game’s leading rusher, someone named Aaron Jones, finished with 39 yards on 13 carries. There was reportedly a “game-winning punt.” Lordy. Is it Saturday yet?

Pray For Alabama

Last September, or was it two Septembers ago, it was Puerto Rico that was bludgeoned by a hurricane and the media (bad!) barely covered it. This time it’s Alabama, a land from which I’ve seen zero windbreakers-on-the-ground reports in the wake of Dorian’s destruction. What is WRONG with you people?

Fortunately we have a president who has shown that he will not abandon these Alabamians, no matter what their race or creed. Courage.

Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide will go ahead with their game versus New Mexico State in Tuscaloosa on Saturday. Sure, some folks will see this as insensitive, with all the downed power lines and flooded-out barbecue joints and such, but we can’t let Mother Nature slow us down.

Casting Abroad

You may view the trailer for the soon-to-be-released film Bombshell and think about what a pig Roger Ailes was. And you’d be right. But can we also take a moment to note that the three major roles went to a pair of Australian women (Nicole Kidman, Margot Robbie) and a South African (Charlize Theron)? And they’re all playing American blondes.

What in the good name of Farrah Fawcett (and Grace Kelly) is happening here? Why isn’t the U.S. of A. producing quality blonde bombshell actresses any more? (Obama’s fault, obs). Saoirse Ronan? Irish. ScarJo? Long Island, and not even a real blonde. How are we supposed to Make America Great Again when our greatest blonde actress (Emma Stone) dyes her hair auburn???

Meet Kamuysaurus japonicus

Scientists have discovered the remains of a 72 million year-old dinosaur in Japan. Its name: Kamuysaursu japonicas. The duck-billed dino is not the first of its kind and seems unlikely to displace another dinosaur as the island nation’s most popular giant lizard…