IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters*

*Yesterday’s COVID-19 death total was 2,597, the second-highest single-day death total since the pandemic began. There was a time when if that many Americans died in a single day from a single event we’d declare a “War on Terror.”

Herbie Unhinged

Want to see the worst moment of Kirk Herbstreit’s career? Here it is:

Herbie goes full “people are saying” on this one. Here are all the ways it was wrong:

  1. Herbie is a former Ohio State team captain and quarterback. He already must fight the “biased against Michigan” narrative daily and now he’s just given that camp nightmare fuel for the remainder of his career.
  2. He correlates the idea that Michigan could opt out of The Game with anonymous hearsay. Have the Wolverines opted out of a game yet? No.
  3. He fails to disclose—though most savvy viewers are aware—that in terms of his second point, what he’s “hearing from coaches,” that he’s basically being a mouth piece for Clemson’s Dabo Swinney… who just happens to coach two of his three sons.
  4. He’s throwing out a serious allegation—that some coaches are cowards—and basing it on hearsay from anonymous “coaches” (how many and how widespread?) who all have their own agendas, too. It’s like talking to the parents of the kids who didn’t make the high school soccer team and asking them to assess the character of the parents of the kids who did make the team.
  5. Bottom line, this is a serious allegation: that teams are using the pandemic to get out of playing games. Unless you have some evidence, might not wanna throw that Molotov cocktail into the discussion.

Herbstreit did take to Twitter to apologize immediately after the broadcast (not that this will change a single Michigan fan’s mind). It’s been, at best, an interesting season for him. It feels as if he may want to opt out for a weekend.

Rage Against The Vaccine

This is simply amazing. That’s charlatan preacher Kenneth Copeland accompanied by some delicious death-metal licks.

Rage Against The Obscene

https://twitter.com/jamesrbuk/status/1333919015174098950?s=20

There are plenty of monument bases in Georgia with no statues atop them due to Civil War and Confederate “statesmen” having been toppled by common sense. So maybe someone might want to sculpt one of this gentleman, Gabriel Sterling, Georgia’s Voting System Implementation Manager.

Sterling, on his Twitter feed, identifies as a conservative, by the way.

Finally, someone with a pair stands up to the Tantrump.

Pardon My Tyke

From this morning’s New York Times:

President Trump has discussed with advisers whether to grant pre-emptive pardons to his children, to his son-in-law and to his personal lawyer Rudolph W. Giuliani, and talked with Mr. Giuliani about pardoning him as recently as last week, according to two people briefed on the matter.

The ol’ pre-emptive pardon! There’s a lot of pre-emptive active in this morning’s MH, no?

Perhaps Tiffany should wear it as a badge of honor that she was not included on the list. Nothing says “I’m Guilty!” quite like President Trump attempting to pardon you.

Beat Your Palau Shares…

With an emphasis on Sustainability, Community and Diversity, Lonely Planet has released its Best In Travel in 2021. Which, alas, is not simply a list of places to (wishful thinking, particularly in a pandemic) to go. A few places it did name, though:

–the islands of Palau

–Gothenburg, Sweden

–Costa Rica

–Youngstown, Ohio (not really but wouldn’t that be funny?)

–Rwanda

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Diary of A Doc

Delay Of Game

The undefeated (10-0) Pittsburgh Steelers were supposed to host the Baltimore Ravens on Thanksgiving. Then it was supposed to be played on Sunday. Then Tuesday (today).

Now it’s on for tomorrow at 3:40 p.m. Why a Wednesday afternoon? Because NBC has the rights to the game and NBC is committed to the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting ceremony? Have you seen the tree this year? It’s green and pathetic: all the ornaments should be Jets players.

Say Hi, Heidi.

Tom and Huck and Louie

Happened upon this vintage Louis C.K. bit about the difference between Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, but what makes it unintentionally ironic/funny is the comic’s confession just after the 3-minute mark. Wow.

How do you cope with sh*t in your past that’s bad? How do you try to feel like a good country when you’ve done sh*tty things?

Here’s one way: By not continuing to do them more than 30 years later?

Straight and Narrows

The Narrows, Zion National Park, southern Utah.

Don’t tell anyone, but the southern Utah/northern Arizona/southwestern Colorado/northwestern New Mexico region is the most enchanted area of the country. Other than perhaps Alaska, where we’ve never been. Don’t let the secret out. If you live in Flagstaff or Moab or Durango, you’re lucky. And you’ll be able to sell your home for double in a decade is our guess.

Florida Man

Happy Thanksgiving, indeed.

This is Stuart Bee, 62, who went missing after setting sail last Friday afternoon from Port Canaveral on the east coast of Florida. Bee set off in his 32-foot boat, Stingray, all by himself.

We’re not sure why the boat capsized but the U.S. Coast Guard found him 86 miles off shore and suddenly became Bee keepers. Do they charge for this service because if they rescue you by helicopter here off Camelback Mountain it costs, like, $10,000.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

They Went To Jaret*

*The judges will also accept “JP More Gains” and “Right, Patterson!”

Buffalo running back Jaret Patterson had a game for the ages on Saturday. In a game between two 3-0 MAC squads, Patterson rushed for an astounding 409 yards and scored EIGHT touchdowns on runs of…. wait a minute here while I look it up… 3, 31, 42, 49, 1, 7, 11 and 58 yards.

On his TD runs alone, Patterson gained 202 yards.

Patterson’s eight TDs tie former Illinois running back Howard Griffith for the most ever in an FBS game (Sept. 22, 1990).

Patterson’s 409 yards (on 36 carries) fell 18 short of the 427 gained by Samaje Perine (Oklahoma) in 2014, and his mark is now in second place.

Patterson’s teammate, Kevin Marks, Jr., had a decent game with 97 yards and two touchdowns, but few will ever remember it.

Notre Dame’s center is named Jarrett Patterson (broke foot versus Boston College, out for rest of season). He’s considered the best player at his position in college football. But he’s not the best Jarrett/Jaret Patterson in college football.

Patterson now leads the FBS in rushing at 230 yards per game.

Nate Crime*

*The judges will also accept “Dunked On”

Is there a more 2020 headline than “Former NBA Dunk Contest Champ Knocked Cold By 23 Year-Old YouTube Sensation?” Probably, but this is certainly bizarre enough to make the annals. Nate Robinson, who is 36, 5’9″ and during an unlikely 13-year NBA career became the league’s first three-time slam dunk champ, was knocked out and cold by Jake “The Problem Child” Paul. Who is a YouTube millionaire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJoAW0r9XQU

It wasn’t pretty.

One Small Kick For Womenkind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8DGRHN4YZs

In Columbia, Missouri, Sarah Fuller became the first female to play in an SEC and/or Power 5 football contest. The full-time keeper on Vanderbilt’s women’s soccer team, Fuller stepped in to assume kicking duties for the Commodores due to Covid-19.

Vandy being Vandy, it never scored and thus only kicked off once during the contest: a designed squib kick. The next day, Vanderbilt head coach Derek Mason was fired. Not because of this, but I’m sure Clay and Jason will find a way to correlate the two events.

Tantrump

We don’t want to spend too much time on the lame duck, only to note this “interview” (diatribe) with Fox Business’ Maria Bartiromo Sunday morning (oh, now she’s bemused). We watched this and thought of a comment from a CNN or MSNBC guest a couple weeks back who noted that Trump was in the early stages of DABDA (Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance) that all terminally ill folk go through.

But then we had a thought. We don’t believe the president will ever cycle through all five stages of DABDA. Denial and Anger, certainly, and to an extent even Bargaining (bits of all three in this rant). But Depression? Perhaps. Acceptance? Never.

That’s what makes him different. It’s also why so many people admire him, but this is not a virtue. It’s a flaw. Not a feature, but a bug. Not sure why so many people admire someone who can never admit they lost or they’re wrong, when they’ve clearly lost or are clearly wrong. That’s not heroic; it’s immature.

In An Instant

This is William “Rowdy” Harrell, who was living a dream life up until the moment it was all taken away. The Moundville, Ala., native was killed in a car crash last week while honeymooning in the Florida Keys. His wife, Blakley, also died in the accident. Harrell’s vehicle, a Toyota Corolla, apparently crossed the center line of a two-lane highway and struck a pickup truck. The other driver was treated for minor injuries.

Harrell was 30. He’d attended college, in Tuscaloosa, just up the road from his hometown. Walked on to the football team and was a part of THREE national championship squads for the University of Alabama (2009, 2011, 2012). Then he got a job with Hendrick Motor Sports as part of the pit crew. If you are a good ol’ boy, particularly one from Alabama, you’ve checked two of the three boxes (all that was missing was a stint on the Pro Bass Fishing Tour).

An incredible adventure. Cut tragically short.

Gone-olith

Remember the Utah desert monolith? It’s disappeared. Kudos to whoever pulled this stunt, be they terrestrial or extra-terrestrial.

What needs to happen next is for it to keep making surprise cameos in unlikely places. Maybe at the next College GameDay?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Turkey-Based

We searched for this photo the other day, taken by Erin Schaff of The New York Times, but were unable to locate it in our usual haunts. This should be remembered as one of the lasting and great photographs of 2020. To see the angle as Schaff did and seize the opportunity, well, lens caps off to her.

Compliments of Four Seasons Total Office Furniture.

“I AM big, it’s the desks that got small.”

Amazon Vs America

Approximately 260,000 American lives have been lost since the first official COVID-19 death on February 29th (of course…on an outlier day comes this outlier year). And we’ll likely be north of 300,000 by Christmas.

But as fast as Americans are dying, Amazon is adding employees even faster. The Seattle-based on-line shopping goliath has added, according to The New York Times, approximately 430,000. Amazon’s full staff is now about equal to the population of Dallas.

So look at it this way: You’re either going to die or wind up working for Jeff Bezos.

Valley Of Fire

About an hour’s drive northeast of Las Vegas sits Valley Of Fire state park (and how has the road above never been used in a film…or if it has, who’s seen it?). There are some fantastic hikes here and the most you’ll lose is $10 (the park’s entrance fee) while there aren’t many $10 tables left on the Strip, so think about that the next time you visit Sin City and need a respite.

Katie McCollow, Artist At Large

Gus Johnson likes to refer to Jenny Taft as “The All-American Girl,” but we think the same applies to fellow southwest Minneapolis native Katie McCollow. This site’s top writer is also an accomplished painter (and improv actress and voiceover maven, etc.) and is probably too busy to paint you something to give as a Christmas present, but you may still reach out to her and request a print. KatieMccollow.com

Tell her Medium Happy sent you and you’ll receive a 0% discount.

“Roasted The Father”

An oldie but a goodie. Andy Samberg’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of James Franco. This is so original. Right up there with Norm MacDonald intentionally bombing his set a few years earlier. The look on Seth Rogen’s face at about :38 says it all.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Maradona!

Few athletes ever enjoyed a better day than Argentine striker Diego Maradona did in June of 1986. Maradona, who died yesterday of heart failure at the age of 60 (his liver had lived 180 years by then), scored two memorable goals in leading Argentina past England in the quarterfinals. One was the controversial Hand of God goal (above), the other was this…

The mid-1980s. What a time to be alive! The days were ruled by Madonna and Maradona.

And then there’s this from Oasis’ Liam Gallagher about the band’s brush with greatness. You may need to listen a time or three to decipher, but it’s worth it. Be careful of the “fooks.”

A Collinsworth Thanksgiving

Dyed On The Battlefield

President Trump and Rudy Giuliani were scheduled to appear at Gettysburg yesterday, but something innate in 45 reminded him that it was a battlefield where U.S. soldiers died and those old bone spurs flared up again. The visit was canceled.

Happy Thanksgiving, all! We’re off to work…