IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 6 Comments

by John Walters

Tom Brady, Donald Trump, Racism and the NFL

Super Bowl LV (55), which is sadly not taking place in Las Vegas (seemed a no-brainer) will take place on February 7, from Tampa, between the defending champion Kansas City Chiefs and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. CBS will air seven—count ’em, 7!—hours of pregame programming, four and a half specifically of live TV of The NFL Today, beginning at 2 p.m.

So we wonder, with all that time to fill, will CBS discuss: Tom Brady’s Teflon approach to media scrutiny, which includes talking little and talking even less if the subject is not football; his support of Donald Trump; the fact that NFL owners staunchly refuse to hire a black head coach even though Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh had demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that men of color are more than up to the job; the fact that both of Kansas City’s coordinators are black but can’t seem to get an HC job? The fact that the last time Tom Brady met K.C. in the postseason, his team’s owner began the day with a rub-and-tug from a massage parlor located in a strip mall located not far from where the 45th president of the U.S. now resides? Or even the continued blackballing of Colin Kaepernick, who is still 10 years younger than Brady?

Yeah, I don’t think we’ll hear about any of that. The Super Bowl is the most-watched television program in the world each year. They’re not going there, at least not more than in passing.

With Utter Conviction

Now that Donald Trump has left the White House (words we were not sure we’d be able to type in 2021) and the Democrats control both the House and the Senate, the Republicans have shifted from “Law and Order” to “Unity” and “Let’s Move On.”

Yesterday, SCOTUS ruled that Trump’s violation of the emoluments clause, which is, like most Trump crimes, clear and apparent to all, was MOOT. They dismissed the case on the grounds that… well, having read two stories about it, I’m still not sure. The plaintiffs seem to feel vindicated that their cases were heard (there were two cases filed against Trump) and that they proved beyond any doubt that Trump profited as president by doing business with foreign governments, wielding his office as a tool of influence, and SCOTUS seems to be saying, Yeah, but, now what?

And no one involved seems to be bothered by it? We’ll never understand why people keep issuing Donald Trump a free pass. The next episode on this neverending exoneration tour appears to be the Senate impeachment trial, where once again Republicans will play the “What good will punishing him do?” card while carefully omitting the fact that Donald Trump’s White House executed more federal criminals than the past 60 years of White House administrations combined.

Interesting.

Senate Democrats must pursue Trump’s impeachment with utter conviction. They must make clear, to use a metaphor, the following:

  1. There was, in fact, a shooting on 5th Avenue.
  2. We have footage of said shooting.
  3. We know the name of the shooter: Donal Trump.
  4. None of the first three items are debatable.
  5. Those who vote against impeachment are voting in favor of more shootings.

Two more items worth noting: 1) When you don’t need to call any witnesses because every Senator involved is a witness, that’s telling, and 2) When you’re a president whose sequel is not a second term but rather a second impeachment, that’s also telling.

JFKKK

If you’ve seen Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, then you’ve already met Missouri senator Josh Hawley. Young, smart, well-educated, handsome, well-dressed and, oh yeah, amoral. Hawley, to borrow a line from Bill Maher, is the son of a banker with degrees from Stanford and Yale who wins votes by professing his loathing of elites.

Find any Senate vote that is opposed to impeachment or the condemnation of Timothy Mcveigh or even the ratification of Janet Yellen as the first female head of the Dept. of Treasury, and you’ll see Hawley has signed on. He fashions himself as a younger, more cunning version of Donald Trump just hoping to inherit his base.

Here’s the problem, Senator Hawley: for better (but so much more for worse), there’s really only one Donald Trump.

Matt Gaetz and Madison Cawthorn are also auditioning for this role. They, too, fall short. Trump is sui generis. You cannot replicate it. You can harness the racism, sure, but you’ll never whip up THE BASE the way Trump has.

But Can She Do ‘The Jackal?’

https://twitter.com/FirenzeMike/status/1353780715272462342?s=20

We’re already smitten with the new White House press secretary, Jen Psaki. It’s as if someone created a real-life C.J. Cregg. You wonder how many times she watched C.J.’s greatest hits.

In case you’re blanking on The Jackal reference, and even if you’re not but would like to see it again, here it is. A classic TV moment that evolved from a bit Alison Janney would do in her trailer to kill time between scenes on The West Wing.

SI Institutes Paywall

Last year my former employer, Sports Illustrated, made news when one of its most handsomely paid ($350K…are you freaking kidding me?!?) writers, Grant Wahl, got upset. Seems Wahl suggested that his bosses were using the pandemic as an excuse to cut salaries (maybe he was right, I dunno) and he went public and was soon out of a job.

Today, Axios is writing that SI will, beginning next month, put its premium content behind a paywall. Which, to those of us who grew up subscribing to SI, makes sense. You should have to pay to read fantastic journalism. The question is, Besides Steve Rushin, whose byline regularly appears in SI these days that is so much more insightful and entertaining that you’d be willing to pay for it? SI and the rest of us are about to discover if this maneuver will work.

SI 2020: Pay Wahl.

SI 2021: Paywall.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

Tweet-Life People (Whoa-Oh-Ohhhhh!)

by John Walters

Tom After Tom*

*The judges will also accept “The Bucs Don’t Stop Here” or “Back To The Pewter”

In the first NFC Championship Game between two Bay teams (with “Bay” in the names, as opposed to San Francisco Bay), Tampa prevails over Green, 31-26.

Yes, 43 year-old Tom Brady threw three interceptions, but the Bucs won. He’s headed to his 10th Super Bowl to be played in his team’s home stadium (for the first time in Super Bowl history).

The Quiet Superstar

We fans always overlooked Henry Aaron, who died over the weekend at age 86, somewhat. Willie Mays was the “Say Hey” Kid. Mickey Mantle was baseball. Sandy Koufax was the brilliant comet, the brightest star in the game who did not stay too long. Bob Gibson? The ultimate intimidator.

When I was growing up and becoming obsessed with baseball, I did notice that while Henry Aaron never seemed to be painted with those same brushstrokes of legend, it was he who was the game’s all-time leader in both home runs and RBI. And those were, and remain, pretty significant baseball metrics.

He remains the game’s all-time leader in RBI (2,297….Albert Pujols is 197 away) and as far as we’re concerned, in HR, too (715). I met him when I was eight or nine at the Monmouth Mall in Eatontown, N.J., when my parents took me for an autograph signing. If there’s a photo (or autograph) anywhere, I have no idea where it is. Stupid me.

Look Who’s Talking Now

In the past four days White House coronavirus experts Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx (the latter of whom is retiring) have vented about how deceitful the former administration was. This is news to no one whose TV does not have Fox News or OAN or NewsMax on its Last Channel button.

I’m not sure why anyone would be hailing either of them for these sudden fits of candor. Why didn’t either of them have the temerity to speak up when 45 was in charge? And what would have happened had he won the election?

Let’s remember something: either of them could have resigned and come clean with the American public. Neither of them did. They were accomplices, even if they like to think of themselves as conscientious objectors.

Dublin Down

In Abu Dhabi, capitol of the United Arab Emirates, American Dustin Poirier gives a lesson in drilling to Irishman Conor McGregor in UFC 257. McGregor, probably the most renowned—and infamous—MMA fighter of the past decade, was dropped late in the 2nd round.

Poirier, a bayou native, weakened the swift Dublin native with leg kicks to the calf, then dropped him with a flurry of punches. McGregor, 32, may be eyeing retirement soon. He has now lost three of his last six bouts after having won 15 in a row between 2011-2015.

GameStop The Insanity

When the history of the crazy, insane year in the stock market is written (commencing around March 12, 2020, the morning after Rudy Gobert was diagnosed with COVID-19, and America began to take the coronavirus seriously), a special chapter will need to be written about the latest phenomenon, the SHORT SQUEEZE.

Look at what has happened to these three stocks in just the past two days:

GME (GameStop): From $45 to $102

BBBY (Bed, Bath & Beyond): From $26 to $42

AMC (theatres): From $2.80 to $4.60

We don’t understand all of it, but apparently a few analysts downgraded these stocks and then the finance equivalent of the capitol-storming horde together and decided to pour gobs of cash into these equities. So that the hedge funds that (foolishly) chose to short these stocks are now being pulled by the short hairs. And so they’re buying in to save themselves from utter calamity (covering your shorts by purchasing shares to offset the losses).

This is why we never short. And perhaps we’ve explained this poorly. But when you have companies that are already way overvalued as stock shooting up 50% to 100% in one day, well, stay away. Blood in the water.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

There IS A Doctor In The House

Tell us how you really feel, Dr. Fauci.

A Lion In Winter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWxzMSwzE-I

At least Dan Campbell, new Detroit Lion head coach, stopped short of saying something like, “We’re going to poison the other team’s Gatorade coolers with tap water from Flint.” At least he stopped short of saying that.

Shaw Goes Full Mitchum Huntzberger

Did Shaq go too far (like, way too far?) in criticizing Donovan Mitchell on national television for being good but not great? Interesting side note: Shaq was a behemoth who could barely dribble or shoot a free throw (“Hack-a-Shaq”) and if it weren’t for his sheer massive size and the fact that officials feared whistling him for charges and offensive fouls would not have played in the NBA.

Anyway, this moment reminded us of one of our favorite scenes from Gilmore Girls. You almost never see this in a non-streaming, non-HBO TV series: the protagonist, someone who has never committed a sinister action, is told straight up by another, lesser character that she’s not all that. There’s no malevolence behind Huntzberger’s actions; he’s just being straight up with her. Disagree with him if you like (he’s right, actually), but this MH just drove a bulldozer through one of the show’s main conceits: that Rory Gilmore is the golden child.

Bern Notice

Wolverine Goddesses

A good week for female athletes at the University of Michigan. Last night Wolverine forward Naz Hillmon scored a school-record 50 points (and had 16 rebounds) in a loss against Ohio State.

And over the weekend anchor leg Ziyah Holman demonstrated the benefits of never, ever giving up.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

From MAGA To Gaga

Yes, another old white guy is the new president. And yet yesterday was wholly remarkable and entirely refreshing. A palate cleanser (as well as a palace cleanser). It’s almost incredible to believe that the inauguration of the 46th president, Joseph Biden, took place on the same site where only two weeks earlier thousands of insurrectionists attempted to overthrow the presidential election.

Unbelievable days in which we live.

Two weeks ago, MAGA was breaking glass and beating cops. Yesterday, Lady Gaga was singing the national anthem on that same ground.

The previous president promised to “Make America Great Again.” All most of us hope that his predecessor does is Make America Good Again. Good, as in decent, kind, trustworthy, neighborly. We’ll all settle for that, no?

American Beauty

I didn’t know who Amanda Gorman was when yesterday dawned. I sure do now. If you have not already, give yourself to these 5 1/2 minutes. Again, looking back just two short weeks, a young woman from Colorado inside the U.S. Capitol, in the House chamber, was giving an oration in which she declared, “I call bullcrap!” And then yesterday this young woman from California delivered this creation of her own words.

Here’s her interview with Anderson Cooper from last night…

Feel The Bern

Nothing said “Watching my granddaughter’s soccer game in mid-November” quite like this photo snapped of Senator Bernie Sanders yesterday. It’s the picture that launched a thousand memes…

This…

…and this…

…and of course, this…

Heaven-Sent

I’ve been thinking about something for awhile now, but I haven’t made the time to type it up. So I’ll attempt to do so now. The timing of this is ideal as today marks the first anniversary of the first reported coronavirus case in the United States, in Washington.

I’ll attempt to make my argument in the form of a geometry proof. Please bear with me, as it’s been about 39 years since the last time I wrote out a geometry proof.

THEORY: The coronavirus was heaven-sent.

STATEMENT: An overwhelming number of Christians and evangelicals voted for Donald Trump.

STATEMENT: Christians and evangelicals believe in the power of God to directly influence events.

STATEMENT: An overwhelming number of Christians and evangelicals have seen Donald Trump as a savior of sorts, an instrument of the Lord to save the USA.

STATEMENT: Donald Trump wins the presidency if not for the coronavirus (I cannot prove this but I feel very confident in saying it).

STATEMENT: Donald Trump did not need to lose the presidency because of the coronavirus.

STATEMENT: The coronavirus was and remains a crisis (an immensely deadly one), but it also offered President Trump a unique opportunity.

STATEMENT: President Trump failed to seize that opportunity.

STATEMENT: It is not, nor has it ever been in Donald Trump’s nature, to roll up his sleeves and do the work. It is in his nature to make himself a priority, and in the case of the coronavirus a year ago, his priority was that he not be blamed for it.

STATEMENT: The coronavirus, contrary to what Trish Reagan believes, is non-partisan.

STATEMENT: If Donald Trump had only been willing to behave as a true leader should, to be honest with us and ask us to sacrifice (wear masks) for the good of all, he would’ve not only retained his base but even won over those who did not vote for him in 2016.

STATEMENT: Alas, it was never in Donald Trump’s nature to lead. It is only in his nature to analyze something as to how it affects him. In the moment, he ascertained that the coronavirus would derail his campaign.

STATEMENT: It is not in Donald Trump’s nature to be honest. Hence, confronted with the prospect of the pandemic in the election year, he simply lied about its gravity, or refused to listen to the experts, simply hoping that if he told enough lies or ignored it enough, it would vanish like E. Jean Carroll without a friendly New York City-based editor.

STATEMENT: If you believe in God and His ability to directly influence events, then He threw down the coronavirus not as a means to derail Trump, but as a means to test him. WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT? Politically, the coronavirus could have been an incredible triumph for Donald Trump if only, out of character, he had been able to think and behave like a true leader.

STATEMENT: The coronavirus did not derail Donald Trump. It merely exposed him for who he is. And since it is not something borne of man or a Democratic strategist, he had no one to blame but himself.

STATEMENT: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Don, Con, Gone*

*The judges will also accept “Crime’s Up”

Let’s begin with Van Morrison…

On inauguration day, 2016, I suggested to my Newsweek editor that he let me watch the ceremony from the bar inside Trump Tower. The day was gray and I remember exiting the place wondering, with anxiety, just where we were headed. Trump’s speech was dark (“carnage” and “law and order”) and everyone inside the bar acted as if they were either judge Smails or related to him.

Turns out that all of our fears were well-founded. No, Mr. Pence, Trump did not get us into a foreign war, but he certainly launched one here at home.

But, we all made it. What’s your overwhelming emotion today? Mine is not euphoria or ecstasy or anything like it. Mine is simply… RELIEF.

President Trump boarding the marine helicopter on the South Lawn for the final, and we mean FINAL, time. Yes, that is a white power symbol he’s flashing.

All A Twitter

https://twitter.com/adena_andrews/status/1351855779800887296?s=20

In this morning’s New York Times, all of Donald Trump’s Twitter insults in one confined space, from 2015 until he was permanently banned on January 8th. You have to wonder how much better shape this country would be in if @Jack had banned him at least two years ago. But what corporate titan has steel balls like that?

Let’s not forget how this all began: Trump promotes the birther lie for four or so years, and it gains followers among the disaffected white wing. And finally Obama produces his birth certificate and shuts him down. And then, in 2011 I believe, Trump attends the White House Correspondents’ Dinner where both Obama and Seth Meyers roast him. I mean, Jeffrey Ross probably even guffawed at the lines. And Trump had to sit there and take it.

And most people, myself included, thought, Well, we put that one to bed. But no: Give Trump credit; he got the last laugh here. And it almost cost us democracy.

I like what Te-Nihisi Coates wrote here (and I’m sure that makes him feel good, knowing I approve) in The Atlantic:

To Trump, whiteness is neither notional nor symbolic but is the very core of his power. In this, Trump is not singular. But whereas his forebears carried whiteness like an ancestral talisman, Trump cracked the glowing amulet open, releasing its eldritch energies. The repercussions are striking: Trump is the first president to have served in no public capacity before ascending to his perch. But more telling, Trump is also the first president to have publicly affirmed that his daughter is a “piece of ass.” The mind seizes trying to imagine a black man extolling the virtues of sexual assault on tape (“When you’re a star, they let you do it”), fending off multiple accusations of such assaults, immersed in multiple lawsuits for allegedly fraudulent business dealings, exhorting his followers to violence, and then strolling into the White House. But that is the point of white supremacy—to ensure that that which all others achieve with maximal effort, white people (particularly white men) achieve with minimal qualification. Barack Obama delivered to black people the hoary message that if they work twice as hard as white people, anything is possible. But Trump’s counter is persuasive: Work half as hard as black people, and even more is possible.

It’s Over: The Rainbow

Who better to put all of this into its proper perspective than Donald Trump’s new Florida neighbor, Randy Rainbow?

Fortnight

Here’s how much things can change in just two weeks:

January 6, 2021

January 20, 2021

“You BLEW It!”

Someone sent me Mitch McConnell’s about-face in the U.S. Senate yesterday in which he says, and I quote, “The mob was fed lies. They were provoked by the president and other powerful people.”

And someone actually thinks Mitch deserves a golf clap for this? After five people were dead and he knew the truth months ago? When I saw this my mind raced to a favorite scene, from Copland, in which Sly Stallone is Mitch and you and I are Bobby De Niro.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGuVTw01vrM