IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Once Upon A Time In Comerica

Opening Day.

Ninety minutes later in Detroit, it would be sunny. But in the bottom of the first, when Miguel Cabrera lofted this home run to right field, it was a winter wonderland. Miggy slid into second base, not sure if his ball had left the park.

https://twitter.com/JoeyMulinaro/status/1377258961884299273?s=20

Cabrera’s snow-mer came off reigning AL Cy Young winner Shane Bieber, who struck out 12 but took the loss.

Gaetz Of Hell

Matt Gaetz Play List: “Sexy And Seventeen,” (Stray Cats) “Girls, Girls, Girls,” (Motley Crue), “Young Girl,” (Gary Puckett) “Edge Of Seventeen” (Stevie Nicks), “Go Away, Little Girl” (Bobby Vinton), and of course, “I Love Little Girls” (Oingo Boingo) or “Private Life” (also by Oingo Boingo, the band name of which sounds well, kinda dirty).

We predicted Gaetz will resign by Easter Sunday and there’s nothing quite like a holiday weekend Friday afternoon for a news dump. It is curious, though, how so many God-fearing Christians in the GOP will head to worship services secure in the knowledge that God/Jesus espouses Republican values while casually ignoring the manifold misdeeds of men such as Gaetz and, of course, his hero, Donald Trump. Some of us are old enough to remember when Gaetz, 38, a Florida congressman, flew all the way to Wyoming simply to appear at a rally condemning Republican senator Liz Cheney for condemning the January 6 insurrection. Weird.

Fox News and Fox Business News has not mentioned “Matt Gaetz” since that disastrous Tucker Carlson interview. He’s already been disappeared.

The Interactive Exhibits Are Lit. Literally.

Enter The Ring, Exit The Ring Finger

How intense are MMA fights? At the Cage Fighting Fury Championship in Philadelphia, fighter Khetag Pliev lost his ring finger. Not a ring on his finger. His finger.

The referee stopped the bout so that those closest to the action could search for the missing digit. The finger was eventually found, dislodged from Pliev’s hand, inside his glove after several minutes of searching. The finger was later reattached at a hospital.

Pliev lost the fight. The real calamity here.

That Tree Has More Than One Trunk

We don’t know who the photo editor for the Bing home page is, but he or she does a fantastic job. Each day they post a photo that perfectly illustrates what a big, wide, wonderful planet we live on. It’s totally my favorite planet (of the ones I’ve visited). Anyway, this was their pic yesterday.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

The Edge Of Seventeen

Advice for both Matt Gaetz and the NFL that any inveterate Blackjack player would tell them: do not hit on 17. Why can’t To Catch A Predator stick to sports? Why does it have to get politics involved?

Are we done here? I think so.

Gaetz will resign within a week.

Trifecta

It’s Opening Day, April Fool’s Day AND Holy Thursday. I really don’t know how you mash all three of those together seamlessly, but maybe invite 12 of your closest friends to dinner and have everyone sit on one side of the table while watching the Mets-Senators game and do NOT believe anyone who says Rocky Mountain oysters are seafood.

In The Rough

Los Angeles County sheriff’s detectives have reportedly determined what caused Tiger Woods’ car crash last month but will not reveal it, citing privacy issues. In short, they won’t reveal it unless Tiger does. Which sounds rather passive aggressive, no?

This leaves it up to all of our imaginations as to what might have caused the morning crash in which no other vehicles were apparently involved. The suggestions range from the sublime (he swerved to avoid a Caddy) to the ridiculous (sexting Kobe’s widow… too soon?).

We’ll have to wait and see.

Feeling Minnesota

Slide over there, hockey. Maybe Minnesota is really a basketball state?

For our money, the two most valuable players in the respective NCAA tournaments are true freshmen from the Land of 10,000 Lakes. That would be Paige Bueckers of UConn and Jalen Suggs of Gonzaga

Suggs is last year’s Minnesota Basketball AND Football prep player of the year just a year. Teammate Corey Kispert was his conference’s player of the year. Fellow teammate Drew Timme is the tournament’s leading scorer (and non-verbal smack talker). But Suggs just has “IT.”

Once his outside shooting range catches up to his maturity and control of the flow, watch out. He’s our No. 1 draft pick because you can build a franchise around hist talent, his leadership and his marketability.

Bueckers, meanwhile, has been UConn’s top targeted recruit since she was a freshman in high school. She was just named AP Player of the Year as a frosh, is Geno’s first freshman to ever average 20 ppg (20.1) and is scoring at a 22.5 ppg clip during the tourney. If female players turned pro after one season, she’d be gone.

Even Suggs has said of his fellow native Minnesotan: She’s the GOAT.

Woop! There Goes Gravity

*The judges understand if you’d prefer to go old school and use Steve Miller’s “Space Cowboy” title as opposed to this Eminem lyric.

We were excited when we saw this on the Twitters this morning, but then did a little research and discovered that McCandless actually did this back in 1984. So what do we know? Still, quite a photo there.

Song Crafting

This is fabulous, as Paul Simon reveals that his 1970 classic came together from quite disparate bits ranging from a Bach chorale to a gospel group. It’s also wonderful interviewing by Dick Cavett, as he does something not enough of his successors (looking directly at you, Conan and Fallon) have learned to do: sit back and listen; don’t interrupt.

Quite a gem. There’s another interview between these two men in which Simon informs Cavett that Garfunkel did not like the song when he first heard it.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

Dr. Doom*

*The judges will hesitantly accept “Rochelle, Rochelle”

CDC director Rochelle Walensky, certainly not taking a page (or a tweet) from the previous administration, warns of “impending doom” with the number of Covid cases rising 12% in the past week. It seems as if Dr. Walensky is worrying that Americans are easing up as we approach the finish line…

unless she’s referring to Riverside, Calif.,-based Christian dither metal band Impending Doom, whose hits include “Ravenous Disease” and “Hell Breaks Loose.”

Dr. Death

Does anyone understand what Dr. Deborah Birx is doing in her interview with CNN? Is she blithely stating that, oh yeah, we probably should not have deceived the American people for those final seven months of Donald Trump’s presidency, needlessly abetting the deaths of 400,000 Americans? If only she had been in a position, you know, to do something about that.

Here’s her Profile In Cowardice, after her boss touts himself as “certainly I’m someone with a good you-know-what” (no…what?):

It’s like an Auschwitz guard who could’ve liberated prisoners but says later that if he’d have done so, that might’ve alarmed the other concentration campers that something was amiss where that smoke stack was continuously spewing white ash.

No, it’s certainly not all her fault. But is she atoning here? Is she attempting to say, You don’t understand; if I had contradicted Donald….what? Was Putin going to poison her? She had her chance to resign and speak up last summer. She rolled the dice, hoped Trump would win, and that she’d never have to come to terms with her dereliction of duty.

In moments such as these, I go to old friend Rust Cohle to provide some wisdom and advice for dear ol’ Dr. Birx.

Baylor Out

Few if any schools can survive a 19-0 second half run by Connecticut and still be in a position to win the game at the end. But that was the case with defending national championship Baylor last night. Also, the Huskies were not called for a foul against DiJonai Carrington in the closing moments with a one-point lead.

UConn frosh Paige Bueckers had 28 in the win and we’re here for a Stanford-UConn championship match, should it happen.

Afterward Kim Mulkey, Baylor coach, suggested that there be no more COVID testing during either the men’s or women’s tournaments because it would be a shame to have a game canceled at this point and she was immediately sent a gift hoodie by the folks at the MGM sports book in Vegas. I mean, I kind of see her point and she does live in Texas, after all.

Buffalo Woes

The Buffalo Sabres had been winless in their previous 17 games before hosting the Philadelphia Flyers. Then Buffalo took a 3-0 lead into the third period. You know what happens next? Philly scores three goals in the third, forces OT, and then wins in OT.

That’s 18 in a row for Buffalo. Don’t worry, gang, it”ll be shorts weather in only two months.

Hustle and Flow

Iceland. Tell me you wouldn’t do this if the opportunity availed itself…

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

Ted Cruise*

*The judges will accept almost anything on this one, from “Dick Dynasty” to “Ship Of Fools” to “Croc-of-Shit Infested Waters”

How do we get the right’s minds off the fact that President Biden has a 72% approval rating on how he’s handling the pandemic, still the most important crisis facing America? Let’s get a photo op on the Rio Grande to scare our racist and/or not-so-bright acolytes into thinking that suddenly illegal border crossings are a problem.*

*They were a problem last year and the year before that and the year before that. And if you really do believe they’re a problem, stop patronizing restaurants. Or start asking your landscaper to provide proof of residency. Or ask your local pol how come there aren’t any laws on the books promising jail time for employers who hire illegals.

In the same weekend Lindsey goes “Grahambo”, justifying his ownership of an AR-15 with the whole apocalypse in South Carolina followed by “the gang” overrunning the po po but somehow he’ll be able to take them on… as soon as he takes off his pink nightie and ushers his house boy out the back door.

Oh, and Dr. Deborah Birx concedes, Yeah, as a matter of fact, we probably did needlessly lose 400,000 American lives because I didn’t stand up to Donald Trump. So, hey, my bad.

Lowering The Boom On Boomers

As tortured and sophomoric as most of SNL‘s live sketches have been this season—when the show bothers to air, which is not much since the holidays—the pre-taped bits have been inspired and hilarious. Maybe they should go the SCTV route and do most of the show this way.

Anyway, here’s SNL tossing out truth grenades about baby boomers in the pandemic world. Every line hits, though we don’t think they needed the “Edith Puthie” part and do wonder what Melissa Villasenor’s cut part sounded like.

The more I listen to/watch this, the more I think it’s the best thing they’ve done all season.

Western Stars*

*The judges will also accept “Pacific Toast”

Gonzaga. Oregon State. UCLA. USC. Half of the Elite Eight are schools from a Pacific Coast state and only one of the schools (Michigan) is located east of the Mississippi River. There’s gotta be a way for ESPN to loan the rights to Bill Walton to CBS/Turner for tonight and tomorrow.

And yes, we prefer the Saturday-to-Tuesday setup for the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight games to Thursday to Sunday. The pandemic has brought many improvements.

Gonzaga’s 6’10” sophomore center Drew Timme (above) has been a monster thus far, on a team with more celebrated players. He’s gone for 30 and 22 in the 29-0 Zags’ last two wins. Gonzaga is looking to become the first team in 45 years (Indiana, 1976) to win the national championship undefeated.

The Power Of Love

This is Zach Skow, whose personal story of salvation and redemption (alcohol, drugs, liver transplant to founding a dog rescue foundation) you can learn more about here. And this is Henry.

Pretty amazing. Look at the difference love can make in a lost and lonely creature’s life. Good for Henry. And good for Zach. There is no weakness in empathy and kindness. Nothing, in fact, is more empowering.

Drop The Pilot

His name is Antonio Sena. Flying 3,000 feet above the Amazon back in January, ferrying fuel for wildcat miners mining illegally on protected land, the lone engine on his propeller plane failed.

Sena survived the crash landing without serious injury and then somehow, even more remarkably, survived 36 days in the Amazon rainforest among the jaguars and anacondas and poisonous insects, etc. He did lose 55 pounds, so if you’re looking for a diet to take off that pandemic weight, try his “Lost in the Amazon” diet. Looking at you, Ted Cruz.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Torrents Of Arabia*

*The judges will also accept “Dredge Of Glory”

Remember that old Snickers ad campaign: “Not going anywhere for awhile?” Wondering if one of the Ever Given’s containers holds a shipment of the candy bars.

Oddly, enough, all four hours of Lawrence of Arabia aired on TCM yesterday.

Suggestion to solve this problem: Paint the boat black and then ask the LAPD to remove it.

Georgia

Yesterday in Georgia, a victory for rigging the game in your favor. Governor Brian Kemp signed into law a bill that is designed, ostensibly, the curb the voting fraud that even he, a Republican, publicly admitted never took place in his state during the 2020 presidential election.

Twitter is all agog about the law making it a crime to hand out water or food to voters waiting in line (I’m mildly surprised that Georgia did not announce election day would now take place some day in early August). However, the really serious part of the law is the one that makes it okay for state election officials to overturn the results of local elections. So, your vote really won’t matter as long as there are a few corrupt people at the top.

It was yet another sad day for America in 2021, where scenes have played out that are every bit as ugly, if not uglier, than any grainy black-and-white footage from Alabama in the Sixties. Think about it. Rep. Park Cannon simply knocks on the door of Gov. Brian Kemp because she wants to be the one non-white male to witness him singing this historic and deplorable piece of legislation and she is strong-armed by state troopers, led away in handcuffs and jailed.

Two months earlier white insurrectionist busted windows at the U.S. Capitol and spread feces inside and cops simply asked them to leave as if they were Albertson’s shoppers who’d entered without a mask.

Do you not think white and black people are treated differently by law enforcement? Still? I just hope I’m alive when white people get their (overdue) comeuppance. I may be on the victims pile, but that’s simply justice being served.

Sam Cooke famously sang, “A change is gonna come.” People rightly ask, When? I don’t know. But freedom will always ultimately outlive fascism. It’s simply a far superior ideal.

There’s a way to fight this that won’t happen but it should. First, Hollywood production companies should announce that they will no longer film in Georgia (that’ll knock out nearly $3 billion in revenue immediately).

Next, NBA and MLB and NFL players should refuse to play in the state. A gesture like that would need its respective established sports leaders, men such as LeBron James, to lead the movement. But there’s no reason this should not happen. Finally, as a consumer, you can choose not to purchase Coke products or fly Delta.

This segment on Tucker Carlson last not was revelatory. Basically, it’s white people preaching civil disobedience if they feel that the enforcement of laws are treating them disproportionately unfairly. Welcome to being black, Tucker. Never mind that your argument is rubbish, but now you’re just saying that 1) it’s okay to disobey the law if it doesn’t work for you (something minorities have been saying forever) and 2) that you’re okay with fascism over democracy (something we already knew).

Knock One Back For Lucille Bluth

Actress Jessica Walter passed away yesterday at the age of 80. Walter (no relation because, among other things, our last names are different) rose to fame for her role as the stalker in Play Misty For Me in the early Seventies but this generation will remember her as the cold-hearted vodka guzzling matriarch from Arrested Development.

Linda Bluth: “I’ll be in the hospital bar.”

Son Michael Bluth: “There isn’t a hospital bar, mother.”

Linda: “This is why people hate hospitals.”

Then there were her interactions with Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan, the Bluth family private eye. Walter’s reactions are wonderful, no? Someone opined on Twitter that it would be great if this JW arrived at the Pearly Gates only to learn that St. Peter is Gene Parmesan. A lovely thought.

A Cowboy Heads Home

Author Larry McMurtry has passed away at the age of 84.

Lonesome Dove is an American epic, right up there with the very best works of John Steinbeck. He also wrote the books that you’d come to know better as films: The Last Picture Show, Terms of Endearment and Brokeback Mountain.

If you’ve never seen The Last Picture Show, catch it the next time it’s on TCM.

Should This Be Her Biggest Concern?