An original poem by Michael DePaoli, with props to William Blake
Donald, Donald, burning bright
Grabs the pu**y in the night,
What immortal hand or Thigh,
Could turn you into Russian spy?
In what distant deeps or skies,
Burnt the fire of all your lies?
From what swamp dare he aspire?
I hope they tapped your Tower wire,
Your face looks like an orangutan fart,
Twisting the sinews of your black heart,
Many hearts will stop their beat,
With the healthcare spending you deplete,
Billions for a useless wall? Are you insane?
In what furnace did you fry your brain?
What the anvil? You discriminatory asp,
Unconstitutional is the power you grasp,
At the immigrants you throw your spears,
You get turned on by poor people’s tears,
You have a fondness for golden shower pee.
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Donald, Donald, burning bright,
Grabs the pu**y in the night,
What immortal hand or Thigh,
Could turn you into a Russian spy?
(If you might like this poem, please buy my eBook: Read More Poetry. No, I do not care whether you might actually read it, just buy it, and often.)
ARE YOU HIGH?
This is a real conversation with a twenty-something restaurant server in Scottsdale, Arizona:
MD: Why do you like Trump?
S: I just do.
MD: Did you graduate college?
S: No.
MD: Do you smoke pot?
S: Yes. How did you know?
MD: How often do you get high?
S: All the time.
TRUMPCARE
Trump held a press conference to blame the Democrats for the failure of Trumpcare to win approval in the House. The Trumpcare bill was pulled before a vote.
The real problem here is that Trump was elected under his promise that he would repeal Obamacare and replace the existing health care law with a new plan that would provide better health insurance that would cover everyone.
Trump lied. Trump was elected under false pretenses. Trump never had such new a plan.
The Trumpcare plan that the Republicans did champion (after years of complaining about Obamacare) was a terrible thing that would have eliminated health insurance for millions of Americans, and it would have caused higher premiums for less insurance.
Thank you, James Madison, the primary creator of our Constitution. Your system of government is still working for the people.
Kentucky freshman point guard De’Aaron Fox scored 39 points in the Wildcats’ win over UCLA in Memphis in the Sweet 16 last night. They’ve been letting freshman ball (as opposed to a a freshman, Ball) since 1972-73 in the NCAA tournament, and no frosh has ever scored more points in one game than than the quick, brown Fox. The 6’4″ point guard from New Orleans with the Sideshow Bob ‘do is pure electricity. Is he a Top 5 draft pick now?
“Sit down girl, I think I love ya’ No, get up girl Show me what you can do!”
2. Speaking of Kentucky Guards Who Can Score…
I’m looking at this pic and thinking, Geez, Leandro Barbosa is back with the Suns?!? Dude owns a time machine.
The Phoenix Suns lost their seventh consecutive game last night, but they don’t really care because coach Earl Watson gave them something else on which to focus: getting second-year guard Devin Booker (whom MH mistakenly predicted would be an All-Star this season) a ton of points. Booker, 6’6″, scored 70 in the Suns’ 130-120 loss at Boston last night,
Booker, 20, played 45 minutes, put up 40 shots overall (the team as a whole hoisted 86) and 11 of the Suns’ 19 threes. He was 24 of 26 from the FT line and scored 28 points in the fourth quarter alone. Only five players have ever scored more points in a single game than Booker did last night—Wilt Chamberlain, Kobe Bryant, David Robinson, David Thompson and Elgin Baylor—and all except Thompson, the original “Sky Walker” whose career was cut short by injuries—are in the Hall of Fame. Booker becomes the only player since Kobe, who scored 81 in 2006, to hit the 70-mark in the past 22 years.
3. A Garden Variety Classic
Chiozza drains a teardrop 23-footer for the win
It was a three-dud night in the Sweet 16 and looking to be an oh-fer in terms of captivating games when Florida went on a 16-3 run against Wisconsin midway through the second half at Madison Square Garden to open up a 12-point lead. Then Wiscy clawed back.
Memorable plays: 1) Zak Showalter‘s running three-pointers, followed by his Discount Double-Check move to Aaron Rodgers, who was seated nearby, to force OT, 2) In overtime, Baby Barry’s come-from-behind block on Khalil Iverson that kept Wiscy from opening up a four-point lead with :34 left, and 3) Chris Chiozza’s length-of-court drive ending with a running three-pointer buzzer beater as time expired. Best last five minutes or so of the tourney.
I don’t know his name yet, but this SI Kids reporter just asked, first word to last, as good a question as you’ll ever hear in a post-game setting. Kudos to South Carolina’s Frank Martin for acknowledging that.
An aside: When I was in my mid-twenties a kid in junior high begged to come to SI’s offices and hang out for a day to see how we did things. Our excellent Chief of Reporters, Bambi Wulf, set him up with Tim Crothers and myself. The kid’s name? Tyler Kepner. He now covers MLB for The New York Times.
5. TrumpCare Flatlines*
*Another Day Of Trump: Day 65
I don’t have the answers to health care. From a pure supply-and-demand standpoint, I kinda feel like we have a surplus of humanity anyway and I welcome the zombie apocalypse as long as there’s still good barbecue.
But from a pure political standpoint, what a glorious mess for the Trump administration. Obama had a lot of dudes on the Hill agains him in his first term, and he STILL got the ACA passed. Trump has now been in office 64 days, made two major offensives (outside of his weekend trips to Mar-A-Lago), the Muslim Ban and WealthCare, and has lost bigly on both of them.
This is not what “winning so much you’ll be sick of winning” looks like.
Walton was one of three leading scorers last night with the ball in his hands on a game-winning or tying possession at the end who was unable to close the deal.
X’ed Men
In the final four minutes Xavier comes from eight down against Arizona and goes on a 12-2 run to end the game and win by two. We’ll have at least one Catholic school in the Final Four for the second straight year and we will have, for only the sixth time, a regional final between two schools who have never been to a Final Four:
So let’s correct that list:
2017: Zags-Xavier
1999: UConn-Zags
1994: Florida-BC
1990: Ga Tech-Minnesota
1981: UVa-BYU
1977: UNLV-Idaho St
Three of Thursday’s four games came down to a game-winning or game-tying possession. Michigan’s Derrick Walton and Arizona’s Allonzo Trier missed potential game-winning threes while West Virginia’s Jevon Carter never got a chance to get his off.
Walton, Trier and Carter were their teams’ leading scorers last night.
2. Murray State
I don’t want to take credit for putting this together first: @SportsCenter noted that it’s been a fantastic sports year for American treasure Bill Murray. These are good times for Murray, Santori times.
What a year for Bill Murray.
– 11-seed Xavier defeats 2-seed Arizona to go to Elite 8.
– Cubs win the World Series pic.twitter.com/rOTzpxSQzQ
Last November Murray’s beloved Chicago Cubs won the World Series and now his adopted college team, Xavier, is onto the Elite Eight (Murray’s son, Luke, is a Xavier assistant coach, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice). Can the Musketeers make it to the Final Four? Is this what the Dalai Lama meant when he told Carl Spackler that on his death bed he’d achieve total consciousness? Is Xavier baby-stepping on the road to the Final Four?
3. Phoenix Sons
At the age of 23, Len was the Suns’ oldest starter
The Suns lost their sixth in a row last night (keeping pace with the Lakers, who have also lost six straight) by falling 126-98 to the NBA’s worst team, the Boo-klynettes. But that isn’t why anyone will remember this game. What made that game historic was the Suns’ starting five:
Marquese Chriss: 19
Derrick Jones, Jr.: 20
Alex Len: 23
Devin Booker: 20
Tyler Ulis: 21
Not only did @Suns have youngest starting 5 in NBA history (@EliasSports), it was younger than 7 of 8 teams that played in Sweet 16 Thursday
The Suns put the youngest starting five in NBA history on the floor, according to Elias Sports Bureau. That’s funny, since the team’s namesake is the oldest piece of known matter in the galaxy. 60% of the starting five isn’t old enough to drink. Also, the Suns lost by 28 to the worst team in the league, so there’s that.
4. High Nunes
Nunez appears to be the latest link in the Circle of Scum
*The judges will also accept “The Devin Made Me Do It”
The newest member of The Worst Wing(All Trumps except Melania and possibly Barron; Steve Bannon; Sean Spicer; Kellyanne Conway; Mitch McConnell; Reince Priebus; Stephen Miller: Paul Ryan; Jeff Sessions; Rex “My Wife Made Me Do It” Tillerson; Paul Manafort; and of course, Vladimir Putin) is California Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Reprobate).
Nunes, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee investigating alleged ties between the Trump team and Russia, apologized yesterday (!) for taking information that he supposedly has acquired about the investigation to the White House and informing them about it. “Is that bad?”
Gee, almost like his rationale is same as why reporters generally use anonymous sources https://t.co/0P26X96bm8
Then Nunes refused to say if other information he has received that is exculpatory came directly from the White House itself and also suddenly became very protective about anonymous sources. “We want people to come forward,” Nunes said without a trace of irony, because that’s how this administration works.
Meanwhile, last night I caught the end of the original, 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You can FF to about 1:50 and tell me if you’ve seen a better illustration in film of those of us who’ve been warning against Trump for nearly two years:
5. It’s A Bluth White House
America gets a glimpse of Donald’s “O” face….
Major props to Dan Diamond, or @ddiamond, of Politico who some time while you and I were sleeping sussed out that the entire Trump administration is that episode of Arrested Development titled “The One Where They Build a House.”
1. That time a novice chief executive made a foolhardy promise, his erstwhile allies rushed to get it done—and it all fell apart in the end.
I won’t reproduce all of Diamond’s tweets here, but the one above launches a 10-tweet storm that eerily and hilariously ties the Bluths to the Trumps and maybe, just maybe, as one @ reply suggested, G.O.B was always meant to represent GOP. Go find his feed from about 12 hours ago (just after 11 p.m. East Coast time) and read the tweets. It’s sad, hilarious and eerie.
Look, America, it’s the megalomaniacal, delusional son of a shady real-estate developer!
Even if Trump bankrupts America, financially, ethically and physically, remember, there’s money in that banana stand.
Music 101
Eight Miles High
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoSwOrytf_M
Few bands epitomized the mid-Sixties counterculture sound better than The Byrds, and this 1966 song is considered to be the genesis of psychedelic rock. It was banned by many stations because of connotations to drug use (note the title), which may be why, although it is a timeless classic, it never reached Top 10 on the charts.
Remote Patrol
Night of Classics
The Godfather
7 p.m. AMC
The Wizard of Oz
8 p.m. TCM
East Regional
North Carolina-Butler followed by Kentucky-UCLA
7 p.m. CBS
“Now who’s being naive, Kate?” If for some ungodly reason, you’ve never seen The Godfather, correct that tonight. It may be the best American film. Period. Then you can tune in to see the two schools that have won more national championships (19 combined) than anyone else, the Wildcats and Bruins. Good stuff.
Flag-waving Trump supporters can take pride in a pitcher descended from slaves leading the USA to the championship (as Ben Carson reminds us that slaves are immigrants, too).
Stroman Argument
For the first time in four tries, the U.S.A. won the World Baseball Classic last night, delivering an 8-0 silencing of Puerto Rico (take that, Bernardo!). Starter Marcus Stroman who stands just 5’8″, gave up just one hit in six-plus innings in Dodger Stadium and Ian Kinsler started things off with a two-run homer. It was Puerto Rico’s first loss in the tournament (they’d beaten the Americans in pool play) in eight games.
Does this bode well for the Yankees’ season?
2. London, New York Attacks
A fanatic, a car and three innocent victims in London yesterday. The 52 year-old drove his car along Westminster Bridge, striking pedestrians (one of them a man from Utah, Kurt Cochran, who was visiting with his wife to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary), then got out and fatally stabbed an unarmed policeman. He was later shot dead.
Caughman, right, meeting Wyclef Jean
Meanwhile in New York City, a 28 year-old white supremacist took a bus from Maryland to New York, and probably only wandered a block or two before fatally stabbing 66 year-old Timothy Caughman specifically because he was black. The murderer was apprehended and here’s hoping he’s put in the general population at Riker’s Island for a month.
A great American, Kurt Cochran, was killed in the London terror attack. My prayers and condolences are with his family and friends.
This morning President Trump tweeted his condolences to one of the two families. You couldn’t have it illustrated more clearly what he and his administration are all about.
3. Another Day Of Trump (Day 63)*
*I’d been toying with the idea of making ‘Another Day of Trump’ a daily item, and then Susie B’s imploring made it a done deal. Here’s hoping we won’t have to take this into the triple digits. P.S. It’s too exhausting to document everything vile Trump and his minions do each day, so pardon me if I just cherry pick on that.
In an interview with Timemagazine out today, President Trump runs through every conceivable excuse as to why his lies are fine, even using this reason as his bottom line: “I can’t be doing so badly because I’m president, and you’re not. You know?”
We know.
4. You Go, Norway! (And I’ll Go Mine)
This is what Norwegians consider “urban blight”
A recent report by the United Nations ranked Norway number one in terms of happiness. So that makes the Scandinavian nation the happiest place on earth, no? Sorry, Walt.
Having visited Norway and spent more than a week there, I get it. Beautiful scenery, even more beautiful people, and all the lutefisk you can devour. Although the stat geeks may take issue with its Strength of Schedule. Denmark is now No. 2. Basically, if you don’t visit Scandinavia at least once in your life, you’re doing it all wrong.
5. Ruminations on Janet Leigh, Robert Mitchum
Janet Leigh and an otherwise 100% vacant motel in the desert: What could possibly go right?
I’ve nearly overdosed on TCM this week and here are two observations (with apologies to all you serious connoisseurs of cinema out there):
A) In her two most famous films, Touch of Evil and Psycho, lovely Janet Leigh finds herself imperiled in an off-the-beaten-path motel in the American southwest that is 100% vacant when she arrives. The films were made just two years apart, and each time Leigh confronts a creepy innkeeper (Dennis Weaver and later Tony Perkins). In the first film Leigh is drugged (heroin, reefer) but survives while in the second, well, you can take a stab at what befalls her.
Mitchum agrees to a strip search before Martin Balsam and Gregory Peck. He’s been lifting.
B) In two of his more notorious roles, in the films Night Of The Hunter and Touch Of Evil, Robert Mitchum plays a savage and cunning murderer who pursues children along a river. For the record, those tributaries appear to be the Ohio river and the Cape Fear river.
The Birds: Tippi was trippy
C) One more thing: Watching Psycho and The Birds in the same week informs you that Alfred Hitchcock had a thing about overbearing mothers of adult men who find insanely attractive blondes showing up on their doorstep. At least Jessica Tandy’s character was alive.
p.s. If anyone at TCM reads this and is still looking for someone to fill the void left by Robert Osborne‘s recent passing, well, I could never fill his shoes, but I’m more than happy to do a few stand-up intros for you.
Music 101
Same Drugs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKbEsG5XoO0
At the risk of sounding like the middle-aged white guy I am, I LOVED this performance by Chance The Rapper on the SNL recently because I was expecting a rapper (you know, the name) and what I got instead was the reincarnation of Stevie Wonder. I knew nothing about his music—I’d heard the name—but Mr. The Rapper blew me away with his talent. This song and performance would have fit just as seamlessly on the first season of SNL in 1975 as it did last month.
There’s a sweetness to Chance, who’s only 23 and will be one of the headliners at Lollapalooza this August in his native Chicago. Consider me a fan.
Remote Patrol
Sweet 16 Games
7 p.m. CBS
Michigan-Oregon followed by Kansas-Purdue
7:30 p.m. TBS
Gonzaga-West Virginia followed by Arizona-Xavier
Caleb Swanigan, Human Sweatbomb
We’ve ridden the Wolverines this far, we’re not abandoning Project Runway tonight. One of the other higher seeds will lose tonight and if I had to pick (and I don’t, but I will), I’d say it will be Gonzaga.
Please stop insulting all those great conspiracy theories by labeling the pathologically lying Trump as a conspiracy theorist. It is just wrong to impugn the theorist paddlers. Trump is a liar. He does not espouse theories, he just makes stuff up in his head and falsely represents the facts.
Trump did not have a “theory” about Obama wiretapping Trump Tower. Instead, Trump was just being a big liar. Then, to compound his own lie, Trump sent out Sean Spicer to lie about the British, and he sent out Kellyanne Conway to lie about microwave ovens.
There is a huge difference between conspiracy theories and Trump lies.
When you agree upon a common nucleus of facts, and then you postulate a different (minority) interpretation of those facts, you are a conspiracy theorist. Thus, in the book “Is Shakespeare Dead?” the great writer Mark Twain was a conspiracy theorist because he was postulating a minority theory that maybe there was never a man named Shakespeare and therefore the Bard could not be dead. This effort by Mark Twain is commendable, because taking the time to question imperfect conclusions helps our society advance and learn. It is part of progress. Throughout history, society has benefitted by great minds examining the established explanations from different perspectives.
That is not what Trump is doing. He is not trying to figure something out from a different perspective. Trump is just fundamentally dishonest.
So please, you journalists at Mother Jones, Huffington Post, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, CNN, etc., stop calling Trump a conspiracy theorist! (Ed. Note: Thank you for not throwing MH under this large bus)
THE TOM BRADY JERSEY, MEDIA, MEXICO
As if Trump’s warfare against the media and Mexico were not hot enough, already, it was revealed that Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey was allegedly stolen by a Mexican tabloid media executive.
UCONN WOMEN
The score was 28 to 11 at the end of the first quarter. The final score was 94-64. But, the game was not that close. UCONN women’s basketball dynasty continues with their victory over Syracuse in a rematch of last year’s final. The UCONN women enter the Sweet 16 in the tournament, yet again.
The UCONN women’s basketball team dynasty is one of the greatest of all time, of any sport. But, at the sports bar in Scottsdale, Arizona I had to ask for the game to be shown.
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