IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

Devastation

This is an aerial view of the Bahamas after Dorian swept through and basically flattened much of it. But we don’t want to talk about that. Let’s talk about this piece that led off NBC Nightly News last night (fast forward directly to 1:45):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsvTvVRU3fY

Granted, Kerry Sanders had no control over where the U.S. Borders and Customs Black Hawk helicopter flew, so he had to take what he could get. And the survivors’ stories were compelling. BUUUUUT, on an island nation where the true natives are all black and 99.9% are probably poorer, and hence have been so much more devastated by Dorian’s destruction, aren’t these interviews of presumably well-off white Americans more than a little tone-deaf? Or am I just a social justice warrior? You tell me.

Nancy With The Light Brown Hair

This is women’s basketball icon, Nancy Lieberman, 61, posing for the ESPN Body Issue. Seems like Nancy has not been missing many ab days. Good for her. How long until ESPN asks staffer Rebecca Lobo to pose (what say you, Steve?). Also, can we get Robert Kraft for next year’s Body Issue because it seems unlikely the Palm Beach po po will ever release that video.

Red Grange

Is it too late for us to announce Medium Happy’s Red Grange Timex Watch List? Uh, yeah, the season’s already one week old.

Yeah, well, it’s our site and we’ll do what we want, so here it is:

  1. Jalen Hurts: Only the second player in like, the millennium, behind Johnny Football to rush for three TDs and throw for 3 TDs plus 300 yards in one game. The redemption story is also unbeatable. I don’t care about who’s going to make a better pro or be drafted higher or whose team is ranked higher, if Jalen keeps this up, “Hurts So Good” is gonna be a theme song. Oklahoma.
  2. Trevor Lawrence: But if Jalen does NOT keep this up. Clemson.
  3. Travis Etienne: May have the better numbers out of the Clemson backfield. Clemson.
  4. Max Borghi: He’s the second coming of Christian McCaffrey. From Wazzu.
  5. Jerry Jeudy: Alabama wideout is best at his position in the FBS.

Ruthian Night

This is Michael Lorenzen of the Cincinnati Reds, whom I’ve never heard of, either. Last night Lorenzen became the first person since Babe Ruth, 98 years ago, to record a win, hit a home run and play the outfield in the same game. The curious aspect is how Lorenzen accomplished this feat.

The Fullerton, Calif., native entered the game as a reliever in the top of the 7th and with the Reds up 5-4 on the Phillies. He then allowed a game-tying home run. He pitched a scoreless eighth and then, hitting for himself, smacked a two-run homer (the Reds had retaken a one-run lead in the bottom of the 7th). Then in the 9th Lorenzen played centerfield.

So he equaled a Babe Ruth feat while not even appearing in the game before the 7th inning. “That’s pretty exciting,” said Lorenzen, who has seven career homers. “I’m going to have to look into what Babe Ruth would be making today and sit down with [the front office].”

Was It Lithium?

Now that 33 of the 34 bodies have been recovered from the Conception, the diving boat that was engulfed by flames in the wee hours of Monday morning, the theories about what caused the fire are beginning. Roy Hauser, who designed the craft and founded Truth Aquatics, the company that ran the expedition (he no longer owns it), believes it was a lithium battery charger.

Who knows how any of us would react in that situation, but the captain and four crew members who were sleeping in the wheelhouse, well, their first reaction was to make a mayday call and then climb into a dinghy. Was there not a fire extinguisher? Was the fire already that intense? This wasn’t a few people. This was nearly three dozen souls who must have been making a terrible racket. You can only hope it was over fast.

Music 101

Patience

This is the sound of a band who, at the peak of both their power and of rock ‘n roll itself, had the confidence to do a soft acoustic ballad. Guns N Roses’ flame did not burn long, but it burned every bit as bright as any band that’s ever been. From 1989, it rose to No. 4 on the Billboard chart.

Remote Patrol

Packers at Bears

8 p.m NBC

The pro football, it is back.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Walmart Targets Guns

Yesterday Walmart CEO Doug McMillon sent out a release saying that the megastore would “stop selling ammunition that can be used in military-style assault rifles, would discourage its customers from openly carrying guns in its stores (“I’m headed to produce; cover me!”) and would call on Congress to increase background checks and consider a new assault rifle ban.”

This could be a watershed moment, NYT’s Andrew Ross Sorkin writes. Or it could lead to “a lot of violence,” shrill conservative Megan McCain threatens. Kind of like a Civil War? The one that was necessitated because one part of the country refused to emancipate slaves even though it knew it was the right thing to do? Scoreboard.

Oh, My

The New York Mets have imploded in September before—see 2007, when they lost six of their last seven to finish one game out of the postseason—but nothing ever so bad as last night in Washington.

After scoring five runs in the top of the ninth inning to extend a slim lead over the Nationals to 10-5, the Mets, or their bullpen, surrendered SEVEN runs in the bottom of the ninth to succumb, 11-10. Kurt Suzuki capped the onslaught, all done before Met pitchers recorded even a second out, with a three-run walk off bomb to left.

https://twitter.com/jasoncollette/status/1169073841836044289?s=20

Before last night the Mets, who have faint hopes for a wildcard berth, were 806-0 in games in which they led by 6 or more runs entering the 9th inning. But here’s what makes yesterday’s ignominy so undeniably Mets: the franchise’s AAA ball club, Syracuse, during a one-game playoff versus the Yankees’ AAA squad, blew a seven-run lead, 13-6, to fall 14-13. That’s So Mets!

Masters Class In Flushing

Last night the female and male GOATs of tennis, Serena Williams and Roger Federer, took the court one after another at the U.S. Open. Serena, who remains one grand slam singles title behind Margaret Court for the most ever (24), dispatched of opponent Qiang Wang in 44 minutes, 6-1, 6-0. She’s headed to the semis.

Federer, who has the most men’s grand slam titles (20), lost in five sets to Gregor Dimitrov of Bulgaria in the men’s quarters. We only saw the fifth set, when the sweet Swiss’ seemed burdened by age and/or physical ailments and committed a slew of unforced errors.

Serena turns 38 later this month. Roger turned 38 last month. Will we ever see both advance to the quarters of a grand slam again, to share the court on the same night? Perhaps. But no longer is that a solid bet.

Vienna Waits For You

The Economist, which ranked 140 cities all over the globe on a Global Livability Index, has declared Vienna the world’s most livable city for 2019. The Austrian capital edged out Melbourne, making it the Clemson to the Australian city’s Alabama in these annual rankings.

The next three cities on the list? Sydney, Osaka and Calgary.

Vienna has now won the title two years in a row after Melbourne had taken it seven years straight. And with the infusion of the Herbstreit twins on its roster, there’s no stopping Vienna in the recent future.

Damascus and Detroit were the least livable across the planet and the United States, respectively. The former has been ravaged by civil war most of the decade; the latter has housed the Lions since 1930.

Former Knick Now A Ranger

That seven-foot cadet standing at attention at U.S. Army Ranger School (“Rangers lead the way!”) is former Duke and NBA player Marshall Plumlee. Never as talented as brother Mason, he nevertheless appeared in 29 games over two seasons with the Knicks and Bucks. Now at age 27, the former ROTC cadet just graduated from Army Ranger School at Fort Benning (psst, Marshall, stay low).

That’s pretty damn cool.

Related: a 52 year-old former Navy SEAL, James Hatch, has begun his undergraduate studies at Yale University. Yup, he’s a freshman and he’d be the best dorm roomie ever (I think we know who’s buying the beer).

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Soggy Bahama

East of Florida, Dorian reached maximum power and we hear some people have never even heard of a “Category 5” storm. The eye wall of the hurricane has hovered over the Bahamas for the past 36 hours, creating quite a mess over the islands. Good news, though: Alabama is safe.

Why don’t we just listen to this man the next time a hurricane looms?

Boat Tragedy

Twenty-five confirmed dead but it looks as if the total count will be closer to 34 after a diving boat moored off Santa Cruz Island (40 or so miles off Santa Barbara) catches fire at around 3 a.m. Five passengers, all crew members, were able to leap off the 75-foot vessel to safety. The boat was moored just 20 yards off shore, in 64 feet of water.

So the questions are coming: How did the fire start? How did it spread so quickly? Why were the crew unable to notify or evacuate the passengers in time? Was there not a fire extinguisher on board.

That giant wave you see is all the lawsuits that are coming.

Oh, My Nose!

Late in the fourth quarter of last night’s Notre Dame victory at Louisville, Irish quarterback Ian Book threw a long pass out of bounds that struck Cardinal cheerleader Elizabeth Scott in the proboscis.

Nearly 50 years later and a Marcia Brady reference is still relevant:

https://twitter.com/CorbinMichaels/status/1168742905730785280?s=20

Of course, since all of life is one Black Mirror episode (declares middle-aged man who writes free blog daily), the injured cheerleader took it as an opportunity to gain more social media followers. She reportedly has a broken nose.

We just wonder where was ESPN sideline reporter Maria Taylor when all of this was going on? #SheHadOneJob

Major Minors

Now that the AAA minor league baseball regular season, the first in which they switched to using the same baseballs currently being used in The Show, has concluded, we can report the final numbers on home runs.

For those of you scoring at home, that’s a 57% increase in home runs in the course of one season. Something’s up with dem balls, no?

Is Cron’s prodigious power one reason the D-Backs were willing to let Paul Goldschmidt get away?

For those wondering, Kevin Cron of the Reno Aces (Diamondback affiliate) led the American AAA teams in home runs with 38, while Chris Carter of the AAA Mexican League Acereros de Monclava led that league with 49.

Related: The New York Yankees were shut out yesterday for the first time in 220 games, ending the second-longest consecutive games with at least one run scored streak in MLB history. The longest (311) belongs to the 1931-33 Yanks. Oddly, the day before the Yanks did not score before the 8th inning before putting up 5 runs to beat the A’s 5-4. The pitcher who shut out the Yankees on Labor Day? Mike Minor of the Texas Rangers.

The Odessa File

In Odessa, Texas, a white male in his mid-thirties armed with an AR-15 goes on a rampage after being fired from his job and slaughters seven people. Let me guess: he was single?

A few thoughts here…If prayers are supposed to be our weapon of choice against the chronic number of mass murders, why don’t we just fight illegal immigration by praying about it?…Second, if it’s not about guns but rather about mental illness, then shouldn’t we look for common symptoms the way , you know, real scientists do? Let’s see, almost all mass murderers with guns are white males with rage issues. By that assessment, isn’t our president mentally ill?

Allow me to be honest and a little cynical for a moment. I can’t speak for all, but here’s one Northeasterner who comes across these stories almost weekly and thinks, As long as it’s gun-boner Texans shooting other gun-boner Texans, well, there’s something poetic about that. Keep it up. If you don’t have any more sense than to live in Texas, I can’t really help you.

Yeah, I wrote it.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

A Picture of Dorian: Gray Skies

Dorian is cutting a swath through the Caribbean and is set to make landfall in Florida on Monday as a Category 4 storm. It’s at times such as this that I feel compelled to point out that the highest point in Florida is Britton Hill in the state’s panhandle, and that is only 345 feet above sea level. That’s less than the elevation of a football field, end zones included, if it was stacked up vertically.

115 yards. That’s the highest point in the nation’s third-most populous state as climate change bears down on the planet this century. Should be fun. Miami Subs will one day be known as Miami Sub-marine.

Aquino Es Aqui, No?*

*The judges will haltingly accept “Aristides Development”

On August 1st the Aristides Aquino, a 6’4″, 220-pounder whose prodigious home runs had already earned him the nickname “The Punisher” in AAA ball, was sent up the river. The Ohio River.

Aquino was not heading to jail, but from the AAA Louisville Bats to the Cincinnati Reds. Just 30 days later, the Louisville Slugger has set a Major League record for home runs in one month by a rookie, with 14 (What took you so long, Cincy?).

It’s been a record-breaking summer for heat and a record-breaking month for homers. The Yankees have hit 70 home runs this month with two games remaining, and that breaks the team record for one month by a margin of 12. And then there’s Aquino, the Dominican Republic native who now has the N.L. rookie record for a month. Also, Aquino hit 13 home runs in his first 100 career plate appearances, which is the most of any player in the history of the game.

That’s So Raven

The Baltimore Ravens won last night. Again. That’s 17 consecutive wins for the purple-and-black dating back to the final game of the 2015 season. Exhibition season, that is.

Yes, the Ravens have won 17 consecutive preseason games, which must be recognized in the Dubious Achievements Hall of Fame (memo to Esquire: bring back the Dubious Achievement Awards; it was the best thing ever).

As far as longest-ever NFL win streaks, the Patriots won 21 in a row (2003-2004), the Packers 19 (2010-2011) and seven clubs have won 18 in a row. All regular season. Since this current Ravens preseason W streak began with the last game of the 2015 exhibition season, the Ravens have appeared in one playoff game, which they lost.

Death Of An Iconic Figure

You recognize the figure, or at least the suit and hat, but not the name. The man on the left is James Leavelle, a former Dallas detective who was leading Lee Harvey Oswald out of City Hall and to the county jail when Jack Ruby fatefully, and fatally, intervened.

Leavelle, nearly 56 years since standing inches away from the path of the bullet that killed Oswald, died yesterday at the age of 99. In that famous image, he is handcuffed to Oswald for, ironically, safekeeping.

A native Texan, Leavelle was present at two of the most infamous moments the American 20th century. He was there for the JFK assassination, initially interviewing Oswald about the murder of Officer J.D. Tippit until it was realized Oswald was the prime suspect in a much bigger murder case. He was also aboard the U.S.S. Whitney, a destroyer tender, about two miles from Pearl Harbor during the attack on December 7, 1941.

Cary Grant-Style

Humphrey Bogart. Spencer Tracy. John Wayne. Clark Gable. Jimmy Stewart. Okay, George Clooney or even Brad Pitt. There are spectacular actors (Henry Fonda, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson) and then there are MOVIE STARS, and I’m not sure anyone I’ve yet mentioned in this paragraph better fit that term, in all that it meant, than Cary Grant.

Two nights ago I was watching a Grant film I’d never before seen, The Bishop’s Wife (1947), in which he plays angel named Dudley who’s come down to restore luster to a sagging marriage. Grant’s Dudley is possessed of an easy charm, self-assured without being arrogant or obnoxious. He is never rude, never foul-mouthed or ill-tempered. There is a grace to him, a joy in enjoying the moment and never truly letting circumstances get the better of his good nature.

Sure, but he’s playing an angel. Then I realized that pretty much every one of his characters is angelic. In films of his that I’ve seen—this one, The Philadelphia Story, To Catch A Thief, North By Northwest, Holiday, His Girl Friday, Bringing Up Baby, and perhaps my favorite, An Affair To Remember—he’s always the same charmed man, usually, okay living a charmed life—and always better than his circumstances.

And this isn’t about his personal life. And maybe it’s a little pie-in-the-sky. But wouldn’t it be great if more of us, particularly more of us males, tried every day to be a little more like a Cary Grant character? A little good humor. Style. Manners. Who knows, maybe the Saville Row suits will just follow.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 8 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Yo, Google.

Starting Five

https://twitter.com/CuomoPrimeTime/status/1166892551967821824?s=20

Liar, Liar

Watch this above and then we’ll talk.

The problem I have with this is that CNN created Kayleigh McEnany. She was blonde and feisty and they had her on panels as the foil to Van Jones and Ana Navarro more nights than not in the year leading up to the 2016 election.

That very visibility put her in a position to become the latest sycophant to work for 45 and now Chris Cuomo’s in a dither that she is lying so blatantly on national television? And he says, “Interview’s over” and then it continues for another minute?”

You’re either a true believer in Trump and you suddenly have decided that everyone in the media lies or else you’re someone who understands the term gaslighting. There’s really no in-between at this stage.

Earlier, McEnany had said that “the president would never lie to the American people because he loves this country.” That’s a two-fer in terms of prevarication as the president lies daily and it’s obvious the only thing he truly loves is himself.

Two nights ago Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC did something very stupid and went with a story on Russia and oligarchs that was insufficiently sourced. When he fully realized his error, O’Donnell went on air the following night and owned up to it. That’s not lying; that’s doing a poor job and owning up to it.

Call us the first time Donald Trump admits that he was wrong about anything. Or that he spoke in error.

The test for CNN and Cuomo is whether they will invite McEnany back on their air. Sadly, that will probably have less to do with her credibility than it will with the ratings. And seeing how viral that clip has become, I think we know the answer.

Kenan Wins

Yesterday we wrote about an SNL cast member who, like all those who preceded her, burned brightly for a few moments and then left the galaxy. Every cast member leaves SNL, and most after five years or fewer. They either fail to make an impact (Jim Breuer) or they become so big that they reach escape velocity (Eddie Murphy).

Enter Kenan Thompson, the SNL unicorn. The former Good Burger star is 41 and about to enter his 17th season with SNL. He doesn’t want to leave and Lorne Michaels is in no rush to push him out the door. By the time he’s 50 Thompson will have spent more than half his life as an SNL cast member, and we think he’ll get there.

There’s something truly admirable about surviving in a place such as SNL for as long as Thompson has. The trick is consistency and stability. The highs aren’t too high and the lows not too low. I’ve worked with people at Sports Illustrated who are just like this (won’t mention any names for fear of embarrassing them) and the sad part is, I’ve sort of taken on this role at the Cookoutateria: show up every day, on time, do your job consistently, avoid the drama (we have just as long an employee casualties list as SNL or SI does, and what’s more, we’ve had actual deaths, including one this summer).

What makes Thompson special? Just seeing him in a skit brings a smile to your face. He’s always happy or bemused and he understands that in almost every skit, such as how he’s become SNL’s de facto game-show host, he realizes he’s there in a complementary role. Us, we’ll always love the inspired zaniness of “What Up With That?” (Bill Hader as Lindsey Buckingham???), which he appears to have retired a few years ago. That was his starring vehicle, and it was always brilliant.

The secret to a happy life is pulling over to go skating. It’s the journey, not the destination.

There’s a line from an old Cary Grant-Loretta Young film (The Bishop’s Wife…you can catch it on Netflix) in which a cabbie tells Grant’s character, an angel named Dudley, what’s wrong with the world today: “No one knows where they’re going and they’re all in a terrible hurry to get there.” That line appeared onscreen in 1947 and it’s every bit as true today. Kenan Thompson is not one of those people. And you can see the inner joy within him because of it. A lesson for us all.

Note: We had wanted to write this story at Newsweek just before all the *&% hit the fan there. Glad it was written by WaPo. Thompson’s resilience and understanding of how good he’s got it is refreshing.

A Bunt Really Is As Good As A Hit

We show you this clip because we were alive at the time and until Twitter showed this to us yesterday, we’d never heard of it. This belongs right up there with the greatest Seventies sports moments, like Doc Ellis pitching a no-hitter on LSD.

The night was May 29 1974. The place, Arlington Stadium in Texas. It’s the fourth inning. Earlier in the at-bat Cleveland Indian pitcher Bob Johnson decides to brush Texas Ranger Lenny Randle off the plate by throwing a pitch behind him. Randle retaliates by bunting down the first base line—props for the execution of this idea—and then decleats Johnson while clearly running out of the base path. Indians first baseman John Ellis then tackles Randle and it’s on.

You may not be surprised to learn that the Rangers’ manager was Billy Martin.

Postscript: Five nights later the two teams played again, this time in Cleveland. The Indians staged a promotion, 10-cent beer night (drinking age was 18 in Ohio). At some point Indians fans rushed onto the field and attacked Ranger outfielder Jeff Burroughs (an All-Star caliber player) and a few umpires. Three bases were stolen, and not by either the Indians and Rangers. The game was called and the Indians forfeited.

A month later, the Indians held another 10-cent beer night. I miss the Seventies.

Thelma & Louis

If you happen to be traveling in the very remote Four Corners region (where Utah-Arizona-Colorado-New Mexico meet), be on the lookout for this couple, above. They were being extradited from upstate New York to Tucson, Arizona, this week to face a murder charge when they overpowered two security guards who were transporting them, in the southeastern Utah town of Blanding. If this is the pilot episode of Vince Gilligan’s next AMC series, we’re all in.

Leap Of Faith

First, of course, WHY?
Second, where? It looks, from the storefront, to be somewhere in France.

Third, how does one practice this stunt?

Fourth, what happens if he clips a toe as he’s clearing that wall? I don’t think we wanna know.

Finally, how did Johnny Knoxville not think of this first?

Music 101

I Go Blind

Love this song and only in researching it did I realize that Hootie and the Blowfish, who had a hit with it in 1996, were only doing a cover version. The song was written and released by Canadian band 54-40 (whom I hope at some point in their careers opened for UB40) ten years earlier. Is it just me or does this tune have the flavor of a classic Blood, Sweat and Tears song?

Here’s the 54-40 version…

Remote Patrol

Georgia Tech at No. 1 Clemson

8 p.m. ACC Network

No. 14 Utah at BYU

10:30 p.m. ESPN

He’s impervious to the hair jokes

Foobaw is back! I know we had Coke Zero last weekend, but that UF-Miami game is best forgotten and who on the East Coast was still awake when Hawaii stopped Khalil Tate at the 1-yard line at about 2 a.m.? Tonight we see Trevor Lawrence and Clemson against a Georgia Tech team with a new coach, Geoff Collins, who led Temple to an 8-4 record last season. Then it’s the Holy War (wayyyyyy too early in the season for this, btw) as your nightcap, and the Utes are favorites in the Pac-12 South. Jon Krakauer will be on the concourse signing copies of Under The Banner Of Heaven at halftime.